Sunday, October 21, 2007

Yesterday was the most terrifying day of my life. So, you all know how my mom was in the hospital? Well, my grandma, grandpa, and I went to visit her, but when we got there they said she left. She signed herself out, they let her go because she threatened to sue them. So, she got home, and she was still agitated and everything. Then she was talking on the phone and saying how she was going to slit her throat. I called 911, and they came and got her. Then we went to visit her at the hospital, and they were discharging her. Well, she seemed fine in the car. My grandma dropped us off, and we got in the house and my grandpa was there. She was fine. Then she called her boyfriend, and she got angry. She said she was going to go for a ride, but neither of us would let her go. My grandpa had her car keys, and the two of them were wrestling over them, and I jumped on my mom's back, and was trying to get her to stop. Then she grabbed his hand and she was like, "If you don't give me them I'll break your hand." So, my grandpa and I both started crying. She started whaling on my grandpa. Punching him in the face. I was inches away from her face screaming at her at the top of my lungs, and she pushed me away. She continued to hit my grandpa. So, I ran down to my friend Ariel's house and asked them to call 911. When I came back she was choking my grandpa on the couch, and I grabbed her and tried getting her off. I kept hugging her and saying, "I want my mommy back. What happened to you?" And she pushed me away again. Then she tried smothering my grandpa with a sheet to get the car keys. My grandpa ran down the hallway and out the door. Then my mom ran into the kitchen, and I screamed. I knew immediately she was going to do something worse. She got these meat skewers, three of them. I ran after her, jumped on her back, and she dropped one of them, and my grandpa was trying to keep the door shut, but then she got it open. She ran out and choked him, and thank god Ariel's mom was there. She grabbed one hand, and I grabbed the other. Finally the police came and they took her away in handcuffs. She looked at my grandpa with the most hate in her eyes and said, "You're dead to me." Then she looked at me and said in a cheery voice, "I love you though, Brittany." I just started bawling. I couldn't believe it. We were only trying to keep her safe. She was going to hurt herself, or someone else. So, we were trying to keep her there. She's in the state hospital now. They won't release her from there, so that's good. She needs help. She can't be in contact with me or my grandpa for four days. My grandpa has big bruises on both his arms, and scratches all along his face. She bit his hand and took a chunk of skin. Anyway, this weekend has been the worst weekend ever. I was crying through the whole thing. I even wrote on the wall, "I love you mom" and "DON'T DO ANYTHING!" on the book case, and I wrote her note, and there was tear smudges on it. I didn't want her to kill herself, if they didn't admit her to the hospital and she had to go home.

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Saturday, October 20, 2007

   It's my fault.

My mom tried killing herself yesterday.. She took over 100 pills, and she cut herself. See, when I got home yesterday she wasn't there. I thought nothing of it, because lately she's gone shopping a lot. So, I got home talked to Emily, and then I went to lay down to take a nap. The phone kept ringing, and I didn't bother to answer it. Then I heard my dad call, and I decided to go and pick the phone up. I listened to the messages, and there was one from a nurse from the hospital. She just said to call, and I was confused. Then my mom left a message saying, "Brittany, I'm at CMC call me." Only in a really groggy voice. I still didn't know what was going on. So, I called the hospital, and the nurse was like, "She wants to know if you want to come to the hospital or stay home." *Still confused* I asked why she was there, and she was like, "She took some pills, and she doesn't remember how many." *Still oblivious* I called my grandpa, and he came and picked me up and brought me to the ER. We had to wait FOREVER to see her. Then finally we did. I still couldn't figure out what was wrong. But then I asked her if she took the pills on purpose, or on accident. She told me that she took them on purpose, and that she cut herself. She cut herself to see what I get out of it. The only reason she got help was supposedly because she thought of me. I basically had to control her for the whole time I was there. She has a really bad temper, and with taking all those pills it didn't help much. So, I had to like tell her to lay down, and to go to sleep. She listens to me. *Sigh* I can't believe she did that. She was going to leave me. I didn't cry when I was there.. But, when I got home I was crying, I bitched at my grandpa too. Only because he's so annoying, and needy. He can't do anything. I really don't want to handle this.. I so don't. I need my mom. I can't live without her.. It's all my fault though. If I hadn't been doing all the stuff I was doing she probably wouldn't have done that. I have to do her laundry, and then bring it to her. I'm so tired right now. I just want to sleep, and with my grandpa here I won't be able to do that. He's annoying me so much. *Sigh* I miss her so much. She's going to be in the hospital for a while. My grandpa won't even help me. He's too retarded to do it. I can't fucking do it all by my damn self. UGH! THIS IS TOO MUCH! Don't get me wrong. I appreciate everything he's done, but I'm fucking 15 years old, and I can only handle so much. He's 72, and he's her father. He's capable of doing things. I'm just so tired. I can't even do all this. It's too hard. I was just in her room looking for clothes, and a ton of her pill bottles went all over. All I could say was "Fuck." I can't look at pill bottles. *Cries* Ah.. I'm pathetic.

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Friday, October 19, 2007

   YES!

Okay.. So, as of period H, being my last class, my day has turned into the most fucking awesomest day in the world. First off Ali talked to me. SECOND EMILY IS GONNA TALK TO MEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! Fuck yes! I'm so damn happy!!! Ha, I know something is gonna bum me out. I'm just waiting for it. In the mean time, I'm gonna savor all this. *does a dance* I'M SO HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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   So tired..

There's a football game tonight, and because I'm in color guard I have to be there to be in the half time show. My dad said he'd go. I haven't seen him for about maybe over a year. He always tells me he'll go to one of my things and he never does. So, I stopped asking him to go to my events, to save myself from disappointment. Only this time I asked.. He better not disappoint me. Otherwise I'm going to be so pissed, and upset. I think he can manage to take a break from the pot, and beer for one night. Then my mom's friend's son is going to be there too. He's 16, and we used to be best friends when we were younger. Of course we didn't get along much, but we were still friends. I haven't seen him in forever, and I could hear him talking to my mom on the phone, and he sounds so weird!! His voice has matured so much. It's creepy. My mom was on the phone with him for like an hour.. Kinda weird... I took to noticing that all the leaves have changed color. The trees look so beautiful. There's this lake called Massabesic Lake, and it's in Aburn, New Hampshire. If you drive up one of the road's near the lake, you're up on a hill, and there's a beautiful scene of the lake, and the gorgeous, colorful, vibrant trees all around. I wished I had my camera. It would have been a beautiful picture. Despite my crummy mood, when I saw that when I was in the car, it just awed me. It was beautiful. I've decided to leave Emily alone. No point making her life a living hell. Doesn't mean I'm going to stop thinking about her though, or checking up on her. I'm just going to disappear, like she wants me to. I haven't heard from Brendon. I'm getting worried. I know he's okay.. I just know it, because he's Brendon.. My Brendon, and even if he's gone... He'll be with Mattie.. Ah God. That sounds awful. This is all my fault. Anyway, you all have a great Friday. TGIF. xoxo Britty

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Thursday, October 18, 2007

I swear to God.. If Brendon did anything.. I will bring him back, and kill him myself. God damn it. It's happening again. I wasn't there for Mattie, and I could have helped him, and I wasn't there for Brendon.. I'm just hoping he didn't do anything stupid. He's my boy. The only one I had left.. He can't take himself away from me. *Sigh* I just hope he's all right.. Brendon if you're reading this, please PM me. Please let me know you're okay. I saw my counselor today. I might have to be hospitalized. She said the path I'm going down is just going to end up with me dying. And, I don't care..

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Wednesday, October 17, 2007

It's late to be posting, but I don't care. I didn't go to school today because I was so depressed. Like, beyond belief. So, I stayed in bed all day. If I don't go to school tomorrow the truancy officer is going to bring me. All thanks to my mother. I've only missed four days, that's within the amount we're allowed to miss. But, I plan on going tomorrow anyway. Even though I don't want to. I got blood on the couch, I hope my mom doesn't notice. I'm so desperate to hurt myself that I took apart a razor you use to shave with. *Sigh* My mom almost put me in the hospital yesterday I think it was, or the other day. I don't remember. But, I haven't been eating, and I've been cutting a lot more. So, she said that I need to be sent away to get straightened out. I'm feeling so fucking alone. No one fucking talks to me anymore, and if that's how people want to be, then so be it. I can't make them talk to me. It's not in my power. I'm still thinking about Emily, but it's not like she gives a shit. I'm trying to talk to Brendon, but he won't answer me. UGH! I GIVE UP! I FUCKING GIVE UP! If no one wants me around, then I fucking won't be. Okay?! Okay! *Sigh* Sorry.. I'm just sick of it. I'm sick of everyone's shit, and my own. I'm just going to go now. //x

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Monday, October 15, 2007

Emily's been on my mind. To be frank, I don't think she's ever going to be off my mind. I had a dream about her last night.. And, we were laying down on her bed, and I was laying on top of her, listening to her heart beat. I looked to her and said, "I love listening to your heart beat." She asked why and I said, "Because, that heart loves me, therefore I love it very much." And she smiled, and I pushed her shirt up and kissed her chest where her heart is and put my ear back to her heart, and listened. I wish it didn't have to end. *Sigh* I shouldn't be complaining. After all I brought this upon myself. I just wish I could have seen. She was the one all along. But my mind was so preoccupied, and I was so hurt that I didn't realize soon enough. Now.. I have nothing. Nothing at all. Just enemies. I have no way of getting her back. I screwed up, and that's, that. She wants nothing to do with me. But, I don't think I'm going to stop trying. Not unless I get so terribly week. I'm going to try to get her back. I just don't know how. I'm also going to start writing letters. One each day, to the people who play important roles in my life. Because I don't know when my day will be. But, I know it'll be soon. If things don't look up for me. My existence is over. She doesn't care.. So, maybe I shouldn't either. If only I could make myself not. But, she's something I want, and I don't want to let go. //x

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Sunday, October 14, 2007

There is no closure. Maybe for you, but not for me. I don't think there ever will be. And so, your presence will be on my mind. Because that'll be the only time I know that you love me, because it's my own fantasy. You won't be able to tell me that it's for my own good. Because in my fantasy being with you IS for my own good. You won't be able to reject me. And even though my fantasy isn't real, it's all I have left. All my empty heart has left. My fantasy future plans. And I'll still love you, and I'll always be here for you. If you need me, I'll take you in. If you want me, I'll have you in an instant. I'll keep you forever, and never repeat the mistakes that I made. I miss you already, and I'll miss you forever. For my fantasy future plans won't last forever. Not if there isn't a mind to keep those plans in. I love you Emily, that's true. ---------- And I'm sorry Ashli. I know you must hate me. Everyone hates me by now, and I don't blame anyone. I just didn't want to hurt you, and it wasn't fair that I was in love with someone, while being with you. So, Brendon.. Feel free to bitch at me. I deserve it. //x

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