Wednesday, December 31, 2003

Well, I abandoned my attempt trying to and create graphics for my myOtaku.com site. Work has been insane lately and I haven’t had much time to sneak on PSP and create graphics. Since my free trial of PSP runs out tomorrow I guess I’ll postpone what I want to do until I finish my computer in February (yep, I already have plans to spend my tax refund!). Anyway, time to ring in the New Year with a new addition to my myOtaku, an addition I blatantly copied from countless TV shows and comedy routines, the FAKE NEWS! 1. The Santa Barbra Police Department has created a new public relations department to help change the publics’ conception of SB police officers from negative to positive. The PR firm’s first image enhancing campaign will launch with the release of video and audio tapes depicting officers beating the shit out of Michael Jackson. 2. Members of Michael Jackson’s family rallied around the singer to show support and condemn the police officers’ brutality. Jackson’s sister, Latoya, had this to say about the incident: “I, I mean Michael, haven’t…uhm, hasn’t been beaten that badly since I was five and I spun left instead right on an American bandstand performance. Boy was my dad pissed that night, I don’t think I, I mean Michael, has ever been beaten that badly…” 3. A One hundred and fifty-five million dollar lottery ticket was sold in Ohio the other day. Although yours truly does not play the lottery, I did notice a man running down the street screaming “I won! I won!” over and over again and waiving a small scrap of paper above his head. After bludgeoning him to death with a tire iron I realized that he had only won ten dollars on a scratch and win ticket. Boy was I ever embarrassed. 4. Furious over US plans to fingerprint and photograph foreign travelers as they pass through immigration at national air and sea ports, a Brazilian judge plans to do the same to Americans that travel to Brazil. When asked how they felt about this new policy, the six Americans that actually plan on traveling to Brazil seemed a bit confused that Brazil actually owned a camera. Brazilian Federal Judge Julier Sebastiao da Silva had this to say about the US’s new policy: "I consider the act absolutely brutal, threatening human rights, violating human dignity, xenophobic and worthy of the worst horrors committed by the Nazis". Da Silva used this same logic to not only copy the new US immigration policy but to also re-institute an old Nazi policy, the swift extermination of all Brazilian Jews. 5. In the past week two dead bodies have been found in wheel wells of planes at John F. Kennedy airport in New York. The FAA is astonished because wheel wells typically have twice the room that coach seats offer. 6. In an entirely unrelated incident, a woman recently attempted to choke a US Air Marshal during her flight. Apparently the woman was acting disruptive during the flight and may have been under the influence of alcohol during the flight. Although it is unknown why the woman attacked the marshal, it is this fake reporter’s guess that he was the one that presented the woman with her airline bar tab. Six dollars for a miniature can of beer! That’s just ridiculous! 7. France announced that they will be the first country to agree with Washington’s request to deploy air marshals on all international flights over US airspace. The French air marshals will be armed with a stun gun, a sharp condescending, tongue, and a foul odor guaranteed to send terrorists searching for alternative nefarious plans. 8. Tonight is New Year’s Eve and despite the heightened state of alert that the country is under, hundreds of thousands of people will flock to Times Square tonight, proving once and for all that America doesn’t take its government precautions seriously…although should the government expect us to take it seriously? C’mon, for the past fifty years Mickey Mouse has received over two percent of America’s popular vote in every presidential race, obviously government expectations for the ordinary man is quite low, hence the color coded warning system. Happy New Years!

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