Saturday, November 8, 2008

   Liar
This will be another post on my series of self-destruction, so please disregard some things I say here. Or don't, because even if I say so afterwards, my past is still real, even if I try to erase it.

Liar. It angers me how many people have fallen into my lies. I mean, I would guess'em to be a bit weaker, or people to be a little smarter. But no, they keep failing for everything I say to them. I'm such a manipulative bastard >_< How am I to play around with other people's feelings?! How am I to judge that they are better with my lies than the truth?! Even so I control them, lying at each possible occasion...
Sometimes I only wish for someone to go against me, to tell me that I'm wrong, to fight with me! But I think if something like that happened, I would just fight back or run away, because my pride wouldn't let me recognize that I lied.
One of the worst things too is masks. I hide inside my shells and use my lies to cover what I'm really feeling... Crap, even when I was with T-chan, I realised I didn't was to visit her anymore, and was hoping that she would notice and break up with me! Su true that when I received her email breaking up with me, I wasn't sad at all, the only thing that I wanted to know was why she broke up with me, being who I am (yes, I'm still an egocentric worm). And, too, when N-chan broke up with me, i was hoping she would be sad because she chose the other person! What kind of person I am?!
I feel bad about myself, even when I and N-chan were having a relationship I lied a lot... I personally don't think CY is interesting at all, and her drawings could have been much better if she just tried creating characters, instead of copying.
Even now, I just found out another otaku girl here (that I'll just call C-chan), I'm researching about her tastes and alikes so I can plan the best way to approach her, and manipulate her so she deppends on me... I'm really, really pitifull...

The sad thing is, I know I won't change. Even if I rant my ass of here, I'll still be doing this tomorrow, and the day after. Who now is the biggest hipocrate now I don't know...

But yes, I still have some reason inside me. In spite of saying such things, I fight myself to say the truth whenever I can. May it be in a blog like this, or in a diary, I write about it, maybe to protect my sanity. Like, most nights Ispend alone here in fornt of the computer, so I feel the urge to masturbate to some random l0li mangá or doujinshi; but I do have this problem, that whenever I masturbate thinking about this kind of things, I feel horrible afterwards. And yes, I tried stopping, but I don't have the guts nor energy to fight it back. Anyhow, when I don't and am feeling better, I usually go to sleep hugging my pillow and thinking about someone dear to me. D-tan and R-chan are good examples; and just for the record, I don't think anything perverted about them, I just have to feel like smeone is there for me, to make a bit of loneliness go away.

Another thing, that might not count as a lie, but shows how pitiful I am; When I and T-chan were together, we almost had sex more than once. I say almost because I didn't want to, so I never got condoms. Why? Because at the time I didn't like her as much, because I didn't feel ready for the responsabilities of it, and because I was afraid of it. Afraid wa spossibly the smallest reason, but indeed I was somewhat scared of losing my vinginity with her. I can't exactly figure out why, but I kinda value this small things; my first kiss was with her, on my anniversary of 19 years.
but then again, I'm a horrible person, so I guess that's what worms like me would do. And maybe they think that posting about it on a blog will make them feel better too; this would only mean that I don't know other people so terrible as me, that could at least pay me back in the same coin.

Nah, this post is filled with sparce ideas and thoughts. I wouldn't anyone to read it, but that tiny reason that I still have gives me an urge to send the link to everyone... Well, let's see what the future holds for this words, maybe they'lll be my salvation , maybe the'll be my doom. Either way, being the most sincere I can, sorry for anything that I made.

Very well then, 'till the next wave of anguish and despair, and good night.
Comments (0)