I was a little bored last night so I decided to call up my friend Jesus to hang out. Like usual he arrived with his whole entourage. Don’t get me wrong, John and Paul are pretty cool guys, but Peter has wicked body odor, Mark has really bad teeth yet smiles constantly, Mary is always sneaking off to the bathroom to do blow, and the archangels constantly molt, scattering feathers everywhere.
Anyway, we partied for a couple hours, the “G” man (that is what we call Jesus because he is going through a FUBU and Sean Jean phase, why he wants to look like D’Ali G is beyond me) did the usual water into Heineken bit, and we all got pretty smashed.
At some point in the evening Mary whipped out Dance Dance Revoltuion! and everyone flipped out. I still don’t see what the fascination with the game is, although, after drinking a bit, I began finding it mildly amusing. Obviously the “G” man took us all to school, not because he is the son of God, but because the skinny bastard break dances like a mother fucker.
By three o’clock every one but me, Jesus, and Peter (who was upstairs puking in the bathroom, swearing to Jesus that he would never drink again…which got a good chuckle out of the “G” man)had passed out. Jesus and I were talking politics and discussing the ramifications of the war in Iraq. Although I don’t always agree with his point of view (I often find it quite naïve) it is nice to hear the opinion of a devout Buddhist every now and them.
By four o’clock me and “G” were so drunk that we could barely stand up. Jesus decided to play some pranks on the others. I “nared” one of Mark's eye brows off and Jesus filled a condom with mayonnaise and put it between Paul and Mary, who were sleeping close to each other on the couch. Then Jesus, delirious from imbibing mass quantities of tequila, dropped his pants and started urinating on my kitchen floor. I asked him what he was doing and he mumbled something about it being cool. Then I said a few choice words that I would come to regret.
“Jesus, for being the son of God you are a real son of a bitch.”
Now, Jesus has some real abandonment issues (his father forsook him) and this, coupled with the booze, made him break down. I tried to console him but I really didn’t know what to say, how the hell are you supposed to console Christ? So I went to sleep.
This morning Jesus used his Christ powers to clean up my house. As we said our goodbyes I felt that Jesus bore me no ill will. He is a forgiving guy after all.
