Friday, October 17, 2003

Constipation

I am really very frustrated right now. A million ideas are criss-crossing through my mind but it seems that every time I put pen to paper, or, more appropriately, fingers to molded plastic keys, I am unable to complete my thoughts. I have so many beginnings without ends and several ends without middles or beginnings (my fortune is that I have no middles that lack beginning or endings). So I write and I save, and I save, and I save, in hopes that one day I’ll be able to complete a thought, complete a project. But my thoughts, just a few days old, have already grown stale, and new, brief, partial ideas keep popping into my mind. The aspect of writer’s block that I find most frustrating is that I never seem capable of capturing the language usage that I intended for a given work, whether it is a short story, an essay, or poetry. Especially poetry. I don’t consider myself to be a good poet, or even aptly proficient at the art, but I do enjoy playing with words and phrases. I tend to write poetry in the same manner that I hold a conversation, in an incredibly sporadic, spontaneous manner. So when I have writer’s block it isn’t only my writing that suffers but my ability to converse with other people. I know that seems very odd, but, as many of you have probably guessed, I am a pretty odd individual. To break this plague, this curse of curses I have been IM’ing people quite randomly, and attempting to engage them in all manner of conversation. If you receive one of these eccentric IM’s don’t be alarmed, and I apologize in advance. If you have already received one of these blatantly bizarre IM’s, I am sorry…unless you are Sara, who still refuses to answer the most common of questions.

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Thursday, October 16, 2003

vulgar

Teddy Bear I thought this was hilarious and deserved its own post...

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Tuesday, October 14, 2003

(no subject)

I am writing this post on a laptop I managed to salvage from my uncle. It is an outdated model, but I think that it was probably outdated when it was made. The screen is absolutely horrible, and I can barely read a thing that I have written, yet I am still thankful to have something to write with at home besides the old fashioned pencil and paper. Anyway, here are my Random Thoughts for whatever day I end up posting this.... 1. Have you ever wondered what life would be like if people had three arms instead of two? I haven’t. 2. You might as well do drugs, there is no way that you are not going to be a hypocritical parent. 3. I don’t think that enough professional wrestlers have won Oscars, actually I don’t think that any wrestles have ever one an Oscar. Conspiracy...I think so... 4. If you smoke a cigarette you are supporting terrorism, you probably have herpes, and you could spontaneously combust at any moment. 5. For the love of god, why won’t Texas secede from the Union? 6. I don’t think that all Australian men are like Steve Irwin, just the cool ones. 7. When at a crematorium, try and not confuse the ash tray with a tray of ashes...

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Friday, October 10, 2003

More or Less

Well, I am unable to modify my previous entry, so if you really want to see those pictures go here Any way on to Random Thoughts for 10/10/03 1. It is election season in Ohio and a block away from my house there are people with signs that say “Honk if you support Candidate X”. I find myself in a dilemma when I drive by because the sign doesn’t say what to do if you don’t support the named candidate…should I just run over the people holding the signs? 2. Is it worse to be burned to death or to drown? I tried to find out, but after being burned to death I lacked the motivation to drown myself… 3. I want to get my name in the Guiness Book of World records for having my middle finger extended for an obscene amount of time… 4. I think by ambrosia the gods meant chicken wings 5. I witnessed eighty thirteen year olds dirty dancing to Christina Agularaidon’tknowhowtospellhernam’s Dirty at my cousin’s birthday party last night…further proof that the apocalypse is approaching…. 6. Who cares if KFC cooks mutated chicken-like organisms in their food, it is finger lickin’ good! 7. I am not whipped cream…

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Wednesday, October 8, 2003

Here are some of the wedding pictures I promised...I am using links because I cannot resize them at work... Here is one of my cousins and I (obviously I am the oldest) http://members.aol.com/shadowedcloudx/wedding Here is one of me, my Granny, and my Cousin Chris http://members.aol.com/shadowedcloudx/grandma And here is one with Hulk Hogan...don't I look like a timid, nervous little kid?...I sure felt like it http://www.members.aol.com/shadowedcloudx/hulk

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Have you ever had one of those weekends that is just good? I just got through with enjoying an extraordinary weekend, and I am sitting at my office desk in perfect contentment. This weekend I went to Orlando for my cousin’s (well technically my second cousin) wedding. I flew into Orlando on Saturday morning with my Grandmother and my Uncle and his family. It was beautiful and warm in Orlando, a contrast to the bitter cold of Ohio that we left behind hours before. We left the airport, loaded into a huge rental car and made our way to a magnificent hotel. Arriving several hours before the wedding was to begin, we decided to go out and lay by the pool for a little while. I threw on a pair of green flowered board shorts and some flops and headed into paradise. The pool was incredible, but, despite its tropical grandeur, it was just a backdrop for the hundreds of gorgeous women that were splashing through the water and sunbathing on its ledge. We soon found out that the hotel was hosting a huge model and fashion shoot that weekend. Apparently I stumbled into Eldorado. With reluctance I left the pool to go get ready for the wedding. I wore a black suit and a light pink dress shirt, and I looked very dapper, at least I think I looked dapper. The wedding took place at a hotel in Disney World, at an outside gazebo at sunset. It was a beautiful wedding and my cousin looked breathtaking in her dress. The reception was fun; it had everything that makes weddings enjoyable: good food, good booze, and friends and family. We left the reception late at night and made plans to meet for breakfast before we headed to the Magic Kingdom in the morning. The next morning we made our way to a hotel café that featured a high class breakfast buffet. They had every kind of breakfast food imaginable. I was in the middle of eating a vegetable and ham omelet when I saw my hero standing at a counter. Hulk Hogan. Yes, I met Hulk Hogan when I was in Florida. As a few of you know, I am a huge wrestling fan, and I have been a Hulkamaniac since I was four and saw the behemoth step into the squared circle to wrestle the Million Dollar Man in the Capital Center. Obviously I was star struck. I got my picture taken with him, spoke a few words, and then allowed him to return to breakfast with his family (his daughter is gorgeous). Although nothing topped meeting the Hulkster, I spent the following two days in Orlando enjoying the Magic Kingdom and MGM. I think my three favorite rides were Aerosmith’s Rockin Roller Coaster, the Tower of Terror, and the Buzz Lightyear WhateverthenameofitIcan’tremember ride. It was a great weekend… I’ll post some pictures of my weekend tonight or tomorrow!

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Friday, October 3, 2003

Random Thoughts: 10/3/03 1. Have ever wondered what would happen if you were to shoot the Pilsbury Dough Boy? Would he die or would he make that hi pitched laugh-ish whine-like noise as the bullet bounced of his doughy skin… 2. I think it would be ironic if the comedian Gallagher was beaten to death with a giant mallot. 3. People that get upset about jokes that depict West Virginian as ignorant, inbred morons have obviously never been to West Virginia 4. …and on the eighth day God made Twister but decided to sell it to Parker Brothers in a moment of desperation 5. Police officers will spray you with mace if you are running naked through a shopping mall, wearing a loop, holding an iron, and screaming “but I own Boardwalk!” 6. While huffing industrial markers may give you a buzz, huffing bic pens will only give you a migrane 7. Norm MacDonald said it best “…the worst job ever…crack whore!” 8. Cheeze Whiz is not as appropriate substitute for vegetables…

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Thursday, October 2, 2003

Last night I watched Bill Mahr’s show (I’m not sure what the name of it is…it isn’t Politically Incorrect) on HBO. The show is defiantly a forum for the extreme liberal, however I usually find it quite entertaining and every now and then a good point is made. I had a revelation during their kooky discussions…extremists will use really stupid, illogical points to support their political side. One of the guests, a young comedian, tried to boil it down to simplicity …he said “If the republicans quit pissing the foreign community off we wouldn’t have any foreign problems”. A truer statement has never been told, I really enjoyed those Christmas cards that I received from North Korean Dictator Kim Jong Il (I could have misspelled that one boys and girls) when Clinton was in office. The director of “Bowling for Columbine”, who’s name escapes me, had his panties in a bunch because the company that is creating the new ballot machines supports George Bush. He didn’t think that it was appropriate that a Bush supporter was in charge of this project. So the obvious question is would a person that supports a liberal candidate be more appropriate for the job? The stupidest points I heard came from the world renowned political activist Charles Barkley, who constantly complained that wealthy people were destroying the country. I never realized that Charles Barkley was poor before. I guess NBA Basketball players don’t make much money, and sports broadcast specialists make even less than teachers. I don’t mean to pick solely on the left; the extreme right is just as bad, extreme liberals are just fresh on my bandwagon…

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I think this Quiz turned out the way it did because I enjoy steak… Congratulations! You're a screaming orgasm!! What Drink Are You? brought to you by Quizilla Does anyone find it weird that one of my responses was “I like to be alone” yet I am best represented by a movie in which the main character is desperately searching for a group of characters that he “belongs” with… Lion King! What movie Do you Belong in?(many different outcomes!) brought to you by Quizilla

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Tuesday, September 30, 2003

Random Thoughts for the Day 1. Don’t tell your boss that you refer to the hours that he isn’t in the office as recess. 2. If you are going to moon a nun, at least make sure to wear clean underwear. 3. One out of three doctors suggests shooting heroin to relieve stress…I only polled three doctors and one was a dealer… 4. Drinking Mountain Dew doesn’t cause your penis to shrink, it causes your balls to swell… 5. Don’t whine about your weight problem while you are being transported between the first and second floor of an office building via elevator 6. Eat more chicken, but remember to continue slaughtering cows just to piss off the Chick-fil-a mascots 7. Watching the Real World is the number one cause of suicides in the US

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