Wednesday, November 17, 2004

   New Theme: Haruno Sakura!
I've finally put up a new theme dedicated to Haruno Sakura, the one from whom I've stolen my user name ^_^ For those of you who don't know, she's the kunoichi of Team Seven from the anime/manga Naruto, and she's my personal favorite character because I find I can relate to her the most because although she provokes and teases Naruto, she's not perfect herself, and she's constantly left behind which is why I think she's so endearing. But if any of you have been keeping up with Part I of the Naruto manga, you would know by now that Sakura has finally found her calling, but I won't spoil it for any of you who've only watched the anime.

My new banner is sort of like an update of a banner I made a long time ago that also featured Sakura and had the same generic concept. However, this time I used different pictures and I added flames to the background instead of blood splatters like last time, haha xD

I'm already missing my Natsuki-san avatar though because it was so cute T_T

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With the quarter drawing to a close, I've gotten more than my fair share of workload to complete before the end. This Friday, I've got to make my screenplay pitch to my class, which means I have to tell them my story as though they were executives I wish to sell the story to. I have to speak for 8-10 minutes, and it's going to be filmed so that I can critique my pitch.

I'm positively terrified because when I get nervous in front of a group of people, I tend to turn extremely red and talk faster. I mean, when it comes to acting on stage, that's so much more easier for me because it's not my work I'm performing usually, and I always try my best because I don't want to be the one to fuck up someone else's story. However, because this is just me and my own work, I'm just nervous as all hell. My story may seem cool to me but to my class it may sound like a cliche love story.

I don't know how I'll keep on talking for 8-10 minutes without forgetting what I'm going to say, but since we're allowed to have notes with us, I'm definitely going to write down a thorough outline for me to follow. If I don't have a guide in front of me, I feel that I'll definitely go off on tangents, or I'll run out of things to say which I feel will be much worse because then it'll look as though I don't even know my own script.

GAH! Just thinking about it right now is making me nervous. I really need to calm down xD

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Onto more personal matters...
My friend, the one who had admitted to me a while ago that he likes me, has suddenly started to be very demanding of me and my time. In other words, he's acting like a whiny boyfriend. He demands why I don't want to spend time with him, why I don't ever want to hang out with him, and why it seems like I'm always so goddamn busy.

What the hell? It's because I AM busy, you fucking prick! And I told him so, and he got all, "Okay, fine. Have a nice life!" What the fuck did I do to deserve this kind of treatment? Goddamn it, I'm spending all my time studying and writing all these goddamn papers and my script all while preparing for my upcoming finals, all of which are more papers, and this fucker is demanding more free time from me. If you were a friend, you would fucking understand the circumstances instead of acting like a spoiled child, ne?

And then he went on to question what he meant to me. And I told him that he was my friend. And yet, that answer didn't seem to satisfy him. Goddamn it, I'm sorry if I don't fucking want to be his goddamn girlfriend! Geez. Fucking get over it and stop whining like a crazy bitch and stop trying to make me feel like I'm guilty for not returning the kind of feelings I can't return! That's fucking life, and although it may seem like I'm a little bit harsh, I really don't give a flying fuck because I know how it hurts to have unrequited feelings, but you don't really see me bitching about it every second of every goddamn day.

Fucking get a hobby or some shit! Trying to make me feel guitly over something like this pisses me off because it's not something I can help in any way, shape or form. It's like he's blaming me for not feeling the same way, but what the hell am I supposed to do? Drop all my classes just so I can hang out with him? Neglect all the work I've done just to spend more time with him? When I only see him as a friend? Goddamn it.

This is sort of why I don't even want to be in a relationship right now, despite the crushes I may have on guys because for one thing, I just have too much important crap to do right now that I can't waste time consoling some whiny boyfriend who wants more of my spare time when I hardly have any of it to spare! I've worked too damn hard to get where I am right now! I'm not going to throw any of that away! He knows that I'm going to have free time after this quarter is over so I don't fucking understand why he's being so goddamn clingy right now when it's only pushing me away!

And the fact that he keeps bringing up this whole relationship issue is getting on my nerves. I've told him once, I've told him twice, I've told him three times!!! When is it going to sink in that I only consider him as a friend and nothing more? How can I be more blunt than that? Do I have to find myself a boyfriend or some shit to get it into his thick skull that I'm just not interested in him in that particular way???

I'm so frustrated. It makes me hate boys even more. If this is a fraction of what it's like to be in a relationship, I don't want to be in any part of it at all. I can't handle jealous, clingy people.

Whew. I feel tons better letting it all out xD

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More KPop
Got my Fly to the Sky - Gravity CD in the mail today. It's their 5th album, and I actually have to say I like it much better than their fourth album, Missing You.


Fly to the Sky was my introduction to Korean Pop Music, and so they've still got a soft spot in my heart ^_^ My roommate last year got to meet them, and I'm still so incredibly jealous of her. When she showed me the picture of her and Brian Joo (the one sitting down in the picture), I was really soooo jealous, haha xD She's so lucky. I wish I could meet them one day, too ^_^


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