Tuesday, June 8, 2004

:)

Kickin’ It in Key West; Holiday Road Part 2 On Sunday I boarded a plane bound for Miami with my mom, dad, and sister. Once again fate gave me a gloriously uneventful plane ride (although the landing was a wee bit rough) and accompanied it with a spectacular view of the Atlantic. The sea made me a little nostalgic, being landlocked in Ohio after twenty some years of living near the beach has to be some form of punishment. My family and I grabbed our bags, hopped into a rental car, and drove south towards Key West. The drive from Miami to Key West was horribly slow, however, whenever our teeth began grinding due to the bumper to bumper traffic we merely peered out either window and stared at both the ocean and the bay. After a five hour drive (during which we only progressed 130 or so miles) we arrived at the southern most city in the United States. A few minutes later we parked in our rental condo’s parking lot. The building’s façade was a bit dingy but it didn’t reflect the place in general (which had a magnificent pool, a beautiful view of the ocean, and a huge tropical garden). Our condo was called “Henry’s Piece of Paradise” and it was over the top. Henry had decorated the main living room with white overstuffed leather couches and large pink coral lamps. Facing the couches was a huge entertainment center and a small wet bar, and in the corner a mannequin dressed up as a pirate dangled from a rope. No, I am not kidding, the owner mounted a fake pirate in his condo, and yes, he had a cutlass glued between its barred teeth (I promise to post a picture as soon as they are developed). We spent Sunday and Monday by the pool, biking around the island, and wandering up and down Duvall Street (Key West’s “main strip”) peering into art shops and drinking at various bars. It was quite a bit of fun and very relaxing. On Tuesday we went snorkeling, an activity that I have always wanted to do. We left around four in the afternoon and snorkeled for about two hours. It was so cool. Apparently quite a bit of fish feed at that time during the evening, so we saw all types of fish including a few barracuda and some nurse sharks (we didn’t see any other types of shark…much to my disappointment). I have always been a fairly good swimmer (I swam competitively in high school) so I found snorkeling and free diving quite easy and natural. It was neat diving amongst the coral and coming within inches of so many different kinds of fish. I swear that one swam up to me and said “glub” but when I attempted further communication I swallowed quite a bit of seawater and had to retreat to the surface. After a couple hours in the Ocean everyone boarded the boat, the bar opened, and we crowded around the outside rails to watch the sunset. It was pretty breathtaking. I used this time to strike up conversations with several pretty girls that were on the boat because I am a dog. I ended up spending the rest of the evening bar hopping around the island with them, which was a more than enjoyable. The rest of the time in Key West was pretty much a blur. We rented wave runners on Wednesday. After we finished we whipped some locals at volleyball, actually, my sister whipped the locals, all that I had to do was spike the damn ball. On Thursday we snorkeled at a different location and then we left Henry’s place for Key Largo. I guess I’ll end my entry here for today. Tomorrow or the following day I’ll write about Key Largo and South Beach…which should be a bit more humorous than Key West (which was too fun to be funny).

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Monday, June 7, 2004

Holiday Road Part 1 Returning to work after nearly two weeks of vacation really, really, really sucks. However, I couldn’t have asked for a better, more eventful vacation. I had such a blast that I thought I would write about it here (and simultaneously bore all of you to tears). After a blessedly uneventful, quick flight I arrived to a hot, humid Carolina summer day. Since I am often sequestered in an automobile or at an office desk, and since the weather in North East Ohio is atrocious (and that is a generous statement) my body took several minutes to soak in the pleasant rays of sunshine. I arrived home, gave a quick hello to my parents, grandparents, and various other family members, then I commandeered an automobile and drove two hours to nearby Raleigh. The ride was traffic laden but Absolution, Rocket, and Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots all helped to ease my angst. One of my good friends resides in Raleigh, and we had planned for some ritual male bonding. In other words, we fired up his enormous chrome gas grill, chilled a couple cases of beer and several bottles of booze, and “had us” a good, old fashioned cook out. Although I have stated that I am a poor cook on several occasions, I was really just lying. If there is a large group and a hot grill I can cook very well, and my friend (who some of you may remember as RUGBYGOD on OB) is equally adept. We prepared a feast. We grilled about ten pounds or so of salmon with a pepper crusted rub, mashed quite a few potatoes, lightly grilled several bunches of asparagus, tossed a huge mixed green salad with pecans, strawberries, and a raspberry vinaigrette dressing, and (of course) mixed a huge bowl full of my special summer punch (Corona, vodka, lime, and sprite…guaranteed to send you to the hospital). Friends and cronies dropped by and we ate, drank and made general merriment until about 10:30pm. That is when we decided to go bar hopping. I decided I would go light on the booze, partly because I had to wake up early and drive to my parent’s house, but mostly because I had spent well over two hundred dollars on dinner food and booze earlier that day. My decision was very fickle. Friends and random people kept buying me drinks, so I continued to drink. Around midnight or so my buddy and I accidentally separated from the rest of our group. I fell into a conversation with a guy that claimed to be from Scotland. As inebriated as I was, I was not easily fooled. Instantly the drunkard displayed three signs suggesting that he was not from Scotland. First, he would not join me in the Scottish tradition of drinking grotesquely dark ale or tart whiskey. Second, his accent was over the top and several times he used the expression “y’all”. Finally, he said that he hailed from Dublin, Scotland. “But HC, Dublin is in Ireland not Scotland!” Exactly. Obviously I countered his false statements by claiming that I was from Dublin, Ireland. My accent was only slightly better than his but within fifteen minutes I not only made him admit that he wasn’t Scottish, but I had him introducing me to his cohorts as a real “Irishman”. Two o’clock, last call for alcohol in the great state of North Carolina. My friend and I took a cab back to his abode. The cab driver, however, attempted to swindle us so we bailed half way and refused to pay him any of the fare. He was pissed and swore at us in some foreign language. We were pissed and swore back in English. It was a memorable ride. Instead of walking the remaining two miles home we decided it was a good time to brush up on our grappling skills. We wrestled for two hours until we were bloodied and broken then hobbled the remaining distance home. It was a blast. I woke early the following morning miraculously hang over free. I guess I sweated out all of the poison during my friendly wrestling match the night before. My body, however, felt like it was crushed by a school bus, a definite by-product of my friendly wrestling match. My car ride back to my folk’s house was uneventful and I passed the time by listening to old Richard Pryor stand up. I arrived, showered, and was ready to go by the time my sister’s graduation began. It was a beautiful ceremony. Except for the fact that the microphones were not working and no one besides the students were able to hear the entire ceremony. Oh, and during the video montage the image was not flush with the screen so every seniors head was cut off. Otherwise it was magnificent…did I mention that a student tripped going up the stage to receive their diploma? It was hilarious, unless you were that student, then it was just embarrassing. So those were the first two days of my vacation. There is quite a bit more, perhaps I will write more about it tomorrow. Perhaps not.

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Wednesday, May 26, 2004

Relax I officially go on vacation in twenty-two minutes. Obviously I have nothing worthwhile to talk about, nor do I feel like talking shit about anyone. However, I do feel like drinking a nice, cold beer. Maybe tonight I’ll go out and get absolutely shit-faced. Then I can check into the Betty Ford clinic. Right now checking into clinics is uber-posh, and we all know that trendy-ness transcends godliness. I also have an incredible desire to enter a twelve step program. When they pass around the stick and I get a chance to talk I am going to confess my horrible addiction to watching Brittney Spears videos all the way through. Jebus, I hate when they get stuck in your head, it is worse then swallowing a bag of broken glass (which I strongly advise against). Anyway, peace out “O”-town, I’ll holla back in a few weeks.

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Friday, May 21, 2004

TALKING SMACK 2 Ted Kennedy "Do we operate under a system of equal justice under law? Or is there one system for the average citizen and another for the high and mighty?"—Ted Kennedy Teddy, my boy, you are living proof that America has two systems of Justice. The first system is for poor average Joes like yours truly. The other, much more exclusive, system is reserved for the mega rich and famous. This elite system has allowed the Kennedy family to do pretty much whatever they wished, yet only Ted Kennedy seems to have taken full advantage of his family’s clout. My biggest problem with Ted Kennedy isn’t that he is a fuck-up. I mean, I am a fuck-up and quite a few of my friends are fuck-ups, so I am not going to be hypocritical. My problem with Teddy-oh is that despite all of his faults, he is re-elected into office year after year. So I thought the best way to talk some smack about Ted Kennedy would be to point out all the stupid and horrible things he has done over the years. During his sophomore year at Harvard, Teddy was expelled for cheating on a Spanish exam. Ted allegedly paid a friend to take the test for him, hoping the teacher wouldn’t notice. Obviously the professor wasn’t stupid, a rarity among Harvard faculty. After his expulsion from Harvard, Teddy enlisted in the army…without reading his enlistment papers. Fortunately his Father was able to shorten his son’s four year service commitment to a two year commitment. During his time in law school Ted was fined for reckless driving three times. In one instance he attempted to elude a police officer by flipping off his lights and parking at a nearby house. Then, as the officer approached the car, Ted tried to hide on the floor board of the car. Obviously he was spotted. Despite his multiple citations, Teddy-oh never lost his license. In July 1969, Kennedy killed a woman. Oh, it’s true, it is damn true. After a long night of drinking and partying, Teddy (married) and Mary Jo Kopechne (single) drove off together in Kennedy’s car. The two birds were so love struck (or drunk) that Teddy managed to drive them off of a bridge. Ted managed to escape the accident but failed to report it to the police until the following morning. Mary Jo Kopechne was thought to have remained alive for over two hours, trapped in the sunken car. If Ted had reported the accident immediately there is a good chance the woman’s life could have been saved. I could continue discussing Kennedy’s problems with alcohol, allegations of affairs with a minor, and disturbingly contradictory voting record, but nothing will top the fact that he knowingly let a person die! In all honesty, I am not nearly as disgusted with Ted Kennedy as I am with the state of Massachusetts. They have elected him into the Senate six times. Six Times! If I was to do the things he did I would be lucky to get hired at a McDonalds! Obviously the occupants of Massachusetts have been tripping on acid for the last 36 years. No wonder other countries find America’s political system to be a joke. I mean, even I find it hysterical that ass-clowns like Teddy Kennedy can get elected.

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Thursday, May 20, 2004

TALKING SMACK 1 Jeneane Garofalo I think someone forgot to tell Jeneane Garofalo that comedy was supposed to be funny. Early in her career her standup had some semblance of satire and occasionally hinted at humor. Her performances on both the Ben Stiller Show and the Larry Sanders Show were slightly better than mediocre. However, when the offbeat comic took her shtick to SNL, millions upon millions of people realized that she was nothing more than a coffee shop comic mingling with the big leaguers. After writing several pathetic sketches and poorly imitating dozens upon dozens of characters, Garofalo decided to demean Adam Sandler stating that his humor was “childish”. Granted, Adam Sandler’s humor is childish, but it is also very funny. This statement is the equivalent of the high-school nerd stating that they don’t find the obviously gorgeous prom queen the least bit pretty. After her abrupt departure from SNL, Jeneane made several really stellar movies, and by “stellar” I mean “how the hell did this movie not go straight to video”. She also gained the reputation as a horrible whiner, constantly bitching and moaning about previous employers. Unfortunately Hollywood execs still hire her. For a brief period of time (from the time Mystery Men was released until a few months ago) my life was blessedly Garofalo free. My bliss was not to last. Much to my chagrin, Janeane earned the ninety-ninth spot on Comedy Central’s 100 Greatest Stand-Up Comedians list. While I do understand Comedy Central may have had a quota of female stand-ups to fill, there are several chic comedians that would have been better selections than Jeneane. For example, Laura Kightlinger, another SNL alum, is actually funny (an important asset for many comedians) and doesn’t have the habit of forgetting her entire set moments before she goes on stage. Several days after witnessing this gross injustice, Garofalo appeared on my favorite television program, The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. It was during this appearance that Garofalo gave the most hypocritical interview that I have ever seen. First, she criticized people involved in politics for being too polarized on key issues, and then she went on to say that “voting for Bush is a character flaw”. Now I am not saying you should vote for Bush (who will be on this list) and I am not saying you shouldn’t vote for Bush. I am simply stating that anyone that makes a broad, hypocritical remark like that is an asshole. Not only is she an asshole, she is a bitchy asshole. And we all know what to do when our assholes are bitchy. We drown them in Pepto Bismol. You know what would be funny, Jeneane Garofalo smothered to death in a vat of Petpo Bismol. That would be pay-per-view funny.

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Sunday, May 16, 2004

More Free Flowing Thoughts Working on the weekend is not the least bit fun especially after you have acclimated yourself to a normal Monday through Friday job. Then again work is very rarely fun, hence its title: “work”. Anyway, just because I am at work doesn’t necessarily mean I am going to do work. Let’s face it boys and girls and every thing in between (what? you thought I would forget my ever growing transvestite fan group?) I am a lazy person. Oh it is true, it is damn true! Actually, I am not a lazy person. I tend to accomplish quite a bit more in a day than the average Joe. My problem stems from my inability to focus on a single thought for more than a few brief moments. In other words, I am distracted by shiny objects (silverware has always been a nuisance). At one time I thought I had adult ADD so I went to the doctor to get some medication. Although I would never take medication to alleviate something as trivial as my short attention span, I would definitely sell my prescribed drugs to burn out high school kids for a couple bucks. Unfortunately (or fortunately, if you are viewing it from a legal view point), the doctor refused to prescribe me any medication. I blame the government. Speaking of the government, the United States Presidential election is creeping up on America. I am still undecided about who to vote for in the upcoming election, mainly because I think both candidates suck. However, I recently found myself unable to adequately express why I am unable to reach a decision, so I created the following analogy. Imagine being stuck in a room full of famished people attempting to decide what to order on a take out pizza. Unfortunately, the room is split between ordering green peppers or anchovies on the pizza, neither of which you find terribly appetizing. Recently you have eaten way too many green peppers, a vegetable that you didn’t really enjoy before they over saturated your diet. Not only are you sick of the way green peppers taste, but they tend to disagree with your digestive system. Anchovies, however, have never graced one of your pizza pies. This is mainly due to the fact that you find slimy, canned fish to be a horrible addition to a cheesy tomato and dough filled meal. Sure, several of your friends sing the praises of the salty fish, but they are all friends that ingest odd types of tofu based food and rave about the smoothness of bean curd paste. What you really want on your pizza is sausage, a spicy meat that is sure to appease everybody’s palate. However, the only pizza place that is open either doesn’t offer sausage or does not advertise the fact that they provide sausage as pizza topping. So when it comes time to vote on which topping the group is going to end up ordering, you don’t raise your hand. After all, you are just going to pick the shit off when you get your slice of the pizza. And that is my thoughts on this year’s election. I just bought a Butterfinger from the vending machine downstairs. As I was opening the wrapper I noticed that they are running a contest wherein a winner will be able to go on tour with Simple Plan. So I closed my eyes, crossed my fingers and slowly unwrapped the candy bar, gently tearing so I wouldn’t rip the cover. I opened my eyes and to my good fortune I found that I had not won the contest. Thank goodness I don’t have to listen to that shitty band day in and day out. Oh well, that is it for today.

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Friday, May 7, 2004

Stop Screwing Around! This seems a wee bit better, but it looks awfully familiar...sort of like James' site. :)

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Tuesday, May 4, 2004

Free Flowing Thoughts It is 10:16pm and my head hurts. The incessant whirring of my computer melds and buzzes, distracting me from forming the simplest of sentences. I shall persevere! The sudden urge to rip off my shirt and yell freedom at the top of my lungs is overwhelming. Then I remember that as a young man uncertain about religion I am no longer allowed to like Mel Gibson. It is too bad that he couldn't have made "The Passion of the Road Warrior", now that would have been biblical. For a second a brief biblical joke tugged at the corner of my mind, but a Bailey's Irish Cream commercial interrupted it with its smooth, creamy goodness. That reminds me, I haven't smoked pot for well over a year, if I had some right now I would probably smoke it. Pot is good, unless you don't smoke pot. Then you are probably not fond of it. Speaking of pot, I was in the bookstore tonight reading TPB's (trade paper backs for you non-pot smoking anti-fan boys) and drinking a tall cafe mocha when I stumbled upon "The Sentry". If you like comics you owe it to yourself to read this book. If you don't like comics then you won't be fond of it. Kind of like pot. Speaking of pot yet again, I realized a few days ago that Mother's Day is on Friday. If I had been smoking pot I may not have remembered that. I bought my mother a card but I haven't bought her a gift yet. Maybe I will just hold off getting her a gift until I go to their house in May. It is really odd referring to my old dwelling ground as "their house". I don't even have a room anymore, I guess I am all growed up. I certainly don't feel grown up. Actually, rarely do I feel older than twelve. Maybe I'll never grow up, which would be good. If I did I couldn't be a Toy's R Us Kid. Charles, Tony, D'Anne, and Alex are all online right now. Sara was online a second ago, but she is away now. It is odd how many people I know by name on the OB now, I should know more though. By the way Raiha, I am sorry if I didn't spell your name correctly. Speaking of people on the internet, Adam signed my guest book the other day. ASDF. I didn't know what it meant so I asked Charles. He was clueless, or maybe he knew and didn't want to tell me...sly Charles. So I asked Tony, who I always refer to as Semjaza Azazel (with the exception of this post) and he knew. Does my site bore you Adam? Am I a tedious entity that is sucking the life out of the Otaku community? Probably. Or were you just so bored that you thought you would visit my little old web site, huh? Is the creator really so cruel? ...runs off crying comes back Obviously Charles had to follow Adam's lead. Poser. Oh well, I just lost my train of anti-thought. Until next time.

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Monday, April 26, 2004

Per Request, Random Thoughts

1. Recently there has been quite a bit of foreign press stating that America is an imperialistic empire in denial. Personally, I think the United States is handling this press the wrong way. Instead of vehemently denying these allegations the US should embrace it and start taxing the hell out of these SOBs. 2. Billy Joel was in his third car accident in two years recently after he slammed into a house. If you were Billy Joel what would you tell your friends about that accident? “Dude, the house came out of nowhere. One second the road was empty, I blinked, and all of a sudden I was in someone’s living room.” 3. I can believe that it isn’t butter, what I cannot believe is that Fabio makes more money than I do. Stupid long, luxurious hair… 4. Saturday was an incredibly spectacular day. The sky was blue, the cherry blossoms are in bloom, and the wind was soft and warm. I sat outside on my front porch for three or four hours and played my guitar. At some point a couple walking along the sidewalk stopped and listened for a moment. Then the husband (or who I assume was the husband) said, “You play the guitar, huh?” Obviously I do… 5. I have noticed that quite a few people name their canine companions “Butch” or “Killer” despite their pooch’s pathetic size and lovable demeanor. I have decided to do the inverse. I am going to by a massive hulk of a dog that is incredibly ill tempered and name it “Sweetie Pie”. 6. Keith Richards is still alive proving indefinitely that some STD’s actually prolong life. 7. Yyyeeeahhhhaaahhh! 8. Sorry, that was my pathetic attempt at impersonating Little John. 9. I realized the other day that I hate white people. The cracker-ass devils have been oppressing minorities for far too long. Obviously this new found hatred makes it very difficult to look at myself in the mirror. 10. Break it down! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! Stop! Hammer Time. No, MC Hammer (or Hammer as he is called now) still has not made a comeback but my parachute pants and I are waiting in nervous anticipation.

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Saturday, April 17, 2004

Fuck Yoda

Until ten minutes ago Yoda had a reserved platform on my pedestal. Then I finished watching Kill Bill. I think that Pei Mey just usurped Yoda's prestige. I no longer care for the force, I dream only of gouging out a foul mouthed blonde's eye with the mere twitch of my finger. Phrases like "strong the force is in you" have been replaced by vulgar profane words like "cunt" and "bitch". I am not writing this brief blurb to squabble over whether or not you enjoyed Kill Bill. I really could care less (although if you frown upon the movie you are a fuck-wad). However, I thought that everyone should know that Pei Mey would whip Yoda' ass....

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