Tuesday, February 14, 2006

funny thing as much as you'd think I would hate valintines day. Its actually one of my fav holiday day thingys. :D Happy Valintines to everyone!!!!!!
Comments (1) | Permalink

Wednesday, February 8, 2006

There is no way I am going to pass this year. I have a 28 in math, 34 in history, and a 34 in bio. I am only passing english, sowing, and law. Someone tell me please whats the fucking point anymore. I don't see a future, I see fucking dark. I AM FALLING FUCKING APART.

Just someone please tell me whats the point...whats the goddamn point
Comments (2) | Permalink

Monday, January 30, 2006

So I was talking to terry, more like talking to myself, and I got into this thing about how life is like a tick burowing its head under your skin....I don't know I'm just thinking about that...
latly I feel completely like nothing. I don't feel sad, happy, mad, nothing...okay maybe a little mad. Maybe its cause all of a sudden I gota play the responsible one, I don't want to, I just want to wollow in my depression, longing to die, sadly enough I miss the emotion. But Nooooo I can't be selfish oh no I have to take care of a family member. ~sigh~ stupid tick, GET YOUR FUCKING HEAD OUT FROM UNDER MY SKIN.
Comments (2) | Permalink

Monday, January 23, 2006

Depression is like a fire. It needs kindling, you need to fan the flames, and it will grow bigger. Except in the case of depression you can’t stop adding wood.
Friendship is like a fire also; it needs its wood to live. So how then can these to very different things come to be so closely intertwined? Easy. You have friends - you have depression.
A friendship of depression can’t last, although untold by popular belief. A fire can’t add wood to another fire. You can’t nurture a friendship; you can’t be there for the other person, when you’re in just as much need.
I understand this. In a time, to me, this concept would have gone unnoticed, except now after all this time, the over all affect of a friendship likes this is starting to take its toll.
This was different though. You need me/I needed you. It was so simple. But you never gave back. You tore my skin away to make yourself a blanket to protect you from the cold, when all along the cold…was inside you.
Can you hear the weeping. I’m a puddle on the floor. And you know, as soon as another resource came along, I was cast aside. When people keep pulling on every side of you, then all of a sudden let go…you go flying. So as you see I am far away from where I used to be, from who I used to be.
We as humans use up resources then move on, but what if…those resources where your friends. And they’re left…I’m left…to try and add wood to my own fire. I…I just can’t. Don’t you see, I can’t do it anymore. The fear, the incompetence, the lack of ability to remember to eat, these are symptoms I’ve had for so long. The sadness, the sleeping, and lack there of, the tears that have dried up…don’t you find it weird I don’t talk to you anymore? Do you even care?
You know I didn’t run from you, I walked away and it hurt more to see….that you didn’t try to stop me.

Comments (1) | Permalink

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

I don't care if it sux it means something to me!!!!!!!!
She lies there
So lifeless in this pink room
It feels so cold although the heat is on
She hasn’t moved
Maybe she’ll never move
The frosted plastic “wall”
Hides her naked body
It smells fresh…like soap
Not hospital smell
No
Something calming, soothing
A nice spring day
The water was still warm when we found her
Her body still covered with white
Her head just out of reach of her assuming death
The blood red water since has been drained
Her soul and body gone, buried somewhere
But the little pink bathtub
In the little pink room
Still reeks of havoc
The cause of this pain
The havoc of a life shut away
Inside the corpse of a girl
This room still holds memories
Of a girl with brown curls
Comments (1) | Permalink

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

tuesday night
She’s given up tears
After learning of the dark solitude
She sees no point for meaningless emotion
What good has emotion ever done?
It brings back fear and anger to a rape victim
Keeps a suicide attempt scared in minds
She’s learned all this over time
She’s learned to act out her part in the meaningless charade
People who have no power watch her
They notice the tears and broken soul
No one else sees the scars
Without emotion she gave up a solution to a problem that need fixing
Without emotion the simple thing in life lost focus
The quick adrenalin rush from her seeping blood
Without emotion she lost the one person who listened, comforted,
Helped when she cried
She gave up emotion to free herself
She gave up emotion and instead lost herself

Comments (0) | Permalink

well me, starfish, nicky, and annalisa, were talking about killing people and I'm like oh ya I could kill someone if it was for money you know hold the gun to there foreheads and pull the trigure and shes like really could you kill me and I just stared at her with my head cocked to the side just staring and nickey was watching me and then he's like no carolyn stop that or something cause I guess I looked scary or something and then my eyes started to water and I felt like i was going to start crying and I don't know why.
Comments (1) | Permalink

Saturday, January 7, 2006

1:58 am---saturday---
To cry once more
To end the heart ach
To ease the screams
This I wish
To unleash the emotion
That plagues my soul
To feel you here
Never more
To tell the truth
To show the world
To let people know
I’ve died in turn
To kill the fear
That tortures my core
So deep inside
Never more
To rip my skin
To fly free
This is all I want
To hold you near
To keep you safe
These dreams I’ll store
Inside my heart
Never more
Comments (3) | Permalink

Thursday, January 5, 2006

I wrote this late last night
There’s this place
Deep down
Where it’s dark
And I know in the background
There are eyes
I just can’t see them
In this hole
I feel hands above me
But when I reach up
There’s no one there
Under my feet is broken glass
I killed the light when I fell in
I’m screaming
Loudly
No one listens
Yet I know they can hear me
I’m just a child
So scared of what’s out there
I’ll crawl under my covers
And hide quietly there
There’s this dark I’m absolved in
I can’t get away
Yet it keeps getting darker
But the eyes in my mind wont leave
Comments (0) | Permalink

Monday, January 2, 2006

I walked into your room
So many memories
Why had you said go away?
Why had I listened?

I should have noticed when you began to fall

I wish I could have sewn your world up
Repaired the holes where your fist made it break
What good is a friend when there not here at the end?
What good am I when I couldn’t see through your lies?

I’m wound up now
As I look through your drawers
I know there’s something here
…There’s gotta be
You have to explain to me
Why you did what you did

I wish I could have sewn your world up
Repaired the holes where your fist made it break
What good is a friend when there not here at the end?
What good am I when I couldn’t see through your lies?

I’m falling in your eyes
But it’s just a picture
I’m drowning in your smile
But it’s fake and pasted on
I’m rapped up in your stories
Believing all your lies
I’ve fucked up everything
But you’ve crossed the line

What good is a friend when there not here at the end?
What good am I when I couldn’t see through your lies?

Do you want me to say that I love you?
That I need you now that you’re gone?
Do you want me to jump out a window,
Only to follow you down to the ground?
I’ll say that I care; that sometimes I want you near
But I wont admit to my self that your all my heart hears
I wont shout out your name and feel it bounce of the walls
I’ve lost everything once along time ago
And this time around…it’s not worth the fall

What good was I when all I told you was lies?
What good was I as a friend when I was the one…
…Who brought you the end?
Comments (1) | Permalink