Wednesday, July 4, 2007

Post Time: 12:09 am

1. Currently reloading Windows XP onto my main desktop computer. I've been doing stages of sweeps on it to get to back to brand new. So that maybe it won't act like a piece of shit that I know it can be.

2. Currently addicted to Coldplay's "Fix you" song. Oh how it makes me think. I reminds me of Lance so much. With the problems we've had, and the things that have happened. It makes it seem like no matter how bad things get, we can always make it better. Its so cheesy, but it kinda gives me hope.

3. Why must I sneak off to spend the night with Lance??? You say "You're 18 right? You can make your own decisions."

Hahaha, I wish. I still live under my parents rules, cause I live in their house. When I spend the night with my friends, I have to tell my parents that the boys sleep in another part of the house that we're at, cause if I didn't, I wouldn't be allowed to go. My parents are under the belief that you never sleep in the same room, or for that matter the same bed as someone of the opposite sex unless you are married to that person.

Well I don't have the money to move out on my own yet, and if they found out that I've been spending the night with Lance, I'd be kicked out the house with basically no where to go.

Don't want to move in with Lance. He lives with his dad, and I don't think his dad would care, but I still wouldn't want to be that kind of a burden.

Couldn't stay with Edge-san. He sister hates me, and our friendship isn't what it used to be. I used to be able to count on him for anything, now I can't rely on him for anything.

Monika, Catherine, Billie, and others. Couldn't stay with them either.

I'd have a better chance to walk to Cooper Creek Park and sleep on a bench covered in newspaper, lol.

4. Well Happy 4th of July everyone.

Later today, I'll be going out with Lance, and yes, I'll be spending the night with him again. We've hit a little bump in our road this past weekend. I already kinda touched base on that. But tomorrow, I have some closing statements that I need to say to him. And after the last word is spoken, we'll never speak of it again. I'll be over what he did, and I'll give him a clean slate to start over again on. And hopefully this time, he'll do good. And hopefully when he does bad, he'll tell me about it, instead of hiding it from me like last time.

I just need to find the courage and the strength to stay it all to him. I keep going over what I need and what I want to say to him in my head, but when he's sitting across from me, staring back at me, will I freeze up, or will I tell him what I need to say? Oh how I hope I'll have the courage to say it to him. Because it truly is needed to be heard by him. I've already told him that I have something I need to say to him, and that I was gonna wait til we were together to say it. And he said ok.

Somebody please lend me your strength....
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