Thursday, November 4, 2004

   In reply...
In reply to Miss Haze's rather long comment, here is a clarification on my political postition. Of course, if any of you don't agree with me, feel free to argue your points, as this is going to be very civil. And if any of you get so upset with what I have to say, tough luck. Take it as it is because it's my own personal opinion to which I'm entitled, as you are to yours.

I disagree with Bush being the best candidate for the presidency not just because of the war issue, but also because of the issues with the economy, women's rights and gay rights.

No, I don't believe Kerry could just take the troops and leave Iraq, because quite frankly it's a mess over there, and most of it is in part because of the US occupation. However, because Kerry does have more experience in the Navy and has done his duty in the Vietnam War and even has gotten a medal for his efforts, I'm more likely to trust his military instincts than Bush's. The moment Bush decided to send troops to Iraq, it didn't seem he knew what the hell he was doing. The fact remains that there was absolutely no connection between Al Qaeda and Hussein, and weapons of mass destruction did not and do not exist at all. We were sending troops into danger on a goose hunt looking for things that Iraq had no possession of, and yet Bush claimed that he did this all in the best interest of the protection of our country. But Iraq was not and is no threat to us. Why Bush allowed the Bin Laden family to flee the US right after 9/11 and gave Bin Laden a two-month head start to hide, I'll never know. I cannot trust the "president" to fix up this war he's made because his decisions seem to have no basis behind them other than the fact that he wants the oil in Iraq. They're building a long pipe in the Middle East right through Iraq where Texan oil companies are scouting the area. Companies are consorting amongst one another about how to send American business over there to fuel the economy. This war wasn't for protection. It was for money. How can anyone trust someone who uses this whole terrorist scare to gloss over the fact that he's in it for financial reasons? (If you would like my references, I could point you to a few books that you should check out. For visual people, I'd point you to Michael Moore's Fahrenheit 9/11, but since it's so biased against Bush, I do suggest you take it with a grain of salt).

As for the whole gay marriage issue. Anyone who calls themselves Christian and yet believes two people in love can't be together is a hypocrite. They're using their religion as an excuse to persecute human beings and take away their rights. I'm a Catholic myself, but I've met tons of other Catholics who feel as strongly as I do that anyone in love should have the right to marry. The one thing that Jesus was most fervent about was "Love thy neighbor as I have loved you." If one looks at Jesus' teachings, one would see that He discriminated against no one. In fact, the ones He spent most of His time with were sinners. The way I see things, Jesus was telling us to love everyone and to treat everyone as we would want to be treated. So, if these so-called Christians really do follow the teachings of Christ, then what gives them the right to discriminate against another human being for being in love with someone and wanting to make that love official? The only one who can say what's right or wrong in marriage is God. So who are we to tell others what they can or cannot do? We're supposed to all love one another. That's the ultimate teaching of Christ, and if the religious institutions aren't teaching that, there's something completely wrong with the institution. Yep, I said it. The institutions are then hypocritical. I have faith in God, and I go to church every single Sunday with my family. I've done everything up to now with all that I've learned in faith on my mind. Sure, I haven't been perfect, but who has? What I'm saying is that religion is no excuse for banning others from commiting themselves to one another in love.

Think about it. If we followed everything that the Bible tells us without taking our historical moment into context, women would have to obey everything their husbands tell them to do without argument. Psh. How many women you know would take that from a man now without screaming about sexism?

Quote:
"I think the whole problem with the gay marriage thing is that people simply go by what their religion tells them about it, seeing as America's population is for the most part some type of Protestant or Catholic faith."

Ah, I agree. There is a thing in the constitution that says a little something about separation of Church and State, and I think people need to pay a little more attention to that. The only reason people are attacking same-sex marriage is because they say it goes against the sanctity of marriage. ::rolls eyes:: Yeah. 1 in 3 married couples get divorced. Where's the sanctity in that? Should we just ban marriage altogether because straight people can't even keep their shit together?

That reasoning is ridiculous, and no one on this Earth has the right to deny anyone marriage. No one. Americans aren't conservative. They're scared of what's different. I should know. I got yelled at a couple weeks back when I was driving home, "GO BACK TO YOUR OWN COUNTRY!!" Uhm, hello? I was born here. Just because of the shape of my eyes, the color of my skin, I'm feared. I've lived in liberal California all my life, and I still can't escape bigot idiots. It isn't being conservative. It's being scared of the unknown. The unknown challenges established beliefs and this whole ban on same-sex marriage is the result of that. I mean, take a look at our history as a nation. It used to be against the law in many states to marry outside of your own race. Look at us now. Our generation scoffs at the fact that previous generations were so squirmish about mixing races. Future generations will look at us now and shake their heads at how idiotic laws like the banning of same-sex marriages are.

So, I'm not going to be passive about that. I'm actually going to get off my butt and do something about it. I'm not going to accept bigotry because I don't want people to go through what I've had to go through just for my race, and I don't want to see anyone discriminated agains because they're in love. Fuck that shit. Fight the system man.

And if we bring abortion into this, once again, I feel the government has no right to tell a woman what she can and cannot do in regards to her body. People scream that abortion is murder. And what is dropping bombs over Bagdad? Kickball? The "president" is the biggest murderer right now, if you think about it. Fighting for "freedom" is still fighting nonetheless, and that type of fighting is affecting the world. Abortion is something that would probably affect the woman the most. She's the one who's going to have to live with her decision for the rest of her life. I feel that having the thought of killing your child without giving it the chance to live is punishment enough for a woman. I'm personally against abortion for me personally because I'd rather face consequences of my sexual actions (haha! that's a laugh. I can't even get a boyfriend, let alone get laid, but anyway) than abort a growing child. However I believe that a woman should at least have that choice, especially if having a child is a threat to her own life. But if she does it just because she doesn't want to have a child, it's going to grate on her brain. Believe me. I've known a few people who've gone through it, and not once do they talk about it with me without feeling remorse. The harshest critic is one's own conscience.

Quote:
"And in regards to your last statement.... What country isn't arrogant?"

Yemen. Sigh. Everyone always forgets about Yemem -_-' LOLLL j/p. In all honesty, I never said we were the only arrogant country. As arrogant as other countries may be, there are less arrogant countries than the United States. I never said we were the ONLY one, but I personally believe we are the MOST arrogant country in the world. For one thing, what right have we as a nation to go over to Iraq and try to take down a regime and establish a democracy when there are parts of our nation that need fixing? I don't know about many of you, but I spent a good deal of my youth in the 'ghetto.' I know what it's like to not have a home. I know what it's like be too scared to walk down a street because I'm afraid of the drug dealers down at the corner or the gangs that patrol the streets. I know what it's like, and it's fucking killing me that we're trying so hard to tell other countries what to do with their government and how to run a country when this country is in desperate need of help.

When I visited the Philippines, about 5 or 6 years ago (I was about 16 at the time), do you know how I got treated at times? People talked behind my back in Tagalog as if I didn't understand, saying how Americans are always trying to take over and how spoiled I was because I was American. I understand their sentiments completely, not because I'm spoiled (I think I'm far from it because of my not-exactly-well-off childhood), but in comparison to them, I did have a ton of things that I now take for granted. And the Philippines were also occuppied by the United States not too long ago. I still remember the tales my grandparents would tell me about World War II, how they were able to get rid of the Japanese only to get taken over by the Americans.

And now, Americans are still taking over...not military-wise, but corporation wise. Starbucks, McDonalds, MTV...you can make an argument that there are other European corporations out there as well, but the most prominent are those from the United States. American films are all over the place, and it's not because we're the most productive country when it comes to films (because that title goes to India and Bollywood cinema). It's because we push our products in everyone's faces. If it isn't through military force, it's through pop media culture. It's slightly changing since Japanese media is starting to be the new 'hip' thing, especially amoungst the youth culture, but all in all, American media is still the most dominant. If you went around the world and asked people if they knew who Britney Spears was, you'd probably get a whole lot more people who'd know the answer, than if you asked people if they knew about, oh I don't know, Eriko Imai (blegh not a great example, it's the only thing I can think of right now). America's media and corporations have infiltrated everywhere.

You can't say that about Yemen.

If any of you disagree with me, that's perfectly fine. I'm not out there to try to convert you all to my ideals and beliefs. This is just my stand on things as they are right now, and I doubt I'll change my mind soon unless anything dramatic happens.

That is all. I'm now off to write a 10 page paper.

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Wednesday, November 3, 2004

Election 2004
I look at it this way: No matter what, America is screwed. People voting on things like 'protection of morals' are hypocrites through and through. People are fucking dying in war. There is no moral justification in killing. Hello? One of the ten commandments? 'Thou shall not kill?' You can't get any more moral than that, my friends. And yet, these same people are voting for the same guy who insisted in attacking a country that had absolutely no connection to Al Qaeda nor had any weapons of mass destruction. 'Protection of morals' my ass.

And don't get me started on the protection from terror. No matter what you do, there's no fucking way we can protect ourselves from attacks. You need an insane amount of man power for that, and yet this power is being sent to the other side of the world. You'd think that if protection on the homefront was a priority, we'd have more...well, protection. If someone were to bomb a place in the US right now, there's no way in hell we could prevent that shit from happening.

I'll tell you right now that I don't care for any of the presidential candidates at all. However, I did vote for the lesser of the two evils. Take that as you will.

Anyway, why the hell are we focusing on other countries when our own country is in a fucking mess? The economy is fucked up, college is becoming way too expensive, and the job market isn't looking too friendly for people just coming out of college and looking for money to pay back all those loans. What stupid frivolous things are we focusing on?

Telling people how to live their lives 'morally.'

I mean, hello, 11 fucking states just voted to ban same-sex marriages. All this shit-spouting about morals. Whatever. Who the fuck gives these conservative assholes the right to tell a person that he or she can't marry a person he or she loves? That's fucking insane. Britney Spears and Jennifer Lopez can marry all the men they want whilst domestic partners who've been living together for years and years can't make that commitment to each other because of their sexual orientation? Morals my ass.

I don't know where I'm going with this since this is pretty late for me and I'm not used to staying up, but fuck. This election crap is getting on my last nerves. People have no idea that we've dug ourselves into our own graves.

Doesn't matter though. I'm moving out of this country after I graduate. I don't think I can stand this country's arrogance any more.


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Thursday, October 28, 2004

Rejected
So it turns out my crush already has a girlfriend.

FUCK.

That is all I have to say.

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Wednesday, October 27, 2004

Almost done...
Here's the original manga scan:



Here's what I did last night:
Step One: I picked out the basic base colors for her face.



Step Two: Added more shadows



And here's what I added today:
Step Three: Touched up shadows and added highlights. Also colored the headband protector.



I've still got a bit more shading, highlighting and cleaning up to do before I can say I'm totally finished, but meh. It'll be some time before I attempt coloring another manga scan LOL. I guess this is alright for my first serious attempt T_T It's not the best it could be, but meh, I'm just experimenting.

I wish I had a tablet, sobs.
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New theme in the works o_Ov
Look forward to a new theme from me. It's a bit of a shame that I haven't dedicated my mO once to the girl I chose as my user name. So look foward to a Haruno Sakura theme, coming soon. I'm coloring one of the manga frames from Chapter 236....HA!!! SEEE, Sakura IS cool, man. It's about damn time she's getting developed a lot more.

Here's what the manga frame looks like so far. I'm not done coloring it yet. I've still got to finish the shading and add highlights. I know the hair is going to be a bitch to do, but meh. I wish I had a tablet because doing things with a mouse alone is so hard ::whines::



Sigh. I wish I were better at this T_T

My friend has just told me that I've made Sakura look like she's so much older. LOL. I guess I did. I don't know what I did that makes her look so old (could be the lipgloss that I added xD).

---

I really hate boys right now. My friend has now apologized to me for being an ass, but I'm still pretty pissed off at him. I guess I should appreciate the fact that he likes me because that doesn't happen all too often. I just can't feel the same for him, and he really has to accept that.

And for some reason, that whole really cold, indifferent scene in the library with my crush has made me look at him in a new light. I guess it's just hitting me now that my crush really isn't all that perfect, and somehow that makes it much easier to talk to him.

Though I'm not sure I want to talk to him right now. I was really trying to be friendly with him yesterday, and he was still so cold. But everyone is allowed a bad day every now and then. Sigh. I just wish I hadn't caught him on one because it really made me lose whatever confidence I had gathered to try to smile and be really, really nice.

This is so hard T_T I don't know where to go from here.


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Tuesday, October 26, 2004

Over-emotional blabber
I'm so angry right now because my friend has been giving me so much shit just because I don't like him back as a boyfriend. He's been begging me to tell him stupid, harsh shit that I just don't want to say to him because he's my friend. However, he wants me to give him a reason to fucking associate me with pain so that he can get over his crush on me. What kind of fucked up logic is that? I'm not a mean person by nature, and to ask me to change into a mean person just so he can get mad at me enough to stop liking me is absurd. Seriously, what the hell is that?

And today, my library guy was working again, and he was being so cold to me T_T I was smiling, trying to start conversation, but he was so...stoic. All he did was hand me the films and said, "Here. Next?" He might've been having a bad day. I don't know. But the brush-off was really painful, and it didn't help any that the movies I had to watch today were Baz Luhrmann's Romeo and Juliet as well as West Side Story. I was literally trying to hold back tears because 1) I felt like I totally got rejected by my crush, and 2) the movies I had to watch were super depressing.

...I'm still upset. It doesn't help that I ate half a loaf of bread as soon as I got home because I tend to eat a bit more when I get hurt like this. So in addition to being totally depressed, I feel fat because I've got a ton of carbs in me right now.

Guys are so mean. Sobs. I won't ever understand any of you.

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Friday, October 22, 2004

   Musings
Damn, for some reason I woke up in a good mood today. It could be the fact that I had about eleven hours of sleep, haha. Or it could be that Jalepeno Chedder Focacca I just had for breakfast, cuz that shit was quality. Or it could be the really cold and crisp weather I woke up to ^_^ It feels so great to wake up and get out from under the covers only to find yourself shivering like mad crazy. One of the best feelings in the world.

Maybe today will turn out much better than the all of this entire week. I hope it does because I'm quite tired of feeling like I'm going to burst out in tears at any given moment. I also think that maybe my emotions are so unstable because my hormones are going wacky and it's almost my time of month, lol. For some reason, I always get super emotional right before PMS hits (and why do I keep using the word "super" lately?). Maybe that was too much information for all of you, but quite frankly, I don't care, haha ^_^

I suddenly felt a new song come to me the other day. The melody haunts me, and although the lyrics aren't all quite there yet, it's a song that's really coming from deep within me, and I know that if I don't let people hear it, I'm going to go insane. I've got to get it all down and together on my guitar along with the lyrics before I post it up on here or something. ^_^ I seriously think that music is something I'd want to do forever...well, music along with film. ^_^ But man, music is my life. I could spend all day just strumming my guitar and singing or just listening to music in general. I don't know why I tried to deny this feeling for the longest time. It could be the fact that your success would ultimately depend on how well-received your music is, how hot you are, how much publicity you've got, how much a company is willing to spend to promote you, if radio will play your music, and how many units you'll have the potential to sell. All of these things are usually beyond your control, so it's just...a risky business to get into. And Lord knows I'm not much of a risk-taker.

I mean, no matter how much I believe I can make music, there's no garauntee that anyone will like my music. I think it's delusional to wholly believe in something like that without a hint of realistic perspective. This shit is hard. I've taken an Music Business class, and although the assignments and readings were a joke, we did get visitors from the industry who kept things real. So real in fact that it would scare a lot of people out of striving to become a professional musician.

I'm still undecided about what I want to do. I know that if I don't do something now, time will quickly run out on me, but damn it, I'm still confused about what I really want. There's a part of me that wants nothing to do with decisions; I sometimes want to revert back to being a five-year-old when the only thing I had to worry about was if I could have a cookie for dessert or something stupid like that. Of course, a wish like that is fruitless because that's something that won't ever happen. There's so much anxiety for me whenever I think of the future. I want something solid to believe in, but the fact remains that nothing is for certain, and the possibility of me living completely broke and still being dependent on my parents for the next few years is something that'll most likely happen. That's just sad.

But I guess that's just life for you.

---

1501 hits. Damn, I guess people do read my crap. I'm a little scared now, haha, but thanks.
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Monday, October 18, 2004

   I hate school
I've been writing papers nonstop. It's driving me completely insane. I've got another paper due in a few hours, and my ass needs about three more pages to get it complete, and I can't think of anything at all to add that hasn't been said before. Sigh.

---

I ran into my crush at the library again. Last Thursday, I went to go see a film that I have to discuss for tomorrow's class, and when I arrived at the Film and Music center, he wasn't there when I had arrived, and I was disappointed, but after I watched the film, I guess the people behind the counters changed shifts because there he was as I went to return the film materials. As I approached, he stared at me and gave me a huge smile, and when I went to put the materials back, he told me not to worry about it, and I muttered that I didn't mind. So I put the stuff away and then he looked at me as if he wanted to say something so then I waited for a couple of seconds just looking at him and smiling. He smiled back and was fidgeting with his book, so then I just said bye and left because I really started to feel myself blushing. What the heck did he want to say to me, damn it? Why didn't he just say it? ARG!

You boys are so complicated. T_T
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Saturday, October 9, 2004

I have no title for this post
Ugh. Okay, my friend, the one who confessed that he liked me is acting all depressed because I'm crazy over Library Guy. What the hell am I supposed to do? I don't want him to be depressed, but there's no way in hell that I can think of him as anything other than a friend. Besides, he's always putting himself down, and he's always got so many issues with his self esteem that it turns me off a lot of the times. I just want to knock him on the head or something for being really stupid.

All those "oh-poor-little-me" types get on my nerves because they're so damn needy. Fucking get over yourself. You're no one fucking special. Boo hoo, you didn't get your way for something. Get over it. Live life. Stop complaining so damn much about things that are probably your own damn fault anyway.

I dont know why I'm being mean today. Just one of those moods, I guess.

---

Something totally random.

J-rock wedding by KumaChan
You married	Ken (L'Arc~en~Ciel)
What was your wedding song?	Sakura (Naotaro Moriyama)
Where was it at?	A small church in Osaka
Memorable moment	When Gackt stood up at the reception and made a toast that made no sense
How was it?	Good. We had fun.
Where was the honeymoon?	In Tokyo, surrounded by his fangirls
How long did your marriage last?	Until I died.
Name
Quiz created with MemeGen!

...Well, now. That's quite unexpected. Me and Ken? Ah, at least I'd be able to hear him play those crazy guitar riffs whenever xD


Bow to me!


Which jrock pet are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

...LOL. WTF? Gackt scares me. Sure, he's hot...but he's so fucking weird. More weird than I can handle. xD
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Friday, October 8, 2004

   Week 2 - Mission: FAILED
Well. Nothing has come out of my staking out the library this week. All I've gotten each and every single day is a sore backside from sitting in the library for 5 hours straight studying my ass off. The great thing about it is, I'm finished with all the homework I needed to do for the weekend.

What I found out was that after a Film Theory class, one of my film buddies actually talked to my Library Guy this week about what we film majors like talking about: the comparison between G5s and G4s and which editing system is really the best, the latest cameras, etc. Library Guy might actually just be a Film minor, which would explain why I hadn't seen him in any of my film classes at all.

In any case, there's this one guy in my senior seminar class who's been really friendly to me even though I've never ever talked to him before. Every time I come into the classroom, he's usually the first one there and he always says hi to me, and he doesn't do that to anyone else whenever they come in. And this week, in the library, he's there whenever I am, and although it's been quite obvious I'm looking for someone else, he's really making that effort to talk to me.

Now a part of me wants to figure out what the hell he wants because I don't really know him, and I've never really talked to him before, and a part of me is actually sort of happy that someone seems to want to talk to me, even though I'm quite boring.

I'm so confused LOL. I don't get what guys want. I don't understand them in the slightest. I mean, when I watch "When Harry Met Sally" I remember distinctly when Harry says that guys and girls can't ever be friends because there's always that attraction. That guys are nice merely because they want some ass. I was never too sure about that because I do have a few guy friends, and I don't think they look at me like that, nor do I look at them like that either. I dont' know...what do you guys think? Can girls and guys ever really be friends without having to worry about sexual attraction? Is Harry's theory completely true? Do guys just want to be friendly for ass? LOL.

In other news, I've been listening non-stop to L'Arc's SMILE lately, and no matter how many times I listen to it, I just can't get into the track "Eien." I don't know how many times I've read on forums that people absolutely love the song, but I don't get it. I really don't. It just doesn't speak to me at all. I mean...it's okay? It makes me wonder if people really are so blinded by their love for Hyde that they can't admit when some of his stuff isn't that great.

I can sort of see where they're coming from though because I react the way they do when anyone mentions Yukihiro-san.

I don't know where I'm going with this. I guess I'm just rather frantic as I have to be on campus like right now with a 10 page paper, and I've only tuped up 5 pages. LOL. Ugh.

---

EDIT: OH MY GOODNESS. Just when I thought I was going to go through the week without seeing my Library Guy...

I was heading to my screenwriting class, and I was in a tshirt and jeans because I barely finished my film treatment in time, and I just threw whatever on. So as I was running into the communications building (I happened to be one of the earliest people there -_-'') I almost ran right smack into Library Guy. I was thinking, "SHIT! WHY NOW WHEN I LOOK HORRIBLE?! Is my hair okay?!" But he recognized me and gave me this nod in greeting and smiled. I smiled back, and I was blushing so badly. I mean, hell, it took me a full week to see him again, and then I did the stupidest thing.

I walked right smack into a wall. The effort to make my frenzied entrance seem cool was completely botched. I couldn't even look at him as I hurried on to my classroom and hoped to God that no one else saw it. -_-"

So yes. That was my exciting day. T_T;

I can't believe I got to see him today only to make myself look even more like an idiot -_-' Ugh.

Good news is, the L'Arc~en~Ciel SMILE TOUR 2004 photobook came in the mail!! *happy dance* It's all nice and pretty that I don't want to strip the cellophane off of it.

But ugh!!! I'm still so happy that I got to see him and got a smile, and yet, I feel so stupid for walking into a wall. LOL.
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