Friday, September 3, 2004

Song and Stabbage: Godel on Bards and Rogues.

As episode six of Otogizoushi downloads, I thought I would bring to light why said classes are so much freaking better than you. Let's start with Rogues, and the basic concept of sneak and stab and why it is so much better than simply negotiating or kicking the door in. First of all, when you stab some one in the kidneys, then immediately slit their throat, they have no time to scream, which means you have more of a chance of getting out with what you're after, unscathed. Also, being able to simply take some one's set of keys or pocket money without them noticing can be useful, as they wont notice until it is far to late, and there is no specific technique that some one my recognize. You can then, of course, creep quietly along the corrider, break into the treasure vault without sounding the alarm or alerting the guards (You can do away with them from the shadows, and no one will be the wiser until it's, once again, too late.) Then, you can disguise yourself as an employee of whatever establishment you've thieved from, or simply sneak out unnoticed. Also, when in melee combat, being a successful Rogue means not getting hit. You don't need any more than leather armor, because your awesome dexterity makes it easy to dodge stabbing spears and slashing swords, while sinking the odd blow-dart or throwing dagger into your enemies' weak spots. Also, being a Rogue means you are by no means bound by honor, and that it is clearly any one else's mistake for trusting you. This means that you're probably very good at using people, and not unwilling to murder your opponents in their sleep, unlike the less effective Paladin class, that doesn't even allow you to take advantage of your enemy's misfortune without shedding your alignment and losing any bonuses you got from being a total fucking pansy. Rogues are also deadlier in groups in the same way that a pack of shinobi is deadlier than the same number of samurai. At least you know the Fighter's in the room with you. Being able to pick locks with assured success (Taking ten or twenty is always an option for Rogues when it comes to such things, though it would be a bad idea during a situation of immediate danger, like a fight, which is obvious.) can be nothing but downright useful, not to mention incredibly cool. So, a Rogue in a few point-form notes is: -not about to get hit by anything -not about to let you know she's there before stabbing you -quite possibly right behind you now; it's not like you would have noticed Also, Bards. Bards are very similar to Rogues in a lot of aspects, what with the sneakiness and the proficiency with assasination and small, pointy metal objects hidden in every fold of clothing. They just happen to be, as a bonus, very good at taking your attention from all the horrible things that are going on around you, quite possibly killing you in the process. Spells like Otto's Irresistible Dance and Tasha's Hideous Laughter are awesome simply because they, instead of merely a sploding your target, force them to humiliate themselves in the process. I mean, who would want to die by the blade of a snickering musician in short pants while preforming rediculously complicated footwork against their will? And what else can Bards do? Well, for one, they can create food and board literally out of nowhere, deal 1d10 damage to any structure per round, summon extraplanar monsters to fight for them, impose severe depression on their opponents, and prevent even the greatest of creatures from moving, by merely strumming a few cords on an innocent-looking lute. Or any other instrument for that matter. Additionally, Bards are one of the only classes that can actually drop a hat on the ground in order to collect CP when all else fails, because they are able to do things aside from clobber. Not that there's anything wrong wtih clobbering--it just doesn't make people want to give you spare change. And there you have it: my dissorgnized rant about Bards and Rogues and why they own your ass.

Comments (3)