Monday, July 9, 2007

Post Time: 12:37 am

1. Well I got to tell Lance everything that I needed and wanted to say to him. And that was good, because we both got some things off our chests. And the air between us was wonderful, until this weekend hit.

PS- He also bought me some really pretty red flowers. I liked them a lot.

2. This weekend has been such a mess. I don't even know where to begin.

Well lets see.

This is how it all started. My brother smarted off to me, and just kept pushing my buttons, and so I just lost it and got really pissed off and spit in his face. I didn't even realize what I did, until after I did it. I went into my room and locked the door, which he beat on and put a big ass crack in and threatened to slaughter my cat.

Yes, my brother is a fucking pyscho.

He gets pissed off because of what I did, that when my mom comes home from Home Depot/Lowes he tells her that a "friend of his" told him that I spent the night at Lance's one night.

So this weekend I've been put on trial about spending the night at Lance's. And of course I had to deny it all. And my mom is all like "Well if you've been spending the night with him, that must mean you've been sleeping with him too." Sleeping as in having sex with him. And it's just been hell this weekend. And because of all the stress I've been put under with my mother, every time Lance and I talked this weekend, we'd end up arguing. And we both hate doing that. But sunday was a little better, because I was away from my house, and when I was on the phone with Lance we weren't fighting. But the way he was talking was scarring me. He was saying "Well your mama wants us to break up and you might eventually give in to what she wants." And this weekend, everytime we talked he was always talking about breaking up with me, or what if we broke up. I don't think I've ever cried so much in my entire life.

But I talked to his last night, and we smoothed things over, and hopefully things will be better from here.

3. I got a lot of work done on my computer this week. A ton of set backs but I'm almost done reloading all my stuff, and getting it back to the way that I had it.

4. The new quarter starts today. And doesn't end until September. So I'll be staying pretty busy. I'll be taking a english and math, and then this "interpersonal relationships" class. It basically teaches you how to deal with people you don't like. But I already know how to do that. Its called IGNORE THEM. But then again, not everyone can be that smart. And most college classes are retarded and only there to waste your time and zap you in the wallet. Oh well.

5. After this weekend I am dead set on moving out ASAP. I just can't stand to be in this house anymore.

I think my mom has a split personality.
My brother is pyscho, controlling, and tries to bark orders at me like he's my dad.
My dad is perfect. I love him so much.

Everyone keeps telling me "Just hang in there kid." But just hanging in there, isn't doing me jack shit. And just from all the stress of this weekend, I have gain a fever blister on my lip, and a small breakout of acne. And everyone wonders why I freak out over stress??? Why??? Because it shows! Literally!

Living on my own opens a lot of oppurtunities and obstacles. I would be so happy you wouldn't believe it.

Yesterday, it was pouring down raining, and I looked out the window, and said to myself "There is so much freedom out there, and I don't have any of it."

I believe I long for freedom more than anything. I never did like being told what to do, I don't take orders very well.

But yeah, as soon as I get my drivers liscense back at the end of the month (the suspension ends then) I'm gonna go job hunting to get me the best job possible so that I can get a lot of money in a short amount of time, so that I can move out.

Anyone wanna be my roomie?
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Wednesday, July 4, 2007

Post Time: 12:09 am

1. Currently reloading Windows XP onto my main desktop computer. I've been doing stages of sweeps on it to get to back to brand new. So that maybe it won't act like a piece of shit that I know it can be.

2. Currently addicted to Coldplay's "Fix you" song. Oh how it makes me think. I reminds me of Lance so much. With the problems we've had, and the things that have happened. It makes it seem like no matter how bad things get, we can always make it better. Its so cheesy, but it kinda gives me hope.

3. Why must I sneak off to spend the night with Lance??? You say "You're 18 right? You can make your own decisions."

Hahaha, I wish. I still live under my parents rules, cause I live in their house. When I spend the night with my friends, I have to tell my parents that the boys sleep in another part of the house that we're at, cause if I didn't, I wouldn't be allowed to go. My parents are under the belief that you never sleep in the same room, or for that matter the same bed as someone of the opposite sex unless you are married to that person.

Well I don't have the money to move out on my own yet, and if they found out that I've been spending the night with Lance, I'd be kicked out the house with basically no where to go.

Don't want to move in with Lance. He lives with his dad, and I don't think his dad would care, but I still wouldn't want to be that kind of a burden.

Couldn't stay with Edge-san. He sister hates me, and our friendship isn't what it used to be. I used to be able to count on him for anything, now I can't rely on him for anything.

Monika, Catherine, Billie, and others. Couldn't stay with them either.

I'd have a better chance to walk to Cooper Creek Park and sleep on a bench covered in newspaper, lol.

4. Well Happy 4th of July everyone.

Later today, I'll be going out with Lance, and yes, I'll be spending the night with him again. We've hit a little bump in our road this past weekend. I already kinda touched base on that. But tomorrow, I have some closing statements that I need to say to him. And after the last word is spoken, we'll never speak of it again. I'll be over what he did, and I'll give him a clean slate to start over again on. And hopefully this time, he'll do good. And hopefully when he does bad, he'll tell me about it, instead of hiding it from me like last time.

I just need to find the courage and the strength to stay it all to him. I keep going over what I need and what I want to say to him in my head, but when he's sitting across from me, staring back at me, will I freeze up, or will I tell him what I need to say? Oh how I hope I'll have the courage to say it to him. Because it truly is needed to be heard by him. I've already told him that I have something I need to say to him, and that I was gonna wait til we were together to say it. And he said ok.

Somebody please lend me your strength....
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Monday, July 2, 2007

1. I spent saturday with Lance. I snuck out the house and jumped in that camaro of his and we took off. I only sneak around like that on nights when I spend the night with Lance. Well we were gonna go to the fireworks show in Ft. Benning, but it was cancelled because of a severe thunderstorm warning. So instead we went to the groccery store and got stuff for dinner, and then rented this movie called "Dead Silence." It was really good. But Lance couldn't keep his hands off me yesterday. I was wearing a mini skirt, and if you know me well, I only wear pants. But I went shopping the other day and decided to get a couple of low cut sexy tops and the skirt. I also got hairclips that Orihime wears and a new studded belt. But yeah, I wore that all day on saturday, the skirt and a black low cut top that is. When we went to the groccery store everyone was starring at me. I was like wow. But I knew why. Sexy girl half naked, lol. But the attention was nice. All the guys were looking at me, and seeing me with Lance, and we were just eating it up. They were all pissed off that I was with some guy. The movie Dead Silence was pretty good. Really freaky at times though. Watching Lance wig out was pretty funny on certain parts. But yeah, after that we just laid around and watched tv. Earlier in the day, Lance told me some things that he has done behind my back (nothing like cheating, but still enough to tick me off). I basically told him if he ever did it again, I'd leave him, no matter how much I love it. I won't put up with anything like that. I just won't. But he was afraid how I'd react if he told me, so that's why he never did. He told me that his biggest fear is being without me. I told him if he wants me to stay, then to not give me a reason to leave. But after that, we fell asleep in his room. Funny thing is, I was with him the whole night, and all I could do was dream of him. One part in my dream I said "I don't want to lose you" and since I sometimes talk in my sleep, I said that outloud and woke up for a minute. He rolled over, kissed me on the forehead and said "You never will." That was really sweet. It almost made me want to cry.

Well that's all I can say for now. I'll tell you more another day. Sorry some areas of this post are a little patchy, but my mom is wanting to use the laptop. I'll go into more detail next time.
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Friday, June 29, 2007

Post Time: 2:09 am

Lets begin...

1. Yesterday I turned in my work uniform for Orange Julius. Yup, I finally quit that god forsaken job. To put up with my whore of a manager, you'll have to pay me more than 5.35/hour. Luckily for me, I still have one more job. I guess for working there off and on again for about a year 25.65/hour isn't too bad. I just come home smelling like machine oil and black from all the dirt. I work in a machine foundery called Golden's. It isn't too bad once you get used to all the ex-cons and illegal mexicans, lol. My boss is pretty nice. His name is Andy, but I always fuck up and call him Woody (Like Woody and Andy from Toy Story).

2. I realized that I lost you all on a certain part of my post yesterday. The reoccurring thought that I can't get out my mind isn't something I feel that I can openly discuss. But since many of you are very good friends, and only want to help, I guess I can clear up the confusion on that subject. Lets begin...

My junior year of high school I was pretty heavy into partying. No drugs or anything, but just heavy drinking. Well the guy I was dating at the time, I would bring him to the parties. He would hang out with his friends and I would hang out with mine. Throughout the whole relationship, he would always be pressurring me into trying to have sex with him. But I wasn't ever going to do that. I was raised in the tradition that sex is to be saved for marriage. Well he never really cared for that fact. So he'd always be like "We can try it just once. It'll be ok. It'll be ok cause I love you." He was very possesive. He didn't like me to be around my guy friends, or anything like that. Well one day while we were out at a party, I was tipsy, and he was hammered to hell and back. He took me outside because he said he wanted to tell me something. I followed him outside to the curb outside the house. Everyone was inside partying still. He grabbed me by the shoulders and pushed me down to the ground, and yelled "Your mine! You'll always be mine!" He started trying to rip off my shirt and my skirt, to force himself onto me. But I caught him off guard and kneed him and took off.

But lately that memory has been coming back into play in my mind and I don't understand why. I understand that its in the past and I can't do anything about it. But why is it that thought keeps coming back? I'm over it, and I told Lance about it a long time ago. The only thing he was worried about was if he actually got "in me." But he never got that far, which is a really good thing. And he understands that I'm still a little sensitive on that subject, so he doesn't bring it up. But I'm afraid as to the reason I can't get it out of my mind. I dunno. I'll have to figure that out myself.

Well that's all for the moment. Cause I can't type this post and carry a conversation with my buddy Lee at the same time.
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Thursday, June 28, 2007

Post Time: 12:15 am

Hmm where to begin...

1. Well I've been doing some updating on my computer here lately. I'm gonna add more memory and do a clean sweep on it, so that it quits acting funny. And hopefully get my internet working again. A storm hit the other week, and since then, I've had no Xbox Live, and no internet on my computer. So I've been playing the shit out of DOA 4 and taking over the laptop.

2. Tavi, I'm currently working on your Riku layout that you requested. I sent you a PM requesting a few things that I need from you. When I get a response back from you on that issue, I'll be able to finish your layout.

3. Out of sheer boredom, I have created a few more layouts that you'll definately see here in the near future. Testing different layout ideas and designs. So yeah.

4. A reoccurring thought from my past doesn't seem to want to leave. Am I supposed to confront this issue? Or am I to be forever held at the mercy of one of the most frightening moments of my life? It feels like my mind is on the verge of breaking down (again). And I don't think I can handle another mental catastrophe. The sound of his voice rings through my ears. "Your mine, you'll always be mine!" The feel of the wet grass on my back. The sight of a large crowd. The thought of how to get away. And the puzzlement of why no one came over to help. Hmpf...If that didn't happen, I wouldn't have straigten out. I would still be partying every night, going to school with yet another hang over, and then do it all over again later that night. But since it did happen, I haven't partied in a long time, I'm more cautious of everyone I see, and those that I meet. I even put Lance through hell with my trust issues. Oh well, it happened. But what am I supposed to do to get that nightmare out my head???

5. Poor Lance, fate is not working for the better for him. Monday morning he found out that his friend Terry died. Terry was an older man, probably late 40's, early 50's. He was a retired fire fighter. Very nice man, liked to joke around a lot. Lance found out that he had died earlier in the week and had already been buried. Lance felt pretty guilty cause he hadn't gone out to visit him in awhile. The chain reaction of horrid events has definately begun for him. First his grandpa, now his friend. He told me he's afraid to find out who's next...

6. I've finally figured out what I want from a relationship. I believe this to be my first real relationship. I believe that all my other relationships were getting me ready for this one. But this is what I want:

- I want to be the girl he's afraid to lose.
- I want to be the one that he can never walk away from. For any reason at all.
- I want to be the one he can't live without. Not just the one that he can live with.

And maybe one day...
- I can be the one he wakes up next to every morning, and as he looks at me he says to himself "That's my wife. Mine and no one elses."

Is that really too much to ask for?

7. I sent Lance a text message last night saying (this is in reference to #5)

"I know I'm not a good girlfriend or anything, but I'll help where I know I can. And if you ever want to talk, I'll be here, and I'll listen."

When we talked this morning, he told me that I was a perfect girlfriend. And that he believes God put me with him to help keep him straight (as in out of trouble, not getting arrested and going back to drinking/drugs). He believes that God thought that I was just the girl to do that. That maybe for once, he would want to think about someone besides himself. To care for someone besides himself. Its funny how we both imagined a future before we got together. He always tells me "Till death do us part." Maybe this will last. I know that we have our ups and downs, but every relationship does, you know? I just want to be with him. Always and forever. I just hope that he'll always feel the same way.

8. This is a forward my friend Phylcia sent me earlier tonight.

"A little girl walks past her parents room, looks in the keyhole and says to herself "And this bitch gets mad cause I suck my thumb!!!"

I thought that was pretty funny. Its something that needs to be shared.
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Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Comment my stuff please. One Cospla, five fan arts, and two wallpapers.

Cosplay



Vash
Hosted By theOtaku.com.


Chibi Sasuke | Hosted By theOtaku.com.


Kira Kissing The Phone | Hosted By theOtaku.com.


Kenshin | Hosted By theOtaku.com.


Devil Girl | Hosted By theOtaku.com.


Hosted By theOtaku.com.


Hosted By theOtaku.com.
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Monday, June 11, 2007

1. Currently watching Queer Duck: The Movie

This is what the info says about it.

Jim J. Bullock, (2006), Full length adventures of the "intellectual, homosexual" waterfowl from the made-for-the-internet animated shorts and his pals Openly Gator, Bi-Polar Bear, and Oscar Wildcat.

It seems pretty funny so far. Though I did miss the first 30 minutes of it.

Gator's parents: Have you ever reared a child before?

Micheal Jackson: I have never been convicted.

2. Sunday was boring. All I did was scan my dad's book, and watch my brother ruin the second part of his birthday. The cake and gifts part. And then after that, he and my mom got into a fight over who was gonna watch what channel.

3. Reno (my mom's fat cat) was chewing the the USB cord to the laptop, and I pushed his mouth away from it, and he bit me! He cracked my nail. So I have a cracked fingernail from the cat, and a cracked toenail from the jet ski. There's blood trapt under my nail. So I'll have to heat up a safety pin and pierce the nail to break free the blood. And I have little to no sensation in my finger tip. Great.

Well that's all for now.
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Sunday, June 10, 2007

Hmmm...

1. Let's see. My brother ruined his own birthday. Because he's an asshole. How did it all start???

He wanted to take a shower once my mom got done with hers. He was in his room playing video games. Once my mom got down, he was still playing video games. So I took a long ass 5 minute shower!!! And he throws a hissy fit from hell. I get out and go downstairs and he's like "Fuck it, I'm not going to take a shower, and we're not going out to eat!" Well after 30 minutes of my mom yelling at him, he finally took his hour long shower. He always takes an hour long shower might I add. He gets done and we head off to the restraunt "Chilli's" which has an hour and a half wait. No one wanted to wait that long (it was already about 7:30 by the way) He was like "I had to wait, now you can wait like I had too." We ate at Carraba's. My brother being the ass that he is, didn't order anything except water (he hates water). My mom kept running out of the restraunt because she was pissed at my brother, and my grandpa would end up running after my mom. So basically, my dad and I were the only ones not bothered by the situation. So needless to say...We pigged out to no one's expense but our own. After that, we all left and went home.

Oh yeah. And if things work out for the better, he'll be getting kicked out. And if that happens, the house will be soooo peaceful. You have no idea.

2. Hopefully my dad's birthday (the 12th) will be better.

3. I changed my layout. Hope you all like it. Its so pink. I hate pink. But I like it in this layout.
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Saturday, June 9, 2007

Hmm, where to start.

1. Lance's grandfather (his father's stepdad) passed away on Memorial Day. The funeral was held that Wednesday.

2. I'm out of school for 4 more weeks. I still haven't registred for the new quarter. So I have to do a late registration.

3. I get my driver's liscense back July 21. It was suspensed for 6 months for excessive speeding. 60 in a 40 zone (3 points) and 91 in a 55 zone (6 points). I hate not being able to drive. Hopefully my mother will get off her high horse and pay the 600 dollars for my insurance.

4. I cracked my toe nail by smacking my foot on the bottom of Lance's jet ski the other day. I'm still convinced that he spun around in a million circles to try and knock me off for fun.

5. My brother's 18 year old cat, I believe, had a series of seizures over the weekend. When he walks, he now drags his back feet. And he's so skinny I can wrap my entire hand around his waist. I don't think he has that much longer.

6. I should have some fan art up soon. I finally got the scanner hooked up. Now I just need to find my drawing notebooks...

7. Lance drives me nuts some days, I swear! He tells me that if I got a nice tan, I would look oh so much better, and he wouldn't care if other guys hit on me. The other week, I get nice an tan, he wants to go to the grocercy store right up the road. I'm wearing jeans and a tank top. He tells me to wear one of his shirts so that I don't get hit on by other guys. He confuzzles me so much.

8. Men in general confuse me.

9. Today is my brother's birthday. He turns 23. But still acts like he's two.

10. A reoccuring dream (not a good one, but its not scary like a nightmare) keeps haunting me. Is it a peek into my future? Events to come? Or maybe I'm just going crazy.

11. Damn you Fileden for not letting me log in.

12. I need to change my layout one of these days.

13. I'm just too lazy too.

14. Kelly Clarkson looks like a freakin' stalker in her never again video.


I think that's enough for one day...
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Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Post Time:10:55


This is a poem that I wrote on May 8, 2006. Tis a bit old. But I just found it not that long ago, and I really like it. I think its one of my better ones.

-Paint Me A Picture-

Paint me a picture of the life I once knew.
Paint the birds and the trees, and especially me and you.

When you are done, is it dark or bright?
When you finish, is it day or night?

Is it something happy, is it something sad?
Does it makes you feel depressed or mad?

Did you remember all my hates and fears?
Did you remember all my lies and shed tears?

Paint me a picture of the only life I knew.
Paint the birds and the trees, and especially me and you.

When you are done, do you feel anything at all?
Considering you were the one to help me fall.

Do you remember instilling all my hates and fears?
Do you remember spreading those lies and seeing my tears?

Paint me a picture of the life I once knew.
Paint the birds and the trees, but not me and you.
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