Thursday, May 18, 2006

It's been a awhile.
Sorry for my leave of absense, but I had alot of things to take care of before graduation. Anyway, I gradutaed last night so I'm gonna have some more free time on my hands. And without further adue, it's time for new rules.

New Rule: You can't chant "America, you lose," at your trial, and then ask for another chance. Zacarias Moussaioui says he has more faith in juries now, and he wants to change his plea to "not guilty." Sorry, Zac, that's not how we roll here. If we wanted to give second chances to loons who scream death threats, we'd remarry Charlie Sheen.

New Rule: If turning on my cell phone can bring down your commercial airliner, build a better plane. Right? I mean, the number of people who carry hand-held electrical devices these days equals the number of people who have hands. To give them all veto power over whether the other passengers live or die seems like a flaw in the system.

New Rule: Men are supposed to have hair. Norelco has introduced a men's shaver designed to shave all body zones, including armpits and the groin area. Oh, good, just what I've always wanted: hundreds of tiny, vibrating, steel blades on my nutsack. But, go ahead, all you metrosexuals. Shave your pits, trim your groin. And then when you've removed all traces of masculinity, use the handy knife attachment to cut off your penis.

Rule: If you want to live the American dream, move to Europe. According to a new study, climbing up the economic ladder in this country is much harder than in just about every other wealthy nation. If you're born poor here, you pretty much stay that way. And fat-cat catering Republicans get poor people to vote for them because they get them to vote their dreams, not their self-interests. That's why lots of people of modest means are all for getting rid of the estate tax, a tax which affects one percent of us, the richest one percent of us. You know, the ones with estates.

A category also familiar by the name, "Not you." You know, America has a lottery mentality. We think we can party till we're 40, fail in business after business, and then somehow wind up as president of the United States.

Okay, bad example. But our philosophy does come from the lottery. Hey, you never know! Yes, I do. In America, if you're not born rich, you'll die tryin', bitch. Because you're not going to win the lottery. You're not going to inherit a fortune from a distant relative. Or marry a prince. Or get that call from Hollywood saying they're making a movie out of your MySpace page.

Oh, yeah. According to a recent survey, 98% of college freshman agreed with the statement, "I am sure that one day I will get where I want to be in life." I'm sorry. You have yourself mixed up with the Asian kid.

You know, I have never understood how Americans can talk so much about dreams, how great it is to have a dream, but make absolutely no judgments about what the dream is! Does it matter that your kids all want to be rockers and rappers and ballers and divas? Watch MTV for a day. You'll see. Your kid's dream is to be on "Cribs," living in a 50-room mansion with a shark tank and a Whitney Houston "crack nook." It's a dream about being able to spend your life pigging out on ego and money and attention in the way only this wonderful business of our allows.

So, fine. But do we have to admire it? Do we have to treat that dream the same as if it was a dream to teach, or join Doctors Without Borders? Do we have to...do we have to honor our kids for wanting to go from rags...to bitches? For wanting to live out an eternal weekend that never turns to Monday, snorting caviar off their Bentleys and air-guitaring their way to the cover of US magazine? Sadly, yes. Or they'll refuse to teach you how to clear the porn trail off your computer.

So I'm not saying, "Stop dreaming." I'm just saying, "Wake up." Because no one is ever going to give you half-a-billion dollars for sitting around like a lump. They can't. They've already given it to this "bastard."

That's right the former chairman of Exxon/Mobile, Lee "Fat Bastard" Raymond.
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