Thursday, November 11, 2004

Informal Request I don’t have a real update today; instead, I have a request. I am looking for internet sites that have pictures, photos, designs, drawings, shapes, and clip art that you can use, preferably free of charge. I know that several of you guys do quite a bit of web design and probably know of some good sites. These sites are really useful for my advertising classes, and I would appreciate any help.

Comments (2) | Permalink

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

Celeb Slander….I mean Libel 1. Nicky Hilton (the slightly less slutty of the two Hilton sisters) divorced her husband the other day after approximately four months of marriage. In other news, several states passed laws banning gay marriage in order to protect the so called “sanctity” of marriage between a man and a woman. I, for one, encourage these laws, after all, what is more sacred than those three months of marriage before you become tired of your spouse and decide to go elsewhere for your blow jobs? 2. Why Billy Bob Thorton’s friends kick ass ”I've been married five times, and people think that's some bizarre thing, yet I've got buddies who refuse to get married and [have sex with] 15 people a week. I'm like, which is better? At least I was trying.”--Billy Bob 3. You have probably seen those Seed of Chucky movie premieres that end with Chucky driving a Brittney look-a-like over a cliff followed by a “Brittney Spears Does not Appear in This Movie”. For awhile I thought that was actually a selling point of this movie, I mean they guarantee Brittney isn’t in it! That automatically makes it better than any movie she has been in. It turns out that the directors were poking fun at the Brit-meister for snubbing them on a proposed movie role. Obviously Ms. Spears…I mean Mrs. Federline (although they may be divorced by the time I finish this article) is pissed, and we all know what that means….its Dance Off time. 4. Apparently Tommy Lee is attending college at Nebraska. Personally, I find it admirable that a forty year old has such a strong urge to educate him self in order to better provide for his family…wait a minute! Tommy Lee is filthy rich! I thought you were supposed to go to college in order to be better prepared for the work force; Tommy Lee doesn’t need to enter the work force. Perhaps he is taking classes that will teach him something new…what! He is taking drumming!

Comments (8) | Permalink

Tuesday, November 9, 2004

Achtung Baby! I was going to write a story about a dream that I had the other night but I didn’t. Instead I wasted a horrible amount of time humming song lyrics in an attempt to fill out Shin’s quiz. Obviously, way too many of my brain cells are wasted on lyrics…no wonder I am so scatter brained. I watched the Victory Road pay-per-view on Sunday; it was quite awesome. Despite a few lackluster matches (the four on four tag team match blew) it was pretty entertaining. Even the Hardy vs. Jarrett match was fun despite Jarrett’s victory. Ladder matches are always fun and Jarrett bumped like hell for Hardy. The twenty man X-Division gauntlet was absolutely sick. It was awesome to see so many smaller aerial wrestlers in the ring at once. Despite the crowd, every wrestler got to hit their spots, and it was great seeing Brian Kendrick (Spanky) on television again. I did have one problem with the show, however. They included a midget wrestling match. It was horrifying. I watched as every nightmare I ever had emerged on my television screen. Actually, that is a lie. I found it so disturbing that I went and picked up some takeout while the segment was on. Well, I think I am done here today, in the words of one of the greatest pigs ever not turned into bacon…”That’s all Folks!”

Comments (8) | Permalink

Monday, November 8, 2004

Desire I came to the conclusion that most of the great lovers in Western literature are masochists. Think about it for a moment, Romeo and Juliet, Tristram and Iseult, Lancelot and Guinevere, even as far back as Paris and Helen, all of these duets were destined for tragedy. The authors empowered their characters with the knowledge that their love would have dire consequences, yet they allowed their characters to love. While our western culture often equates love with beauty, we also equate love to pain. Perhaps our culture has mixed and perverted love, pain, and beauty so that we tend to be left more with desire than anything else. At the very least it is something to think about.

Comments (14) | Permalink

Friday, November 5, 2004

A Little Bit Of Funny… My grandfather told me this joke when I was four (although I probably didn’t understand it until I was eight), and, although it isn’t nearly as funny as the interrupting cow joke, I do have some odd fixation with it. A man walked into a bar looking a bit tired, disheveled, and all around miserable. He sat down at the bar and ordered a double while making the casual small talk with the bar tender that all distraught men do. He received his drink and began to drown his sorrow when he noticed an average man wearing a pathetically thick pair of horned rim glasses and an even more pathetic expression on his face. Recognizing each others misery the two men compared their sorrow and shared their war stories about work, money, and women. Of course, as the night wore on and the two consumed more and more alcohol, their conversation became much more casual and the conversation was much more enjoyable. Around eleven thirty the man in the horn rimmed glasses leaned over to his new found friend and ginned a conspiratorial grin, “What if I told you that between midnight and quarter after you can dive off of the Liberty building (the cities tallest building), hurtle down to the ground, touch the street with you index finger, and be magically lifted safely back to the roof.” “Sir,” replied the other man, “I believe you have had a bit too much to drink.” The man in the horn rimmed glasses smiled, “C’mon, I can prove it.” It was a minute after midnight and both the men stood half drunk on the roof of the Liberty building. The man in the horn rimmed glasses smiled, and, before his compatriot could protest, dove off of the building. The other man stared down in horror as his new friend plummeted to the street below. His horror, however, was soon replaced by wonder and awe as the man slowed as he reached the street, touched the pavement with his index finger, and was quickly hurtled through the air, back to the safety of the roof. “See, I told you so,” the man said as adjusted his horned rimmed glasses. “You want to give it a shot?” The other man nodded and dove off the building, screaming in excitement as he plummeted to the street. The jovial scream was cut short by a rather unpleasant “splat” when the man hit the road at a very rapid velocity. The man with the horn rimmed glasses walked back into the bar and ordered another shot. “Hey Bill,” the man said to the bartender, “why don’t you put my bill on my buddies tab.” The bartender looked warily at the man in the horn rimmed glasses. “Jesus Christ Superman, you are a real son of a bitch when you are drunk.”

Comments (7) | Permalink

Thursday, November 4, 2004

Blatant Robbery I was hoping to write something silly or funny today but nothing silly or funny (or even slightly witty) popped into my head. So I went searching for news stories or celebrity faux pas to poke fun at but nothing really caught my eye. After that failed I looked through my guest book in hopes of stumbling upon some material. Once I began reading the entries, however, I realized that would be easier than shooting fish in a barrel. Then it dawned on me, why bother rambling on incoherently for a few paragraphs when you can steal a quiz from someone else’s site! Obviously I modified it a bit. 1. Who do you want to be? 2. Are you cool enough to be my friend? 3. When we met was I drunk? 4. I know that you have a crush on me, but do you view me as a sexual icon?? 5. Will our first kiss include a little tongue or a lot? 6. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it. 7. Describe me in one word or an abbreviation. 8. What was your third impression of me? 9. Do you still think that way about me now, or have you formed additional indecisive impressions? 10. What reminds you of me, besides pornography? 11. If you could give me anything, with the exception of a venereal disease, what would it be? 12. How well do you know me…or…What is my favorite color? 13. When's the last time you saw someone as beautiful as me? 14. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't? 15. Have you already put this quiz in your journal, and are you jealous that you didn’t think of perverting it as I did? 16. What is you favorite Ashlee Simpson song? 17. Do you love me?

Comments (5) | Permalink

Wednesday, November 3, 2004

Army of Darkness I don’t remember exactly when I first noticed the pumpkins on my back porch; it was probably a few days prior to Halloween. I still am not sure how they got there; I would guess that my neighbor bought them in a sudden festive fit only to realize he had no place else to put them. They were pleasant enough pumpkins and they weren’t in my way, so I soon forgot about them. On the Friday before Halloween I walked out my back door a stepped into a large puddle of pumpkin goop. It looked as though my neighbor attempted to carve one of the pumpkins but forgot to cut its top off and remove the pulp. I laughed, shook my head and headed off to work. The following morning, the pumpkins were butchered even more and pumpkin guts were strewn across the entire stoop. I realized that my neighbor probably wasn’t responsible for this mess; some kid probably came over and smashed one of the pumpkins. I came back home around mid-afternoon and I caught the pumpkin murdering culprits mid crime. On my stoop, munching on pumpkin, sat two of the largest squirrels I had ever seen. When I approached the stoop one of them bounded off, terrified. The other remained perched, munching on pumpkin, entirely unintimidated. When I was within arms length of the critter it began squeaking at me, sound bizarrely like flipper. So I did what any sane person would do, I crouched close to the ground, grabbed a handful of pumpkin guts and began cooing to it. I’ll be damned if the bugger didn’t walk up to me, sniff my hand and greedily eat my pumpkin as I stroked its head with my thumb. Obviously, ever since that day I have been pondering using my bond with that giant squirrel to amass a squirrel army and conquer the universe…

Comments (9) | Permalink

Tuesday, November 2, 2004

Vote or Die Bitch! The media tries to shove a lot of bullshit down your throat. They tell you that you should vote because you have the right, the freedom, to vote and that makes it a responsibility. That logic also would lead me to believe that since I have the right, the freedom, to bear arms I have the responsibility to go out and buy a glock. The whole “you have to vote because you can” line is absolute bullshit. I don’t want you to vote if you don’t care or you are uninformed about what you are voting for. Today I knew that I had to vote, not because Puff Daddy told me to (Vote or Die? please…if Poppa Diddy Pop threatened me I’d knock the Mohawk right off his poser head for ruining Kashmir), but because I felt a strong dislike for a presidential candidate. I am not a voting virgin. I voted in ’98 and in 2000, and both were pleasant experiences. People in Ohio, however, are a bit more…uhm….what is the word I am looking for? Ah!... psychotic than my fellow Carolinians. When I arrived at my designated polling place I was instantly accosted by a band of Kerry fanatics. I guess I misled them by being young. Their ring leader came up to me, gave me a button, and thanked me for coming and supporting Kerry. I replied by telling him that only the first part of the “assumption” saying is true, in other words to assume makes an ass out of u. I should have kept my yapper shut. The Kerry cronies surrounded me and attempted to engage me in a spirited debate. By spirited I mean they accused me of supporting a murdering war monger and blocked me from entering my polling place. Obviously I told them that they were hypocritical fucks spawned by the antichrist and if America meant anything to them they wouldn’t try to bar people’s access to the voting booth. Then I walked through them…roughly. After I signed in at the voting booth my identity was challenged by a republican challenger person. I had to flash two forms of identification, however, in his defense, he was very polite. Anyway, I did my democratic duty, not because Puff Daddy told me so mind you, but because I felt I had to. I also felt I had to go give some final advice to the Kerry cronies before I headed home…after all speech is a right, a freedom, and that would cause me to infer that cussing out those fuckers was my responsibility.

Comments (12) | Permalink

Monday, November 1, 2004

Werewolves of Perkinswood Boulevard I have never been a fan of Mondays. They always come when they are expected, yet no one really wants them to arrive, sort of like a drunk uncle that shows up for dinner even though he was never invited. This Monday seems worse than other Mondays. Maybe it is because it hasn’t passed yet or maybe it is because I am still recovering from a slight sugar coma induced after eating one to many miniature candy bars. Regardless, I am threateningly swearing at the clocks second hand as it slowly crawls its way across the face’s circumference. Anyway, I celebrated Halloween on Saturday, because it was more convenient than celebrating on Sunday. It was a fun evening, and I made more than my fair share of merriment. Since it was warm I decided to dress up as Zeus. I wore a pair of sandals, a crown of leaves (unfortunately I had to substitute olives with oak), a toga (i.e. white bed sheet), and I wielded a plastic lightening bolt that I found in my cousins garage. I smote quite a few people with my mighty plastic lightening bolt. One thing I really like about Halloween is how provocative (perhaps slut-ish is a better word) so many girls dress. They don’t just dress as a devil or a cat or a French maid, they dress as a slutty cat or a slutty devil or a…well I guess a French maid is already pretty slutty. I think this is a trend that should carry over to other Holidays. Nothing would be cooler than waking up Christmas morning to a pile of presents and a slutty French maid. Anyway, I hope that everyone had a happy Halloween.

Comments (8) | Permalink

Friday, October 29, 2004

All Aboard the Logic Train…. It is odd that when a politician chooses a platform or position on something logic is often tossed out the window. This is never more prevalent then on ethical issues that tend to infringe on a person’s religious beliefs. On Tuesday, Americans will not only elect a president, we will vote on a host of other issues (most of which impact our lives much more directly than the President). Voting Ohioans will also get to choose whether or not to validate “Issue One” or “The Sanctity of Marriage Bill”. Now even though I oppose this bill, there are some logical arguments that support it (one of them being if Gay marriage is permitted won’t polygamy also have to be allowed and wouldn’t all beneficial tax credits have to be extended to them as well? [Obviously, the logical rebuttal is “why don’t we abolish marriage related tax credits?”]). However, the politician that is spearheading this bill approaches it in a horribly illogical fashion. He makes it seem that the population of Ohio, nay, the population of the universe depends on “Issue One” passing, because when gay marriage is permitted we will no longer reproduce as a species. Obviously said politician thinks that as soon as gay marriage is permitted every straight man in existence is going to jump on the corn hole conga and every heterosexual woman is going to fall to all four and begin hovering some carpet. The truth is that gay marriage is only going to effect one group of people…homosexuals. These ridiculous lapses in logic seem to be prevalent very often in politics, no matter what country you live in. The horrifying thing is that the public seems to latch onto these opinions far too often.

Comments (6) | Permalink