Sunday, December 25, 2005

Sadley this is my christmas poem this is what I wrote on christmas night I really like it though...titleless

Child
So broken
Whisper silently
Her prayers
Memories trifled
Forgotten dreams
Loudly screaming
Shouting
Crying
Child so sorry
These hopes and dreams shattered
I apologize
Though it not be my fault
The blame is taken
Child Shhhhh
I’ve grown up
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Saturday, December 24, 2005

When the world hurts you
Don’t worry your really alone
When the tears start coming
Don’t worry you are on your own
When everything starts spinning
Don’t worry no ones there to stop the fall
When the end is coming near
Don’t worry you’ll get there single-handedly
When you drag the blade across
Don’t worry no one will save you
When your lying there dead
Don’t worry no one will find you
When your sprit descends to a place
Don’t worry no one will be waiting
When you look down at the people
Don’t worry no one will remember you
When you sit back and think of your life
Don’t worry, because you’ll realize
You pushed them all away

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Thursday, December 22, 2005

10:45 am-math class
I’m arguing with myself again. Its not easy I don’t know if I’m fucked. Am I fucked? Am I just looking for attention? No. I don’t really tell anyone any more. Maybe sometimes when I can’t stop. I say it all with a bitter laugh.

Why am I falling apart worst off know? Every other year I still finished my work. I still handed everything in. My last year and I can’t bring myself to open my math book and follow along. I listen to the teacher and that takes so much effort that I become so tired, so tired.

I can’t stay on one topic one minute I’m tired from listening to the teacher know I’m freaking out. I have a medieval feast in history, I get to dress up as the princess, but the thought is making it hard to breathe. I’ve waited since school started to wear one of those beautiful dresses, to pretend your all high and mighty . I’ve waited so long…and now not a second after I’ve written this I already can’t wait. Now I’m excited, this will be fun.
Oh but what about math because as I’ve been writing this and freaking out I’m missing the lesson. Now I’m terrified I’ll fail the year. Carolyn how can you pass if your not paying attention. And a voice answers, “You don’t have the energy? You have the feast next. Your poem is a semi-finalist in a contest. What the fuck is the matter with you?”

Nothing, but maybe just maybe I do have a problem. And this is the constant argument. Do I have a problem or not?

11:21 pm-Home
I read this, the thing above, and I say to my self this isn’t real. I must be making it up. I must have just thought I felt like that. But I know I do know that the whole crazy fight that constantly goes on in my mind was real. ITS DRIVING ME CRAZY. This constant wonder as to whether I am sane or not.
I am a conspiracy, a plot, a scheme. Someone wanted to making a living joke. An endless paradox, an endless supply of oxymoron. I contradict myself in every way. I don’t believe in anything because I believe it the opposite. I’m a relentless war of itself, someone who fights more on the inside then the outside. I have two very opposite sides. I am a coin, heads and tails, dark and light, day and night, and yet I am the same.
…I’ve lost my train of thought…

11:44pm-still here
Best friend Definition: Best Friends are very special people in your life. They are the first people you think about when you make plans. They are the first people you go to when you need someone to talk to. You will phone them up just to talk about nothing, or the most important things in your life. When you’re sad they will try their hardest to cheer you up. They give the best hugs in the world! They are the shoulder to cry on, because you know that they truly care about you. In most cases they would take a bullet for you, coz it would be too painful to watch you get hurt.
BULL SHIT. In I feel like I’ve lost both of them.
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Tuesday, December 20, 2005

10:05: YAAY MY POEM IS A SEMI-FINALIST IN A CONTEST
I FEEL SO FREAKING HAPPY

11:13-How sad is it to say that I'm back to the numb feeling, not the screaming out loud pain I've felt all day but the numb feeling I get as I have my transition to that painful feeling
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Saturday, December 17, 2005

I feel like I'm loosing everything.
Last night sarah told me something, and it hurt me so much to find out that it had happened weeks ago and she was only telling me then. So I got upset, I mean everything else in my life is falling apart why not my friendships. Its just it was an important thing and she didn't tell me. Then she couldn't understand why I wouldn't talk to her, so she says she didn't tell me because she knew I would react like this which doesn't make scence b/c I reacted like this b/c she didn't tell me. So why did she think I would get mad in the first place. WHAT THE FUCK? Life just keeps on killing me, taking away the only things still holding me together. Then chels just jokes around with sarah about the whole issue, right in front of me. AWE thanks guys, which only seemed to hurt me more. So I am just a big fucking ball of hurt.
Sarah has done stupid things in the past but this one really really hurt me......
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Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Fairy tales are dead
They froze along time ago
And in their place
Nothing seems to stand

Stories of true love
A knight standing tall
There all washed up
Stories made of lies

Days with long dress
Centuries of forests wild
Rain so young and pure
Hope the only truth

Dreadful things
Happy things
Songs addressed to royalty
Its all dead

Words running down a page
A dress raged at the ends
A knight killed on his sward
Fairly tales are no more
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Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Broke Up
December 7-Started dating
December 13-Broke up

Definitely the shortest relationship I've had.
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Monday, December 12, 2005

Titleless
So deprived
Murdered
Broken
So sorry
I apologize
Things have ended
I’m dieing
So death
Along comes my life
And in your grasp it sings
So alone
Dark moon
Crying silently in fear
This is my story
Its ending
The beginning of horrible thoughts
So young
I’ve come
The murderous rage
Raining like dewy glass
Sharp pain
Tight gasp
With a crazy laugh
Deaths gone
I’m gone
The moon disappears
The night finish’s my song
Ending on the note my soul loved
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Thursday, December 8, 2005

What the fucks the matter with me? I've just started dating her yesterday and I already don't think theres a point and that its all bull shit. Fuck I don't want to be like this, I don't want to fucking run. FUCK FUCK FUCK. I want to drink, slash my wrist's, and starve myself. FUCK. Why? Why can't I fucking be happy? Why am I fucking like this? I just want to feel loved thats it and yet I don't feel it at all. Are relationships just illusions of what our hearts desire? Fuck.
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Well I'm dating someone EEEKKK :) Shes awesome :) Kisses

I'm thinking of going to talk to one of our counselors, I need some help and I'd rather get it when I don't have to pay for it, well that and the fact that its starting to affect my school work. I'm failing 5 subjects sadly Fuck.
Should I talk to someone?
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