Thursday, June 28, 2007

Post Time: 12:15 am

Hmm where to begin...

1. Well I've been doing some updating on my computer here lately. I'm gonna add more memory and do a clean sweep on it, so that it quits acting funny. And hopefully get my internet working again. A storm hit the other week, and since then, I've had no Xbox Live, and no internet on my computer. So I've been playing the shit out of DOA 4 and taking over the laptop.

2. Tavi, I'm currently working on your Riku layout that you requested. I sent you a PM requesting a few things that I need from you. When I get a response back from you on that issue, I'll be able to finish your layout.

3. Out of sheer boredom, I have created a few more layouts that you'll definately see here in the near future. Testing different layout ideas and designs. So yeah.

4. A reoccurring thought from my past doesn't seem to want to leave. Am I supposed to confront this issue? Or am I to be forever held at the mercy of one of the most frightening moments of my life? It feels like my mind is on the verge of breaking down (again). And I don't think I can handle another mental catastrophe. The sound of his voice rings through my ears. "Your mine, you'll always be mine!" The feel of the wet grass on my back. The sight of a large crowd. The thought of how to get away. And the puzzlement of why no one came over to help. Hmpf...If that didn't happen, I wouldn't have straigten out. I would still be partying every night, going to school with yet another hang over, and then do it all over again later that night. But since it did happen, I haven't partied in a long time, I'm more cautious of everyone I see, and those that I meet. I even put Lance through hell with my trust issues. Oh well, it happened. But what am I supposed to do to get that nightmare out my head???

5. Poor Lance, fate is not working for the better for him. Monday morning he found out that his friend Terry died. Terry was an older man, probably late 40's, early 50's. He was a retired fire fighter. Very nice man, liked to joke around a lot. Lance found out that he had died earlier in the week and had already been buried. Lance felt pretty guilty cause he hadn't gone out to visit him in awhile. The chain reaction of horrid events has definately begun for him. First his grandpa, now his friend. He told me he's afraid to find out who's next...

6. I've finally figured out what I want from a relationship. I believe this to be my first real relationship. I believe that all my other relationships were getting me ready for this one. But this is what I want:

- I want to be the girl he's afraid to lose.
- I want to be the one that he can never walk away from. For any reason at all.
- I want to be the one he can't live without. Not just the one that he can live with.

And maybe one day...
- I can be the one he wakes up next to every morning, and as he looks at me he says to himself "That's my wife. Mine and no one elses."

Is that really too much to ask for?

7. I sent Lance a text message last night saying (this is in reference to #5)

"I know I'm not a good girlfriend or anything, but I'll help where I know I can. And if you ever want to talk, I'll be here, and I'll listen."

When we talked this morning, he told me that I was a perfect girlfriend. And that he believes God put me with him to help keep him straight (as in out of trouble, not getting arrested and going back to drinking/drugs). He believes that God thought that I was just the girl to do that. That maybe for once, he would want to think about someone besides himself. To care for someone besides himself. Its funny how we both imagined a future before we got together. He always tells me "Till death do us part." Maybe this will last. I know that we have our ups and downs, but every relationship does, you know? I just want to be with him. Always and forever. I just hope that he'll always feel the same way.

8. This is a forward my friend Phylcia sent me earlier tonight.

"A little girl walks past her parents room, looks in the keyhole and says to herself "And this bitch gets mad cause I suck my thumb!!!"

I thought that was pretty funny. Its something that needs to be shared.
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