Friday, April 14, 2006

On a Wire ~
It's been a really long time since I've left myO. I've tried other placed for an online journal and none of them seemed as sastifactory as this one.

So how as life been treating me? Let's put it this way...

I've found my dead friend, Ben. Got an online boyfriend who dumped me because he was terrified of meeting me face to face, mother started a business that flopped, Halloween was ruined because my bitch of a sister just HAD to take my idea of getting married on Halloween and used my party as a reception with out asking, got stabbed in the back about three times from people not worth my time nor mentioning. A friend of mine has distanced herself so far that I'm woundering when I'll see her next that's if I ever see her again. I dropped out of school again in a mad hurry to find a job because people were complaining about not having enough money to pay bills and then I find out that it's okay for some stupid reason and I shouldn't have left school in the frist place. I've been cutting myself more often now due to depression and the need to continue the cycle of abuse that I've been living through. Got two new roommates and both have no clue as to what a bath is let alone soap and water. I now have to go over to a friend's house in order to get a decent amount of sleep and I've had a sore - scratchy throat for over two weeks now and it's not getting any better.

I feel so stressed out that I'm not wanting to leave my room for anything, let alone find a job. I feel so pressured to do things that I shouldn't have to do... I'm so tired, but I keep on walking down this damn path while trying to figure out how to make things better. Wounder if I'll ever find a way.

I'm hoping to find a boy friend soon, someone I can actually touch and not just chat to over the net. Bah, but before I do that I need to drop some weight, I may look WAY thinner than I am, but I want to be fit, not just slim. Ya know? I want to be able to do things like join kendo clubs and stuff like that. I also need to crack down on my language, I'm starting to loose some of my vocabulary, that sucks. Anyway, that's it for now. Later High-Jackers.
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Wednesday, June 8, 2005

Sorry to say

But I'm leaving MyO. I'm just relocating myself to a different place that's all. I won't be fully gone until the end of the week so if you wish to have the URL to the new place then please contact me.

Why am I leave?
First off, some people I know read it and they are total jerks about it and won't leave me alone, thus why I'm relocating so I can still have a journal.

Also it's a little too cheery here and when I write down my problems no one wants to hear it because everyone is on valume or something. So I don't get comments and I feel a little shunned for that, but that's just my manic depressive side speaking.

Other than that I had a good time. Thanks everyone.
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Monday, May 23, 2005

From Far Away
Every had one of those days where you feel like you're out of place? Everything around you is just stagnant or foreign. All you wish to do is what is pulling at you from deep with in but you don't know what that something is.

I'm not sure if you have had that feeling before but I have had it all my life. I think I want to travel, because there are times where I'll just walk and walk and walk and I have no where to go so I just keep on walking until I finially decide to turn back and go home. I've actually bloodied up my feet doing this because I wouldn't stop until I was home. A lot of times I have dreams, and these are the most frequent, where I'm putting stuff in a cloth sack (a nap-sack?) and I throw it over my shoulder then just leave. In these dreams I keep on walking through vast fields, rolling hills, and a few forests. The forests I don't remember much but I do remember that the trees had very thick trunks. The roots arche out of the ground and then plung back in. Moss is thick and warm in the patches of sun light and everything seem to be spaced with little to no bramble, bushes, and what-nots. What I remember the most from these dreams are the fields. The fields are so pretty and have such a wounderful smell to them. The weeds don't stick into your clothing as badly as they do around where I live. Green and gold plants mix together. But the odd part is that no matter how much I think back to these dreams I have never seen an animal or another person, except for one. It's a man and all I see is his back and he's far away and I'm running up to him. All he does is wait for me... I think he's waiting for me.
Anyway, those are my most relaxing dreams. They fill me full of motivation too.

Tonight I had that dream again (yes it's like crazy early in the morning right now and I can't get back to sleep) so I decided to get up and do some stuff. I ended up registering for summer school. Hopefully I can get my English 101 out of the way if all goes well. Also, I plan on taking an art class. People keep on telling me I should do something with my art (been actually threatened with boldily harm by a former High School teacher and a former Employer if I didn't make something out of myself art wise) and I know the college I go to offers art classes so I'm gonna give it a shot. Maybe I'll be able to learn how to draw comics in the near furture. That'd be cool, I've got like a billion ideas for original comics that I believe a lot of people would enjoy.

On another note, I'm really worried about my boyfriend. He's sick and the only reason why I'm getting a churning stomach is because he hasn't been on online (he lives in Canada I live in the US) for a long time and I got a message from him saying he was doing okay but got a but more sick. So, yeah, I know I shouldn't worry so much but here's the catch: he'll never go to the doctor. I'm serious, I've never heard him ever going to the doctor until someone, most-likely his parents, drags him to one, and that's like a rarity. So, uuuugh, ulcer.

BUT! I'm not going to let that keep me down. I know he'll pull through because... well he's Neiko, he can do anything. So I'm gonna consintrate on school, kick my GPA up and then attend Summer School.

Yeah,
I can do this.
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Saturday, May 14, 2005

To early to care~
Sorry I haven't updated when I said I would. At the doctor they made me breath into this weird vapor thing for over 20 minutes. It turned out that I WAS coughing to the point it tore up my throat. So now I'm just pumping myself full of penisilen. I'm a lot better now but I'm still shaking on things so I don't think I'll be able to go to school today. I was thinking I could but then I took a shower and I nearly fell over several times just trying to wash my hair, so I'm really not fit to drive.

Anyway, I'm way to tired to sit for 5 hours and type when I'm falling asleep just typing this. No matter what I'm going to have to be going to school on Monday but by my recovery rate I shouldn't have to worry about that. So I'm doing good, ja na.
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Thursday, May 12, 2005

Zenith~

Sorry I haven't been posting. I've been sick and I woke up coughing up blood tonight (it's like 12:57am). I had to ask my brother if I could borrow some money to go to the doctor tomorrow. He gave me a lazy reply of how I'm wasteing his education money but I know he was just jokeing by the tone of his voice. My little brother tried to get my father to wake up but he wouldn't and apparently my mother thought that he was over exagerating until I showed her the bloodied handkerchief I've been using. I don't think it's all that bad, I think my coughing just kind of tore up my throat so I get a little bit of blood here and there. So in the morning I'm going to the doctor to get all fixed up.

Other than that I've just been listening to old music from video games. Like "A wish" from Secrets of Mana (the ice forest music) and "Schala's theme" from Chrono Trigger. Peaceful music that I actually get rest when I sleep to it. Such a wounderful plus.

Yesterday was when I started all of this horrible illness stuff. Jamie walked by my room and demanded that I take medicin, so I did. Then I ran out that was when I decided to lay down a rest my wherie bones (sound so old saying that), when I woke up I had the blood in my saliva and all that. I tried to blaim it on my medicin until I realized that what I took was blue not red. >_< Anyway, so after my mother saw the blood she continued to eat her sandwich and say, "You're going to be hard pressed to find a doctor this late at night." I just sighed and tried not to cough. After she finished eating she left and came back with medicin and juice which was nice of her. So now I'm just whiddling away hours waiting for the doctor's office to open so that I can go. I sleep here and there but I can't sleep much considering my flem causes me to stop breathing every once in a while. *sigh* Not fun.

I'll update you all after my visit with the doctor, until then, see ya later.
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Tuesday, May 3, 2005

"Suddenly the only thing left of yesterday is me"

Quote written on my fanart---> http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/17902340/ Apparently it's to big to submit here, aaa well.


Been feeling awkward the past few days. It's like... I don't know... like being the only thing left from the days gone by. You're suddenly the only one left from yesterday and are in a void of darkness in which you only look up every once in a while because of the whole "what's the point". You'd think that after so many years of being forgoten, pushed to the side, washed into the background, you'd get used to it. Nah, you never get used to it. All it does is causes you to develop a weird sense of humor and desensitizes you. What gets me is that most the people I know tell me that they'd never forget me, no matter what I was there friend and they'd always be there for me. Soon as I say hello they have already forgetten I exsisted. I'm not angry about it. *shrugs* Not too sure how I feel about it really since it's happened so many times in my life. I guess I feel discouraged about it, thus why it's hard to gain my trust. I remember this one girl, she would talk to me all the time, then out of the blue she stopped talking, looking, and sitting next to me. I asked her what was the deal and she told me she just got some new friends. I only smiled and told her I was happy for her and moved on. Guess I'm just that type of weirdo. I get hurt over and over again and I rarely cry because "what's the point". I'll just smile and root for people.

Sure, I'll get depressed, like MAJOR depression. I've even cut myself a few times, even got NAGI carved into my left forarm. But hey, I haven't been that depressed in a long time. I'm not sucidle, just get this odd need to cut myself. Kind of like draining out the evils that have infested within. Granted this never works so don't try it at home kiddies.

How am I feeling right now? Meh, just there. That's the best way I can discribe it. My Geography teacher seems to think I'm just a lawn orniment in his class, never met my History teacher since it's a telecourse, and my AOS teacher hates my guts to the point that she has no freaking clue how far I am in the class. Then there are the issues with the roommates. Cory still doesn't give a damn about anyone else, which upsets Jamie. Jamie keeps on trying to ignore him but she can't really because she thinks my brother is hot. Jamie's been in her room more and more and even when we call her up for dinner she doesn't touch it and it goes bad so we get a bit ticked. Little bro, Eric, he's still obessed over his Devil May Cry games and I think I've heard enough about Dante to last me over three life times and plus I think Dante is ugly. But Eric at least is some what civil to me but a lot of the time he just says something out of no where that's just a horrible jab. I'll give you an example;
*clears throat* About a year or so ago (yes it was this bad) he came out of the kitchen while I as studying for at test on the couch. Our sister Adriane was there and he's holding a cup of water, all is quiet and then he just blurted out, "You know, now I know why all of Hiso-chan's dogs die."

Yeah, it wasn't nice. To know the full extent I'll tell you the history of my dogs; 1st dog - hit by car, 2nd dog - got shot by neighbors, 3rd dog - had to give away, 4th dog - shot by neighbors, 5th dog - had to give away, 6th dog - puppy named Link got a disease that mades their little innerds mush - died in my arms (loved that puppy like it was my own kid, so harsh blow there), 7th dog - went insane and got put down. For a while I wouldn't even touch a dog so I finally got my father to allow me to have a cat (he's really allergic to cats). Still have her, and now I've got my 8th dog... so far he's alive, well, happy, stupid but smart most the time, and I'm keeping my eye on him to make sure nothing goes wrong.

Uh, back to roommates, Jamie... Eric... Cory... ah the last one, Adriane. Adraine has been giving me these looks as of lately like she's going to kill me in my sleep, seriously she is. So I've been kind of calling her rude names as of lately but only because I feel threatened, I've tried to tell her that but she just ignored that and kept on taking it personally. So lately I haven't been getting much sleep not only because of school but because I expect someone to come into my room with some kind of axe... hatchet, she's more of a hatchet person, and yeah... red bed sheets anyone? Thought not.
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Saturday, April 30, 2005

"I was once told to keep eye contact with a monster with deep claws, thus why my dear I can't look away from you,"
Quote from one of my characters, Tsuku (means bloodshed through piercing).

Anyway, my Geography test was a complete fuck over, most of the stuff on it I didn't recognize. I'm taking my History test today, so I'm hoping for good results on that considering I'm WAY better at History than Geography.

Ugh, the other night I was up studying right? Well I got sick and ended up nearly hurling every waking minute, still a bit sick to my stomach. I thought it was due to the amount of NoDoz I took (don't worry I only too 4) but while I was waiting for my sister today I heard some college students talking about how a lot of their friends are sick, and from the sounds of it it's the same thing. Nooooot fun. Oh well, we get a lot of stupid diceases around this area for some stupid reason. Maybe it's because of all the imbread carriers *stares at classmates, shudders*.

Putting all that to the side, my sister didn't get to medicate her cat this morning... wait, yesterday morning, yeah, Yesterday morning. She left a note asking if someone else could do it for her while she was at work. Here I was panting, having the chills while trying not to puke up what little soup I could hold down and thought, "Hey, Shoes is a nice cat so he won't be hard on me. I could just do it for her." So I managed to make it down the stairs with little stumbling and go into her room with his stupid banana flavored medication. (who the FUCK?! thought of banana flavored medicine for a cat?! What a dumbaaaaasssss!) I get into her room and spend 10 mintues chasing him around the room. I managed to catch his leg and he whirls around and knaws into my hand! The little dweb bit me! Shoes never bites! It was like his second to last dose of medication too but the little freak had to just tear into my hand like it was a big o' steak... the jerk. So now my hand is all swollen and if I go to the doctor all he'll do is go, "Uuuh, just keep it clean." Why? Because doctors are actually not allowed to stick up animal bites. Why? Because the wound could easily get infected then they'd have to take out the stitches and clean it and blah blah blah blah (had to take a friend to the hospital after getting attacked by a dog and got the low-down from the doctor).

So I'm keeping my wound clean and all that but it's still turning a nasty red color and it's really hot and I'm pretty damn sure it'll infect. Which will totally piss me off because I drive with my left hand. Yeah, habit and all that. *sniff, bottom lip quivering* And I like to drive. Oh well, sacrifices for the greater good or something like that.

In other news I got this fun card game from the local game shop called "Spooks". It's fun, the cards look really strange and the setting for the game is that you and your friends are in a haunted house and are trying to escape. So whoever runs out of cards first wins. I wanted to get a card game called "Gloom" as well, but my bro wouldn't get it for me. Gloom is where you subject your character to horrible things and make them more and more sad while trying to cheer up your opponent's characters. Whoever has the gloomiest character at the end wins. It sounds like a fun game to play when you're sick, sad, or angry. If you find those in a shop anywere near you or can get a friend to buy it for ya and mail it to you then I highly recommend them (mostly because I just love card games XD).
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Thursday, April 28, 2005

Whooooooo~ @o@
Oh yeah, I'm totally drugged up on NoDoz from pulling an all nighter. Had to study for my Geography and History test. It's like crazy early and I'm so freaking out of it that the bubbles in my background look like they are moving. So I think I'm going to cancel my extra study session after my Geography class and just crash. Not sure if I should drive so it looks like I'll need to find someone to drive me. Poor shmuk! They'll have to deal with hyper drugged up me! XD That's not fun. Last time I was this bad off I was sick and had to take a lot of Nyquil and I couldn't remember half of my night and I woke up with my spandex pants on my head and I was ontop of my dresser, plus I posted my first lemon on the net. Thus I was band from taking Nyquil. lol! No seriously that happened. So this'll be fun to see if I actually remember writting this or take my test. Good thing it's multipule choice. WHOO!!!
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Monday, April 25, 2005

Temperance


School... makes my brain hurt. *rubs head* Other than that it's good to get out and do something in the day. It's way better than staying home and cleaning stuff and not having any money to spend on yourself.

So, it's been a while since my last post. Like usual, SORRY! I've been swamped with school work but now it looks like I'm getting my act together and schedualling out what hours in the day I'm to study and what to play with. Now if only my room was as orderly as my day. XD

Anyway, new look because I was getting bored and wanted to do something. I like the new look, for some reason it reminds me of the time I went to Japan. Maybe it was the host family I was with their bubbly personalities that inspired this or perhaps it's because I was a complete happy, meek, spaz the whole time (odd combo huh?).

Last night I was listening to my Yugioh OST (japanese of course) and most of the music seems to sharpen my memory of things. I remember places better, I remember my math (which is hard for me), things I was to do and what I have done. All of it just seems to be so clear when I listen to it, freaking weird. But I like the nostalgic feeling, plus I love remembering my trip to Japan. Everyone was so nice there (besides Jun and April, those jerks!!!). I recall my sister April and I found these Yugioh cards on the corner of the street. She gave me one and kept the rest but I still have the one card, it was the coolest looking card anyway. Just a normal monster card but the warrior with the cool staff with the moon behind him just makes it extra special, or just cool to look at. XD I've never played with the card though, guess it's just tied too closely to memory for me to use.

Good blargen flargen, I'm rambling. Well, just know I'm safe and sound, things are looking up, and it's all good baby it's all good.
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Monday, April 4, 2005

First~
Yestarday I got to see my friend Brea at her birthday party. She was so nice and sweet, she absolutely loved the present I got her. She nearly cried because she loved it so much. So anyway, I drove her home and she let me see a picture of Ben, Jamie commented about how he looked like he was a good boy. He really was, he was so sweet too, and a goofball. XD

Anyway, I FOUND HIM! I found Ben's grave, I ended up crying but it was a good cry. I had been looking for him for years and now I've found him and know exactly where he is. After we had visited some of Jamie's family (who lived around the area) we bought some flowers and left them at Ben's grave. I feel so much better now that I've done that. I'm actually smiling with out putting a lot of effort into it. Jamie says that I look different, like I'm not as dark. My eldest sister, Adriane, says that I used to look like an open bleeding wound but now I look like I'm starting to heal. Which is awesome.

And today is my first day of school for the simester so I'm off to harass teachers and fall asleep at a desk from bordom. lol

Ja na!

And Neil, sorry for keep on missing you on AIM. It signs on by itself when I don't COMPLETELY exit out of it. I had away messages up, really I did! *huggle*
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