Monday, October 15, 2007

New Rules
I've been gone for a little while and I'd like to share some more new rules with you all. I've managed quite a few since we last met so I'll be posting lots of them over the next few days.

New Rule: Now that Marcel Marceau is gone, George Bush must make all his public appearances as a mime. At a "No Child Left Behind" event this week, our "education" president - the one who once asked, "Is our children learning?" - said, and I quote, "Childrens do learn." And then he ate another paint chip.
What has to happen before we fit this guy for a helmet? If Bush was a mime, he could avoid these embarrassing gaffes by just staying quiet and performing his signature piece, "Man Trapped Inside a Sectarian Civil War."

New Rule: Twelve-year-olds can't wear cologne. I hate to break it to you, Skippy, but you don't smell like a confident man of the world. You smell like you spilled fruit salad on your shirt. There's a time and a place for cologne. The place is a nightclub, and the time is after your testicles have descended.

New Rule: Let the Arabs win something. Dubai is putting the finishing touches on the world's tallest building, which will tempt someone in Malaysia or China to build an even bigger one. Please don't. Let the Arabs take this one. Maybe you haven't noticed but they haven't won anything in 700 years, and they're not taking it very well. They're like Cubs fans, except instead of singing "Take Me Out to the Ballgame," they beat themselves bloody and scream, "ALAALALALLALAH!"

New Rule: Even if Dennis Kucinich doesn't get to be president, his wife still gets to be First Lady. This week, we learned that Mrs. Kucinich has a stud in her tongue. No, not me. I'm talking about a piercing in her tongue. And if we're serious about keeping the president from even thinking about getting blown by the interns, believe me, this is the way to do it.

New Rule: Stop playing matchmaker to your gay friends. If there's anything gay men hate more than clutter, it's when one of their straight friends says, "There's this new guy at work and he's gay; you two should totally go out." Like that's the only requirement for two gay men to date. "You like penises; I like penises; let's get married." Just once, I'd like to hear a gay man tell a straight girl, "Hey, I met this guy yesterday and he's straight. You should f@#k him."

New Rule: Technology businesses must cut the baby talk. It's 2007. You're a rapacious, multi-billion-dollar corporation, not a stuffed animal. This week, Yahoo! announced a deal with Bebo, which will help it compete with Google. I had to Wiki Bebo to find out it's kind of like Friendster and Woofy. Gosh, I hope they can all band together and save Fuzzleton Village from the evil Snorgs! Grow up! If I want to see uncaring money-making machines with cutesy names, I'd go to a strip club.

New Rule: We may never know what the World Trade Center meant to our enemies, but our inability to build anything on the site in six years symbolizes our national head-up-the-ass. You know, it took two years to build the Eiffel Tower. In the 1880s. By hand. By French guys, while screwing their mistresses. Of course we can't rebuild Iraq. We can't get shit done in Soho!

And while we're on the subject, New Rule: Crazy people who still think the government brought down the Twin Towers in a controlled explosion have to stop pretending that I'm the one who's being naïve. How big a lunatic do you have to be to watch two giant airliners packed with jet fuel slam into buildings on live TV, igniting a massive inferno that burned for two hours, and then think, well, if you believe that was the cause… Stop asking me to raise this ridiculous topic and start asking your doctor if Paxil is right for you.

New Rule: Junk emailers have to stop trying to fool me by writing "Hey, what's up?" in the subject line. Sure, it worked on me the first couple hundred times. And, yes, I'm enjoying the Viagra and my Ukrainian mail-order bride. But, stop bothering me, Replica-Rolex.com! I'm trying to talk to this deposed Nigerian prince who just needs my PIN number to make me rich!

And finally, New Rule: If you believe you need to take all the pills the pharmaceutical industry says you do, then you're already on drugs.

Yes, it's that time in the campaign where all the candidates are presenting their health care proposals. Hillary's covers children's teeth. Edwards has one that includes maintaining gorgeous, shiny hair and Barack Obama's involves going on Oprah, and everyone gets a gastric bypass!

But, none of the plans address the real problem. We won't stop being sick until we stop making ourselves sick. Because there is a point where even the most universal government health program can't help you. They can't outlaw unhealthy food or alcohol or cigarettes. Just pot, sadly.

Because, you see, the government isn't your nanny. They're your dealer. And they subsidize illness in America. They have to. There's too much money in it. You see, there's no money in healthy people. And there's no money in dead people. The money is in the middle. People who are alive, sort of -- but with one or more chronic conditions that puts them in need of Celebrex or Nasonex or Valtrex or Lunesta. Fifty years ago, children didn't even get Type 2 Diabetes. Now, it's an emerging epidemic. As are a long list of ailments which used to be rare, and have now been "mainstreamed."

Things like asthma and autism and acid reflux, and arthritis, allergies, adult acne, attention deficit disorder. And that's just the "A's."

Doesn't anybody wonder why we live with all this illness? I'll tell you why. At the L.A. County Fair last week, they were serving something called "Fried Coke." Now, my first thought was, gosh, what a waste of a perfectly good "Eight Ball." But, no, they actually pour the Coca-Cola syrup into a deep fryer.

Then put it in a cup and top it with sugar and whipped cream, and a cherry, because, you know, fruit is good for you.

Would it really be that much more unhealthy to get molested by one of the carnies?

In Hillary Clinton's health plan, the words "nutrition" and "exercise" appear once. The word "drugs" 14 times. Just as the pharmaceutical companies want it. You know, their ad weasels love to say, "When diet and exercise fail…" Well, diet and exercise don't fail. A fact brought home last week by a new Duke University study that showed exercise - yes, exercise - is just as effective a cure for depression as Paxil and Zoloft.

So ask your doctor if getting off your ass is right for you!

You know, if Republicans can sell the idea of preemptive war, Democrats have to at least get us interested in the idea of preventive medicine. Someone has to stand up and say that the answer isn't another pill. The answer is spinach. Okay, not spinach. Turns out that crap'll kill you. But you know what I mean!
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Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Yard Sale Hell!
Hello my friends, I have returned and I come baring new rules and fun stories of suburban life. Today I share my first yard sale story.

Unfortunatly I found it neccesary to hold my first yard sale to clear room in my apartment. So me and my GF got together and broguht out all my old crap and pretty much put it in front of her house, because my apartment complex won't let me set up there, so I went to her place.

So I set up all my things, I had old clothes, movies, CDs, even just some novelty items.

So, now I'm set and just waiting you know for people to come by and buy my old crap. It was at this point that I realized how stupid an idea the yard/garage sale really is. I mean, you stand outside all day to try and sell the crap you don't want to people you don't know.

Of course, in typical yard sale fashion, the first people to come over were the neighbors. And of course they didn't want to buy anything, they just wanted to see what there neighbors had been hiding from them all these years. They jsut poked at everything and then moved on.

Finally my first "real" customer came and they always go straight to the weirdest thing you have for sale: "Hey! Why are you selling this budha, cigarette lighter, toe nail clipper?"

And you can't go "Cause it's a piece of shit!" Because you want them to buy it, so you have to make something up: "Oh, well...uhh, we just got a new one and this one makes coffee, so were just gonna let that one go."

But this was the biggest kick in the head to me. This older guy and his wife, probably in there 60's stopped at the sale. And when I say stopped, I mean they came to a screeching halt in there little caddilac. So now I'm scared because people are risking there lives to look at my trash.

So the old guy gets out, his wife sits in the car and just keeps sipping her diet coke out of one of those damn bendy straws like the kind you get at the hospital. Which I can't figure out why you'd want to have one of those. I mean it's like "Oh, I want every day to be like the kidney surgery day!"

So anyway, the old guy goes straight for my clothing rack and starts going through my jackets and stuff. He does this for a few minutes til he comes around to my old florida gators jacket that I'm selling forlike 5 bucks. So he takes it off the rack, tries is on, which at this point I want him to buy now that he's worn it. He then turns to his wife in the car and says "Well, what do you think?"

She takes a sip of her soda and says "I wouldn't pay more then 4 dollars for that."

Is 5 dollars really to much to ask? I just wanted to tie them up and make them watch me burn it. But I then realized once you've taken hostages and started a fire, you've made a serious marketing error. Plus any kind of voo doo ritual completely throws off your walk way traffic, so I didn't end up doing anything and I let him have it for the 4.

I only made like 40 bucks, didn't sell half my stuff, so sumed up it was a pretty crappy day.
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Saturday, June 2, 2007

Last for a few weeks
This'll be my last post for s few weeks while I go out for feild training with my unit. Don't worry, I'll make sure I have some good stroites and maybe a few more new rules to share with you when I came back.

New Rule: "The View" must be renamed, "Morning Cat Fight." Barbara, Joy, get out of the way and let these two have at it! I want to see Rosie introduce the Republican chick to lesbianism, the hard way.

New Rule: You don't have to email me the pictures of everything your baby has ever done. The first step, his first sand castle, his first date with Demi Moore... I don't care. I mean, how many times do I have to say it? That's not my baby, Angelina!

New Rule: Fashion and Wal-Mart don't mix. Wal-Mart's first attempt to sell designer clothing has been a huge flop. I wonder why. Oh, I know, because it's Wal-Mart. If your customers cared about fashion, they'd shop someplace classier, like the Salvation Army. The only fashion question a Wal-Mart shopper has is, "Can I get this in camouflage?" Okay, never mind. It's all right.

New Rule: If turning on my cell phone can bring down your commercial airliner, build a better plane. Right? I mean, the number of people who carry hand-held electrical devices these days equals the number of people who have hands. To give them all veto power over whether the other passengers live or die seems like a flaw in the system.

And finally, New Rule: Jimmy Carter must be shipped off to Guantanamo Bay. Last weekend, former U.S. president and current Al Qaeda operative--Jimmy Carter, launched an unprovoked attack upon democracy itself by telling an Arkansas newspaper that the Bush Administration has been the worst in history. And people were shocked... Arkansas has newspapers?!

But, once again, we were sucked into a phony controversy about who said what and how it hurts George Bush's feelings. Because when you hurt George Bush, you hurt America's feelings; and when you hurt America's feelings, you hurt the troops. And when that happens, Tinker Bell's light goes out and she dies.

Now, as for Carter's assertion, I was up all night on Wikipedia doing an exhaustive study of former presidents. And while other presidents have sucked in their own individual ways, Bush is like a smorgasbord of "suck." He -- he combines the corruption of Warren G. Harding, the war-mongering of James Polk, and the abuse of power of Richard Nixon.

Nixon got in trouble for illegally wiretapping Democratic headquarters. Bush is illegally wiretapping the entire country!

Nixon opened up relations with the Chinese. Bush let them poison your dog.

Herbert Hoover, who was literally named after a machine that sucks--sat on his ass through four years of Depression, but he was an actual engineer. And if someone told him about global warming, he would have understood it before the penguins caught on fire.

Ulysses S. Grant let his cronies loot the republic, but he won his Civil War.

Harding...Harding sucked, but he once said, "I am not fit for this office and never should have been here." So at least he knew he sucked. He never walked offstage like Bush does after one of his embarrassing, language-mangling press conferences--with that smirk on his face like, "Nailed it!" Or maybe that's just the look you get when you have a showdown with the Democrats, and you win. Like he just did with Iraq. You don't get to become the worst president ever without a little help from the other side.

You know, I like Jimmy Carter, but when the -- when the Republican "fake outrage" machine pretended to be so upset at his remarks, Carter did what Democrats do, and backed down. He said his words were careless and misquoted, and the sun was in his eyes, and his hearing aid went out, and he was molested by a clergyman.

Instead of looking them in the eye and saying, "No, I meant what I said because it's true! And speaking as the first citizen of Habitat for Humanity, let me take out my Jimmy Carter toolbox and build you a house where we can meet, and you can blow me."

Well, that made me feel better. Ranting is always the perfect cure for stress. Remember that. I hope you all enjoy reading them and I'll get to work on my next batch so I can give you guys something to laugh at when I get back.
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Monday, May 21, 2007

Sorry for it taking so long
I know I've been gone for a little while again but I've kinda been swamped. Right now I'm pretty much helping run my unit because everyone else is either on deployment or on leave or whatever all else, so it's just me and my commander left here on the home front so I've got a lot of work to do between organizing documents and inventoring equipment. I gotta tell you, I've been in buearocratic hell for the last week. Anyway, I've still got some fun new rules for you, so never fear.

New Rule: Flavors have to be actual flavors. Grape is a flavor. Cinnamon is a flavor. "Arctic Chill" and "Crystal Frost"? I'm pretty sure those are types of meth.

New Rule: No more bad Iraq analogies that trivialize the war. Republican John Shimkus compared Iraq to a Cubs-Cardinals game that has gone into extra innings. Which is ridiculous. Iraq is much more like a Yankees-Royals game. One team has lots of power and all the money in the world, and still can't find a way to win.

New Rule: Reporters on "Entertainment Tonight" have to stop referring to the "heartbreaking David Hasselhoff video," and then, on a personal note, adding, "We all hope he gets better." Yeah, right, the only way you could love that video more is if the thing he was eating was Anna Nicole Smith's heart.

And so what, he's drunk on the floor of a Vegas hotel room? Call me old-fashioned. I thought that's what Vegas hotel room floors were for! David Hasselhoff doesn't need help. He's the only guy in the world whose designated driver is his car. (This is a "Knight Rider" reference for all who don't know.)

New Rule: You can't send the National Guard to Iraq and then claim it's still here. The helicopters, the humvees, the men...like Dorothy and Toto, they're not in Kansas anymore. Sorry, Mr. President, but the last documented case of a National Guardsman able to be in two places at one time... was you.

New Rule: The Chinese community must explain why Chinese restaurants are never open for breakfast. There's a billion of you. You can't all be sleeping in. I'll make you a deal. You tell me why you're not open for breakfast, and I'll tell you how to get back on the freeway. I kid the Asians. I got mad love for the Asians. Don't write me.

New Rule: Dick Cheney must be shown this picture to see if it elicits any sort of human response whatsoever. Look, Dick, it's a kitten playing with a bird. Isn't it cute? "Aw, no, Wolf, I see a fitter cat excited sighted for the kill." "Ripping off the head of a clearly weaker species, orgasmic in its desire to consume and savor the taste of blood." Okay, just checking.

New Rule: George Bush can't have any more visitors until he finishes his homework. He can't see you now, he's losing a war to Arab teenagers. Three weeks ago it was the Carolina Hurricanes. This week it was the Miami Heat. From now on, if he wants to meet any more sports heroes, he has to get in line behind all the other retarded kids.

And finally, New Rule: If you don't think your daughter getting cancer is worse than your daughter having sex, you're doing it wrong. Last year, modern medicine came up with a way to greatly reduce cervical cancer in young women. It's a vaccine that can virtually wipe out the sexually-transmitted disease called HPV, which leads to the cancer.

But not everyone is pleased with this vaccine. There are Christian values groups and churches nationwide who are fighting it. Briget Maher – no relation–and none planned – formerly of the Family Research Council– says giving girls the vaccine is bad because– quote – "the girls may see it as a license to engage in pre-marital sex."

Hey, Mrs. Maher, let me tell you something. Your daughter is already on the Internet exchanging bondage fantasies with a German boy she met on MySpace. Forget HPV. She's on to S&M. And Mrs. Maher, I'm sure I don't have to tell you there's only one foolproof method to make a woman abstinent: marry her.

So, let's review here. HPV is a new STD that the CDC wants teens vaccinated for PDQ. And that's not sitting well with the Harper Valley PTA. They think if a teenage girl feels a little prick, she's going to want to feel a whole lot more.

But, HPV shots don't cause promiscuity. Tequila shots do. And MTV. And having moron parents you want to escape from. Hey, when you're 15 years old, breathing encourages sexual activity.

But, let's be frank. These values groups aren't just against the HPV shot. They're against family planning and condoms and morning-after pills. They want to make sure sex is as dangerous as possible, so that kids know if they sleep around and get an STD, that's God teaching them a lesson. And that lesson is: "You should never have tried out for 'American Idol' in the first place!"

Now, I know our kids are dumb. I just read it in a New Rule. But, will they really have sex with anything that moves just because they know there's a vaccine? People don't get the vaccine for typhoid and say, "Great, now I can drink the sewer water in Bombay!" It's like being against a cure for blindness because it'll encourage masturbation!

It's like being for the salmonella poisoning in peanut butter because it will discourage weirdos from spreading it on their ass and calling the dog!

If this is the nonsense you're teaching your kids, they're already screwed.

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Tuesday, May 8, 2007

Time for fun
After a somber note the other day I feel like ranting just alittle bit with some good old new rules.


New Rule: Boxers have to get rid of that pre-fight ritual where they go nose-to-nose and taunt each other. This doesn't say, "Let's get ready to rumble." It says, "Can't you two see you're in love?" Besides, what's he going to say? Something that makes you so mad you want to punch him in the face? You're already going to punch him in the face! How about skipping the trash talk and just go to the part where you punch each other in the face?


New Rule: Screenwriters have to think up a new cliché for single people other than the carton of stale Chinese food in the refrigerator. According to every movie and TV show ever made, all single people have that one carton of Chinese food, and then they smell it and recoil from the stench. And that's how we know they're single. How about this instead? Just show the character having sex and that's how we know they're not married?


New Rule: Political debaters must stop pretending they have a friend in the audience. I don't know who started this hacky tradition of randomly pointing at people but it's got to stop. "Look, there's my friend!" "I've got a friend, too!" "So do I!" "I've got two friends!" You know, it was cool when Clinton did it, but only because he was going, "Need her, need her, got her, got her, need her, need her, got her!"

New Rule: Men can't wear shorts with a suit. I don't care how bad global warming gets, you can't walk around looking like you've lost your lollipop. This look doesn't say, "I'm casual but elegant," it says, "I'm Buster Brown and I live in a shoe." Even the gayest gay men think this is too gay. At least that's what they tell me in the steam room.

And finally, New Rule: Conservatives have to stop rolling their eyes every time they hear the word, "France." Like just calling something "French" is the ultimate argument winner. As if to say, "What can you say about a country that was too stupid to get on board with our wonderfully-conceived and brilliantly-executed war in Iraq?"

And, yet, an American politician could not survive if he uttered the simple, true statement, "France has a better health care system than we do, and we should steal it." Because here, simply dismissing an idea as French passes for an argument. "John Kerry? Couldn't vote for him; he looked French." Yeah, as opposed to the other guy who just looked stupid.

Now, last week, France had an election, and people over there approach an election differently. They vote. Eighty-five percent of them turned out. You couldn't get 85% of Americans to get off the couch if there was an election between "Tits" and "Bigger Tits," and they were handing out free samples!

Now, maybe the high turnout has something to do with the fact that the French candidates are never asked where they stand on evolution, prayer in school, abortion, stem cell research or gay marriage. And if the candidate knows about a character in a book other than Jesus, it's not a drawback.

The electorate doesn't vote for the guy they want to have a croissant with; nor do they care about private lives. In the current race, Ségolène Royal has four kids, but she never got married. And she's a Socialist. In America, if a Democrat even thinks you're calling him "liberal," he grabs an orange vest and a rifle and heads into the woods to kill something!

Madame Royal's opponent is married, but they live apart and lead separate lives. And the people are okay with that for the same reason they're okay with nude beaches; because they're not a nation of six-year-olds who scream and giggle if they see pee-pee parts!

They have weird ideas about privacy. They think it should be private. In France, even the mistresses have mistresses. To not have a lady on the side says to the voters, "I'm no good at multi-tasking."

Now, like any country, France has its faults, like all that ridiculous accordion music. But, their health care is the best in the industrialized world. As is their poverty rate. And they're completely independent of Mid East oil. And they're the greenest country. And they're not fat. And they have public intellectuals in France. We have Dr. Phil!

They invented sex during the day, lingerie and the tongue. Can't we admit we could learn something from them?

So, from now on, all you high-ranking Bush Administration officials, because the French are righter than you on most things, when France comes up in conversation, you are not allowed to roll your eyes. The only time you get to do that is when your hooker from Ms. Julia is blowing you.

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