So I am twenty-four. Hurray for me. However, I couldn’t think of that many random thoughts so here are twelve.
1. Michael Jackson previously paid twenty million dollars in settlement during his prior molestation charge. Hey Mike, for six million I’ll claim that I dressed up like you and molested whoever you want me to have molested.
2. Jennifer Lopez married Mark Anthony, which is really odd considering Anthony is gay. Maybe Jenny from the block’s real name is Johnny with a cock.
3. C-Listers Ali Landry and Mario Lopez (Saved by the Bell’s jeri-curl riddled AC Slater) filed for divorce. Obviously no one cares.
4. So many OBers have been dying their hair that I decided to jump onto the bandwagon and give it a go. Unfortunately I knew my bosses would disapprove so I colored the “hair down there”. Yes, I now give a whole new meaning to the term blue-balled.
5. I think that the Jelly-Belly Corporation killed Ronald Regan in an attempt to boost sales.
6. Britney Spears canceled her summer tour after blowing out her knee during a video shoot with Snoop Dogg. I am sure your imaginations are more than powerful enough to put two and two together in this scenario.
7. The Pistons defeated the Lakers in the NBA tournament. Upset by his shoddy performance, Kobe Bryant immediately went home and slept with a twelve year old girl.
8. On Thursday the September 11th committee will discuss whether or not it would have been possible for jet fighters to shoot down the hijacked airplanes as a last means of defense. On Friday they are going to discuss whether or not it would have been possible for Superman to fly fast enough to cause the world to spin backwards thereby causing us to move backwards in time to before September 11th.
9. John Kerry raised $100 million in the past three months, raising his campaign total to $140 million. How much money does $140 million equate to? Well, if you are Michael Jackson it means that you can afford to molest at least seven little boys.
10. Recently there has been quite a bit of skepticism over the female sex patch. First there was the pill, now the patch, are women trying to avoid becoming pregnant or are they trying to quit smoking. Y’know what I am waiting for? I am waiting for the gum, that will be the greatest pregnancy deterrent ever.
11. Alanis Morissette is engaged. To a guy. Yeah, I was surprised as well.
12. One more year and I will be a quarter of a century old. Fortunately my brain is still only six.
