Thursday, March 31, 2005

If I only could...
I know this post will be a bit sad. Please, if you are already depressed no not read this. If you tend to pour your emotions into whatever you read this may make you cry. I'm sorry but I must get this out and I feel compeled to warn you.

Five years ago, I had a first love. I had spent many years in Jr. High with him just being around me. I was your typical shy, quiet girl that had a crush on the popular boys. But after a bit of time I started to see him more and more and muted out the squeals of the popular kids. He wasn't very handsome, nor had top grades. He was normal, and I found myself falling in love with him. I never got to tell him before he had died. I had been informed by his death from his best friend, Gene, and also was told that Ben had been in love with me and was going to ask me out on the first day of school after Summer Vacation.

Ever since then, when I was overly depressed due to family troubles I would have a dream with Ben in it, from time to time. After those dreams I would wake comfortated. But two nights ago I had a dream that seemed to make my wounded heart, bleed once more.

In the dream I had been trying to find a picture of Ben and I couldn't find one. I finially tracked down Gene and all he did was giving me this look of, "I know what you have come for." and I could see and feel the hate with in him, and no matter what I did Gene wouldn't even let me see a picture of him.

I woke and through out the day I would close myself in my room and sob. Large tears would run down my cheeks and splash against my pillows, my knees when I was curled up, and my shirt as I looked at the ceiling. I've been trying for years to get a picture of Ben, but still I have none. The pain of not having anything seems to dig a deeper hole with in the heart no matter what you do. A chilled, bleeding, sensation runs down the heart as I know that I must let him go. But it continues to hurt because I was never given a chance, I wasn't even able to see his grave.

Try to imagine yourself in a similar sistuation. How would you feel? What would you do? Could you possibly messure how much it would effect you?

Personally I've never allowed myself to attach to someone before. So all of those emotions were foreign to me, I had to wing it. But when that feeling of dispair, the kind of helplessness that you experiance when walking up the stairs in the dark and think there is an extra step only to find that there isn't. You have a moment of deaf silence that seems to last for ages. That's the only way I can discribe it. And I hope with all my worth, that you will never have to experiance it any time soon. Such damage takes over an eternaty to heal. I, myself, have only recently started to patch up, very slowly, but only because of Neil and a few friends that I still seem to shy away from from time to time. So please, be careful when you fall in love.
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Wednesday, March 30, 2005

Could it be?

Yes! Yes it just might be! *squints* I think that thing, far off there in the distant horizan may be a glint of hope. And it's in the shape of school! Frightening how school is going to be my escape from home. But then again I'm rather glad that it is. I'll be doing classes that I love this Spring Quarter and I'll be looking forward to getting away from all the freaking as- er, my roommates.

My little brother has been very mean as of lately and I can't help but snap at him and he acts as if it's all my fault. I'll admit that I did loose my temper and THAT'S my fault, but I'm not responsible for him being a rude little freak. He's starting to act like Dustine (remember, Emily's evil fiancee... then again Emily is evil herself). I told him that today after I asked him nicely and I quote: "Eric, could you please save your game some time soon so that we can have the TV?" There was nothing snappy in my voice at all and he just bit off my head telling me, quote: "I just got the TV!! Why can't you people ever leave me alone?!" He had had the *eye twitch* TV for over an hour and a half and I was just requesting him to save it soon because we rented some anime that must be returned the next day. It was the first time I spoke to him that day too besides saying "good morning". Then there is my eldest brother who reprimaned me for my choices in school classes, man did he freak. He spent over 3 hours lecturing me and arguing with me over the calles. Talk about stupid. I even shut up for two of those hours finding it absolutly hopeless to talk to him. I don't think it was too pleasent for Adriane nor Jamie to wake up to it. I feel a bit bad about that.

Okay, enough depressing stuff. I've been overly depressed for to long and I don't want to be anymore. Sooo, lets see... hnnn... Well, my back is feeling much better since the last storm had left, I got to even do some chorse which is good. This coming Monday I get to take Russian, I look forward to that. And I had written to my friend Brea inviting her over for a few days, I hope she can make it. Aaand it looks like I might be able to do some art soon (see my deviant art account, same name, for my lousy art *shot*)

Other than that I've been sleeping alot, probably good because of my back and stuff. And speaking of which, I'm tired. So check out my new background or frolic to the soda machine while I'm gone. XD
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Sunday, March 27, 2005

Pain


I know I haven't been on as of rescently but I had/have a small problem. See, first I got sick and couldn't go online because I was sleeping a lot and needed to get over my ailment. A few days before I got over my sickness I got my yearly problem. Yay.

See, my yearly problem is this; due to the dramatic change between high and low preasure fronts in the weather pattern things happen. Some people just get migrains(sp?, others just get sick easier, while for people like me tissues in some part of your body swells. The part of my body is the small of my back. So I get really, immensly, bad back pain around the spring time (get it from my father according to the doctor). So I'm going through my yearly dose of excrusiating pain.

Yestarday my brother had purchased a book for April. I told her, while bent over and hobbling because I can't walk straight up due to the PAIN!, and she askes what's wrong. Father tells her that it's my back. She runs out and I follow, we're going up the stairs to my house and she goes and asks, "What's wrong with your back? Period?" I told her, "No it's my back nothing else." You'd imagine that after she lived with me for this long she'd realize that I've got a few problems! Well, to make everything short, I was trying to get a book. Jamie was on one side of me, April on the other really wanting the book that Jamie was teasing her with. And what she does is RAMS into me. I fall onto the couch I was next too and cry out in pain. Jamie quickly says, "Don't kill her!" and Adriane just says something along the same lines (can't remember to well). Apirl just frowns and takes the book while my eyes are glazing over with held in tears of pain. I shouted out, "Why did you do that?" while I went to my room so that no one could see me cry (yeah I'm that proud, sad huh?). I start sobbing and sobbing because the pain was just too much and I could hear April (since I don't make much noise at all when I cry) and she says, "What's wrong with her?" Jamie told her AGAIN that it was my back. While April left she said, "Jeez why didn't anybody tell me?" She didn't even TRY to appologize.

I cried in front of my door so no one could come in. The only person that checked up on me was Jamie. It was nice to have someone ask if I was okay...
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Thursday, March 10, 2005

Lazy Mind 3


So we managed to get a card for my mother and her group. It was a blank card so I decided to write some words of encrouragement in a poetic way in it. My freaking ink pen decided to bleed all through it. So I had to go get a new card, then I just used a normal ballpoint to write with. I wrote each one a small note for them. And when my mother came home from her presentaion she came right up to me and hugged me. I was surprised about this and ended up getting kind of hurt becaused she grabbed me at a weird angle. But I didn't tell her that, I don't get many hugs from my parents at all. So anyway she had to brag to me about how everyone was much calmer and how they did such a good job. She loved the fact that we got her a card and she had to tell me all about how she gave the different notes that I wrote to each one of them. When she told her group that I wrote something for them they all gathered around and she said they were all very delighted. She doesn't know what I wrote to all of them because she didn't ask but I'll tell you guys.

To Yung, I told him that he was a good leader, he should take pride in that and have more confidence in himself. He had a bit of trouble with pronounciation due to being from Taiwan (I understand that English is just as hard for them as Taiwanese is for us), so if he kept the back of his tongue down when speaking it might help.

To Shun, I told him to calm down. Him having a nervous breakdown or a heart attack wouldn't make a good impression. Other than that he was good, don't be afraid to take a deep breath and smile. I wrote that he had a nice smile (you know one of those smiles that you just can't help but smile back to) and that he should do it more often because I'm sure I'm not the only one who appreciates it.

To Hsiao AKA Helea, she was wounderful and light hearted. She just needed to replace her "we think" with "we believe" to make it sound more professional. (she's a sweet little thing) Also that she shouldn't stop and ask questions to her fellow group members that'd look bad.

Then I wrote in the note to my mother to stand up more straight and not to look so timid and not personalize her speach so much.

Anyway, that was about it, with a big fat Good Luck to all of them. Mother told me that Helea, during class, looked at mom, held up the note that I had made her and kissed it. *scratches head* Helea is a very... unique woman, and even though I only met her once she was very pleasent to be around. So that kind of made my day when hearing about that.

I've been sleeping alot lately, which I most likely need due to I'm still fighting school and still doing most of the chores around the house. Anyway, so it looks like things are smoothing over. I don't know any more about Krisite and Isabow, Kristie tends to keep to herself alot and you have to force things out of her because she's shy as well.

Well, I'm tired, I just downloaded Sukisyo number 8 and I can't wait to see it but I'm falling asleep so I have to watch it when I get up.

So until next time,
Take it easy.
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Wednesday, March 9, 2005

Blargin Flargin~


I've come to a conclution that being civil with my sister, April, just will not do. I requested her to knock and wait at the front door and not just come in because she no longer lives with us. While I was trying to be nice and I said, "I know I may come off commanding, demanding, and just down right mean, and I don't mean to really I don't. But could you please just knock and wait at the door for someone to answer it for you?" All I got in return was her mocking my voice with a high-pitched voice of mockery and then a tired, "I'll see what I can do." Then she took all of my Saint Seiya and Knights of the Zodiac so now I have to go and get more because I know she won't return them unless someone else gets on her case and I don't want to bother Jaime with it and everyone else just doesn't give a damn for my stuff. God, I've just run out of patience with her and I'm sure I'll explod the next time I see her.

In other news, when I went with my mother to visit her work group with her everything went well. They just worked while I read and played games on my Nintendo DS, and drew... and wrote... it was a long time... anyway, after that they used me as a practice audiance. lol omh, they were so cute. When it was Shun's turn to talk he was so nervous that it even made my heart beat rapidly. I thought I was about to die, I had to tell him to stop a few times and take a deep breath. I gave a lot of commentary to everyone, even my mother. Those cute little (even though the guys were taller than me) loved it when I helped them out with their word usage and pronunciation. When we left, Shun stepped in front of me and told me, Sayonara. I was so flusted because it was the first time someone did that with me that I bowed, blushed, said it back and hurried out of the room with my mother who laughed at me. But they are so going to die when giving their actual prisination. They're all so nervous. So my father and I are going to by them a Good Luck card.

Other than that, I changed my theme to fit what's been commonly going on in my life as of late. I've kind of been placed in the position of the comforter. I've been wrapping my hears around my friends and letting them cry their heart out even though I want to sob myself. Jaime is still getting settled and just today our friend, Kristie, her obese dog, Isabow, slipped a disk in her back. The problem is, Kristie does not have the money to afford the operation Isabow needs and we have no money to help with it. From what I hear, Isabow has parcial poralisis and is so obese that even though three of her legs work she still can't stand on her own. So, it looks like Isabow may need to be put down. Kristie loves that dog as if it was her own child so it's going to be harsh. Jaime already went over to comfort her but... well, we'll just see if Isabow gets better or not. Hopefully she will.

And I want to thank you all for commenting and being so kind to me. I know I've done this before but I just want to make it clear that I really do appreciate it.
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Sunday, March 6, 2005

.......
Before I start off I just wanted to say to Baka No Hanyou, that was an awesome poem you wrote in the comments of my last post. I really enjoyed it.

Now then, down to business.

Two days ago I was cleaning in the kitchen, after cleaning the whole house. I kept to myself and said nothing as I listened to my siblings. My eldest sister, whom I had thought that I could trust, was joking with my brothers about how "evil" I was. They kept this up for over a few hours. I still fail to see how I'm evil... I care for them even though I have every right to loathe the fact they are breathing, I encourage them. Sure I can pushy at times but they don't listen to what I say until I shout, so I end up yelling alot. I'm strict with my animals. I want to keep my black cat inside because he's got a bad leg (it healed wrong so now every once in a while it'll give on him). I don't let my dog rough house and I'd perfur it if the back door wasn't open all the time for my cat and dog to run outside and get into trouble. If that's what it means to be evil then I must be the devil's mother or something.

*rests head in hand* So, that night I was keeping Dustin quiet (horrible sister's fiancee if I haven't mentioned). He was cussing and shouting over a game because my little brother was beating him. I managed to keep him quiet for a little bit but then he just shouted out to me, "Why don't you just learn to keep your mouth shut? Nobody listens to you anyway." I felt a part of me shrink back a that, most of me just wanted to grab him by his bald head and throw him out side, the rest of me (which was the large part) just ignored him and went about its merry way. But he's right you know? No body here listens to me except for Jaime and I think she's finally seeing how much people are screwing me over now that she's living with me. Like how I was supposed to be paid for all my damn work over two weeks ago and I got nothing but two comic books. Jaime gave me an extra twenty that I gave to my parents because now they have three car payments to take care of.

On the brighter side... I woke up like crazy early today, around... 11pm and I've been up since. My little brother it up at night most of the time and I came up shaking and shivering even though I'm wrapped up in warm clothing. You see, that coldness hasn't gone yet, it's still there clinging on as long as it can. I didn't ask him anything I just sat down behind him and said that it was a bit cold. He quickly got up and went to the closet and said, "There are a lot of blankets here, or I have a sleeping bag in my room." I didn't say anything because at the time I didn't hear him all the way, I was still sleepy. And he grabbed a blanket and tossed it at me. It was... nice to have him do that.

Out of everyone in my family, my brothers are the ones that I truly care for. I mean like... well I'd lay my life on the line for them while for the others I'd most likely try but not hard enough if you get me. You see, even though they may call me evil and stuff my brothers are the only ones that don't hide things from me. They don't tell me two-faced lies about how they care and then start joking around with their buddies using me as the butt of their jokes. They're straight forward... Maybe that's why I hate women so much, I just have too many sisters with too many issues. Don't get me wrong, I LOATHE the female species, but there are few girls out there that I can stand and be friends with like Jaime for instence...

*sighs* Well, I'm going to go now. I get to hang with my mother as she meets with her work group for school, she's pressing me to meet this Japanese guy named Shun. I'm a bit worked up because she says he's cute and I really really REALLY like the name Shun. I hope I don't make a fool out of myself and can be his friend.
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Thursday, March 3, 2005

Cold
Have you ever felt cold, so deep down inside that it won't go away? You wrap yourself up with so many blankets, take hot baths/showers, eat warm foods but you are still cold inside.

Ever been afraid to sleep in fear that you won't know who you are when you wake up? Just by chance, some how you don't know where you are. Everything in your room that you've collected over the years would be completely foreign to you.

...... Today, I woke up not knowing who I was, or where I was. I tried to collect my thoughts and piece everything together only to slowly recognize the things in my room. It's a frightening feeling to have, not knowing where you are, who you are. It's like being in an alien world, stranded to fend for yourself. Now, I don't scare easy, but I'm starting to worry. This isn't the first time this has happened to me. It's the third time in three years that it has happened. I'm not going to a doctor or anything, I mean... what can they do for something like that? It's settled such a cold feeling inside of me. I can wrap myself up until I'm sweating but my mouth and stomach feels so cold. All I can do is hug myself and hope that it doesn't happen again.

If you ask me how I feel right now I'd say, "I feel like it's raining." Not that pleasent kind of rain that you smile and take in deep breaths of the fresh stormy air. The kind of rain that mists, the kind that cling to your cloths and skin, matting your hair down with a chill that reaches to your bones before the wind could have the chance to blow.

It's... cold...
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Tuesday, February 22, 2005

Lazy Mind 2
I'm not going to bother with any of this any more. And what I mean by that I mean that I'm not going to associate with my sisters April and Emily ever more. I hear rumors that April is obvoiding me because I'm such a horrible person for telling her to not go on long trips when she's sick. Oh yeah, I'm such an anti-christ.

It's gotten so bad with their lies, backstabing, neglect, etc. that even my unobservent elder brother notices how they have been treating me. This is the same man that didn't know that our mother was working for three years! Yeeeeah, he's a bit spacy on certain subjects. I'm tired of having to deal with them so I denounce them, I'm not going to get involved with them any more. I've been patient enough and put up with them and it's time for no more.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not doing this because I hate them. They just need to grow up, majorly. I'm stuck with packing away April's things because she won't even come over to get her stuff if I'm here. I take care of the house so I'm like here a lot. Well, you might be thinking, "If you're not doing this because you hate them then why?" Simple, I don't love them, I don't hate them, I have no feelings for them. They made it that way and I think it's for the best. I would have been crying by now if I cared at all for them. I'm just upset that they have waisted so many years of my life with wanting my constent attention. It was because of April's need to have someone home and look after the house and take care of her that I had to drop out of college. Now I'm getting back in and moving forward.

You probably think this is weird, and it most likely is. But I perfer this relationship between them and I. They'll probably seeth over me not caring for years on end while I just smile and continue on my way. I love having a lazy mind, less worries to ulcer over.
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Sunday, February 20, 2005

Lazy Mind 1
Currently I'm calling my little myOtaku site: Lazy Mind, just to give it more flavor. Also there is a reason behind this and that is:

I looked into the ADD that I have and it not only gives me less of an attention span it also makes me lazy and there is basicly no real hope for treating this particular type because it's a bit rare.

Go figure huh? Anyway, I'm sorry I haven't been online for a long while. Lots and lots of stuff has been going on. Such as my sister moving out in a month, my best friend Jaime moving in after her heart was broken into little bits and pieces by her Ex-boy friend screwing her girlfriend and her girlfriend was nothing but a bitch. Unfortunately I used to be friends with Jaime's girlfriend, correction- old girlfriend. I knew her back in high school and she's just gotten horrible and is like the biggest slut up in that little town she lives in.

Off of that subject before I get pissed off; my parents are remodeling their kitchen and I have to help here and there. I'm fighting finantual aid again in order to get back into school. A friend of mine is obessing over boys again and she's confusing me because at first she told me she wanted to take it nice an slow and now she's telling me that it's her new boyfriend that wants to take it slow and not her. So she comes to me for advice about this stupid stuff. She just needs to find a guy and stick with him, like I do with Neal. *waves* Hi.

On top of that I've got an art trade with my friend Ruby-chan which is going rather well. I got her first picture done and I've got another one to do then I'm going to give her a bonus one because I feel like it. I need to update on fanfictions as well as comics I've been drawing. Then there is my normal cooking and cleaning while having to deal with my little brother's dog who's freaking old and a pervert to boot. So not that it's getting near mating season he's going around and harassing my cats and my dog. *rubs face* I'm allergic to that damn dog and I still have to take care of him because my father is allergic to him and he was originally supposed to be my mother's dog no my little brothers!! Damn it, I'm too nice.

I can't really think of what else to talk about. Except that I get to go see a movie with my whole household which is very rare. So that'll be fun, maybe we can even have dinner together but I highly doubt that.

Well, that's about it for this time around. *v-sign* Play Megaman X8. It's freaking stellar.
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Thursday, February 3, 2005

The muddled mind
Thanks guys, for giving advice and being there for me. It seems that my parents are totally pissed about all of this. They're telling me that they've notice how much all my siblings have been putting me down more after taking up the job of taking care of the house (my brothers are doing it less than my sisters). They were completely pissed off when my siblings didn't give me my money and had me just buy stuff off of Adriane's debet card. I know I'm a bit vexed, I would be totally pissed if I didn't use that money to buy Megaman comics (those are rather funny).

Anyway, thought I'd share this with you guys considering you're all very cool. I'm sure you've either seen or heard about the 4th trailer for Final Fantasy Advent Children. But I'll go ahead and post this;

Final Fantasy Advent Children has been anounced to release in the year 2005, the creators are hoping to have it out in Japan by summer.
The 4th Trailer is out and at the end you can get a very breif clip of Sephiroth lunging at Cloud. This site has playable trialers: http://www.square-enix.co.jp/dvd/ff7ac/

Anyway, thought I'd just write whatever comes into my head at this point. So here it is;
I love the Sephiroth themesong makes me wanna write action stuff. I've also been noticing that my little brother has been talking to my friend Jaime more and I'm glad he is, he doesn't talk to many people because he's always closing himself away in the house. I heard from Jaime that April was encouraging her to date one of my brothers. It's kind of scary considering that my elder brother wants nothing to do with anything sexual or dealing with anything anywhere close to intemite. And my little brother is like 7 years younger than Jaime. Loved it how she told me how she thought April was crazy. I totally agree with her, April is not in the best set in health considering she's emotionally dependant on Emily and enjoys the abuse that her twin gives her.

Hey, ever feel that darkness in the back of your mind? Ever try to imagine what it looks like? I know I have. All I can get are sounds that make me want to hear something other than it. Most likely why I play music a lot. It's a funky sound, just... blaring yet so deaf at the same time. It twists and writhes deep within peering out likes eyes in a raido that can only pick up white noise. I know I have a demon deep inside, it growls and waits for the right time to come out in order to consume me. Late at night, when I'm by myself I can tell it comes out when the shadows begin to dance and the sounds become more audioble. Those are the nights I stay up until dawn and do nothing but clean. I can feel things around that shouldn't be there with people telling me about darkness that sleeps inside my body with evils following me. I can't help but think "do other's have this"? A part of me hopes so, just so that I'm not alone, but then there is the part of me that never wants this to be given to anyone else. I don't want others to feel these horrors, these dark emotions that make you want to eat bunnies in the petting zoo (evil bunnies). And I'm cracking into jokes. >.> God I can't stay serious right now, probably for the best. If I got serious I'd most likely become depressed.

Okay, enough of that. I've got a challange for all you cool people out there!!! In your journal write a short story, has to funny, of something that had happened in your life. It could be a dream, an event, or just something somebody told you. Just make sure you had/heard it and it's true. Here I'll start:

It was a dream of mine where my brothers and I made these weapons that formed like armor. We designed it to look like Megaman like armor and I distinctly recall my brother, Cory, having his to look a lot like Zero's. Well, I ended up blowing up the bank that cheated me out of 100 bucks, and destroying an old work place that treats you like you're lower than donkey urine. And my little brother distroyed his school that put him in Special Ed for 4 years. Cory just sat on the couch and watched TV.... well, anyway, in my dream I was sitting on the couch behind my brother (our couches are leveled so one is higher than the other one and set behind each other to give theater seating). I rolled over and fell between the couches reaching out my hand and screaming out, "ZEEEERRROOOOO~!" Then I hit the floor and sat up and screamed at my brother, "Why didn't you save me?!" only to find him asleep.
I woke up laughing finding how silly the dream was only to remember it for a very very long time. ^_^
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