Monday, October 15, 2007

New Rules
I've been gone for a little while and I'd like to share some more new rules with you all. I've managed quite a few since we last met so I'll be posting lots of them over the next few days.

New Rule: Now that Marcel Marceau is gone, George Bush must make all his public appearances as a mime. At a "No Child Left Behind" event this week, our "education" president - the one who once asked, "Is our children learning?" - said, and I quote, "Childrens do learn." And then he ate another paint chip.
What has to happen before we fit this guy for a helmet? If Bush was a mime, he could avoid these embarrassing gaffes by just staying quiet and performing his signature piece, "Man Trapped Inside a Sectarian Civil War."

New Rule: Twelve-year-olds can't wear cologne. I hate to break it to you, Skippy, but you don't smell like a confident man of the world. You smell like you spilled fruit salad on your shirt. There's a time and a place for cologne. The place is a nightclub, and the time is after your testicles have descended.

New Rule: Let the Arabs win something. Dubai is putting the finishing touches on the world's tallest building, which will tempt someone in Malaysia or China to build an even bigger one. Please don't. Let the Arabs take this one. Maybe you haven't noticed but they haven't won anything in 700 years, and they're not taking it very well. They're like Cubs fans, except instead of singing "Take Me Out to the Ballgame," they beat themselves bloody and scream, "ALAALALALLALAH!"

New Rule: Even if Dennis Kucinich doesn't get to be president, his wife still gets to be First Lady. This week, we learned that Mrs. Kucinich has a stud in her tongue. No, not me. I'm talking about a piercing in her tongue. And if we're serious about keeping the president from even thinking about getting blown by the interns, believe me, this is the way to do it.

New Rule: Stop playing matchmaker to your gay friends. If there's anything gay men hate more than clutter, it's when one of their straight friends says, "There's this new guy at work and he's gay; you two should totally go out." Like that's the only requirement for two gay men to date. "You like penises; I like penises; let's get married." Just once, I'd like to hear a gay man tell a straight girl, "Hey, I met this guy yesterday and he's straight. You should f@#k him."

New Rule: Technology businesses must cut the baby talk. It's 2007. You're a rapacious, multi-billion-dollar corporation, not a stuffed animal. This week, Yahoo! announced a deal with Bebo, which will help it compete with Google. I had to Wiki Bebo to find out it's kind of like Friendster and Woofy. Gosh, I hope they can all band together and save Fuzzleton Village from the evil Snorgs! Grow up! If I want to see uncaring money-making machines with cutesy names, I'd go to a strip club.

New Rule: We may never know what the World Trade Center meant to our enemies, but our inability to build anything on the site in six years symbolizes our national head-up-the-ass. You know, it took two years to build the Eiffel Tower. In the 1880s. By hand. By French guys, while screwing their mistresses. Of course we can't rebuild Iraq. We can't get shit done in Soho!

And while we're on the subject, New Rule: Crazy people who still think the government brought down the Twin Towers in a controlled explosion have to stop pretending that I'm the one who's being naïve. How big a lunatic do you have to be to watch two giant airliners packed with jet fuel slam into buildings on live TV, igniting a massive inferno that burned for two hours, and then think, well, if you believe that was the cause… Stop asking me to raise this ridiculous topic and start asking your doctor if Paxil is right for you.

New Rule: Junk emailers have to stop trying to fool me by writing "Hey, what's up?" in the subject line. Sure, it worked on me the first couple hundred times. And, yes, I'm enjoying the Viagra and my Ukrainian mail-order bride. But, stop bothering me, Replica-Rolex.com! I'm trying to talk to this deposed Nigerian prince who just needs my PIN number to make me rich!

And finally, New Rule: If you believe you need to take all the pills the pharmaceutical industry says you do, then you're already on drugs.

Yes, it's that time in the campaign where all the candidates are presenting their health care proposals. Hillary's covers children's teeth. Edwards has one that includes maintaining gorgeous, shiny hair and Barack Obama's involves going on Oprah, and everyone gets a gastric bypass!

But, none of the plans address the real problem. We won't stop being sick until we stop making ourselves sick. Because there is a point where even the most universal government health program can't help you. They can't outlaw unhealthy food or alcohol or cigarettes. Just pot, sadly.

Because, you see, the government isn't your nanny. They're your dealer. And they subsidize illness in America. They have to. There's too much money in it. You see, there's no money in healthy people. And there's no money in dead people. The money is in the middle. People who are alive, sort of -- but with one or more chronic conditions that puts them in need of Celebrex or Nasonex or Valtrex or Lunesta. Fifty years ago, children didn't even get Type 2 Diabetes. Now, it's an emerging epidemic. As are a long list of ailments which used to be rare, and have now been "mainstreamed."

Things like asthma and autism and acid reflux, and arthritis, allergies, adult acne, attention deficit disorder. And that's just the "A's."

Doesn't anybody wonder why we live with all this illness? I'll tell you why. At the L.A. County Fair last week, they were serving something called "Fried Coke." Now, my first thought was, gosh, what a waste of a perfectly good "Eight Ball." But, no, they actually pour the Coca-Cola syrup into a deep fryer.

Then put it in a cup and top it with sugar and whipped cream, and a cherry, because, you know, fruit is good for you.

Would it really be that much more unhealthy to get molested by one of the carnies?

In Hillary Clinton's health plan, the words "nutrition" and "exercise" appear once. The word "drugs" 14 times. Just as the pharmaceutical companies want it. You know, their ad weasels love to say, "When diet and exercise fail…" Well, diet and exercise don't fail. A fact brought home last week by a new Duke University study that showed exercise - yes, exercise - is just as effective a cure for depression as Paxil and Zoloft.

So ask your doctor if getting off your ass is right for you!

You know, if Republicans can sell the idea of preemptive war, Democrats have to at least get us interested in the idea of preventive medicine. Someone has to stand up and say that the answer isn't another pill. The answer is spinach. Okay, not spinach. Turns out that crap'll kill you. But you know what I mean!
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