Monday, April 30, 2007

Rewinding to Buy Time

Greetings dear friends and fellow constituents. I hope all is well. Let's get down to business shall we? I am currently writing the finale to my long traveled epic, "What Dreams May Come". However, I still need to post like a good little boy. At least more often than once a week as pointed out to me by my dear friend, Edge. So, in an effort to keep your pallets moistened for the big finale, I want to re-release an old story of mine a segment at a time. I wrote this a little over a year ago, when I first came to The O and is one of my favorites. I hope it becomes one of yours. Here's part one. A Prelude to a Kiss Cold and wet. That's the best way to explain this day. Walking home in the rain and wind is the just the perfect ending to a perfect day. Don't you love how sarcasm comes in many forms? This is just one. As I walk home, I think to myself how much worse this day could get. Then it hits me. No, not anything profound or enlightening. Just a huge wave of rain water kicked up by a passing truck. A garbage truck. Welcome to what was my day. The planets weren't lined up right; Hell wasn't serving up rocket pops or banana splits. No, no; that would be an act of madness. Did I get a damn thing right today? Not on your life. Allow me to explain this culmination of extremely unfortunate and irritating events. Top O' the Morning Well, to start things off, I took a cold shower. I don't like cold showers. The knob had come off in my hand while adjusting the temperature. I thought, well, I've got to shower. I did. It was cold. I was not amused; clean, but definitely not amused. Brushing my teeth was no small task either. I was completely out of my toothpaste. I had only one choice. That was to use my little sister’s Barbie sparkle toothpaste. Again, not amused. After rinsing all of the glitter and bubble gum taste out of my mouth, I proceeded to my room to finish getting dressed. Much to my dismay, the only uniform pants I had to wear happened to be the one pair that fit a bit too tightly. It was too late to find an alternate solution, so I put them on. As I reached for my shirt in the dark, I felt something wet on my shirt pocket. I had left my lucky pen in my shirt pocket and it had begun to leak; a lot. Glancing at the clock, I had just a few minutes to finish getting dressed, grab my books and bolt for the bus. That is, if the bus was picking me up at twelve a.m. As if my morning couldn't suck anymore, my clock was flashing 12 am and had been since the last time I saw it. I grabbed my watch and looked. Instead of having ten minutes to go, I was ten minutes late. It was at this time that I came to the realization that I would be walking to school in the most ill-fitting of pants, a shirt with a blue ink stain and now my uniform coat wouldn't zip. I thought to myself, this couldn't possibly get worse. I should stop thinking that. Just in Time I was sweating and breathing heavily. My back pack weighed a metric ton and the strap was straining under the load. I had run about a third of the way to school, when the other strap broke. Fortunately, nothing fell out of my bag. Thanks to my zipper jamming on me when I closed my bag upon leaving the house. Oh yah, I was really looking forward to this day continuing. I made it in to class just as the bell rang. Upon reaching my desk, the remaining strap on my back pack gave way and fell from my back making a loud smack as it hit the ground. My zipper then decided to join in the fun and break open, releasing the contents of my bag onto the floor. Laughter and applause erupted as the catastrophe unfolded before my class mates. I was mortified. I was humiliated. I knelt down to pick up my school swag, when I noticed a pair of long, fair skinned, smooth as a baby's but, legs appear in front of me. I looked up and noticed that heaven was short one angel. It was her, the girl of my dreams. The girl I've had a crush on since the third grade when she pushed me off the monkey bars at recess. Oh, how love had smote me with its arrow. My face blushed a bit. Can I help you with that? Gah! She spoke to me. What should I do what should I say? Uh, o...okay. She knelt down and began picking up my books and papers from the floor. Any creature this beautiful shouldn't have to lift a delicate finger to help me. Oh, you unworthy swine. How dare you subject this fair maiden to such a request as this? Here ya go. I took the last bit of papers from her and set them on my desk. I turned to thank her and bumped her hand, knocking her pencil to the floor. Thinking chivalrous, I offered to pick it up for her to return the favor. It was then that my ill-fitting pants betrayed me in the worst possible way. I knelt to the floor in pursuit of her pencil when, as if in some horrible, slow-motion nightmare. The seem in my pants ripped exposing a three inch gash in the rear. Words could not describe the intense feeling of embarrassment. With red flushed cheeks, I handed the pencil back to her. With an equally red face she thanked me awkwardly and moved back to her seat. Me, I just sank into mine amidst the ever increasing laughter. Come one, come all, I thought. To the greatest show on earth. Here, now, the incredible shrinking boy. I was dying and it wasn't even eight- thirty yet.

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