Tuesday, December 21, 2004

I forgot to remember to forget
I'm not certain how to express what I've been thinking and feeling lately, but I've decided to make a post here about it because I don't know where else to go, really.

Earlier this evening I was talking with one of my friends and he noted that I didn't seem to be in a "happy-go-lucky" mood that he is used to being welcomed by online. He knows very well about the majority of the events that have occurred over the past few days and yet he stil said the sentence that I dread people will tell me everyday: You've got to move on.

Honestly, I've always hated when people said that. My friend's brother died when we were in eighth grade a few days after his birthday. He was eight, I believe. A few months later, a so-called friend of ours told her to get over it. You never get over the death of a family member; telling someone to do so is equivelent to telling them to forget they ever existed...in my mind, anyway. Telling someone to move on isn't quite as extreme, but it only happened a few days ago. It's still a fresh shock to my system.

I'm not a strong person. It doesn't take too much to drive me to tears or to make me angry, or even to make me laugh and smile. I've been told that I'm over-emotional but I don't care. At least I have emotions, that's what I've always told myself. However, when I fall into one of these slumps being the "overly-emotional" person that I am - it's very hard to get myself out of it.

I can't just "move on". He made it sound like all I had to do was flip a switch and suddenly I can see all the good things about the world. Right now I can acknowledge all the bad things so clearly. In fact, I've always been the sort of person who can see all the things that would make you cry, make you scared, make you angry. As much as I want to smile and count my blessings, it's hard.

Yes, I know that I should be thankful that I have my family and friends. But how can you tell me that I should move on because it wasn't them in the car? That it wasn't one of my parents who suffocated? How the bloody hell do you tell someone something like that? Every day I am thankful that I can wake up and my mother will be downstairs, my brothers will be watching TV, and my dad will be getting ready for work. Because they are all there with me. Because they are healthy and happy. But the fact of the matter is her family has been hurt, they lost someone they loved, and I did too.

I lost someone I considered to be an aunt. I did lose a family member. It's going to take me a while to completely recover and even then it will still hurt. Death isn't something to move on from in the flick of the wrist. Not when you are an over-emotional weirdo such as myself.

I'm done ranting. I just want to sleep now.
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