Sunday, November 21, 2004

Life is full of melodrama and boredom...but what to do?

I feel as though I'm on auto pilot. I can't snap myself out of this rut I'm in. I'm not all that sure I want to. I just feel so listless. I want to change it, but this overwhelming sense of hesitation stops me. What can I do about it? How can I stop the endless monotany of my days? *sighs* I'm not all that sure. At the same time, my life is so melodramatic right now. I'm in this continuous struggle to keep two friend that don't get along too well. I have been "best friends" with Cameron since 7th grade. Freshman year I became friends with Leanne. Cameron hates Leanne because "she tries too hard, everything has to be centered around her," and apparently Leanne is taking me away from Cameron. -__- I can't stand it. CAmeron wrote me this really crappy email full of drama that went like this: Don’t say you’ve tried because you haven’t. You haven’t tried at all and I think it is obvious that I have; especially this week. I don’t know who you are and you won’t tell me. So, in short, I give up! I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I can’t read your mind and that I am not in band and that I work on weekends and that I can’t stay up for all hours of the night. I’m sorry that I’m not your best friend anymore. And don’t give me that shit about you having more than one best friend and blah blah blah. A best friend is the first person you go to when you have a problem or gossip. A best friend is there for you; period no questions asked. Well, frankly, I don’t seem to be that person anymore. I don’t want to bother you anymore than I apparently have. Oh, and I have ears. I hear everything you say. I knew you were going to spend the night with her; I didn’t want to be invited; to be the third wheel. The only question is how dumb do you think I am? I don’t know you anymore, at this rate I’m I guess I might have never know you. And I’m not mad or sad about it, I’m numb. I’m numb to the world and everyone in it. Oh, and I’m not saying that we are not friends anymore. I am just telling you how I feel and that there is no need to call me you best friend; you my give that name to my successor (Leanne). I understand that her mom is wacky and that she didn’t have a date and that she might not have many friends, but is it so much to ask to have one night with just you and your date and me and mine. Is it so much to ask that we keep our old promises and stay best friends forever, because I know I planned on keeping that promise? Whenever she is around it doesn’t seem like anything we have agreed on. I am a third wheel on any occasion and even when she isn’t around I still don’t know who you’ve turned into. You’ve changed just like everyone else and I always thought that you would be the one that would change with me instead of against me, but it's the little things that you don’t tell me and that I don’t know that hurt the most. I don’t know when or why it changed. All I can do is guess that it is because you spend so much time with your band friends; your real friends. So, it was nice knowing you, I will retreat now to the back of the line and follow what is going on in your life from a distance; as it seems I should have been all along. -Cameron- I didn't know what to say so I just didn't say anything about it...I still haven't. It pisses me off that she would go off on me like that simply because I invited Leanne to come with us to dinner on Homecomming because she didn't have a date. I didn't expect Cameron to be such a bitch. But she was. I realize that most of you are just like...screw her...you don't need her. But I don't want 4 years of friendship to go down the hole. Now everything is all akward between us for two reasons: 1. I don't want to say anything because I know she will turn it around on me. 2. I found out her boyfriend of 3 years cheated on her in the beginning...and she thinks it is a lie...she won't accept any other answer. I haven't said anything about that either. I really don't know what to do. *sigh* I hate really drama. Thank you for reading my rant. I am still working on the next layout for mO. I gotta figure out what I want to do on it. I may ask VAl or Preston for some help with a banner....I just don't know. -__-

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