Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls of all ages welcome to the most spectacular fake celebrity New Years Eve celebration fabricated by Charlie this year. That’s right, its time for…
The Super Mega Celebrity Fun Time New Years Celebration Party and Stuff!!
And here is your special host, he is every woman’s favorite person to douse with pepper spray, Char…I mean Heaven’s Cloud!
roars of applause….I said applaud damn you, don’t you dare heckle me on my own special
HC: Thank you, thank you. Give a big hand to the Super Mega Fun Time New Years Band featuring the Max Weinberg 7!!
Wow, to be honest, I was a tad nervous hosting such an illustrious event. Out of all the New Years shows in the entire world, this one has to, by far, have the most prestigious history. Max, how many years would you guess this event has taken place?
Max: Uh, what do you mean? This is the first Super Mega Celebrity Fun Time New Years Celebration Party and Stuff ever.
HC: Really? Are you positive?
Max: Absolutely. Just look at the banner above your podium, it says “First Ever Super Mega Celebrity Fun Time New Years Celebration Party and Stuff”
HC: Son of a bitch, I am going to kill my manager. How am I ever going to get that supporting role on Law and Order now?
A ba-dum-snick echoes for Max’s drum kit
HC: Was that a drum crash Weinberg? I wasn’t making a joke. This was my chance to shine, my chance to prove myself, my dream. Why is it the “Max Weinberg” 7 anyway? You are the fucking drummer, you keep time. The only person less important than you is the bass guitar player.
Max: Heheh, you are such a kidder.
HC: Kidder? Kidder? You’ll see how much of a kidder I am when I come up there and shove that drum kit up your yuppie ass.
Max: Now wait a minu..owww, god damn it that hurts…no not that not th…
Announcer: Uh, haha, the crazy HC, you never know how an emotionally unstable person will react when his dreams are stolen in one unmerciful swoop. Shinmaru is standing by with our fist celebrity special guest, why don’t we cut to him. Shin?
Shin: Thanks guys. I am here with pop sensation and all around whore Brittney Spears.
Brittney: Hey everybody, happy New Year, Kevin I love you baby! I love you!
Shin: Well Brittney, 2004 was some year for you. You released a greatest hits album. You promoted your own fragrance, “Curiosity”. You married a childhood friend for fifty hours in Vegas. Then you got married to an even more prolific member of America’s white trash community, Kevin Federline. But I think that everyone really wants to know what possessed you to walk into a gas station’s public restroom barefoot? I mean, that is just disgusting.
Brittney: I know it seems disgusting, but I assure you it isn’t as gross as it seems. First off, no matter what my mother said, I didn’t walk into the restroom barefoot because of an uncomfortable foot condition. No. Actually I was at the doctors the other day and he told me that I am infected with every venereal disease known to man, and a few only found in reptiles. These diseases, combined with my body’s extraordinary silicone content, have made me impervious to all germs and viruses.
Shin: So your skankyness has made you more or less invincible? By the way, what is that awful smell?
Brittney: Oh, that is just my vagina.
Shin: I see. I think I am going to be ill. Back to you HC.
HC: Wow, that is one dirty whore; I hope you haven’t eaten anything spicy in the past few hours Shin. Spicy food is never pleasant coming back up. Our next guest needs no introduction. He is a cold hearted killer that can now be seen on death row. Scott Peterson ladies and gentlemen!
Scott: Thanks HC, its good to be here.
HC: I am sure it feels good to be anywhere besides prison. So what does it feel like to know that the state will soon be putting you down with a nice, painless, lethal injection?
Scott: Well HC, I tend to be an optimist, so I guess I am just glad I won’t be getting anal raped for the next thirty years.
HC: Well Scott, we have a special belated Christmas present for you. This hulking brute behind me is Jaquil, a current inmate of Riker’s Island. He has personally guaranteed me that he can squeeze in at least eight years of sexual abuse in one night. Have fun getting your shit pushed in Scott.
Now we are going to send you to St. Jude’s hospital where Sarah is standing by with Dick Clark.
Sarah: Thanks HC. I am here with prominent New Years host Dick Clark. Mr. Clark, how do you feel about having to relinquish your coveted “Rockin’ New Year” spot to Regis Philbin?
Nurse: I am sorry, Mr. Clark cannot take questions, he is recovering from a second heart attack.
Sarah: Can it lady, we all know that Dick Clark isn’t human. He is an automatronic entity created by Walt Disney in the thirties.
Nurse: I am going to have o ask you to leave.
Sarah: God damn it, not again. Back to you Charlie.
HC: Thanks Sarah. Y’know, every year at this time journalists and critics write their “year in review” articles, stating what was a hit and a miss this year. Tonight we have singer Beyonce Knowles here with us to discuss one of the recording industries most notorious “year in review” articles printed in “Sweet Hypocrisy” magazine. Beyonce, are you excited by this article?
Beyonce: Not really. I know that Tony the writer realizes that my only asset is my ass. I doubt I will be mentioned at all in his article. Actually I am not even sure why I am here.
HC: Actually, I booked you on the show just so I could slip some roofies into your Perrier and make sweet sweet love to you later this evening. The drugs should take effect in four, three, two, …score. While I take her up to my hotel room I’ll send you to Sara, who has an important New Years safety announcement.
Sara: Every year tens of people are sent to the hospital due to improper sticker usage. I understand that stickers are toys, but this insanity has to stop. If you are unsure how to properly stick stickers, please call the number below. We will rush you out a pamphlet explaining how to properly stick stickers as well as a free set of stickers from PETA. Thank you and remember…
The “The More You Know” logo appears below Sara
HC: Thank you Sara, and now I will send you over to Mimmi, our Swedish correspondent.
The camera flashes to a bedroom where a couple is under the covers doing not so innocent things. The screen turns to snow and cuts back to HC
HC: Wow that was kind of kinky. Isn’t our UK correspondent, Solo, visiting Sweden? Hmmm. Perhaps we cut should cut to Aleia who is standing by with our resident sex tape specialist Paris Hilton.
Aleia: Thanks HC. Paris, what do you think about our Swedish broadcast?
Paris: That’s hot.
Aleia: I agree. That was hot, and you are untalented. Back to you Charlie.
HC: Thanks Aleia, you may want to offer Paris a tissue, she has some cum on her lip.
Well we have to cut to a commercial break but don’t change that channel!
Announcer: Coming up we have Tori and the Rockets, our down under segment with James, and Arcadia, Shy, Baron, and Alex interviewing a slew of scandalous celebs!
