Wednesday, March 3, 2004

Fake News

1. Several weeks after his withdrawal from the Democratic presidential race, Howard Dean captured his first victory winning the Vermont Primary. Governor Dean trounced his former opponents in his home state, defeating Democratic favorite John Kerry by a two to one margin. “This win means so much to me,” Dean said. “Almost as much as winning New Hampshire, Iowa, North Dakota, New York, South Carolina, Washington, Michigan and California would have! Rrrraaaarrrggghhhh!” Howard Dean plans to use this victory to launch a grassroots organization built around his most staunch supporters the “Deaniacs”. When questioned about the former candidate’s victory both John Kerry and President Bush responded with identical comments, “Fuck Vermont.” 2. A law banning Islamic headscarves in public schools was overwhelmingly adopted by the French Senate on Wednesday. Although the law bans any piece of clothing or jewelry that conspicuously announce a student’s religion, it was made clear by authorities that the bill was aimed at removing Islamic headscarves from the classroom. French President Jacques Chirac, who fully supports the bill stated that “the law is needed to support the cherished principle of French secularism and to support the even more important, more cherished French principle of ‘sticking it to the towel heads’” The statement drew reactions from Muslims around the world. Even Osama Bin Laden’s lieutenant, Ayman al-Zawahri, spoke out against the bill stating that the French law ``is another example of the Crusader's malice, which Westerns have against Muslims. Who cares if Muslims practice the tradition of wearing headscarves? It is much less offensive than the French tradition of refusing to bath…those guys smell like camel offal for Allah’s sake!” 3. The prosecution in the Kobe Bryant rape trial is attempting to overturn the judge’s decision to allow defense attorneys to ask detailed questions about the victim’s sexual history. The prosecutors argue that the woman’s sexual history is irrelevant to the trial and that she should be protected under Colorado’s rape shield law. Call me unenlightened, but in a high profile case like this, doesn’t the victim’s sexual history have quite a bit of relevancy to this case. If the victim did have sex fifteen hours after she was allegedly raped by Kobe Bryant I think that her definition of “rape” parallels most people’s definition of “consensual sex”. Now that I think about it my girlfriend is usually too distressed fifteen hours after having sex to have sex again…. 4. In other news Michael Jackson is still creepy. 5. Now former Haitian President Aristide is claiming that America forced him to flee from Haiti in a modern day coup d’etat. For those unfamiliar with the language “Aristide” is Haitian for “little bitch”. Vice President Dick Cheney responded to Aristide’s accusations between heart attacks saying “it is not true. We wanted the Haitian revolutionaries to kill the little prick…” 6. “Heather Specyalski, 33, was charged with second-degree manslaughter in the crash that killed businessman Neil Esposito. Prosecutors allege that she was driving Esposito's Mercedes-Benz convertible when it veered off the road and hit several trees. But Specyalski claims that Esposito was driving, and she was performing oral sex on him at the time, said her attorney, Jeremiah Donovan.” That is a direct quote from an Associated Press article, I really don’t think that I could add or modify it in any way to make it more humorous….

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