Saturday, July 3, 2004

   BIG MISTAKE
Today we went and got some BIG explosives. I can’t wait to set them all off. The surrounding are will probably burn to the ground but its ok right? It’s just some harm less fun Ha Ha Ha. According to the info. Bellow I’m a Homicidal Maniac and angel/ bandit is also one I’m in trouble please help save me from her pleeeaaaaaassssssssssssseeeeeeeeeeeee NOW!
Signs That You May Be a Homicidal Maniac
Your bullets have little smiley faces painted on the tips.
You find watching the 'faces of death' series to be a calming experience after a rough day.
You wear a black trench coat and combat boots. (note: not all homicidal maniacs use this attire, BUT all people who use this attire ARE homicidal maniacs).
You have a full room dedicated to your collection of medieval surgical instruments.
You use medieval surgical instruments.
the concept of using a blowtorch on something other than flesh, like say... metal, seems alien to you.
You say things like 'I'm not a butcher, I'm an artist working in an unpopular medium'.
You use the term 'thinning the herd' in relation to people.
You wake up in strange places, naked, covered in blood, and holding a pair of dental pliers.
You have a significant number of interactive conversations with inanimate objects and at some point, they start telling you to do 'bad things'.
You have memorized the location and accessibility of water towers in relation to densely populated areas, and you own a suppressed high powered rifle.
You have skeletons in your closet. Literally.
You have a well used piece of piano wire, yet you have never owned a piano.
You firmly believe that the laws of this world don't apply to you because you serve a higher power.
You have a more functional knowledge of the human anatomy then any given doctor.
Seeing horrific car accidents makes you giggle.
You think of the Spanish inquisition as 'a good start'.
The sight of mushroom clouds sexually arouses you.
Your body count rivals that of Nagasaki, 1945.
You collect any part of the human anatomy.
You like dressing up like the Easter bunny and carry around a fire axe.
You consider barbed wire a sexual aid.
After that last 'little mistake' you installed breathing holes in the trunk of your car.
You list Pinhead from 'Hellraiser' among your favorite artists.
You give live scorpion's as Valentines day gifts.
You keep your stash of potassium cyanide in your guest bathroom, in a bottle marked 'aspirin'.
You think of crucifixion as a lost art.
Most of your religious knowledge revolves around Cain.
You can identify with Cain.
You think you are Cain.
You have a tasty recipe for human flesh.
You live in New York.
You have a pet name for your knife.
You go big-game hunting with a chainsaw.
You use the lyrics to the Ministry song 'Flashback' as a how-to guide.
You support televised capital punishment, not as a deterent to crime, but because you like watching people die.
You walk through the local shopping mall looking for exploitable weaknesses in their bomb defenses.
Your basement labratory has seven different strains of Ebola; at least 320% stronger than anything the CDC has ever seen.
Your bunny slippers are actually dead rabbits.
There are more dead bodies in your back yard than there are in Arlington.
You continue working in the slaughter houses because you enjoy the smell.
You regard the Marquis DeSade as the father of modern art.
You have a freezer overflowing with meat, but you never go to the grocery store or butcher shop.
You feel cannibalism is a reasonable dietary plan -- and you like to be self-reliant in terms of food procurement.
Your favorite pigment for paint and dyes is hemoglobin.
You take the phrase "brain food" literally.
You keep people, rather than hats or coats, on your rack.
You think brand names are the lettering on the iron.
When you see someone with dirty face or hands, you scrub them with 60 grit sandpaper.
When you hear the phrase "body piercing" you think of people attached to the walls with railroad spikes.
One of your fave weekend pastimes is human jigsaw puzzles.
You light your house with red light bulbs to disguise the blood stains.
You feel that Macbeth got shafted.
you consider explosives and sharp implements to be perfect gifts.
You have rusted farm implements as bedroom decor.
Sexual "protection" is extended to bullet proof vests and very strong restraints.
When asked were you got something your typical response is "I killed a -blank- and then stole his -blank-.
You have messages and psychotic pictures written in iridescent ink all around your house... sure they are usually invisible but you feel better cause you know they are there.
When placed in a crisis situation your first response is to see if their jugular is in reach...
You know the words for "dismember," "entrails," "pain," and "blood" in 12 different languages, but you can only say "hello" in two.
All your chairs have wires and rheostats attached them.
You know more cuts of meat than the butcher down the street.
Your fave percussion instrument is an automatic machine gun.
You can make your own bone meal fertilizer for free.
You have gutters on the INSIDE of your house (for blood collection)
You have a symbiotic relationship with a denture-wearing vampire.
Quiz
'Are You Already A Homicidal Maniac?'
Here is a little quiz i've put together to determine exactly how much of a threat to society you are. Please answer truthfully, the only one you hurt by lying is yourself.
(and, after all, it IS so much more fun to hurt others.)

1.) a man bumps into you in line in a store, he grumbles some thing that might be 'excuse me' but it sounds more like 'get the hell out of my way, you freak' do you:
A.) excuse yourself
B.) ignore him/ give him dirty look
C.) bash him over the head with a tire iron and vivisect him for the entertainment of the crowd around you

2.) a couple of teen- aged kids are sitting in front of you in a theater, you would be enjoying the film immensely if they weren't talking and throwing things at the screen. after politely asking them to stop they insult you and redouble their enthusiasm. do you:
A.) try to pretend they aren't there
B.) complain to the manager or move to a different seat
C.) quietly garrote them with a piece of piano wire and finish watching the film

3.) you're neighbor across the street frequently beats his pet dog which he keeps perpetually tied to a metal pole in his back yard. do you:
A.) go about your business and hope that he moves
B.) report him to the Humane Society
C.) chain him to a tree in the middle of the woods, cover him with A-1 sauce, and release some hungry timber wolves on him

4.) the local gossip is spreading malicious untrue rumors about you. do you:
A.) move to a new town
B.) pretend your above it and ignore her
C.) hang her upside down by the tree in her front yard, and publicly cut out her tongue.

5.) a middle aged man in a red BMW convertible, while talking on his cell phone, cuts you off. Twice. When you move to pass him, he flashes you his middle finger, honks, and screams something pleasant like 'you drive like shit, asshole!' do you:
A.) slow down, allow him to pass you, and take the next exit so to avoid offending him further
B.) honk back, and speed up so he can't get past you
C.) slow down, allow him to pass you, then force his car off the road and attack him with a road flare while allowing the person on the other end of his cell phone conversation to listen to his tortured screams.

if you answered A to most or all of these questions, you are obviously pathetic and weak, you should consider becoming a homicidal maniac just to survive

if you answered b to most or all of these questions, you probably are a ticking time-bomb of unexpressed hostility waiting to explode. you should become a homicidal manic to vent some tension.

if you answered C to any of these questions, then you have nothing to worry about, you ARE a homicidal manic and should be proud of that fact.
Why do you want to be a Homicidal Maniac?
Here is a brief listing of the top reasons to become a Homicidal Maniac. if you fall into one or more of these categories, you may want to consider a career change.
Sick of people.
Sick of life.
Bored.
Just like to kill.
Artistic statement.
All of your friends are doing it.
Looking for a good way to meet people.
Friend, doctor, pet recommended it.
Independently wealthy and looking for a hobby.
Supernatural powers.

Tools of the Trade
In an effort to show neophyte maniacs some of the vast array of possibilities open to them, The Engine has decided to print this list of tools. It is, in no way, complete. It is merely intended to give the beginner some insights into his many options.
'Choose Your Weapon'
The tools of a Homicidal Maniac are as varied as the types of people who use them. Everybody has their own personal preference. There are, however, some good guidelines to follow in choosing what is right for you.
1.) Only choose a tool or tools that you are going to take the time to learn how to use properly. There is nothing quite so pathetic as a homicidal maniac who doesn't know what he's doing.
2.) Your media presence is a tool unto itself. Try to make the most of it. For example: an 'Axe- wielding Maniac' (while somewhat overdone) conveys a message of fear to the general populace, whereas a 'Spongemop- wielding Maniac' tends to evoke an emotion something more along the lines of humor than gut wrenching terror. (though the concept of a Spongemop- wielding Maniac DOES have some intrinsic value, and may well fall into the 'cool' category if done with the right zealous abandon.)

Axe/ Hatchet :Very common. Everybody wants to be an Axe- wielding Maniac. not very original, but a useful tool just the same.
Bombs: Like the Axe- wielding maniac, the Mad Bomber is just a bit overdone. Also, bombs lack the precision that is the trademark of an authentic Homicidal Maniac. Only should be used as a last resort.
Chainsaw: Waaaay to unoriginal. BUT so cool we don't care.
Firearms: Highly discouraged. Put simply,: it's too easy, there is no challenge. Even a complete incompetent can kill with a gun. If you must use a firearm, it should be either A.) painted bright 'happy' colors, or B.) have writing all over it. eg: little drawings, slogans, Etc. (*Note: the Engine is forced here to denounce items of archery such as bows and crossbows as well, not because we don't like them, but (again) because it's too easy. Though we don't denounce them as vigorously because there is a degree of skill required to master them.)(*Another Note: blowguns and slingshots are o.k. they are fairly ridiculous and therefore cool. Boomerangs are pretty slick to. if you can do it, go for it.)
Flame Thrower: Oh yeah, if you can find one, use it.
Garrote (Piano Wire): Not always practical, but neat just the same.
Hammer (Claw): Good.
Hammer (Sledge): Better.
Knives: By and far the best tool. You can NEVER have too many knives. Your knife is your best friend. ALWAYS have a knife with you. Your knife loves you.
Machete: Pretty cool, kind of unweildy though.
Martial Arts/ Weapons: There is a catch-22 here. The only time you should use martial arts or martial arts weapons is if you have the necessary training, however, if you have received the necessary training, you know that you can't use it for Homicidal Mania type stuff. Hmmm. Probably a good thing to have in your bag'o tricks, but should only be used properly.
Poison: A rather 'unaestheticly pleasing' tool. Use it if you like. We think you could do better.
Power tools (General): There is just something neat about the idea of using a Dremel or a hacksaw on someone. Easy to learn too.
Surgical Instruments: If you know how to use them. VERY cool. If not... don't waste our time.
Swords: Second only to knives in terms of the best tool. Anybody can shoot someone, but it takes a special kind of Homicidal Maniac to use a sword. (Note: the Engine (probably incorrectly) places bokens (wooden swords) into this category and not in 'martial arts'. Why? Because we want to.)
Vehicles: Sure, why not?
Whip: if you can use one effectively (read as: without putting out your eye), then do it.
Other: Chains, Toothpicks, Feather Dusters, Barbed-Wire, Musical Instruments, Small Field Rodents, Pencils, Blowtorches... ahh, the sacred 'Other' category. this is where you'll find the assorted flotsam that defy description. Everything here is cool. Be creative. Live in the 'other' category.
Sometimes...
You can cry until there is nothing wet in you.
You can scream and curse until your throat rebels and ruptures.
You can pray, all you want, to whatever god you think will listen.
And, still, it makes NO difference.
It goes on, with no sign as to when it might release you.
And you never know that if it ever did relent...
It would not be because it cared.
-written in blood before
everything went black

You know Johnny well.. Hopefully ur not like him...
But if u r then.. we could be good friends..


Johnny The Homicidal Maniac
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