Tuesday, February 8, 2005

Thoughts… On the Nifty Fifty… The bummer about this type of thread is that some people make it while other people don’t. That being said, one member, long over due for accolades, finally made the list. That member was Heaven’s Cloud. I can’t tell you how long I, personally, have looked up to HC and I was proud that my quote was the one picked to represent such an awesome guy. On Sara… First she poked fun at me in the Nifty Fifty thread, then she mocked my name in one of my MyOtaku posts! Normally Sara would be the recipient of a nice big can of whoop ass. However, I think she could take me so I will just bite my tongue. On Gwen Stefani’s Solo Career… What kind of sucker would buy this piece of crap? On Steroid use is Major League Baseball… I think that baseball players need to take more steroids. Right now the sport is way to boring, however, by forcing baseball players to take steroids we could add new rules. First, we could make the sport full contact. Imagine a player hitting a line drive and then plowing through the first baseman on the way to second. A rule could also be implemented that a hitter could be tagged out by a thrown ball while he is running the bases. These changes, along with having vicious hungry tigers chained in strategic areas of the outfield, would make the game much more interesting. On Snoop Dogg… Dude, you had a nice run, you made some money, it is time to retire. You are just some middle aged guy that smokes a ton of pot. Stick to movie cameos buddy. On Ending This Entry….

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Monday, February 7, 2005

I hate airlines. Every time I purchase I ticket I feel violated, I feel like the airline has made me its bitch. In a couple weeks I am flying home for my mom’s fiftieth birthday so I went online to check air fare yesterday. The fare was pretty low when I checked around noon, about $140 or so. However, because I was at the office, I waited until I arrived back at my house before I booked the flight. Big mistake, by four pm the price for my airline ticket jumper from $140 to $217. I couldn’t think of a single logical explanation as to why there was a seventy dollar price increase in the space of four hours, so I called USAir and asked them why there was such a sudden shift in price. They answered my question with a question, “Well sir, don’t you find that rate comparable to similar flights on other airlines?” No. I don’t. Here are the reasons why. First and foremost, USAir sucks. The planes that commute between Pittsburgh and Greensboro are some of the smallest, sketchiest planes that I have ever flown on (I do fly quite regularly, I find myself on a plane at least once a month or so) and they offer the passenger the least amount of space possible without requiring them to be an amputee. Second, there I have no basis of comparison for pricing a flight between Pittsburgh and Greensboro because USAir is the only airline that offers the flight. So what am I supposed to compare prices to? I can fly roundtrip to Chicago or New York for $120, however, I cannot fly to Australia for under $300 so I guess I am getting a bargain flying to Greensboro as opposed to Melbourne (although I am definitely getting screwed on a per mile ratio). Finally, USAir sucks, wait didn’t I write that already? Yes I did, but it needed to be reiterated. USAir is a usually a great airline if I have nothing better to do the day that I am traveling than searching for my baggage or waiting in the terminal for a flight that should have boarded an hour earlier. Yeah, so fuck USAir. Fuck ‘em in the ass with a twenty pound dildo made from a piece of concrete that was excavated from a run down 7/11 parking lot (oh thank heaven).

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Sunday, February 6, 2005

Here is a weekend questionnaire stolen from Sarah’s website and modified a bit so that I am not talking about my hetero life mate. His name: Anything that doesn’t sound like a stripper name. I don’t think I could ever take a “Candy” seriously. Hair Color: Nothing says “class” like a really bad dye job, especially that bleach blond that looks more tangerine than gold…that is sooo attractive. Hair Style (long, short, bowl cut, cornrows, etc): Girls with cornrows are sexy. Actually they aren’t…at all. As long as their hair suits their face I’m cool. Eye color: I really don’t care, I just hate when girls have really big, watery eyes. They make me think of my fiend’s pug that always would get disgusting goop in its eyes. Age: I like high school girls, cause “I keep getting older and they stay the same age”. Nah, I have a four year rule either way. Height: As long as they are shorter than I am yet not a midget we are cool. I don’t want to be that guy with the freakishly tall girlfriend that looms over him in a crowd. Breast Size: A little bit is nice, but I am not a big fan of large saggy breasts…they remind me of cat toys. Body build: I like athletic girls. It doesn’t matter if they have a little extra weight, just an overall healthy look is nice. Ethnicity: If I’ll eat your countries native food then you are datable. Glasses? Only if they are sexy glasses Piercings? Only if they are sexy piercings. Chest hair? Only if it is sexy…wait a minute, chest hair on a girl would never be sexy! That would be really, really gross. Big ol booty? or no? “As long as I can hit it I don't really care”--Arcadia Label: “Sugar Mamma” Her Mind: As long as she is A) not dumb and B) knows that she doesn’t know everything about everything we are cool. In school? Or finished, or independently wealthy. What does she want be/do when she grows up? An astronaut? Can she speak another language, if yes what? She can at least swear like a sailor, but only does so in appropriate situations or when it is funny Can she read music? It isn’t vital. Can she read guitar tabs? If you can’t at least learn to read guitar tabs you are fucking idiot. Can she play guitar? It would be cool if she could, although I do hate when girls say they can play the guitar and it turns out that they meant they could play “Free Falling” by Tom Petty. Piano? That would be pretty awesome. We could start a band. The drums? See above. Some other instrument? Sure, music is awesome. Can she write music? It would be cool if she could write good music. It would suck if she wrote crappy, trite songs and made me listen to them and took it very seriously. Will she write songs about you? Only about my prowess in bed Will she write poems about you? Only about my prowess in bed Will she be artistic in some way? Sure, as long as it extends to her prowess in bed Will she "blind you with science?": Well sure, in the metaphorical sense, although the literal sense is more likely to occur. Many a woman has given me a good dousing of mace. Party hopper or stay at home? It'd be cool to date a woman that gets dressed really sexy to go out but, because she looks so incredible and irresistible, we always end up missing the parties because we are having incredible sex. Straight A student or Drop out?: The smarter the better. Does she have a best friend? Probably. Is it you? I hope not, I don’t want to be her crutch. Is she straight or bi? I don’t like bisexuals, they need to pick a team and stick with it. Religious? what type? I don’t really care as long as they don’t try to push their beliefs onto me. Virgin? till marriage or till "the right time"? Virgin..heh, that’s a laugh. Should she be able to bake or cook? It would be nice. She should at least be able to follow a recipe. I mean, if you can’t follow a recipe what good are you? Is it okay for her to have a lot of guy pals? I don’t care, as long as they aren’t trying to cock-block me we’ll be kosher. Out-going or shy?: A little of both. I like aggressive girls, as long as they have a moderate amount of tact and manners. Should she watch chick-flicks?: I guess, that is the nature of the “chic”-flick. Would he be a smoker?: No. Drinking?: Yeah, but her crazy stage would be over by now. Cursing? I already wrote about this. Does she play football(US)? Yeah, she can play with the guys but doesn’t take it too seriously. Soccer? Soccer players are usually pretty hot, so why not? Baseball? No, baseball is a pretty boring sport. Basketball? It would be nice, considering my whole family plays basketball. Rugby? That would be odd. Golf? That’s fine, but I won’t be joining her on the course. Does she drag race? No, NASCAR stands for Non Athletic Sport Centered Around Rednecks and I think that bleeds over into all forms of racing. Does she have a "pimped up" ride? It would be nice, but I really don’t care about that. As long as she has a car (just because I live in a suburban area) we’ll be cool. Can she surf? That would be cool, I would have a reason to get better at it, considering I am a shitty wannabe surfer. Skateboard? Don’t really care. Snowboard? As long as she has the patience to teach me, yeah, that would be cool. Would she have an accent? As long as it isn’t a northern or New York accent that would be fine. Anything else? She should have a great sense of humor and an unusual fondness for sarcastic, egotistical yet self depreciating people. Does she kiss on the first date?: I don’t care. Where does she take you? She is taking me out? Wow, that is a first. Somewhere that has good live music I guess. Does she pay? It is nice every now and again, but the first time out I pay, although she would mention going dutch when I grab the check. Would she lay under the stars with you and spout random philosophies? As long as she doesn’t say “what are you thinking” we are cool. Would she use endearments? As long as they are original, but not very often. Would you hold hands? I more of an “arm in arm” fan, but every now and again hand holding is alright. Would you ever stay the night at her place? As long as it is her place and not her parent’s place Would she give you flowers/candy or a big expensive gift? I like random gifts that show some thought. I prefer getting things that are small though. Would she walk you to your door at the end o the night? I guess it would be the reverse of this scenario, huh? Once a girl said that I didn’t have to walk her to the door, and I took it as such a slap in the face that I never called her again. Later one of her friends admonished me for not calling her because apparently she liked me a lot. Lastly, after you meet, get hitched, etc. What do u name your kids? She has to be cool with the fact that the first son will be named Alexander C. Schafer V. After that I would let her choose the names, it is only fair.

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Friday, February 4, 2005

I was driving from school to work today when I realized that I left my CD case at home. Although disappointed, I tuned the FM radio to one of the two decent rock radio stations in my area. All was cool for about ten minutes. Then the station decided to play a Nickelback song, so I hit another preset button only to find that they were also playing a Nickelback song. So I turned to a local hits station and listened to the new Kelly Clarkson song while I pondered how close humanities pending destruction is. I mean, what kind of society allows a band like Nickelback to have such command of the airwaves?

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Thursday, February 3, 2005

I have been seeing a girl for the past couple months. It really isn’t much of a relationship, we hang out every now and again and occasionally we’ll go to dinner or something. Recently she had taken to sleeping at my place (no sex guys, get your mind out of the gutter) and I could tell that she wanted our “status” to become a bit more serious. Anyway, I really don’t like rejecting people, because in retrospect there always seems like a better way I could have handled the situation. This was no different; I should have said something the first night she slept over. So yesterday morning we talked and I told her that I really didn’t want a serious relationship right now, and she said she knew that and it wasn’t what she wanted either. Her facial expressions gave her away though, and it was easy to tell how disappointed she was, disappointed in me and in herself for thinking that there was something special between us. I got that much out of her when she started crying. Obviously I felt like a fucker, and rightfully so. Needless to say I was in a fantastic mood yesterday. I decided to go out and get a couple beers after work, an odd occurrence because I rarely go out during the work week. My spirits picked up a bit towards the end of the day though. A couple of beers a basket of chicken wings and Wake Forest spanking Duke made everything right as rain. And yes, I realize I am a callous, self centered, pompous, and sometimes callow jerk.

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Wednesday, February 2, 2005

There is a relatively new anti-drug commercial that television stations have been playing non-stop. It begins with a girl walking to school when she notices an old man in a dark suit standing on the side walk. Then it shows the same girl in class taking a test, when she glances around the room the same old man is standing there, face stoic. A similar scene occurs in here school cafeteria, again, same old man in a dark suit. Next the girl is in a record store where she once again notices the old man. The final scene depicts the girl driving in her car at night. She looks a little distracted and is fiddling with her CD player when, out of nowhere, the man in the dark suit walks into the middle of the street and is plowed by the girls car. An ominous announcer voices over the sound of screeching tires with a moral lesson: “you’ll never forget the people you hurt when you were high.” I have two big problems with this commercial. First, there is no indication given that the girl is stoned. To be honest, it just looks like some senile old man wandered into the road. For heaven’s sake, it is pitch black outside and he is wearing a dark suit. If I am trying to cross the street late at night wearing ninja outfit I would damn well look both ways before crossing. The man is lucky that the girl was only high. If she was drunk she would have hit him, not comprehended what happened, and then backed up over the injured man to see what she hit. My second problem is the slogan, “you’ll never forget the people you hurt when you were high”. What dumb fucker thought up this winner of a slogan? I don’t care how sober I am, if I run over senile old Mr. Cooper I am going to feel pretty damn terrible. To me this slogan says “you’ll never forget the people you hurt when you were high, however, fuck worrying about all of those people you screwed over while you were in a sound frame of mind, after all at least you didn’t do the same thing on weed”.

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Saturday, January 29, 2005

A Stolen Q&A 01. What is your favorite word? Fortunately- whenever you use the word it means that something good happened, even if everything else is falling apart. It is a reassuring, hopeful word. 02. What is your least favorite word? Unfortunately- obviously because it is the bastard inverse of my favorite word. It usually tends to signify that everything was going fine until… 03. What turns you on creatively, spiritually or emotionally? Family and Friends- as corny as it sounds my family and friends are my biggest influence. My parents and sister are definitely a huge motivational aspect of my life. I guess I was just blessed when it came to having a really awesome family. 04. What turns you off? People that don’t comprehend sarcasm- I horribly sarcastic, but some people just don’t recognize sarcasm, they take offense to things that aren’t intended to offend. 05. What is your favorite curse word? I wrote before that “fuck” is one of the most versatile words in the English language. It is by far my favorite swear word, although “cock” is a fun word as well. 06. What sound or noise do you love? I love the sound of thunderstorms. 07. What sound or noise do you hate? People whispering, I always think that they are conspiring against me. Most of the time they are. 08. What profession other than your own would you like to attempt? I’d love to be a filthy rich heir. That would be an ideal occupation. 09. What profession would you not like to attempt? It would suck to work as a bank teller, distributing more money in a week than you make in a year. It would be depressing. 10. If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates? ”Dude, you are three months late, what in my name happened?”

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Thursday, January 27, 2005

Last night Maryland beat Duke. Since I am a huge Terps fan I rejoiced with a little happy dance. Yes, I have happy dance. It looks remarkably similar to Ashley Simpson’s “maybe this will make people forget I am lip syncing” dance. In other news, my first assignment for my print advertising class is to create an ad for an alcohol product and the target audience is geared towards 21-30 year olds. This is awesome because last semester I did a print advertisement for a fake Vodka product targeted towards that same age group. I figured that I received an “A” on my previous ad, so I should just recycle it and save myself a little work. Also, I got paid today. That alone makes today a great day. Tomorrow won’t be such a great day because I have to spend quite a bit of that pay on bills. Why are utilities so fucking expensive? I started a charitable organization just now. It is called Charlie’s Tsunami relief fund. All of the donations will go towards throwing a concert guaranteed to distract you from all of the media that is making such a brew-ha-ha over who is donating what to the Tsunami victims. So far I have raised $1.33, but that was just because I found the money in a laundered pair of pants.

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Tuesday, January 25, 2005

Sometimes I hate waking up. I understand mornings are tough for everyone. Very few people enjoy that abrupt jolt of awake-ness brought about by a screeching alarm clock. But that is just the ordinary process of waking up, and, though usually uncomfortable, it is normal. Today something abnormal occurred. I woke up heart broken. When I went to bed I was more or less content, not happily giddy mind you, but not despondent either. So I was confused as to what broke my heart during those six void hours. As I have mentioned before, my dreams are often very vivid, often times I recall huge chunks of them at a time. This morning fragments of my dream drifted in and out of my minds eye. Bits and pieces of falling in love, getting married, and having my first child seem to be hovering right in front of me, fuzzy and out of focus just beyond my grasp. Do you think you can live a whole life in a dream?

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Monday, January 24, 2005

I’ve started to build a journal more times than I can count, however, due to an incredible lack of talent all of my efforts have been scrapped. This weekend I sat down on Adobe to work on a project for my advertising class. After fiddling around with some ideas for vector images in illustrator I stumbled upon a feasible design that I like. So hopefully I’ll be ready to launch that in the next week or so. In other news I don’t really have any other news. It snowed here, but I couldn’t find a good hill to sled on. Maybe this weekend I’ll drive to the mountains. ***Edit*** I wanted to comment on relation to the Nifty Fifty event on OB. First, if you haven’t posted, you should. I think it is a great way to improve upon the old year end threads. Second, so many of you guys are awesome that I really regret not being able to list fifty nifty people. I actually included a few fluff answers just because I didn’t want to have to start leaving people out. So, for those of you that care, know that if I didn’t find you impossibly cool I would have stopped coming around long ago.

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