Monday, March 15, 2004

Random Thoughts 1. Don't fry bacon naked. 2. Nickelodeon's "TV Land" television station is airing an award show. Yes, TV Land airs only re-runs of "classic" television shows like "I Dream of Genie" and "Hogan's Heroes". Ah, the ironing is delicious. 3. Look in the mirror and recite random thought number two out loud, making air quotations with your index and middle fingers when reading the quoted material. Then realize how stupid you look and cry in shame and self pity. 4. Two prolific actors have been nominated for Nickelodeon's "TV Land" award's most coveted honor. Dick Sergeant and Dick York have both been nominated for the "biggest 'Dick' in television history" award. 5. I could have opted for tact and dignity and avoided inserting a "Dick" joke into this week's random thoughts, but that really isn't my style. 6. My crippling addiction to pop-rocks and cola has potentially dangerous side effects, almost as dangerous as the side effects of my other, less crippling addiction, heroin. 7. Italian-Americans are often horribly stereotyped as loud, obnoxious, abusive people that have a penchant for nefarious deeds. Even more horrible then this stereotype is the indisputable fact that Italian-Americans are loud, obnoxious, abusive people that have a penchant for nefarious deeds. 8. Author's note: Please substitute the term fact with the term blatant generalization that is probably a bold, horrendous lie in any prior or future installments of random thoughts. 9. Do you think victims in horror movies hear the eerie background noises before they are slaughtered? 10. I went to IHOP the other day and attempted to order stuffed "Freedom" Toast. My waitress looked at me like I was insane, but, personally I think she is the one who is a bit off her rocker. After she insisted six times that "French" toast was the exact same food product as freedom toast I asked for her manager. He too insisted that "French" toast was the same food product as freedom toast. After arguing for a few minutes I was kicked out of IHOP. Needless to say I have now determined that IHOP is a very anti-American organization and was probably initially formed by former Nazi generals that were escaping prosecution for war crimes. 11. Okay, so I never really went to IHOP, but we all know that my "reality" is only vaguely realistic. However, I do stand by my comment that IHOP was formed by Nazi generals. Just look at the initials. Sure IHOP could stand for International House Of Pancakes but isn't it more likely that IHOP stands for I Hate Orthodox Jews and Polacks? 12. What would you find more disconcerting, a camel without a hump or a camel trying to hump a spider monkey? 13. Number twelve was a rhetorical question. Everyone knows that a camel without a hump is infinitely more disturbing then a camel with an overactive sex drive. 14. Elmo is the antichrist.

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