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Sunday, December 7, 2003




Well, in case anyone still occasionally comes here I thought I would let you know that I am going to change the formats a bit, and use the blog for a purpose rather than a bizarre journal. I do have a request, if you can think of any random situations or questions please post them in the comment box. I would like to use them for a new idea I have.

Any way, I liked this quiz so ta-dah!


Anathros
You are ANATHROS! Designed by sword designer
extraordinare Kit Rae, Anathros as one freakin'
cool looking sword. It's not only medieval
looking, but it's light and quick. Congrats!


What sword are you?
brought to you by Quizilla



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Friday, December 5, 2003


Oh, the Weather Outside is Frightful



I opened my door to a small mountain of snow today, a shock that I was ill prepared for. A winter Scrooge I am not, usually snow fills me with a wonderment and joy equal that of a five year old discovering a quarter in place of a tooth nestled beneath his pillow. However, lacking an automobile that easily plows through snow and ice, I was forced to shovel my drive way.

If I owned a snow shovel this would not be a daunting task, but the closest thing to a snow shovel that I possess is a gardening spade which was left by a previous tenant. Obviously a driveway congested by snow cannot be conquered with such a meager instrument so I searched the depths of my basement for a more appropriate tool. It was in the dank cobwebbed laden cellar (I really need to give it a good cleaning) that I found my makeshift Excalibur leaning against a shadowed corner. I lugged my newly found weapon, a large push broom with tattered and sparse bristles, out into the swirling snow.

I managed to disburse and displace enough of the snow to slide my snow capped, fire engine red chariot from the driveway. The roads were eerily clear as I made my way to work, yet the storm rages on even now, and I can only imagine how snow laden my drive way will be when I arrive home this evening.



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Monday, December 1, 2003


update



After an incredibly relaxing long weekend in North Carolina, I have decided that Thanksgiving is slowly catching up to Christmas as my favorite holiday. I got to spend the long five day weekend with my parents and my sister, which was very cool. I had a really good time, and it was nice getting away from the computer and the phone for a few days.

On Saturday my dad, my sister, and I went to a local sporting clay facility. If you have never shot sporting clays I defiantly recommend it. It is like golf with a shotgun. You walk around a course stopping at various stations to shoot at clay traps. The traps are at various distances and angled in odd ways to make the course unique and challenging. The shooter (I am sure there is a more technical term, but I am not an avid “shooter” so I am unfamiliar with the sports lingo) earns points by doing the obvious, shooting the clays. It turned out that my little sister, who has only fired a shotgun once before, had the best aim. She beat my dad and me handily, only missing 8 of the 56 clays that we shot.

Well, I hope that everyone that celebrates Thanksgiving had a good one. Only a month now until Christmas and more vacation time!


Edit: We are supposed to get eight inches of snow today, and it is already coming down quite hard...I sure hope my little red Saturn will manage...



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Monday, November 24, 2003


I Feel Just Ever So



Wooohooo! I just got a raise, I just got a raise! I am incredibly stoked (yes I wrote stoked, my wannabe surfer dialect is in full swing write now).

A few minutes ago my boss snuck up behind me while I was talking to a customer. In a very somber tone he asked me to see him in his office when I got a moment. I gulped nervously. I was pretty sure that, to quote the vernacular, “the jig was up” and they had discovered my internet indiscretions. Nope! They are still in the grey and I am $4000 a year richer (which still means I am poor, just $4000 poorer).

Anyway, to celebrate, I thought I would post some Random Thoughts

1. Imagine if the Blue fairy came and transformed my Lego dog into living Lego dog! Wouldn’t that be cool? If for some reason I wanted a cat one day, all I would have to do is rearrange a few pieces!

2. If Gary Coleman and Emmanuel Lewis were to fight would the outcome truly matter? I don’t think so, although I do think it would be funny if Gary Coleman made Emmanuel Lewis his bitch…

3. I don’t recommend talking to police officers after you ate three helpings of psychedelic brownies…

4. Is there anything more glorious than a man with a mullet?

5. I’ll be damned if I am going to drive annoyingly slow when I am old! I will develop a lead foot and a half and play Evil Kneivel with my gigantic Buick. That’s right junior; that was me leaping that car carrier on I-40…

6. Hypothetically speaking, if you were a cannibal do you think people would taste like their ethnicity?

7. I wonder if people with WWJD stickers on their car ever ponder that question while having sex just so it will prolong the experience. I know I would…

8. Arnold Schwarzenegger has only been the governor of California for a short time, however, futuristic Robot and Alien attacks are already down a ten-fold

9. I am Batman

10. No really, I am. Just not the cool Batman from the Tim Burton movies or the Frank Miller comics. I am more of a cross between Adam West’s portrayal of Batman and the Batman featured on the Super Friends cartoon.



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Wednesday, November 19, 2003


I am Gangsta!...well, not really



I am really angry at my parents (well, not both of them, just my mother) right now, so I think that instead of ranting on and on in an angry, insane, asinine manner I’ll post some Random Thoughts

1. I want to become a professional wrestler just so I can use my ultimate finishing move “the annoying finger”. “The annoying finger” is comprised of me pinning down my opponent’s shoulders and then repeatedly tapping them on the forehead with my index finger while chanting “You want me to stop, but I’m not gonna”. I have done this to friends and family many times and all of my victims have agreed that, although the move is not painful, it is painfully annoying.

2. I think that I could be a vegetarian if steak, chicken, and fish were considered vegetables.

3. I think I am going to sue the American Dental Association for allowing misrepresentation; wisdom teeth don’t make you wiser…they are just make o annoyed.

4. I only eat the crust from stuffed crust pizza; I send the rest to Ethiopia via USPS.

5. I don’t understand why people get mad at me when I make fun of Christopher Reeve. If he didn’t want me to make fun of him he shouldn’t have such an ironic disability.

6. I don’t understand why people find the show “Wild Boyz” funny. I tie fishing lines from my genitals and troll for tarpon all the time and no one video tapes me. Actually I’ve been repeatedly arrested for it under the cruelty to animals act.

7. I didn’t realize that you could still be excommunicated from the Catholic Church until I sprayed the pope with mace. Hey, Jeanie Boy, no means no!

8. My thoughts on prostitution follow George Carlin logic: “If selling is legal, and fucking is legal, how come selling fucking isn’t legal? How can it be illegal to sell something that you can give away for free?”

9. There really wasn’t a point to number eight, I just wanted to blatantly flaunt the word “fuck”.



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Monday, November 17, 2003


Counting Candy



Well, I have been trying to decide what to write about today, my weekend was quite eventful. I halted a robbery, accidentally broke my friend’s fake Christmas tree, and almost slept with a thirty-four year old woman (an attractive 34 year old woman). But, instead, I decided I would talk about pez.

Perhaps the most marvelous invention of all time, the pez candy dispenser is a proud staple of Americana (even though I am not sure if it was invented in America). I have been inadvertently collecting pez dispensers for several years now. I say “inadvertently” because I have never bought a pez dispenser, nor did I ever intend to collect them. At one point in my life I think a conspiratorial group, most likely led by my mother (hi Mom!), decided that it would be a good idea that I start receiving these dispensers. Boy do I have a lot of them! Two-hundred and sixty eight to be exact, although one-hundred and thirty five of these are duplicates, which is a lot of pez. My collection has grown so large that my mom bought me an antique glass medical cabinet to display them in when I moved to Ohio.

Yes, I have a pez display case in my apartment. Yes, every time someone comes over I am forced to explain my massive collection of candy dispensers. No, my pez collection has never inspired a woman to make love to me. No, I don’t give the candy to soup kitchens.



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Thursday, November 13, 2003


Conversation Pieces



Okay, I've decided to post an AIM conversation. Sorry that I conformed in such an obvious manner...


ShadowedCloudX: I pity the fool that attempts to further his political propaganda by further besmirching my charecter
ShadowedCloudX: suka
ElCrazyWhiteBoy: whoa that sounded better than my boolvian operators thing
ShadowedCloudX: no, the Bolivian operator was a classic
ShadowedCloudX: I have it saved on my desktop
ElCrazyWhiteBoy: lol, I actually bought an A-Team shirt the next day that says "I pity the fool."
ShadowedCloudX: that kicks my "Pooty-Tang" T-shirts ass
ShadowedCloudX: heh
ShadowedCloudX: Have you ever seen Eddie Murphy "Delerious"
ElCrazyWhiteBoy: Nope. I never even heard of it
ShadowedCloudX: Oh, man...you HAVE to rent it. It is hysterical, it was made in the early eighties...y'know when Eddie Murphy was still funny...anyway he does a great segment about how his worst fear is to be locked away with a gay Mr. T
ElCrazyWhiteBoy: Yeah man, that was during his BH Cop days.
ShadowedCloudX: no this is actually pre-BH cop
ElCrazyWhiteBoy: Now the only place we can find funny Eddy Murphy is Shrek
ElCrazyWhiteBoy: ooh vintage
ShadowedCloudX: yeah, if you can't find it let me know...i have a really crappy filmed version and I'll send it to you...it is a MUST see
ElCrazyWhiteBoy: I wonder if it's on DVD. heh
ShadowedCloudX: IT IS
ShadowedCloudX: I have decided that I must kidnap an Olson twin
ShadowedCloudX: it is my new get rich quick scheme
ElCrazyWhiteBoy: Nah, they're not worth anything anymore
ElCrazyWhiteBoy: Kidnap one of Michael Jackson's giraffes.
ShadowedCloudX: nah, they have been violated one too many times
ElCrazyWhiteBoy: What about that Haley Joel Osmont
ShadowedCloudX: Nah, he freaks me out...he reminds me of the next Macauly Caulkin
ElCrazyWhiteBoy: Or Jonathan Taylor Thomas
ElCrazyWhiteBoy: Gary Coleman is the only one that still rocks
ShadowedCloudX: Gary Coleman, now that is an idea
ElCrazyWhiteBoy: I think I'll have to post pictures of him up.
ShadowedCloudX: I wonder if anyone would pay money to get him back though
ShadowedCloudX: maybe they'll pay me to kil him?
ShadowedCloudX: that would be win win
ElCrazyWhiteBoy: What you talkin bout willis?
ElCrazyWhiteBoy: Why'd you want to kill such an adorable mascot?
ShadowedCloudX: well, think about how funny Adam Sandler's severe beating were on his first CD
ShadowedCloudX: The killing of Gary Coleman would be a thousand times funier than that
ShadowedCloudX: imagine telling Gary Coleman that you were going to have him drawn and quatered
ShadowedCloudX: his expression would be pricless
ShadowedCloudX: even better put him and William Shattner on an island and have them hunt each other for sport
ElCrazyWhiteBoy: I think this could be a good reality television show
ShadowedCloudX: yeah, kidnap a bunch of pathetic, starving actors, leave them on an island, and equip them with nothing but sporks
ShadowedCloudX: it genius
ShadowedCloudX: I bet we could sell the idea to Spike TV
ShadowedCloudX: or at least to Fox
ElCrazyWhiteBoy: lol, did you see Dicky Roberts?
ElCrazyWhiteBoy: It showed a lot of people like this
ShadowedCloudX: no
ElCrazyWhiteBoy: Like screech from saved by the bell and webster
ElCrazyWhiteBoy: Oh man, you break my heart
ShadowedCloudX: I have to see it
ShadowedCloudX: I feel out of the loop
ShadowedCloudX: Screech...have you ever seen the SNL skit where they do the "In the Actor's Room" parodying him
ElCrazyWhiteBoy: Nope. If it's SNL it has to be pretty bad though. haha
ShadowedCloudX: it is horrible in a very funny way
ShadowedCloudX: funny like your boss getting a hernia funny
ElCrazyWhiteBoy: ah, so sadistically satisfying yet disgusting funny
ShadowedCloudX: thats it
ShadowedCloudX: have you ever noticed that fast food expands in your stomach to eight times its original size
ShadowedCloudX: I actually think that is why I like it
ShadowedCloudX: It gives me an excuse to sit on the throne about an hour later
ElCrazyWhiteBoy: well that explains why my stomach always felt like shit when I ate it. lol
ShadowedCloudX: yep...my stomach feels like someone dropped a live armodillo in it and it uncurled when it realized it wasin a safe place
ElCrazyWhiteBoy: lol, now that's an interesting analogy.
ElCrazyWhiteBoy: Although I've never touched a live armodillio
ElCrazyWhiteBoy: or a dead one
ShadowedCloudX: I don't think I have ever seen one outside of a zoo, or the one in my stomack
ShadowedCloudX: stomach
ElCrazyWhiteBoy: I wonder if they bite
ShadowedCloudX: flesh eating armadillos?
ElCrazyWhiteBoy: Yes
ElCrazyWhiteBoy: They're not unheard of
ShadowedCloudX: sounds like a good idea for a B-rated horror flick
ElCrazyWhiteBoy: And the burrow into your stomach
ShadowedCloudX: so thats what happened? I though it was the MacDohs I ate
ElCrazyWhiteBoy: It hid in the Mcdonalds
ShadowedCloudX: I feel oddly relieved
ShadowedCloudX: at least I know my body will be used for a grandiose purpose
ElCrazyWhiteBoy: Aaaaaaand that is? lol
ShadowedCloudX: human extinction silly
ShadowedCloudX: what else do you think the armadillos want
ShadowedCloudX: they want to rule the cosmos
ElCrazyWhiteBoy: To steal our fast food
ShadowedCloudX: my new parasitic friend just poked his head out of my stomach
ShadowedCloudX: he sure is a cute little fellow
ShadowedCloudX: he keeps asking for a Royale with cheese
ShadowedCloudX: obviously he has either watch too much Pulp Fiction or is French Canadian
ElCrazyWhiteBoy: I don't think you want to be the host of a french canadian
ShadowedCloudX: I know, that would be a real downer, all the armadillo would do is smoke cigarettes and bitch about american polotics
ElCrazyWhiteBoy: and eat crappy sauce on its food
ShadowedCloudX: yeah, stupid sauce
ShadowedCloudX: the armadillo wants me to refer to him as Kyldor the Destroyer, but I told him that he was much to cute for that and a better name would be Stoodgey the Flesh Eating Armadillo
ElCrazyWhiteBoy: I think he wants the ring you carry around
ElCrazyWhiteBoy: the one around your neck
ShadowedCloudX: do you mean my penis ring! He can't have that! how would I pleasure the women of the world?
ElCrazyWhiteBoy: That's why he wants it
ElCrazyWhiteBoy: so that you can no longer reproduce
ShadowedCloudX: ahhh...he was being an angry little armadillo so I put next to the train tracks to play
ShadowedCloudX: he loves trying to dodge those trains
ShadowedCloudX: uh-oh looks like the train got him...that'll leave a mark
ElCrazyWhiteBoy: But, his shell is made of steel, I think
ShadowedCloudX: yeah but so was the train, I guess Stoodgey got what he desrves...trying to destroy Heaven's Cloud's cloud
ElCrazyWhiteBoy: I'm sure it planted its eggs in you
ShadowedCloudX: probably, but it wouldn't be the first time a parasitic flesh eating mammal planted eggs in me...there was that incident with the Martian Koala Bears o few years back and we all know how that turned out
ElCrazyWhiteBoy: they defeated you in bloody victory
ShadowedCloudX: yeah it was awful, almost as bad as a gigantic chat of OB members

...headed to briefly chat on AIM with a ton of people nearly as odd as myself...


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Wednesday, November 12, 2003





I tend to analyze my dreams, especially the ones that I remember with vivid clarity. I suppose a psychologist would extrapolate and conclude that I constantly search for my own validity. That my psyche is scared from past indiscretions and, not only do I search for meaning from my dreams, but I use them as a platform to escape reality. I suppose that my family physician would prescribe me Prilosec or advise me to take some Tums to help relieve me of the acid indigestion that is more than likely causing these dreams. But this post is not about my psyche, or about my ulcers, it is about a specific dream.

I was going to begin this paragraph with the cliché “I had a dream” (a play on good Dr. King’s speech) but, if you have read this far, that would have been even more redundant than this sentence. As in most dreams I was awake and I was confident in the reality and actuality of the setting. I found myself in a large, upscale department store, perhaps a Lord and Tailors or maybe a Bloomingdales, when I heard a familiar voice over the loud speaker. Even hours later I can still feel the voice; its tone, perfectly pronounced with the slightest hint of southern, both fills and empties my soul at the same time.

I searched the store for the origin of the voice, looking for a face that I could never fail to recognize. I tumbled through clothing racks and perfume counters, and pushed my way through a sea of people until I reached a clean, white lit checkout counter. The counter was out of place in the store, as out of place as the pearly gates of St. Peter would be if they resided in the heart of a Wal-Mart. She stood at the counter, talking to a customer; her dirty blonde hair was a bobbing mass of curls. I leaned against the counter and smiled a boyish half-smile. She finished with her customer and turned towards me.

“Can I help you?” she asked, innocently. I looked intently into her eyes, searching for some sort of recognition or a glimmer of remembrance.

“Can I help you?” she asked again. I was confused. I wondered why she could not recognize me. Had I changed that much in a few years? And, then as I looked into her I eyes I had an epiphany. She knew exactly who I was. She knew I was in the store when she made the announcement over the loud speaker. She knew that I was looking for her, and that I have been looking for her in countless dreams and dreams within dreams. But she didn’t care.

Inside I crumbled, my whole essence felt suffocated. I released my gaze and muttered an unintelligible mutter, “no, I’m sorry I must have been mistaken.” The dream swirled around me and I awoke, filled with a lingering emptiness.

All morning long I have been pondering what it means. Why would I dream about a girl I was fixated on so intently in high school, yet had really not thought about in years? What was so special about her and about last night?



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Tuesday, November 11, 2003


Read Me, Ya Know You Want To



If you read yesterday’s post, I owe you an apology. It was an embarrassing conglomeration of horrific writing and rambling situations. Unfortunately, it accompanied my mood perfectly. Today I thought I would post some Random Thoughts because I am in a very random mood

1. A guy in my office told me that wrestling was fake last night. I was devastated. I have been a wrestling fan since I was five and I was under the impression that professional wrestling was real and existed in a universe parallel to ours where brawny men settle all their disputes with physicality.

2. MTV finally accepted STAND’s petitions to ban smoking from MTV. In response, I tailed one of their members to a Portuguese cat house where I took pictures of him injecting heroin in his eye and then making love to a cocker-spaniel. But, I guess as long as he refrains from smoking cigarettes he is a morally upstanding citizen.

3. If Christina Aguilera was bald she would be Christina Have-no-hair-a. Okay, I stole that one from Adam Sandler’s MTV Movie Awards acceptance speech for Big Daddy, but it is quite funny.

4. I think that if Eskimos were forced to live on reservations I would visit their casino’s and gamble quite frequently.

5. Do you know that people actually eat tongue? I wonder if it tastes you tasting it…

6. Texas, it is not just a state in America it is a state of stupidity.

7. Why must I bash Texas, you ask? I guess I feel that baseball caps are inferior to their wide brimmed hats and I must compensate by belittling them every chance I get (by the way guys, string ties went out in the...actually they never were fashionable)

8. I scream, you scream, we all scream when a deranged lunatic is chasing us with a machete.

9. I bet you thought that I was going to end the previous rhyme with ice cream. Well you thought wrong! I don’t scream for ice cream, I squeal like an over joyed little girl that just watched a Brittany Spears video.

10. I really don’t have anything else to write, ten just seemed like a healthy even number to end on.

11. I don’t like healthy even numbers…

Shameless Plug: Buy Muse’s album Showbiz. You can find it at Best Buy for $9…it is a great CD, better than the Beta Band!



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Monday, November 10, 2003





The ongoing drama continues. Does Charlie’s mystery friend harbor romantic feelings for him? Or is she still seeing her ugly goombah of a boyfriend? All this and more on the next Sally HC Hoobidyjoop!

I have entangled myself in more drama than I am use too…

Anyway, in true High Fidelity Fashion, my top five worst break ups of all time

Emily- We dated before I moved to Ohio, and when I moved we decided (well I decided and told her) not to have a long distance relationship. She wanted to remain friends, and (stupid me) said that was cool. She called one day and poured her heart out, telling me that she loved me and asking her if she could come and spend part of the summer with me. I told her I didn’t love her and that I was seeing someone else (I wasn’t) and she hung up. She still calls occasionally and hangs up when I answer.

Stephanie- I still don’t know if we were dating. I thought we were, we sure were sleeping together and hanging out quite frequently. I called her two or three times and she never called back. It really wasn’t that bad of a break up, but I was so confused as if we were broken up or not that I ended up not asking out this amazing girl that I am good friends with to this very day (she is dating some guy that I don’t like…although I probably only don’t like him because she is dating him).

Cassandra- I never broke with this girl, but apparently we were in a serious relationship in high school. We went out two times my senior year, and we kissed one time. Apparently she had a boyfriend from another school. So why was this such a horrible break up when we weren’t ever seriously dating? Her boy friend’s friends still attempt to pick fights with me when I happen to run into them in bars or the mall in my home town. Seriously, when I went to NC in August some fat redneck came up to me and said “You are Charlie Schafer, you better watch out or you’re going to get an ass-kicking tonight. You shouldn’t mess around with other people girls”

Cathy- This is the relationship that I regret more than any, mainly because I fucked-up a good thing. I really liked Cathy and we had a ton of fun together. My friends, however, constantly teased me about her (because she had a reputation for being easy), so I broke up with her. We actually are still pretty good friends and she is still dating the same guy she dated after me (sounds like the habits of a girl that is easy, huh)…

Amy- She is the only girl I know of that cheated on me. I worked and dated her when I worked at Abercrombie. How did I find out? Well, a new guy that just started working with me told me that they went out together, took some Ex, and had sex. He didn’t know that I was dating her. I asked her about it and she said it was true and she wasn’t ready for a relationship, but she still wanted to date me. I told her that I really wasn't interested in that type of a relationship, so she spread a rumor around work that I was stealing from Abercrombie. I told my boss what went on between us and she got fired…she also has friends that want to end my life…

Anyway, that was fun for me…kinda like therapy.



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