Tuesday, May 8, 2007

Time for fun
After a somber note the other day I feel like ranting just alittle bit with some good old new rules.


New Rule: Boxers have to get rid of that pre-fight ritual where they go nose-to-nose and taunt each other. This doesn't say, "Let's get ready to rumble." It says, "Can't you two see you're in love?" Besides, what's he going to say? Something that makes you so mad you want to punch him in the face? You're already going to punch him in the face! How about skipping the trash talk and just go to the part where you punch each other in the face?


New Rule: Screenwriters have to think up a new cliché for single people other than the carton of stale Chinese food in the refrigerator. According to every movie and TV show ever made, all single people have that one carton of Chinese food, and then they smell it and recoil from the stench. And that's how we know they're single. How about this instead? Just show the character having sex and that's how we know they're not married?


New Rule: Political debaters must stop pretending they have a friend in the audience. I don't know who started this hacky tradition of randomly pointing at people but it's got to stop. "Look, there's my friend!" "I've got a friend, too!" "So do I!" "I've got two friends!" You know, it was cool when Clinton did it, but only because he was going, "Need her, need her, got her, got her, need her, need her, got her!"

New Rule: Men can't wear shorts with a suit. I don't care how bad global warming gets, you can't walk around looking like you've lost your lollipop. This look doesn't say, "I'm casual but elegant," it says, "I'm Buster Brown and I live in a shoe." Even the gayest gay men think this is too gay. At least that's what they tell me in the steam room.

And finally, New Rule: Conservatives have to stop rolling their eyes every time they hear the word, "France." Like just calling something "French" is the ultimate argument winner. As if to say, "What can you say about a country that was too stupid to get on board with our wonderfully-conceived and brilliantly-executed war in Iraq?"

And, yet, an American politician could not survive if he uttered the simple, true statement, "France has a better health care system than we do, and we should steal it." Because here, simply dismissing an idea as French passes for an argument. "John Kerry? Couldn't vote for him; he looked French." Yeah, as opposed to the other guy who just looked stupid.

Now, last week, France had an election, and people over there approach an election differently. They vote. Eighty-five percent of them turned out. You couldn't get 85% of Americans to get off the couch if there was an election between "Tits" and "Bigger Tits," and they were handing out free samples!

Now, maybe the high turnout has something to do with the fact that the French candidates are never asked where they stand on evolution, prayer in school, abortion, stem cell research or gay marriage. And if the candidate knows about a character in a book other than Jesus, it's not a drawback.

The electorate doesn't vote for the guy they want to have a croissant with; nor do they care about private lives. In the current race, Ségolène Royal has four kids, but she never got married. And she's a Socialist. In America, if a Democrat even thinks you're calling him "liberal," he grabs an orange vest and a rifle and heads into the woods to kill something!

Madame Royal's opponent is married, but they live apart and lead separate lives. And the people are okay with that for the same reason they're okay with nude beaches; because they're not a nation of six-year-olds who scream and giggle if they see pee-pee parts!

They have weird ideas about privacy. They think it should be private. In France, even the mistresses have mistresses. To not have a lady on the side says to the voters, "I'm no good at multi-tasking."

Now, like any country, France has its faults, like all that ridiculous accordion music. But, their health care is the best in the industrialized world. As is their poverty rate. And they're completely independent of Mid East oil. And they're the greenest country. And they're not fat. And they have public intellectuals in France. We have Dr. Phil!

They invented sex during the day, lingerie and the tongue. Can't we admit we could learn something from them?

So, from now on, all you high-ranking Bush Administration officials, because the French are righter than you on most things, when France comes up in conversation, you are not allowed to roll your eyes. The only time you get to do that is when your hooker from Ms. Julia is blowing you.

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