Wednesday, November 24, 2004

Dumbing Down No time for a real update today! I wish everyone in the states a Happy Thanksgiving and everyone else a great weekend. Runs off to catch a plane and gobble down a Thanksgiving Turkey…

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Tuesday, November 23, 2004

Dumbing Down Stand-up comedian Louis Black has a bit where he discusses the stupidest thing he has ever heard. If you haven’t heard the bit I’d definitely advise you to check it out, it is frequently on Comedy Central and it is hilarious. The reason I brought that particular bit up is because yesterday I heard the stupidest thing I have ever heard before, and I cannot seem to get it out of my head. I was flipping through channels yesterday during lunch when I came across the end of an interview between Jules Asner and Halle Berry. Obviously I halted my channel surfing for a few moments, blinded by the hotness of the two women on the television screen. During those brief few moments Jules Asner told Halle Berry that she was going to repeat a few things that Halle had said during her career and she wanted Halle to comment on whether or not she still found them true. The first statement I heard is still driving me insane: “Being black has not been my biggest obstacle.” Think about that for a moment. Why would a person’s race be there biggest obstacle in life? You don’t over come the color of your skin. You can shatter racial preconceptions, but in this day and age there really aren’t that many typical racial preconceptions, at least not any that can be shattered. As much as that statement bothered me and still bothers me it wasn’t the dumbest thing I had ever heard. After all, in the context of the question at the time that statement was made it could have been relevant…I guess. Halle Berry answered the question with a polite “no” and the Jules Asner asked the stupidest question I had ever heard: “Then what is?” What is indeed? What could be more challenging then overcoming your blackness? Perhaps growing up impoverished, or perhaps being born in a third world country, maybe being mauled by a Grizzly Bear, or maybe even trying to open a stuck jar of jam...those are all obstacles, your skin is not; it is an attribute.

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Monday, November 22, 2004

Mimmi Exposed Members of the Otaku community know Mimmi as a fun loving, innocent, Nutella loving girl, but is the innocence just a façade? Behind the girly colors and pictures of fluffy animals hides a sinister secret. The first four years of Mimmi’s life were happy and carefree. She would spend the mornings baking buns with her mother and the afternoons frolicking through the Swedish country side with her sisters. A few weeks after her fourth birthday Mimmi’s mom took all her daughters to a fair. Mimmi was on the merry-go-round (riding a fluffy white sheep no doubt) when tragedy struck. Her mother and sister accidentally left the fair without her. Mimmi rode the merry-go-round until the sun went down and the fair’s lights went dark. She was all alone, or was she? A mysterious man known only as Campbell noticed the distressed and abandoned child. He instantly realized that she would make the perfect secret operative for his secret government organization. Campbell adopted Mimmi and began to train her rigorously. By age six, Mimmi joined Campbell’s splinter call agency known as S.H.E.E.P. The Swedish headquarters for the experimentation of extraterrestrial pants (S.H.E.E.P for short) was a covert organization created to gather intelligence on a race of alien shape shifters. In the late seventies a group of alien shape shifters known as the K’luff invaded the world disguised as pants. S.H.E.E.P was formed in order to determine whether or not these extraterrestrial pants presented a threat to the human race. For eight years Mimmi worked side by side with Campbell, going on exciting adventures and meeting life forms from all around the galaxy. Two weeks after her fourteenth birthday, ten years after Campbell found her, Mimmi’s world was once again turned upside down. During a trip to a local mall Campbell saw a pair of pants that caught his eye. He went into the dressing room and never came out, the lower half of his body was horribly mangled by a pair of alien blue jeans. Grief stricken Mimmi went back to S.H.E.E.P only to discover that the alien pants had infiltrated the highest levels of the Swedish government. S.H.E.E.P was shut down. Mimmi knew that it was up to her to quell the invasion, only she knew how dangerous the extraterrestrial pants were. During the next few years Mimmi traveled the world, stealing pant and tearing them to shreds. On New Years Eve Mimmi struck a fatal blow against the aliens after stealing a too tight pair of coolates off of Oprah Winfrey and put them through a paper shredder. The coolates disguised the shape shifting alien queen, the only shape shifting alien that could give birth to other shape shifting aliens. Unable to reproduce the aliens population dwindled, Mimmi was an unknown hero. Two years ago Mimmi went home, back to the family she lost when she was four. However whenever a sinister slack zips a menacing zipper, whenever a putrid pant buttons a malicious button, Mimmi will be there.

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Friday, November 19, 2004

Dehrty My townhouse is getting dirty. Well, not filthy dirty, just cluttered. And it isn’t the whole house, the kitchen, my basement, my office, and my living room are all neat and tidy. My bathroom and my bedroom are the trouble makers. I try and keep my bathroom clean but I hate scrubbing it every week. Or, rather, I hate scrubbing the tub and shower surround every week. I usually wipe down the sink top and the toilet a few times a week. Another flaw of mine is that I don’t put my bathroom products (my shaving cream, my shave balm, my contact solution, and my toothpaste) back into the medicine cabinet. The medicine cabinet is a foot away yet I am too lazy to move a can/jar/tube that far. I’ve given up on my bedroom. Clothes are everywhere. Every week when I pick up my clothes I vow to myself that I will put them in the proper place on a daily basis. Every week I become a bigger and bigger liar. Ah well, I am a lazy bastard, what more can I say.

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Thursday, November 18, 2004

Be A Mexi-CAN not a Mexi-CAN’T 1. Jude Law was proclaimed the sexiest man alive by People Magazine. Obviously someone is paying off people magazine. We all know that, with the exception of Orlando Bloom (whom I personally believe is made of wax), I am by far the sexiest man alive. 2. Brittney Spears and Kevin Federlines’ marriage is finally official, hoorah! Now that the marriage is official and the prenuptials have been filed we can sit back and wait for the divorce proceedings to roll on in. 3. R & B group TLC is searching for a replacement for the “L” of their group, Lisa “Left-Eye” Lopes. The two remaining stars decided that the best way to find a talented replacement that will mesh well with their personalities is to host a reality show contest. Regardless of who the winner is, we are guaranteed not to give a rat’s ass. 4. Cameron Diaz and her significantly younger beau Justin Timberlake have been making tabloid headlines after threatening an innocent paparazzi (oh the irony). Apparently after Cameron went all psycho-bitch on the first paparazzi, Timberlake told a second “photographer” to stand aside or “I’ll kick your ass”. The second paparazzi attempted to file a law suit but the cops just ridiculed him for being a pussy. Who the hell is afraid of Justin Timblake? What the hell is he going to do, challenge you to a dance off? 5. The Olson twins bid $58,000 on a vacation to Napa Valley, hoping to give the trip as a surprise gift to their father. The surprise was ruined, however, when the auctioneer was forced to call the terrible twosomes father to make the purchase. Apparently the trip included ten bottles of wine, and since the girls are underage they couldn’t purchase the vacation. Don’t worry guys, next time you need some alcohol I’ll slip you some PBR on the down low.

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Wednesday, November 17, 2004

A Nice Glass of “Shut The Hell Up” I like Hardees, they have the right idea. Fuck the whiney fat asses that are bitching about fast food chains incredibly fatty food. Fast food is supposed to be an incredibly tasty yet horribly unhealthy indulgence. Hurrah Hardees! *runs off to buy a 1400 plus calorie hamburger*

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Tuesday, November 16, 2004

Charlie and the Temple of Tepid Toilets Around six o’clock last night my office started to smell. At first it was a subtle putrid smell, like rotten eggs or sour milk. A few minutes passed and the smell intensified. Within a half an hour all of the office windows were and doors were open. The frigid autumn air was much more bearable then the horrible smell. Around six-ten, before the smell had reached its full potency, I grew curious. Where was it coming from? I wondered. I donned my fake fedora and cracked an imaginary bull whip, it was adventure time. Finding a smell isn’t as easy as following your nose, especially when the stench burns your nostrils. So I decided to search in the obvious places first. I explored the upstairs kitchen but was unable to locate anything unusual. Next I entered both of the upstairs bathrooms but they were both normal as well. On my fourth attempt I struck gold…well not really. I opened up the second floor men’s bathroom and was overwhelmed by the smell of raw sewage. The stench was so pungent that I could feel its moisture in the air. I glanced into the men’s urinal, an old floor length monstrosity, and noticed brown sewagey shit bubbling from its drain. While I am a seasoned adventurer, I know when I cannot over come an obstacle; this was one of those untackleable obstacles. I fled, I fed so fast my imaginary Fedora flew off my head and into to the tepid tan waste. When I returned to my cubicle I worked for a few minutes as the stench grew. Finally it overwhelmed me. So I went home. The end.

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Monday, November 15, 2004

dELirIuM I was up really late the other night. Obviously the term “really late” is subjective, but I certainly thought it was late; it was well past the witching hour. Anyway, back to the original point…wait, was there an original point? Yeah, that is right there was an original point, I just haven’t made it yet. So it was late at night (early in the morning rather) and I was flipping through television channels because that is what one usually does when it is late at night and they cannot sleep. One of the HBO’s had a movie that was just beginning called “Kenpo Master”. I hit the description button on my remote and found out that “Kenpo Master” was a pretty lame martial arts movie. I weighed my options, I could watch “Kenpo Master” and perhaps be slightly entertained, or I could watch something else. I decided that a) I have to justify paying for HBO by actually watching it sometimes and b) I was much too lazy to search through any more television channels. So I watched “Kenpo Master”, I watched all ninety minutes of its glory. The movie wasn’t that bad for being a bad movie, in other words, it was horrible but not grotesquely so. My problem with the movie was that the hero was obviously the “bad ass” of the bunch. He was strong, athletic, and, by far, the best martial artist in the movie. But his toughness was dummied down. He was taking shots and getting the crap beaten out of him by these small little oriental dudes that he could have easily ripped in half. Anyway, the moral of this post is that winning is half the battle, but losing could also be half the battle if you lose, and knowing never counts for much.

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Sunday, November 14, 2004

Something to Talk About I got a call from a private dick a few weeks back. At least he wanted me to think he was an investigator, I knew otherwise. I knew that he worked for a less than reputable company and he was attempting to scam a credit payment from me. A few months back I received a message on my phone from a “private investigator” representing “such and such” law firm. In his message he stated that it was both urgent and detrimental that I returned his call. At first I was a bit freaked and I was ready to immediately call him back. Fortunately, because I received the call on a Friday evening, I had time to cool down and think rationally about the situation. I haven’t done anything bad…or at least anything bad enough to warrant a call from an investigator. Thankfully I have caller ID, the “investigators” name, the name of the law office he represents, and the internet. You can find out a lot about a less than reputable company on the internet…after all, that is where everyone goes to bitch about them. Several years ago I disputed a charge on one of my credit cards for $1000 some dollars. I disputed the charge because I didn’t make it. I could prove that I didn’t make it because I wasn’t in Nevada that day; I was in Wilmington, North Carolina in a class room. My credit card company waved the charge and sold the dispute to “such and such” law agency. The internet is a wonderful thing. I found a site that more or less dealt with what I was going through, so I was pretty well prepared. Here is an approximate record of our conversation (yes, I did sarcastically swear at the guy, it was fun). Me: Yeah, I got a call from you the other day. Apparently it is urgently detrimental that I return your call. Private Dick: Yes Mr. Schafer, we are calling on behalf of your credit card company, MBNA, to collect on a disputed claim for $1000 you ma… Me: Why are you lying…there isn’t a need to be a fucker and lie to… Captain Dickinson: I don’t appreciate you calling me a liar sir… Me: I am calling you a liar because you are lying, liar. You aren’t representing my credit card company; you are representing a very disreputable douche bag law firm that bought a dispute for pennies on the dollar. Sherlock Cock: Perhaps I worded my claim wrong, I represent…. Me: I know who you represent, and I know what you are calling about, and until you can prove that my dispute was not valid by mailing me a written validation of said dispute that proves that you researched my claim and have irrefutable proof that I made the purchase then I am going continue referring to you as lord cock master. Lord Cockmaster: You are a real asshole…click. Yes folks, I am a real asshole, but I do amuse myself.

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Friday, November 12, 2004

Watch Me Strut I woke up feeling good this morning. Not healthy good (I rarely feel ill) but confident good. After a shower, a shave, and an early morning trip to the barber my confidence was overwhelming. I put on a camel colored turtle neck sweater, a pair of faded jeans, and my brown suede jacket and my self confidence, nay my cockiness began spilling out of my pores and soaking those around me. Today I look so good that I am making the people around me look better. Today, I would comfortably admit to being an ego maniac.

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