This has been circulating my office as of late and I thought it was humorous enough to post so….
COMPANY POLICY TO ALL EMPLOYEES:
As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we
are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.
Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement,
thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future.
Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the
current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect
immediately.
This program will be known as SLAP. (Sever Late-Age Personnel). Employees
who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the
company. SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment
records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the
program is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).
All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with
upper management. This appeal is called SHAFT(Study by Higher Authority
Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may
be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the
company deems appropriate.
If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get
HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP
(Combined Lump-sum Assistance Payment). As HERPES and CLAP are considered
benefit plans, an employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer
be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.
Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that
the company will continue its policy of training employees through our
Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). We take pride in the amount of
SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any
company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough
SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is
specially trained to make sure you receive all the SHIT you can stand.
And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.
THE MANAGEMENT
