Friday, December 10, 2004

I was a little bored last night so I decided to call up my friend Jesus to hang out. Like usual he arrived with his whole entourage. Don’t get me wrong, John and Paul are pretty cool guys, but Peter has wicked body odor, Mark has really bad teeth yet smiles constantly, Mary is always sneaking off to the bathroom to do blow, and the archangels constantly molt, scattering feathers everywhere. Anyway, we partied for a couple hours, the “G” man (that is what we call Jesus because he is going through a FUBU and Sean Jean phase, why he wants to look like D’Ali G is beyond me) did the usual water into Heineken bit, and we all got pretty smashed. At some point in the evening Mary whipped out Dance Dance Revoltuion! and everyone flipped out. I still don’t see what the fascination with the game is, although, after drinking a bit, I began finding it mildly amusing. Obviously the “G” man took us all to school, not because he is the son of God, but because the skinny bastard break dances like a mother fucker. By three o’clock every one but me, Jesus, and Peter (who was upstairs puking in the bathroom, swearing to Jesus that he would never drink again…which got a good chuckle out of the “G” man)had passed out. Jesus and I were talking politics and discussing the ramifications of the war in Iraq. Although I don’t always agree with his point of view (I often find it quite naïve) it is nice to hear the opinion of a devout Buddhist every now and them. By four o’clock me and “G” were so drunk that we could barely stand up. Jesus decided to play some pranks on the others. I “nared” one of Mark's eye brows off and Jesus filled a condom with mayonnaise and put it between Paul and Mary, who were sleeping close to each other on the couch. Then Jesus, delirious from imbibing mass quantities of tequila, dropped his pants and started urinating on my kitchen floor. I asked him what he was doing and he mumbled something about it being cool. Then I said a few choice words that I would come to regret. “Jesus, for being the son of God you are a real son of a bitch.” Now, Jesus has some real abandonment issues (his father forsook him) and this, coupled with the booze, made him break down. I tried to console him but I really didn’t know what to say, how the hell are you supposed to console Christ? So I went to sleep. This morning Jesus used his Christ powers to clean up my house. As we said our goodbyes I felt that Jesus bore me no ill will. He is a forgiving guy after all.

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Thursday, December 9, 2004

I was messing around with some Adobe brushes this morning, which sparked the decision to switch my layout to this eighties-esque design. I doubt it will last for long, once I implemented it I decided that I wasn’t a big fan. In other news December 8th continues its tradition of being a crazy day in the entertainment industry. Last night “Dimebag” Darrell Abbot was killed (along with four other people) in a night club shooting (story here). Although Abbot is now playing with Damageplan, he gained fame as the guitar player for Pantera. I used to listen to Pantera quite a bit when I was younger, and Vulgar Display of Power is still one of my favorite albums to workout to (along with Cowboys from Hell). Anyway, it is a gross understatement to say that it sucks that he was killed, although I wouldn’t be surprised if some ominous scandal is uncovered by the media. His name was “Dimebag” after all. As I stated before, this incident continued to add to the mystique that December eighth has over the entertainment (especially rock and roll) industry. Several famous musicians were born on the eight: Sinead O’Conner, Gregg Allman, Sammy Davis Jr., and (last but not least) The Lizard King Jim Morrison. However, the eight is also marred by tragedy. Sam Kinison was tragically killed by a drunk driver on December eighth, and John Lennon was also assassinated on this day. It seems odd that one day is continually so pivotal for the entertainment industry.

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Wednesday, December 8, 2004

King Morpheous I wasn’t sure what to post today so here is a Christmas story by Neil Gaiman from Smoke and Mirrors. Ask for his books for Christmas, they are brilliant! Nicholas Was... older than sin, and his beard could grow no whiter. He wanted to die. The dwarfish natives of the Arctic caverns did not speak his language, but conversed in their own, twittering tongue, conducted incomprehensible rituals, when they were not actually working in the factories. Once every year they forced him, sobbing and protesting, into Endless Night. During the journey he would stand near every child in the world, leave one of the dwarves' invisible gifts by its bedside. The children slept, frozen into time. He envied Prometheus and Loki, Sisyphus and Judas. His punishment was harsher. Ho. Ho. Ho.

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Tuesday, December 7, 2004

the butcher, the baker, the candlestick maker I have to make brownies for my company’s holiday cookie exchange. Last year I made a very traditional brownie and they were quite delicious. However, this year I thought I would try something a bit different. If you have any good brownie recipes that are a bit funky I would appreciate it. Unless they a re “box” recipes. I abhor baking out of boxes. Sorry, not much of a post today. I am being a bit of a wanker and using my free time to post an entry for Shy’s RPG sign up. As so many of you would say “it is teh coolest”.

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Monday, December 6, 2004

a little gross I spent quite a bit of yesterday at a friend’s house playing video games and watching Ring of Honor DVD’s. It was a good time, I got to play X-Men Legends, which is a really great game. Around seven-ish we met up with a few people and went off to a local sports bar to watch pay-per-view wrestling. It was an okay pay-per-view, fortunately it ended with one of the coolest spots I have ever seen in wrestling. In a tag team steel cage match Felix Skipper climbed to the top of an open topped cage then proceeded to walk across the narrow cage beam. He the dove off the top of the cage, executed a head scissor on Christopher Harris (who was standing on the top rope), and landed gently on his knees. If you are a fan of wrestling you probably know how tricky and ballsy moves like these are, this one was probably the most perfectly executed that I have ever seen. Afterwards I was pretty hungry (I drank a couple beers during the pay-per-view and beer always makes me hungry) so I swung by Taco Bell. It was delicious in the way that Taco Bell tends to be delicious at night after drinking a few beers. When I was in the gym this morning, however, the Taco Bell didn’t feel so delicious. Several times I think I actually tasted it in the back of my throat. When I got home from the gym I really was unsure of what end the Taco Bell was going to come out of. It felt like someone was stirring the inside of my stomach. Fortunately I forced the Bell out the rear and now I feel as wonderful as anyone could feel at the beginning of the work week.

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Friday, December 3, 2004

sorry, but the answer is… I got a good laugh from your answers. I owe a big thank you to everybody that took the time to answer my questions. For those of you that didn’t, well if I were you I would pray that voodoo curses don’t work or there might be a bunch of bald Otakuites wodering around. Anyway here are the correct answers for the questionnaire. “There are correct answers”, you ask? Of course, this wasn’t a subjective quiz. 1. What would you find more frightening, a giant half shark half elephant that tramples and eats everything in its path or a tribe of cannibal midgets that smell like garlic and worship goats? It is fairly easy to avoid a giant half shark half elephant because you can spot them a mile away. Cannibal midgets, on the other hand are terrifying and very stealthy. The added “garlic” smell helps to ward off the midgets natural predators (vampires) as well. 2. Which group of people do you despise more, the French or the French Canadians? (please explain) The French Canadians are both Canadian and French, what could be more despicable than a Frenchman that says “aye” all the time? 3. What is more important, oxygen or sea turtles? (please explain) Sea Turtles, according to PETA we couldn’t breathe without them. 4. If you won $80,000,000 in the lottery how much money would you give to charity? You would tithe 10%. 5. If you are a sucker and decided to give some of your hard won money away, what charities would you give it to? The 10% you tithed would go to the church of Charlie 6. Who is a bigger whore, Brittney Spears or Paris Hilton? (please explain) Trick question. Brittney Spears and Paris Hilton are equal in their whoreishness because they share the same vagina. What, you didn’t think there were two vaginas on earth that fowl, did you? 7. How many times have you thought about having sex since you started answering these questions? Seven, so far you have thought about sex before reading every question. 8. Do you find it pretty pathetic that some pharmacists have stopped selling birth control pills because it conflicts with their moral values? Yes…fuck the pharmacists. 9. If you didn’t answer the above question with a “yes” were you kicked in the head by a donkey at a young age or are you directly related to Jerry Falwell? Not Applicable, unless you answered “Yes” to question eight and still happen to be related to Jerry Falwell. If that is the case I am truly sorry for you. 10. Would you rather get herpes or give someone herpes? Tis’ the season of giving. 11. If you were a Super Hero what would your Super Hero name be and what powers would you have? Captian Spoinky, the power to seduce the opposite sex with but a glance. 12. If you were a Super Villain what would your Super Villain name be and what powers would you have. Bizarro Spoinky, the power to seduce married members of the opposite sex. 13. If you were a Super Prostitute what would your Prostitute name be and what venereal disease would you spread? Lollita the one-eyed slurper…all of them. 14. Do you agree that by taking the time to answer the previous questions you have wasted a portion of your life that you will never be able to recover? Of course, then again reading this journal tends to waste a terrible amount of my precious life. 15. How many times have you thought about having sex since I last asked you how many times you had thought about having sex? At least fifteen although probably more if you got tired of reading and decided to visit a porn website.

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Thursday, December 2, 2004

Hypothetical Questions, Realistic Answers I like posting my random thoughts every now and again, but I thought I would make them a bit more interactive today. So here are some random questions. 1. What would you find more frightening, a giant half shark half elephant that tramples and eats everything in its path or a tribe of cannibal midgets that smell like garlic and worship goats? 2. Which group of people do you despise more, the French or the French Canadians? (please explain) 3. What is more important, oxygen or sea turtles? (please explain) 4. If you won $80,000,000 in the lottery how much money would you give to charity? 5. If you are a sucker and decided to give some of your hard won money away, what charities would you give it to? 6. Who is a bigger whore, Brittney Spears or Paris Hilton? (please explain) 7. How many times have you thought about having sex since you started answering these questions? 8. Do you find it pretty pathetic that some pharmacists have stopped selling birth control pills because it conflicts with their moral values? 9. If you didn’t answer the above question with a “yes” were you kicked in the head by a donkey at a young age or are you directly related to Jerry Falwell? 10. Would you rather get herpes or give someone herpes? 11. If you were a Super Hero what would your Super Hero name be and what powers would you have? 12. If you were a Super Villain what would your Super Villain name be and what powers would you have. 13. If you were a Super Prostitute what would your Prostitute name be and what venereal disease would you spread? 14. Do you agree that by taking the time to answer the previous questions you have wasted a portion of your life that you will never be able to recover? 15. How many times have you thought about having sex since I last asked you how many times you had thought about having sex?

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Wednesday, December 1, 2004

Print Bitch, Print! I have been really trying to get better accustomed to Adobe Photoshop CS, but every time I get involved in a project I become frustrated and flustered and end up just using Paint Shop Pro. I love what Adobe can do and how images can be manipulated but I just can’t (yeah, I know, gratuitous bolding, get off my fucking back) seem to use it in a productive fashion. I guess I have spent enough time using PSP that Adobe is just a tad disconcerting. Perhaps this weekend I will buy a mag or two to help me out. Oh, go and visit Satan665’s myO. Why? Because if you don’t you’ll turn into a fucker, and if you already are a fucker you’ll become an even smaller fucker…and no one likes a little fucker. Since this seems to be going nowhere I guess I’ll insult the French again (because it is so fun). Hey Frenchmen! Why don’t you wipe your ass with a piece of silk and then eat the silk you Jerry Lewis loving big nosed pricks! (by the way, love the crusty bread, can I get the recipe?) I picked up The Ulltimates 2 #1 today. It kicks ass. I bought New Avengers as well, it is “eh”. I like the involvement of the Sentry, who was the main character in one of my favorite “Super Hero” themed graphic novels. The Intimates #2 was also on my list this week, I haven’t got a chance to read it yet up the first issue rocked so I am hoping this one will be equally as good. Yep, didn’t write anything remotely poignant today…guess I accomplished my mission!

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Tuesday, November 30, 2004

Rants in my Pants Per usual I am writing this in lieu of completing the work that is slowly piling on my desk. I figure that the work isn’t going anywhere and I don’t feel all that compelled to do it. Actually, I don’t feel much like doing anything, which is why I have yet to write anything remotely coherent yet. As usual I listened to BBC world news this morning. I have no idea why I listen to it, it seems that every morning they feature a story about some country somewhere that hates America. This morning they featured Ottawa and how the majority of Ottawians (or whatever the hell you want to call them) not only loathe Bush, but loathe America in general. Because BBC World News is, well BBC World News, they don’t require any justification for trashing America. I have no problem if the people of Ottawa have a justified reason to hate us, if our foreign trade policies are hurting their economy or our practices in the UN is thwarting their political agendas then I could at least begin to grasp their viewpoint. But none of this is specified during the radio show, all the report included was a clip of George Bush saying something stupid…who cares if Bush says something stupid that is nothing new. I am growing quite tired of the unfounded anti-American movement that is has been spreading through first world countries. Unless you are from France (if you are, fuck you you smelly, ass-fucking, snail eating bastard...oh, by the way your wine is pretty tasty, good job!) the majority of Americans are pretty indifferent about your country. Lets be honest, Spain is to America what Honduras is to Spain. Sure, Spain knows that Honduras is there but they aren’t going to modify their entire foreign policy just to because Honduras pisses and moans a bit. Look, I am not entirely unsympathetic to the plight of the Europeans and the Canadians and whoever else wants to hop onto the bandwagon. The problem is that you sound like a bunch of bitchy whiny old women on not only American media, but your own. Maybe if you make a rational, justified valid point on why you are unsatisfied with America then we will start giving a rat’s ass about your country.

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Monday, November 29, 2004

Doobie Down Thanks for all of the Thanksgiving well wishes, I assure you that I ate my fill. Actually I consumed enough food to feed Somalia for a month, but I don’t feel bad about it. Let them eat cake…made out of sand…say I! There has been a spot of news that has been bothering me quite a bit lately. Today the Supreme Court is hearing arguments on whether or not people that use medical marijuana are protected by state laws from federal prosecution. One of the background stories in this whole mess deals with a mother of two that was using medical marijuana to ease the pain of a cancerous brain tumor. Under California law this woman was allowed to receive a prescription to grow and smoke marijuana in order to ease her pain. However, federal regulations forbid the possession of marijuana regardless of the doctor’s prescription. Her house was raided and she was put in jail because she possessed marijuana. As ridiculous as the situation is, it is even more ridiculous that there is a good chance that the Supreme Court will uphold the federal law. Imagine the conversation between the justices and said mother. “Ma’am, we regret to inform you that possession of Marijuana is a felony under federal law, and you will be prosecuted for possession of it.” “But, but my Doctor prescribed me the marijuana! It was the only thing that gave me a bit of relief from this horrible growth on my brain!” “Yes, well you should have just toughed it out and wiped your ass with your doctor’s prescription. I mean really, who listens to their Doctor?”

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