Friday, October 6, 2006

Only Eleven Dalmatians I attribute all of my current woe to a single news paper headline: “Ninety Puppies Killed in Tragic Tractor Trailer Fire”. I have been in a stupor, a slump, a bit of a funk if you will, for the last couple months. It isn’t a crippling depression, obvious to friends and foes alike by my body language and a glazed over gleam in my eye. Nah, I would describe this more like a fogginess that is surrounding my soul (y’know, assuming I have one), weighing me down just enough to be a pain in the ass. I have tried to alleviate my self using the usual methods: pretty women, crazy women, getting absolutely hammered, remaining stone cold sober, working out, living like a sloth. None of it worked. I even upped my Starbucks consumption, hoping that an increased intake of caffeine would shatter the stupor. Unfortunately the only thing the extra coffee has given me is mild heart palpitations. Yeah, yeah, I know what you are all thinking, “Charlie, what the fuck does this have to do with all of those dead puppies!” To be honest? I am not sure. You see I think my funk set in immediately after reading that article. I think something just clicked in my head. Why would someone write a story about ninety puppies dying? I mean, sure, it happened and it is horrible, but hundreds of horrible things happen every day that affect my life far more than the death ninety innocent, cuddly puppies. Why would a newspaper print this story on the front page (MSN also had an article on the main splash image of their website) and shatter my illusion that all puppies frolic together in some mystical puppy land before finding their way to some kindly owner? Shit, maybe it is because the media has already destroyed all of our other wonderful conceptions and thoughts; this was just the final ball stomp on an already hemorrhaging man.

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Monday, August 7, 2006

Just call me Samurai Arrrghh! My friend once asked me if I would rather be a pirate or a ninja. I thought about this question of questions for about two seconds when I came to a decision. “Dude, I want to be a pirate ninja.” “You can’t be a pirate ninja.” “Why not?” “Because it wasn’t an option. I said ‘what would you rather be, a pirate or a ninja’ not “a pirate or a ninja or a pirate ninja’”. “Alright, well what would you pick?” “Hmmm well on one hand nin….” Before he could finish I whipped out my katana and sliced him in two. Then I went to his apartment ravaged his girlfriend, plundered his wallet, and disappeared in a mysterious puff of smoke. Because that is what mother fucking pirate ninjas do.

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Friday, August 4, 2006

Buy Me!! You really should buy Dog Problems by the Format just because I am recommending it. Really, I have impeccable taste in music, at least that’s what I tell myself everyday when I turn on the stereo and blast Leif Garrett’s rendition of “I Was Looking For Someone To Love”. Joking aside, I think this album is incredible. A far cry from the Format’s previous album, Interventions and Lullabies, Dog Problems is a poppy, catchy rock album that reminds me quite a bit of Queen. The album is excellent to listen to as a whole, yet still has a few catchy songs that should hook a casual music fan. So go buy it, or steal it, or illegally download it…I won’t tattle, honest injun.

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Sunday, July 30, 2006

Spoiler Alert I went to the cheap theater this evening with the fam and caught The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift. It really wasn’t quite as bad as I thought it would be. I was expecting a movie with a plot as thin as Mary Kate Olson and acting that would make Tori Spelling cringe. Instead I got a movie with a plot as thin as Mary Kate Olson, acting that would make Tori Spelling cringe, and some pretty fucking sick car race/chase scenes. There was a point in the movie, however, that was so ridiculous the entire movie theater (all six of us) groaned in unison. Cody (at least I think that is the protagonist’s name) waltzes into a yakuza bar to see the boss man, played by Sonny Chiba. Now this Yakuza boss is pissed at Cody, not only has Cody been fucking around with his nephew’s girl, but he was also working for a guy that was doing some illegal hanky-panky without paying restitution to Sonny boy. But before the big bad boss man can whip out his katana sword and slice off Cody’s left teste, the cocky youth lays out a proposition. A race. If Cody loses, he is fish food, if he wins he gets the girl. My big problem is that Sonny Chiba, a Yakuza boss, agrees to this crazy deal. Any self-respecting mobster would have cut off Cody’s head and used it as a cereal bowl, after all could you imagine the ramifications? The Yakuza would never make another dollar, they would be too busy being challenged to footraces by money grubbing prostitutes and eating contests by people that refused to pay protection fees. Anyway, if you just purchased a racing video game or have the desire to drive your car way too recklessly, go see Tokyo Drift, it’ll put you in that frame of mind. If you want a thought provoking, plot involved movie…well you probably stopped reading this after I mentioned The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift back in the first sentence.

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Friday, July 28, 2006

Not This Fuckin' Guy Again Wow, has it really been over a year since I last posted? How time does fly. I thought I would write a few more posts, tell some stories, and attempt to crack a few jokes before I finally drop the curtain on the whole “Otaku” portion of my life. That is, if people are still interested in anything I have to write… To quote LL Cool J, “don’t call it a come back”…because it’ll probably be more like George Foreman stepping back into the ring not to box, but to pawn a few grills…

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Monday, April 11, 2005

The weather is abso-fucking-lutely incredible, and it has been that way for the past five or six days. You might remember reading my post last weekend when I was bitching about the unexpected foot and a half of snow we received. It just goes to show you how bipolar the weather in North East Ohio is. I spent the majority of weekend outside studying, working on a project in one of my classes, playing basketball, hiking, and lying in my yard playing the guitar like the damn hippie I am. I only ventured inside for a few hours this weekend to watch Sin City and catch the finale of Ultimate Fighter. Sin City was great but I regret having read the comics before seeing the movie, it was pretty much a word for word adaptation of the graphic novels. Still, it kicked ass. The Ultimate Fighter finale was a bit of a let down just because of all the included filler, although it was great watching Stephan and Forrest beat the ever living shit out of each other for fifteen minutes I need to give props to Aleia, who unknowingly rescued me from an insanely annoying girl on Saturday night. Her phone call, accompanied by my friend yelling “uh-oh! Must be another one of Charlie’s women!” caused a party fly to buzz off and bother another guy. Sorry we never got a chance to chat.

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Friday, April 8, 2005

Random Thoughts 1. There is talk circulating about elevating Pope John Paul II to Sainthood. Now, I have no desire to belittle the characteristics of a man that lived a fairly virtuous life, but I really don’t think that the former Pope warrants Sainthood. I mean would a Saint turn a blind eye to known acts of pedophilia within his organization just because condemning the acts may damage said organization’s public image? I mean, the only miracle in that situation is that some irate father didn’t figure out away to carpet bomb the Pope-mobile straight to hel…heaven. 2. According to Michael Jackson’s defense attorney everyone that has ever worked at Wako Jacko’s estate is a liar, a thief, or has some vendetta against the now albino African American. Who cares if Jackson anally raped a little boy while making him look at a crumpled up copy of Hustler magazine? I mean the self-proclaimed king of pop is not the one on trial here people! 3. Jackie Chan is releasing several lines of snacks and cookies for the health conscious. I decided to offer my service to the Chanster and proposed two incr-edible (yes, more cheesy puns to follow) slogans. Jackie Chan cookies, mmmhmm, Chantastic! And Jackie Chan cookies, better than a kick to the testicles! 4. Lately I have had this odd idea that I would like to go into a bank completely naked and make a deposit. I would saunter to the teller and put both hands on the counter and say “I want to make a deposit”. When she/he looks at me strangely I would say “oh, yeah, I guess you need money and my ID”. I would then reach at my hip like I am putting my hand in my pocket, then roll my eyes in a typical “you idiot, you don’t have any pockets, you don’t even have PANTS” expression. At this point I would bend over, out of site of the teller, and grab my ID and money (discreetly taped to the inside of my thigh). Then I would hand it to the teller and relish his/her look as they have to handle my “dirty” money.

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Wednesday, April 6, 2005

Let the shameless plugging begin! Matthew McConaughey is going to be the guest on the Daily Show tonight. Last time Jon Stewart sat down with the eccentric bongo player, McConaughey gave the best or, at the very least, most entertaining interview ever (viola! Here is a link to said interview). If you aren’t already visiting Group Sounds then you should. Unless you want to be a loser. Actually, you should visit even if you are a loser, that way you can say “I might be a loser but at least I visit Group Sounds”! Work has been a bit slow lately so I have more or less been getting paid to read PW Torch.com. If you are a wrestling fan that likes crawling behind the scenes then check it out.

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Tuesday, April 5, 2005

Yep, UNC won the NCAA tournament, further proving that the ACC is by far the best conference when it comes to men’s basketball. Actually, when I was originally looking at colleges to attend I really wanted to play basketball for an ACC school. Unfortunately I suck at basketball, so things didn’t pan out quite the way I hoped. I, however, could have been an extraordinary basketball player if I was just a little taller, from the Czech Republic, and had talent. Why is the Pope’s death so heavily covered in the news? He was an old man. He did what old men do, they die. They are covering his death like he was assassinated or something, it is fucking ridiculous.

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Monday, April 4, 2005

I have owned Guero for about a week now. Usually it takes me about this long to form a solid opinion on an album and review it. Fortunately Tony saved me a little time by writing a review last week. Since my sentiments mimic his go read this post. Then post a response thanking him for such an informative review. Finally, go buy the fucking album…and not the cheap regular edition. Get the deluxe edition complete with bonus tracks and a kick ass DVD. By the way, it is sixty degrees today and the foot and a half of snow that we received has all melted. Sunshine? Praise Jebus!

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