Friday, January 21, 2005

I wrote one of those “this is my life” posts that are so trendy on OB write now. Then I deleted it with one swift key stroke. Don’t worry, it was long and probably would have bored you to tears. Today I am in one of those “finally” moods. Finally this week is over, Jebus has it been brutal. We are supposed to get about two feet of snow today and tomorrow so I think I am going to catch up on some much needed (and, might I add, some well deserved) rest. Maybe, if I can locate a good hill tonight, I’ll take Sara’s advice and go sledding tomorrow.

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Thursday, January 20, 2005

Here are some long over due Random Thoughts 1. Mary-Kate and Ashley Olson are going their separate ways, well not entirely. One of the terrible two some (who cares which?) decided it was time to move out of their shared Tri-Beca pad and get a place of her own. Fortunately, well I guess it is fortunate; they will still be in conjoined film roles. I guess they both realized that as a pair they are barely half as talented as a normal actor so, individually, they are pretty worthless. 2. I think that when President Bush is lost in thought he looks like a ferret trying to escape its cage. 3. Old news, Jen and Brad split up. I think that the split had very little to do with children and everything to do with an argument based on who spent more time in front of the mirror. 4. Why is America in debt? Well just look at Hawaii, a state that has allocated two million dollars to halt the spreading of the coqui frog. Obviously there is a good reason for spending that much money on killing a bunch of frogs, they must be poisonous or carriers of some sort of bacteria right? Wrong, the frogs’ only crime is their loud annoying croaking. Sorry Kermit, you are too loud at night, time to DIE! 5. For a moment I thought that Catholicism went crazy. A few days back a Spanish Bishop stated that condoms are useful for preventing the spread of AIDS. I mean that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. Fortunately, wiser minds prevailed, and the Vatican reversed the statement. After all, if God didn’t want us to contract AIDS he would have given human kind some sort of protective wrap to go around our penises, or at least gave some guy the idea to invent such a product. 6. Harvard President Lawrence Summers had to apologize for a (possibly) sexist statement he made on his website. During his apology, Dr. Summers stated the following “Despite reports to the contrary, I did not say, nor do I believe, that girls are intellectually less able than boys, or that women lack the ability to succeed at the highest levels of science” He continued by muttering underneath his breath…”but we can still beat those stupid girls at kick ball….” 7. There is some speculation that old honest Abe Lincoln was a bit of a fruit. Personally, I am not buying it. Abe was way too shabby a dresser to be gay. 8. Did you know there is a Jerry Springer: the Opera? I really can’t write anything to make that anymore humorous than it already is.

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Wednesday, January 19, 2005

Last night I was wandering through the bookstore when a tiny glint of shiny metallic caught my eye. Like a fish spotting a lure I turned towards the source of my distraction only to be snagged by one of my favorite movies, Dazed and Confused. I don’t know why I hadn’t purchased this movie ages ago, it has been one of my favorite movies since I was sixteen. Anyway, stumbling upon this movie made me decide to write another installment of Things that Kick/Suck Ass. Thing that Kicks Ass- Dazed and Confused What the fuck did you think I was going to discuss ass clown? Linklater’s homage to teenage life in the seventies might not be as heart warming or as moving as American Graffiti but the sheer coolness of the movie kicks Graffiti’s ass all around the parking lot while having sex with its girlfriend. The plot of the movie is simple enough, it is the last day of school and the up and coming seniors have started the ritual hazing of the up and coming Freshman. After a hard day of beating and degrading the lower classmen, the towns’ youth seeks out entertainment in the form of cold beer and mellow pot. Obviously a party ensues. While the plot isn’t all that special the characters are. The whole cast of a typical high school is represented in the film. I can even spot the character that best represents me in this movie (no, it isn’t Pink, it is Benny O’Donnel, yep I was the guy who would complain about needlessly tossing away a beer) and everyone knew the jock like Don Dawson, the wanna be badass like Fred O’Bannion, and the stoner like Slater. Obviously we all knew or know a guy like Wooderson who is several years older than everyone else at the party. The movie is worth watching for the cars alone. There are more kick ass automobiles in this movie than you can shake a stick at (the yellow GTO is so cherry) and I even remember my dad commenting on how the most unrealistic part of this movie are all of the kick ass cars…there obviously weren’t enough rusted out El Caminos for his liking. Even cooler than the cars is the music. The soundtrack is jam packed with seventies staples like Aerosmith, Sabbath, Frampton, Foghat, Steve Miller, War, deep Purple, Zepplin and a host of others. The greatest aspect of the songs is how they interact with the characters, lending to the conversations and the moods. After all, rarely is music more a focus in your life than it was in high school. If you haven’t seen this movie (television doesn’t count because all of the good parts of the movie are edited out) rent it sometime. It is a great, entertaining movie. Thing that Sucks Ass- Getting Blue Balled I would never blame the woman when I get blue balled, however, it still sucks. If you are a guy and haven’t gotten blue balled before, you will. And it will suck.

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Tuesday, January 18, 2005

I thought I would try something a little bit different today. Instead of just bitching or glowingly praising something I thought I would do a combination of both in a new segment I’m going to call Things that Kick/Suck Ass. Things That Kick Ass- Kevin Smith movies On Sunday night I was half heartedly sorting through my DVDs when I came across my collection of Kevin Smith movies. That evening I watched “Chasing Amy” and “Mallrats” and I enjoyed them both quite a bit. Although I have seen all of the Jay and Silent Bob movies a thousand times they never fail to make me chuckle. The mix of smart satire and utter vulgarity is right up my alley and I would definitely recommend all of Kevin Smiths movies to anyone that is looking for a few laughs. Except “Jersey Girl”, although you might laugh at how horrible it is. Thing That Sucks Ass- Gwen Stefani’s Solo Career I think I know why Gwen Stefani and the rest of No Doubt went their separate ways. I think that one day Gwen Stefani approached the rest of the band and the following conversation ensued: “Hey guys, I have a great idea for a new song.” “Mhmmm?” “Yeah, I thought we could pull a P-Diddy, but instead of sampling an old rock song we could sample a song from a musical. Look, I already stole a song from Fiddler on the Roof and rewrote some of the lyrics!” “….” “Oh, oh! I also wrote a cool fill for my friend Eve! You guys all remember how talented she is!” “Hey, Gwen, y’know what you should do? You should pursue a solo career.” “Yeah Gwen, I think the rest of us are just holding you back.” “Really? Wow guys that is so cool of you!” Gwen leaves the room “Dude, that was the stupidest fucking idea ever.” “Yeah, let’s go get some Taco Bell.” Yeah, Gwen Stefani’s song “Rich Girl” is horrible, but only as horrible as the rest of her latest album, “Love.Angel.Music.Baby”. I never was a No Doubt fan, but as far as pop-rock went they were alright. Alone, however, Gwen Stefani has almost as much talent as Ashley Simpson’s song writers. How anyone listens to her dribble is beyond me.

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Monday, January 17, 2005

Today is shitty. Mondays do tend to be pretty shitty days. They mark the beginning of my (and most other peoples) workweek as well as serve for a starting point for my “count to the weekend”. Being a fairly optimistic person (some see the glass as half full, some see it as half empty, I see it as “shut the fuck up and drink the rest of your goddamn drink”) I usually search for some good and unique aspect of every workday. However, the enjoyable aspects of certain workdays are quickly crumbing. On Mondays I used to look forward to watching wrestling at night. However, wrestling has really, really sucked as of late (the best match I have seen in a long time was on Velocity between Akio and Paul London) so that kills Monday’s highlight. On Tuesdays I used to look forward to going to the bookstore and drinking café mocha while reading all of their comics and magazines. I had to swear off the café mochas because they were beginning to get kind of expensive and the bookstore stopped selling comics so that kind of blows my Tuesdays jewel away. Wednesdays are still cool, and every other Thursday I get paid, so they only suck every other week. Fridays are the last day of the work week so they are pretty awesome. So pretty much every Monday, Tuesday and every other Thursday sucks donkey balls. On top of it being a shitty Monday it is -10 degrees outside and me little nook of Ohio received about two feet of snow last night. However, nothing in Ohio ever closes due to inclimate weather so I am at work and everyone is in a wonderful mood. Driving to the gym early this morning was particularly fun because the roads were untouched by other vehicles. My little Saturn coupe was transformed into the ultimate bobsled. I think I spun all the way into my parking space. Fortunately by the time I left the gym the plows had all of the roads cleared. Anyway, hope you guys have a merry fucking Monday.

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Wednesday, January 12, 2005

I was just at the super market and there was only one line open. On top of this all of the automatic tellers were down. Why the fuck there is only one teller at five in the afternoon is beyond me. Anyway, I got in line behind a thirty something guy with a case of beer who was behind a gargantuan white behemoth of a woman. She was like Moby Dick trapped in a sweat suit. Anyway, apparently her bill was too high, so she made the cashier re-ring all of her groceries. It was still too high (it was the same damn price) so she got in an argument with the cashier. The argument must have lasted ten minutes and involved every manager in the store. Meanwhile the line was growing longer and I was getting ever more impatient. Finally I couldn’t take it any longer. “God damn it, can’t you quit being such a bitch, I just want to buy a pepper and an onion and go home.” She looked like a hippopotamus that was trying to mimic a lion. “Don’t you ever take the lords name in vain. I should smack you right in the jaw. I should smack you in the face for calling me a bitch. My daddy doesn’t talk to me tha….” She kept on droning on but I decided to set my groceries down and just leave. In the parking lot the guy that was trying to buy a case of beer (he never actually bought it) said to me… “Jesus Christ, was she ever a bitch.” Jesus Christ indeed. Anyway, I decided to share the love with many of you and I distributed several smack and several threats of smacks. Smacks all around people.

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Tuesday, January 11, 2005

Charlie on being a moron and gym snafus Only a real idiot cannot remember what day their college resumes classes after the holidays. I am one of those real idiots. I have a large calander in my spare room that is jam packed with dates for business meetings, birthdays, paydays, bill due dates, and, yes, school events. Somehow I managed to flip the dates for the first day of Spring semester and the day one of my tuition bills were due. Until Sunday night at around 11pm I was under the impression that my classes began yesterday morning, when in fact they don’t begin until the next Tuesday. This wouldn’t be so embarrassing if I had not announced that I had to go back to school on Monday to all of my coworkers and clients, so they would realize how my schedule would be modified for the next few months. Yep, they think I am an even bigger moron than they thought I was last week, and that is quite a big moron. Another couple embarrassing moments in my life have taken place in the gym. The gym that I used to attend came under new management a few months back and had grown increasingly shitty, so I recently joined a newer, cleaner gym. On Friday I finished lifting legs and I jumped on the treadmill. Because my calves were really sore I decided to back pedal on the treadmill. I had a nice rhythm and pace going and I was starting to really get into the motion when I miss stepped. Instead of falling I managed to leap off of the treadmill, however, because I jumped with the momentum of the treadmill I was rocketed about twenty feet across the gym. Needless to say all eyes were on me. The following day I was doing a clean to press motion (where you snap the bar from your thighs up to your chest then over your head in a quick movement) and I was really unsure of how much weight I could handle. So I was moving progressively up from set to set adding five pounds to a side every time. I had a random guy spotting me and I guess he forgot to put the clip on the side of the bar he loaded. When I snapped from my thigh to my chest the weights on the right side of the bar flew off and tossed me off balance. Fortunately I wasn’t hurt. Unfortunately I was once again the center of attention at the gym. Even worse, I recognized some of the staring eyes from the day before.

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Sunday, January 9, 2005

Sorry, I doubt that there will be a second part to my previous post. I had one almost completed on the third but there was a power outage while I was writing it and it must have gone to data heaven. Lots of people at work have been out sick or on holiday lately. That, coupled with my hectic road schedule for work in January, has not allowed me much time on the computer lately. Hopefully I’ll be able to update regularly again soon. I hope everyone is doing well.

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Friday, December 31, 2004

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls of all ages welcome to the most spectacular fake celebrity New Years Eve celebration fabricated by Charlie this year. That’s right, its time for… The Super Mega Celebrity Fun Time New Years Celebration Party and Stuff!! And here is your special host, he is every woman’s favorite person to douse with pepper spray, Char…I mean Heaven’s Cloud! roars of applause….I said applaud damn you, don’t you dare heckle me on my own special HC: Thank you, thank you. Give a big hand to the Super Mega Fun Time New Years Band featuring the Max Weinberg 7!! Wow, to be honest, I was a tad nervous hosting such an illustrious event. Out of all the New Years shows in the entire world, this one has to, by far, have the most prestigious history. Max, how many years would you guess this event has taken place? Max: Uh, what do you mean? This is the first Super Mega Celebrity Fun Time New Years Celebration Party and Stuff ever. HC: Really? Are you positive? Max: Absolutely. Just look at the banner above your podium, it says “First Ever Super Mega Celebrity Fun Time New Years Celebration Party and Stuff” HC: Son of a bitch, I am going to kill my manager. How am I ever going to get that supporting role on Law and Order now? A ba-dum-snick echoes for Max’s drum kit HC: Was that a drum crash Weinberg? I wasn’t making a joke. This was my chance to shine, my chance to prove myself, my dream. Why is it the “Max Weinberg” 7 anyway? You are the fucking drummer, you keep time. The only person less important than you is the bass guitar player. Max: Heheh, you are such a kidder. HC: Kidder? Kidder? You’ll see how much of a kidder I am when I come up there and shove that drum kit up your yuppie ass. Max: Now wait a minu..owww, god damn it that hurts…no not that not th… Announcer: Uh, haha, the crazy HC, you never know how an emotionally unstable person will react when his dreams are stolen in one unmerciful swoop. Shinmaru is standing by with our fist celebrity special guest, why don’t we cut to him. Shin? Shin: Thanks guys. I am here with pop sensation and all around whore Brittney Spears. Brittney: Hey everybody, happy New Year, Kevin I love you baby! I love you! Shin: Well Brittney, 2004 was some year for you. You released a greatest hits album. You promoted your own fragrance, “Curiosity”. You married a childhood friend for fifty hours in Vegas. Then you got married to an even more prolific member of America’s white trash community, Kevin Federline. But I think that everyone really wants to know what possessed you to walk into a gas station’s public restroom barefoot? I mean, that is just disgusting. Brittney: I know it seems disgusting, but I assure you it isn’t as gross as it seems. First off, no matter what my mother said, I didn’t walk into the restroom barefoot because of an uncomfortable foot condition. No. Actually I was at the doctors the other day and he told me that I am infected with every venereal disease known to man, and a few only found in reptiles. These diseases, combined with my body’s extraordinary silicone content, have made me impervious to all germs and viruses. Shin: So your skankyness has made you more or less invincible? By the way, what is that awful smell? Brittney: Oh, that is just my vagina. Shin: I see. I think I am going to be ill. Back to you HC. HC: Wow, that is one dirty whore; I hope you haven’t eaten anything spicy in the past few hours Shin. Spicy food is never pleasant coming back up. Our next guest needs no introduction. He is a cold hearted killer that can now be seen on death row. Scott Peterson ladies and gentlemen! Scott: Thanks HC, its good to be here. HC: I am sure it feels good to be anywhere besides prison. So what does it feel like to know that the state will soon be putting you down with a nice, painless, lethal injection? Scott: Well HC, I tend to be an optimist, so I guess I am just glad I won’t be getting anal raped for the next thirty years. HC: Well Scott, we have a special belated Christmas present for you. This hulking brute behind me is Jaquil, a current inmate of Riker’s Island. He has personally guaranteed me that he can squeeze in at least eight years of sexual abuse in one night. Have fun getting your shit pushed in Scott. Now we are going to send you to St. Jude’s hospital where Sarah is standing by with Dick Clark. Sarah: Thanks HC. I am here with prominent New Years host Dick Clark. Mr. Clark, how do you feel about having to relinquish your coveted “Rockin’ New Year” spot to Regis Philbin? Nurse: I am sorry, Mr. Clark cannot take questions, he is recovering from a second heart attack. Sarah: Can it lady, we all know that Dick Clark isn’t human. He is an automatronic entity created by Walt Disney in the thirties. Nurse: I am going to have o ask you to leave. Sarah: God damn it, not again. Back to you Charlie. HC: Thanks Sarah. Y’know, every year at this time journalists and critics write their “year in review” articles, stating what was a hit and a miss this year. Tonight we have singer Beyonce Knowles here with us to discuss one of the recording industries most notorious “year in review” articles printed in “Sweet Hypocrisy” magazine. Beyonce, are you excited by this article? Beyonce: Not really. I know that Tony the writer realizes that my only asset is my ass. I doubt I will be mentioned at all in his article. Actually I am not even sure why I am here. HC: Actually, I booked you on the show just so I could slip some roofies into your Perrier and make sweet sweet love to you later this evening. The drugs should take effect in four, three, two, …score. While I take her up to my hotel room I’ll send you to Sara, who has an important New Years safety announcement. Sara: Every year tens of people are sent to the hospital due to improper sticker usage. I understand that stickers are toys, but this insanity has to stop. If you are unsure how to properly stick stickers, please call the number below. We will rush you out a pamphlet explaining how to properly stick stickers as well as a free set of stickers from PETA. Thank you and remember… The “The More You Know” logo appears below Sara HC: Thank you Sara, and now I will send you over to Mimmi, our Swedish correspondent. The camera flashes to a bedroom where a couple is under the covers doing not so innocent things. The screen turns to snow and cuts back to HC HC: Wow that was kind of kinky. Isn’t our UK correspondent, Solo, visiting Sweden? Hmmm. Perhaps we cut should cut to Aleia who is standing by with our resident sex tape specialist Paris Hilton. Aleia: Thanks HC. Paris, what do you think about our Swedish broadcast? Paris: That’s hot. Aleia: I agree. That was hot, and you are untalented. Back to you Charlie. HC: Thanks Aleia, you may want to offer Paris a tissue, she has some cum on her lip. Well we have to cut to a commercial break but don’t change that channel! Announcer: Coming up we have Tori and the Rockets, our down under segment with James, and Arcadia, Shy, Baron, and Alex interviewing a slew of scandalous celebs!

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Thursday, December 30, 2004

I am not so much hung over as I am hazy. I recall a thirty three year old woman reaching down my pants and grabbing my crotch at a bar last night. She was cute, but not that cute. I think she was prompted by the lewd and bold jokes that I was making. Whatever. Tomorrow will be my celebrity year in review extravaganza. Maybe it will be longer than a few sentences.

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