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myOtaku.com: HardLuckWoman
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Wednesday, March 28, 2007
 Post Time: 12: 07 am
Bounded and Blinded
Well Lance and I got into an arguement. Over petty shit, as usual. After the fight, I try to apologize and make it up to him, and he acts like he wants nothing to do with me anymore. I asked him if he still wanted to be with me, and he was like "That's all on you." That pissed me off. I mean, he has a say and a part in this relationship as well. So don't put it all off on me. I won't force you to stay when you want to go. I got upset and starting crying. He called me and was trying me make me feel better, but everything that came out of his mouth, hurt me more and more. I feel like my heart is being torn into shreds, and he's the one watching and laughing. Some of the things he says, they hurt so bad. Why do I stay with him? I love him more than words can describe, but I shouldn't be degraded in the process, should I? Last night we got into a fight, I thought we had broke up, but he called (after me calling him 21 times) and said that we weren't. But I was so upset, so frustrated, I felt so small and alone. And to cure those feelings, I turned back to old habits. Yup, I started cutting myself again. I have cut marks all up and down my arm. I don't know why, but watching the blood flow, it numbed the pain in my heart. And the more I sliced into my skin, the more blood that flowed, the better I felt. Luckily I worked myself out of that, but after tonight, I want/feel the need to again. But Lance said that if he saw cut marks on me, that he'd call the bradley center on me (a psycho ward basically). And I don't want to go there. I'm not that crazy to belong in there. An ounce of peace is all I ask of you. He always asks what do I want. I want him. Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow. I want him. I want to marry him, and have a life with him, and have children, and grow old together. All I want is him. Because everything else I want, can come from him. I'm not asking too much am I? Maybe one day he'll look at me and see me the same way that I've always seen him. Nothing is built to last. Maybe this relationship isn't either. I feel so small and fading. Like I'm drowning in darkness. My voice is small and fading. He doesn't hear it anymore. Maybe one day my voice will reach him again. And maybe one day he'll believe me when I say I love him.
Well that's all for now. Later
When you step to the ledge of all the light you have left, and you take that first step into the darkness of the unknown, you might believe one of two things will happen. There will be something solid for you step upon, or you will learn how to fly.
~Unknown
Zeroing Out. . . .
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