Tuesday, December 21, 2004

I forgot to remember to forget
I'm not certain how to express what I've been thinking and feeling lately, but I've decided to make a post here about it because I don't know where else to go, really.

Earlier this evening I was talking with one of my friends and he noted that I didn't seem to be in a "happy-go-lucky" mood that he is used to being welcomed by online. He knows very well about the majority of the events that have occurred over the past few days and yet he stil said the sentence that I dread people will tell me everyday: You've got to move on.

Honestly, I've always hated when people said that. My friend's brother died when we were in eighth grade a few days after his birthday. He was eight, I believe. A few months later, a so-called friend of ours told her to get over it. You never get over the death of a family member; telling someone to do so is equivelent to telling them to forget they ever existed...in my mind, anyway. Telling someone to move on isn't quite as extreme, but it only happened a few days ago. It's still a fresh shock to my system.

I'm not a strong person. It doesn't take too much to drive me to tears or to make me angry, or even to make me laugh and smile. I've been told that I'm over-emotional but I don't care. At least I have emotions, that's what I've always told myself. However, when I fall into one of these slumps being the "overly-emotional" person that I am - it's very hard to get myself out of it.

I can't just "move on". He made it sound like all I had to do was flip a switch and suddenly I can see all the good things about the world. Right now I can acknowledge all the bad things so clearly. In fact, I've always been the sort of person who can see all the things that would make you cry, make you scared, make you angry. As much as I want to smile and count my blessings, it's hard.

Yes, I know that I should be thankful that I have my family and friends. But how can you tell me that I should move on because it wasn't them in the car? That it wasn't one of my parents who suffocated? How the bloody hell do you tell someone something like that? Every day I am thankful that I can wake up and my mother will be downstairs, my brothers will be watching TV, and my dad will be getting ready for work. Because they are all there with me. Because they are healthy and happy. But the fact of the matter is her family has been hurt, they lost someone they loved, and I did too.

I lost someone I considered to be an aunt. I did lose a family member. It's going to take me a while to completely recover and even then it will still hurt. Death isn't something to move on from in the flick of the wrist. Not when you are an over-emotional weirdo such as myself.

I'm done ranting. I just want to sleep now.
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Friday, December 17, 2004

HOPE is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all,
-Hope, Emily Dickenson

Time to wipe everything clear and start over with a nice clean, blank slate. If only life worked the same way. Delete a few memories and then continue moving forward as though they never happened. But if life were that simple, it wouldn't be worth living in the scheme of things, anyway.

They've really been cracking down on us at school lately. We had four exams yesterday, two of which were fairly easy, and every day they keep dumping more and more loads of homework upon us. Thankfully, only my European History teacher has given us homework over winter break, but he gave us quite a bit to do. There are about twenty discussion questions to write responses for on Chapter Eighteen: The Enlightenment from our textbook. Wow, thanks for the nice present, teach.

For a while, I was condsidering making a schedule of times that I could drop by my Journalism teacher's classroom over winter break to hang out and help plan the next issue of our school paper the "Tomohawk". However, after a few recent events I really don't feel like going back on campus any sooner than I have to. (Yeah, it has nothing to do with the fact that nobody has turned in any interviews to help us draw out a list of stories that we might consider publishing...)

Yesterday I learned two things that have completely ruined the Holidays for me and I do hope that the next year can turn around for the better. One thing that I learned was that my drama teacher from last year has decided to quit teaching at our school do to personal reasons. It's not so devastating, but I'm really going to miss her and I wish that I had a chance to be in the performances that she held this year. She has taught me many things, and I thank her kindly for have showing me the acting world.

Another issue is more tragic, however, I am not quite up to discussing it with anyone other than the few I have told about it already. In closing I'd like to say that we should all cherish life - the impact you can make on those you know and care about with can change them for better or for worse. Even when you are gone, that impact will still remain of this earth.

That's all for today, may your paths be green and golden ^_^
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