Dear Lindsey,
Earlier today I was flipping through television channels when I came across the most offensive thing I have ever both heard and seen, your music (if you call it music) video, Rumors. Boy was it ever terrible. I am aware that pop music doesn’t really require much talent, if any. However, Miss Lohan, I think you actually possess negative talent. Not only did the song cause my ears to bleed, but your odd vampiric talent (well, lack thereof) drained a bit of my musical ability.
Don’t fret though, Lindsey, some good came out of Rumors. Despite the song’s horrible…well horrible everything, it has inspired me to live a better life. Yes, after listening to Rumors I decided to devout my life to caring for the poor and destitute. I have radically altered my life because I fear that if I die and wind up in hell your horrible fucking song will be playing on perpetual loop.
Thanks for polluting the air waves with this shit; I am sure Clear Channel will make you a huge star,
~HC
P.S. Jesus Christ, what were you thinking?
P.S.S. has anyone ever told you that you are unnaturally tanned?
