Thursday, December 22, 2005

10:45 am-math class
I’m arguing with myself again. Its not easy I don’t know if I’m fucked. Am I fucked? Am I just looking for attention? No. I don’t really tell anyone any more. Maybe sometimes when I can’t stop. I say it all with a bitter laugh.

Why am I falling apart worst off know? Every other year I still finished my work. I still handed everything in. My last year and I can’t bring myself to open my math book and follow along. I listen to the teacher and that takes so much effort that I become so tired, so tired.

I can’t stay on one topic one minute I’m tired from listening to the teacher know I’m freaking out. I have a medieval feast in history, I get to dress up as the princess, but the thought is making it hard to breathe. I’ve waited since school started to wear one of those beautiful dresses, to pretend your all high and mighty . I’ve waited so long…and now not a second after I’ve written this I already can’t wait. Now I’m excited, this will be fun.
Oh but what about math because as I’ve been writing this and freaking out I’m missing the lesson. Now I’m terrified I’ll fail the year. Carolyn how can you pass if your not paying attention. And a voice answers, “You don’t have the energy? You have the feast next. Your poem is a semi-finalist in a contest. What the fuck is the matter with you?”

Nothing, but maybe just maybe I do have a problem. And this is the constant argument. Do I have a problem or not?

11:21 pm-Home
I read this, the thing above, and I say to my self this isn’t real. I must be making it up. I must have just thought I felt like that. But I know I do know that the whole crazy fight that constantly goes on in my mind was real. ITS DRIVING ME CRAZY. This constant wonder as to whether I am sane or not.
I am a conspiracy, a plot, a scheme. Someone wanted to making a living joke. An endless paradox, an endless supply of oxymoron. I contradict myself in every way. I don’t believe in anything because I believe it the opposite. I’m a relentless war of itself, someone who fights more on the inside then the outside. I have two very opposite sides. I am a coin, heads and tails, dark and light, day and night, and yet I am the same.
…I’ve lost my train of thought…

11:44pm-still here
Best friend Definition: Best Friends are very special people in your life. They are the first people you think about when you make plans. They are the first people you go to when you need someone to talk to. You will phone them up just to talk about nothing, or the most important things in your life. When you’re sad they will try their hardest to cheer you up. They give the best hugs in the world! They are the shoulder to cry on, because you know that they truly care about you. In most cases they would take a bullet for you, coz it would be too painful to watch you get hurt.
BULL SHIT. In I feel like I’ve lost both of them.
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