Thursday, October 28, 2004

No Spin Zone …. Well today is another day, obviously. I have started this entry a few times already, but each beginning seems to make too much sense. I guess that I don’t want to be in a poignant mood, but those are the sentences that seem to bubble to the top of the proverbial pot. I watched the O’Reilly Factor the other night for a bit. I haven’t seen that many episodes of the show but the dozen or so that I have watched have been quite amusing. I don’t think O’Reilly hides the fact that he is a little more to the right than to the left, but, during every show that I have seen, he does a great job asking tough questions to important people. Sure, he is opinionated, but I don’t think he allows his opinions sway the tone of his show. O’Reilly does a great job of forcing his guests to not give generic political responses. For example, last night he pretty much forced one of Kerry’s advisors to admit that John Kerry probably doesn’t support gay marriage because, like so many people of his generation, he isn’t quite comfortable with it. I think it is cool when a journalist can bring out that kind of honesty in someone. I also believe that he really doesn’t favor either President Bush or John Kerry, which in my mind is a definite plus for any editorial news host. Even though (as I stated before) his opinions seem to be a bit more to the right than the left, he trashes Bush’s policies (especially some of the wartime policies) quite regularly, and even called Bush on them during an interview. After O’Reilly Factor one of my friends came over and we watched the new episode of South Park. It was a great episode, and I loved how they picked on Poppa Diddy Pop’s “Vote or Die” campaign and PETA. I also thought the message of the show was really poignant, this year our election is between a Giant Douche and a Turd Sandwich…oh, and unless you live in a swing state other than Florida, your vote probably doesn’t count. After South Park, Comedy Central premiered their latest show, Drawn Together. This show was absolutely hysterical, if you didn’t see it last night I encourage you to check it out next week. John Kerry is coming to town on Saturday for a rally. In a way I’d like to go. I really want some propaganda and I wouldn’t mind hearing Bruce Springsteen and Bon Jovi. However, I am not a big fan of hordes of single-minded people that believe John Kerry is America’s Moses. Maybe you like John Kerry better than Bush, maybe (and this is a big maybe in my mind, I actually plan on voting for Bush) he actually is the lesser of two evils. But, face it, dirty diapers and dog shit both stink, it is all just opinion what offends your nostrils more.

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Wednesday, October 27, 2004

And You’re Always On My Mind…. First off, fuck. There, now that my desperate need for opportune yet totally irrelevant vulgarity has been satisfied I am ready to write…maybe. I hate living in a “swing” state. The local news channels are constantly chattering about what politician or activist is going to what town to rally for what cause and no one but the unions seem to give a shit. Due to their frequent visits, signs, stickers, buttons, and posters are everywhere, proving that neither of these candidates are very environmentally friendly. Most of all I hate the constant commercials. I saw four John Kerry commercials in a row yesterday, four!. The first commercial explained to me that Bush is a lying, incompetent, war monger; I didn’t need to see three more to reiterate that same statement. Jesus, do I ever miss the anti-smoking ads. Now, onto something entirely unrelated to the previous paragraph. I frequent Borders. About a month or so ago a new girl started working at the coffee counter. She is absolutely gorgeous. About two weeks ago I vowed that I was going to ask her out the next time I saw her. Unfortunately, I have yet to see her again, which sucks. Point is, if you see someone that you are attracted to you are better off just asking them out immediately…don’t beat around the bush. So it is Wednesday today, that means I’ll be heading to the comic shop during lunch. Today, Green Lantern Rebirth comes out, which should be cool. One comic that I am more or less infatuated with is “Identity Crisis”. It is probably the best entire world mini-series that DC has ever created. The art is amazing, and the penciler, Rags Morales, is quickly becoming my comic book favorite artist. The plot isn’t shabby either. Identity Crisis was written by novelist Brad Meltzer (of Zero Game fame) and it focuses on the DC Universe Heroes and how they cope when their families are targeted by villains. If you are looking for a good comic, this is a great place to start. Issue one just had a second printing, so it is available, and you can usually still buy 2-5 at cover price.

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Tuesday, October 26, 2004

And We All Float On… It is hard waking up when it is cold. Or, rather, it is hard getting out of bed. When I woke up this morning my room wasn’t just cool, it was frosty. So instead of hoping right out of bed I cocooned myself between my comforter and, while drifting somewhere between a dream and consciousness, listened to the BBC. I guess that the volume of the radio or the abrasive voice of the broadcaster mingled with my subconscious, because it seemed as if I was dreaming the news. Instead of simply hearing the events I was watching them unfold, or rather imagining them unfold. I saw Prince Henry hit a pesky paparazzi then melt away into a hail of gunfire in Iraq. It was very unnerving and as soon as I regained consciousness I leapt out of bed, fleeing from my own imagination. I have always been plagued by vivid dreams. When I talk about them with friends, family and acquaintances they always seem slightly envious of them. Sometimes I am not sure that they should be. Sure, most of them are relatively easy to wake up from, and while impressions of them dance through my memory, nothing about them seems real after I wake. Once or twice a week, however, I have real dreams, dreams that only become dreams when my alarm clocks (I actually have two that go off nearly simultaneously) wrench me out of slumber. Quite often I am all too relieved to be yanked back into reality. My nightmares aren’t always horrifying (although I have had a few), instead they are usually just a frightening, slightly obscured view of reality. Sometimes I just don’t want to wake up; sometimes my dreams are much more comforting than reality. When my alarm interrupts these dreams I often lay in bed for awhile in a vain attempt to recapture them. I don’t know why I become so attached to some of my dreams, but I do. I can vividly remember dreams that I had when I was eleven years old as if they were factual memories. Perhaps I should blame my dreams how surreal my waking life often feels.

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Monday, October 25, 2004

Fish are Food not Friends… I was browsing MSN this morning when I saw an interesting (by interesting I mean asinine) article on Charlize Theron, who is now an advocate for the anti-fur community. Personally, I don’t really care that she is against the fur industry, I just her campaign is really stupid. The ad shows her next to a dog and then has a caption stating “If you wouldn’t wear your dog, please don’t wear any fur.” I find the ad itself pretty lame just because I don’t think you can compare Fido, the domesticated family dog, to the squirrels that he chases in your yard. Wouldn’t it be more logical to have an ad with Charlize Theron wearing a cotton coat with caption stating “Why would you condone the murder of an animal just to wear its pelt when you can buy a warmer cotton coat for half the money? Are you some kind of a pretentious fucking fashion whore?” The advertisement doesn’t bother me nearly as much as the reasoning she gives for supporting said cause. She isn’t anti-fur because she realizes that there is no reason to slaughter animals now that synthetic materials are available. She is anti-fur because during her childhood her mother taught her “compassion for all animals”. Yeah, tell that to the fish that you ate for dinner and the eight cows that donated their hides so you could have that pretty leather interior inside your car. Even more importantly, tell that to the spider that you crushed the other day for no fucking reason other than it was crawling on your ceiling. After all, you have “compassion for all animals”. Why is it that when celebrities pursue a cause more often than not they come off as total morons? Does the magical logic fairy show up at their doorsteps one day and just say “Hey, it seems as though you are famous; please place all of your rationality in this bag, you will have no more use for it”? Maybe that is why Ben Affleck’s movies have been so horrible as of late, perhaps he wouldn’t trade his common sense for a decent box office draw.

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Saturday, October 23, 2004

Welcome To “Go to Hell”…Population “Fuck Off”…. An overabundance of testosterone and a vast under-abundance of sleep has pushed me into an even further state of absurdity (obviously, we all know that I usually live slightly to the left of reality). Anyway, I thought my current state of delirium provided me with a great opportunity to post a few random thoughts. 1. Charlie’s guide to raising your child right, tip #43…Honesty Buy your children goldfish; they are a great, constructive tool that can really help teach children valuable moral lessons. For example, the other day Johnnie’s mother caught him telling a lie. That night, while Johnnie was asleep, his mother crept into his room and killed one of Johnnie’s goldfish. The next morning Johnnie ran into his mother’s room with tear filled eyes. “Mommy, Mommy,” cried the distraught little boy, “something is wrong with my fish!” The mother hugged her son close and led him into his bedroom to look at the fish. “Poor little Johnnie,” said the mother sincerely, “it looks like God killed your fish because you told a lie.” Johnnie cried and cried for several days, however, from that moment on he always thought twice about telling a lie. The moral of this story is “don’t beat your child, psychological abuse is much more permanent and scarring”. 2. How to win any argument or How to be a Master Debater (that one never gets old) The key to winning any argument is presenting your argument in a logical, coherent manner. First, make sure that you know facts surrounding the issue you are arguing. The great thing about arguments is that you can choose which ones to become involved in. Second, make sure you can present your arguments in a logical, thought provoking manner. While your opponent may know more about the issue, if you present a better argument than he or she does, you can often come out on top. Finally, if all else fails, make sure you carry a handgun. Most people are quick to concede a debate to the crazy guy firing a glock in the air. 3. This Just In…. Brittney Spears is talking about starting a family with worthless, white trash husband Kevin Federline. It is too bad that their parents didn’t Bob Barker’s advice and have the two neutered and spayed. 4. A great pickup line… What fucks like a tiger and winks? ;) (obviously the joke teller is supposed to be the winker)

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Friday, October 22, 2004

Lunch Lady Land…. During my drive from school to work this morning I pondered the usual pontifications of a man my age. As the thoughts of sex, sports, cars, sex, comics, and sex (wait, didn’t I mention that already?) wafted aimlessly through my mind one thought appeared and overshadowed all the others. It was the most important thought of them all: WHAT IS FOR LUNCH? Now I usually am not very hungry at 10:30 in the morning, but I knew that I would be hungry around noon-ish, and, unfortunately, I had not packed myself a lunch. So I thought about all of the possible establishments to stop at and purchase my mid-day munchies. Should I stop at Asian Garden and get some steamed vegetables and rice? Maybe I would pasta from Little Johnnie’s? Does a cold-cut sub from Gregory’s sound good? And then I remembered (which is an unusual occurrence considering I have the memory capacity of a small goldfish) that several of my co-workers were making us lunch today, the main course, SLOPPY JOES!!! Needless to say I have gorged myself on the chips and peppers and dips and sweets and (of course) the sloppy Joes that were brought in. Anyhow, now that I am stuffed full of good food I think I will take a few moments to respond to comments made towards yesterday’s entry…. For those who like to Rock… Her Royal Cheapness and The Artist Formerly Known as Cera: Maybe it isn’t the background that is tilting, maybe it is your computers. Or maybe you two need to lay off of the wacky weed…. Jersey Girl: I am not ambitious, I am just to lazy to be poor all of my life. Mr. Milk Man: That is some dilemma you have! On one hand you can go see Say Anything and Modest Mouse for the price of seeing Manson. On the other hand Manson is guaranteed to be awesome, while I am not sure how performances by Modest Mouse and Say Anything will go. It is too bad that Manson is on a Tuesday or I would offer to spot your ticket cost in exchange for a floor to crash on. I guess at the end of the day you just have to decide what kind of music mood you are in…good luck. Devil Dude: Right now the ongoing titles that I collect are: Ex Machina, Sleepers, MK Spiderman, District X, Astonishing X-Men, Kabuki, Amazing Spiderman, and several other titles that just are not popping into my head right now. I also am purchasing Maddrox, Strange, Warlock, Identity Crisis, and Secret Wars (as well as some others that I am sure that I am forgetting). I also am looking forward to the Green Lantern Rebirth and the New Avengers series that are launching shortly as well as the new “season” of the Ultimates that is expected out soon. The Sarah that is not Sara or Cera: Yeah, fuck people. Bat Meg and Shiny the Boy Wonder: A little vicarious car experience for me and you! Torriffic: Slaps a high five…

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Thursday, October 21, 2004

Wanna Talk About Me, My, & I…. I really like Thursdays, or rather, I really like alternating Thursdays. I guess that is because I arrive at work every other Thursday to find a fairly nice paycheck at my desk. Even though the paycheck never varies in amount, nor is there actually a real check in the envelope (it is deposited automatically into various accounts); I still get tremendous satisfaction ripping open the envelope and looking over my paycheck receipt. For the past few months I have been setting part of each paycheck aside in order to make a down payment on a new car. Right now I own a nice, red, two door Saturn sport coupe. It is a fun and reliable car, actually, I like it so much that I was going to trade it in and buy a new Saturn Vue. I say “was” because I abandoned the idea when I saw the new 2005 Mustang at a showroom the other day. This car is absolutely gorgeous, an incredible throw back to the late 60’s early 70’s fast back. Unfortunately, the bastards at the Ford dealership wouldn’t let me test drive the damn car. I did like the Mustang so much, however, that I decided to put off buying a new car until I can test drive it. Speaking of cars, my little red coupe has been doing a ton of traveling lately. I have been spending quite a bit of time in Cleveland and Pittsburgh lately for no other reason than to be somewhere else besides the middle of nowhere. I enjoy cities. I like the convenience of everything, the hustle and bustle, the abruptness of the people, and even the danger of walking the streets alone late at night. I am positive that I will head towards a more urban area as soon as I finish with my advertising program. School is going really well, especially my creative advertising class. I really think that the design aspect of my job and insatiable appetite for comic books gives my projects a much more modern and professional appeal to them. I just completed a pretty cool print ad for a liquor company that kicks ass. The one downside of the class is that virtually every project is group oriented, and, so far, the people in my groups have been entirely to lazy. I really have to meticulously plan out my schedule to fit in school work because my schedule is in-fucking-sane (nine hours of school on top of fifty plus hours of work doesn’t leave a whole lot of free time in a week) and when these little eighteen year old shits don’t show up for a group meeting because they are “too hung over” I tend to flip out. Ah well, enough about me…

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Wednesday, October 20, 2004

Letters to the Editor… Dear Lindsey, Earlier today I was flipping through television channels when I came across the most offensive thing I have ever both heard and seen, your music (if you call it music) video, Rumors. Boy was it ever terrible. I am aware that pop music doesn’t really require much talent, if any. However, Miss Lohan, I think you actually possess negative talent. Not only did the song cause my ears to bleed, but your odd vampiric talent (well, lack thereof) drained a bit of my musical ability. Don’t fret though, Lindsey, some good came out of Rumors. Despite the song’s horrible…well horrible everything, it has inspired me to live a better life. Yes, after listening to Rumors I decided to devout my life to caring for the poor and destitute. I have radically altered my life because I fear that if I die and wind up in hell your horrible fucking song will be playing on perpetual loop. Thanks for polluting the air waves with this shit; I am sure Clear Channel will make you a huge star, ~HC P.S. Jesus Christ, what were you thinking? P.S.S. has anyone ever told you that you are unnaturally tanned?

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Tuesday, October 19, 2004

Oh It's True... When WWE got the “F” out, I think that they were referring to more than a company name change. I think that the “F” also stood for “fun”, “fantasy”, and “fucking entertainment”. Sure, Vinny Mac wants us to believe that the “E” stands for entertainment, but pro wrestling fans aren’t quite as stupid as he thinks. We know that the “E” really stands for “entropy”. The first fault with WWE lies in the actual wrestling. My complaints don’t lie with every wrestler, WWE’s mat based format really suits some of the super stars, and guys like Chris Benoit, Christian, and HHH are having some of the best matches of their lives. However, by forcing wrestlers to compete (well compete as far as fake competition is concerned) in more of a mat based arena you are really limiting their performances. A good example is Billy Kidman. A few years ago Kidman was having better matches than anyone else in the wrestling industry. His matches with Rey Mysterio, Chavo, and Eddie Gurrerro were filled with fast paced counters and insane high flying spots. Today, however, Kidman is a shell of his former self. Kidman is still tremendously talented, he just doesn’t excel at the mat based, slow paced matches that untalented hulks like Luther Reigns and Tyson Tomko do. The other huge failing of WWE is their inability to create cohesive, coherent, or even slightly entertaining stories. As a wrestling fan I am not asking for a whole lot. However, right now the WWE is so formulated that even the most casual of fans can accurately predict who is going to face who eight months down the road. When the ratings dip WWE tends to ignore addressing their faulty story telling abilities and, instead, try to angle viewers with cheap shock value (i.e., lighting JR on fire, “what’s up with that?”). The aspect of WWE storytelling that bothers me the most, however, is how the writers expect you to conveniently forget storylines. For example, several months ago Randy Orton was in a heated feud with Shawn Michaels. It was a good feud, prompted by Orton insulting Michaels and then spitting in his face. Fast forward a couple of months. Orton is no longer a heel so obviously he and Shawn Michaels are now best friends, at least that is what one would think considering Shawn saved Orton’s ass from the big beat down not once, not twice, but three times. Look if some guy spits in my face and then picks a fight with me, I don’t care how many old women he helps cross the street, I’m not going to risk my ass bailing him out of a fight. Fuck him. I know that most of you guys could give a rat’s ass about pro wrestling, and that’s cool. However, watching wrestling has been one of the few hobbies that I have remained faithful to since I was small, and it really pisses me off that something that used to be really cool sucks so much now.

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Monday, October 18, 2004

A Little Q and virtually no A Guess What?.... I really hate when people try and begin a conversation in that fashion. What are the chances of accurately answering this question without prior knowledge of possible topics? I bet the odds aren’t quite as good as being struck by lightning while simultaneously finding out you won the mega millions lottery but slightly better than sinking in quicksand while being mauled by a giant panda bear in the middle of the Sahara only to discover that you have both anti-panda spray and a grappling hook in your left trouser pocket. Guess What? is also the possibly the emptiest question you can ask someone because you really don’t want the person to actually guess anything, you just want them to mumble “what” so you can continue on with your petty little diatribe. That is why I always respond to this question in the same fashion. I simply reply with the following: “unfortunately I have no answer right now, but allow me to ponder your question for a bit and I will get back to you shortly.” Then I walk the fuck away. And now a brief explanation of…. …tea bagging. Actually I refuse to explain the term, but I will point the curious in the right direction. I guarantee that if you Google the term Google’s mighty search engine will point you to a gazillion sites that will be happy to explain it to you in graphic detail. By the way, when I have kids and they come to the age when it is time for them to learn about the birds and the bees (or fucking for those that metaphors are lost on) I think I am going to Google a porn site and show them. After all, most children learn better from visuals then from sound….

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