Saturday, June 5, 2004

*babbling in Japanese*

"Give me that flashlight!" Just a little bit more Uber-Ninja dialogue there for you.^^ Truth be told, I am not sure as to whether or not this game would sell, were it ever to actually be created: not only is its plot hopelessly random and not there but the blood and gore would probably render it banned iN New Zealand. Then again, sheep don't represent a very notable percentage of video-game consumers, do they? (Sorry, Hong Hing: couldn't resist.) I'll give it to you that the name is a real eye-catcher, long-winded, strange, almost self-contradictory. It's the kind of title that makes one stop, pause, and, inevitably, wonder "What the hell is this thing?" It's the kind of game you off-handedly mention having seen (just because the name is so the-adjectives-I've-used-before), but never actually buy. After all, how could something so foolish be worth your time and money? However, there is always the question of how one of five or six "collectable" (who actually collects these kinds of things?--you'd go broke in no time, flat...) boxes, with the title scrawled across the front in what is meant to look like blood (or so I'd imagine the cover) could possibly not become an instant hit. If only I knew anything about video games. Alas. Let's make a couple of lists, shall we? It will help us annalyze the probability of Uber-Ninja's actually becoming known to more than seven or eight people. Reasons why it wouldn't sell: -it would be 0% fan-service, because that stuff's just over-done by this point -it would be rated at least M for violence/gore -it would make no sense what-so-ever -it would contain no angsty, "hot" characters -it would defy all logic, the (often minute) sense of RPGs, sports video games, dating games, fighter games, and just about everything else -its sound-track would be obscure, and mostly made-up of over-100-years-old instrumental compositions -the words in its dialogue would be too large for all but the elite (w00t) -Dango (yep, that's her name--hee^^) would be all but impossible to understand, unless you 1)were very lucky 2) spoke Japanese fluently Reasons why it would sell: -the graphics would be drop-dead gorgeous -the blood would be drop-dead gorgeous -it would be utterly hilarious to play -it would be so satirical, "they" might even dubb it "intelligent" -it would contain mroe senseless violence than all but the elite can handle -the voice-actors would be perfect -the misleading-adds would sucker people into buying it -one of its "collector" boxes would have a picture of Dango (as in the character) holding a samurai sword dripping with blood, smiling wickedly on the front -it would be rated at least M, and probably be banned in New Zealand -we'd burn you if you didn't buy it (that is, we'd circulate around vendor's locations, and stand next to the shelves where it was held--if you looked at it and put it back down, we'd light you on fire >:^D) So, what do you guys think? Would you buy a game that met the above criteria, entitled "Uber-Ninja Killer-Snowboarding of DOOM"? (The "of DOOM" would be splattered across in what looked like blood, because you know...it's better that way. The cast would include the following: Young Ninja Bored with his life at the time, Young Ninja told his beloved mother and father that he was moving on to seek his fortune. In Spain. Spaniard A loveable, daft, noble young man armed with a fencing sword, Spaniard tags along with you for some unkown reason. Dango Japanese school-girl, trained in the art of Kendo. You see her for the first time when a guy on a subway, downtown Tokyo, tries to molest her. She teaches him a powerful lesson about what metal rods can do to your bones if you're not careful. You then must face her in a live-or-do-her-homework battle in DDR. She speaks entirely in Japanese unless, like I said, you are one of two things. David For some reason, it was decided that my friend needed to be included in the game. I don't know why, because he's basically a total pansy. : / He'd fight with the handle from his back-pack, if he fought at all. Man, it'd take forever to explain: you'd never know what that handle was unless you got a detailed description and demonstration of how it works. Aiya... He'd be the healing character, or simply the useless character. And there you have it: your party. So--what's the verdict?

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