Sunday, January 30, 2005

*pulls at hair*

You know what?! I can tollerate a lot. I can put up with a lot, I've been doing it for years. People step on other people, I've learned how to deal with this. I know that there are people out there that will help others with out regard of their own feelings, I know that there is good and bad. I'm also aware that most of my cursed family says I'm evil. They say bad things about me behind my back and to tell you the truth that's the part that will screw you up. Having people tell you to your face that you are kind, talented, and sweet, but soon as your back is turned they tell others how horrible and two faced you are. Like a monster with mask under a mask, their whisperes echo through the shadows never coming into the edge of the light.
They tear at me, hurting me more and more pushing me further into the red abyss of confussion telling me that it's okay to drown. Everything inside is now black and red, a room filled thigh deep with thick liquid that gives off a crimson light. It hurts and no matter how I express it, how much I tell them they will not stop.

Why all this profound stuff today? Because the one sister that I thought I could trust made it apparent that my trust is worth less than a helpless kitten mew. I was just trying to tell April that I would be out in the car when that damn palmeranion half breed starts barking. I could hear people down stairs laughing and saying that I was evil and how dogs could sense it. It wouldn't have hurt if it was just the usual group... but then I heard Adriane's voice (my eldest sister who always seemed to be nice to me) agree with them. Now I realize that out of all of my siblings I can only trust my brothers... but even them I can't trust all the way. Eric, my younger brother, will steal and lie when he can. Cory, my elder brother, will treat me indifferent, as if I'm stupid and have ill mannered tendancies.

Okay, yeah, I'll be the first to admit that I want to shove an ice pick through people's heads. I'll admit that I want to toss little girls in front of moving trains and kick palmeranions into traffic. But I don't do them. I grit down and don't act on my sadistic desires. Why? Because I know they are wrong. If I didn't then I believe I would be committed and most likely have a few murders under my belt. Personally I'm proud of myself for not doing any of these things, in fact I rarely think about them until these... these hateful jerks get me angry enough TO think of these.

*sighs* Well... whatever, right? Not much I can do about all this. After so many years of trying I think I've learned only a few things from them; hopelessness, dispair, how to cut myself to ease pain, as well as how to make spaghetti with sausage (hate sausage).

Let's hope tomorrow my humor will return, right now I just want to make them all go away.
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Saturday, January 29, 2005

   MEH!

I swear the univers is happy one moment but is so very quick to whirl around and bite you in the face. I just have to think that good things will happen, if not for me then someone else. I'm okay with that thought, just as long as the person who the good things are happening to are not evil little... yeah... >.>

So, I bet you all don't know that I have a fear of a type of little dog. Sad, I know but hear me out. When I was really young, like a todler, it all started. A palmeranion (sp?) would bark at me a lot and bite me (acording to my parents), then we moved. The place we moved had a neighbor with an evil EVIL white palmeranion named Tinkerbell. It would bite me until you could see the tendouns in my ankles and at times I can recall having large strips of skin hanging off and having to wear sandles because shoes would mess with my ankles. We eventually moved from there, to a place where there was another evil one, but not as bad, he just barked non-stop and would never let me sleep. So to make a long story short I've got a very deep fear/hatred for these types of dogs. My blanging- EVIL- >_< - Sister, Emily owns a dog that is half palmeranion and she's constently bringing it over to my home and it's always barking and I just want to kill the little beast. That's most of why I'm currently talking like some doped up surffer and I feel like just dying where I sit. The other part is how much Brandy (stupid girl I used to be best friends with back in high school) is just messing with my buddy Jaime. It's not like Jaime did anything to her. Really she did nothing, just tell her that she wanted to go out and get a dicent job so that she can help Brandy out with house bills. What does Brandy do? She goes and thinks that Jaime wants nothing to do with her so she's being all cruel (currently Jaime moved in with me because of this). Lots of people Jaime knows are telling her that she's making a bad decition and should hook back up with Brandy. They think that Jaime is leaving Brandy for me. Dude! What part of "I've got a boyfriend!" don't they understand?! This is just so stupid. So yeah, Jaime is most likely going to be getting a job here very soon, I'm applying for school again and blah blah blah. All that rictious dumb stuff.

Man, I'm so tired. I've been sleeping a lot lately, most likely because sleep is the only escape I get when it comes to all the stupid stuff that keeps on torquing with my life. I should leave this here, I've got to get up way early in the morning and give a friend of mine a ride. And sorry about the background for some dumb reason it keeps on resizing itself and I'm trying to figure out how to make it under 250kb while keeping its coolness.
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Wednesday, January 12, 2005

I... hurt...

Man, I don't think I can get any more sore than this. Through taking care of my siblings so much I've got what they got. I got April's temp of 101, so my freaking skin hurts like hell when I touch anything. I've got Adriane's infection in the lungs so I'm hacking up stuff that should only be seen in a rated R horror movie. My ears hurt like hell so I most likely have water in my ears, I've been throwing up what little contence is in my gut, and as far as sleep goes I finially got a few hours today after passing out from the pain in my muscles and bones. I wake up just... hurting more and I have to get a cold wrag and press it against my back (where my freaking back muscles had swollen a little around the small and back of the pelvic), face, arms, blah blah blah. Let's just say that it feels like I get a fresh burn each time I put the cloth against my skin.

I'm not sure if I'll have to cook tonight or not, if I don't get better than I'm sure my little bro will help me out. I've been so proud of him recently. He's been helping me out, in like really small ways and I could cry and just hug him for it. I mean, all he does is remind April to take her medication, get Adriane some water if she asks, and he even heated up some chicken noodle soup for April with out being asked. Such small things but god I'm so relieved. He's also been joking around more with our other siblings, when usually he only jokes around with me. And the other night we took the dogs on a walk (this was before I got hella sick) and we went to a gas sation and I was buying some stuff for him and I and he actually talked to the gas station attendant. That's just mind blowing considering that he just NEVER does. He's a shy boy and is scared that people will mistake him for a girl (androgunous and plump). But man, I just have brag about him. He's my little bro, ya know? I don't have another one and he's so smart and can be so kind. Who ever marries him is going to be the luckiest person in the world and if they hurt them I'm going to rip their heart out of their butt. ^_^

Now than... hnn... my account at deviantart.com (same handle as I have here) I've finally reached my 100th picture posted there. So if ya wanna see my crappy art please say so.

Other than that I need to go die on my bed again.

Ja na
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Sunday, January 9, 2005

Uuuugh~ *falls over*

Keeping things clean here is... a hassle. Thus why I haven't been posting lately. It's very tiring and I'm constently arguing with my elder brother who doesn't listen to anyone because he always thinks he's omipotent in his decisions. It hurts my head to even just think about carrying a conversation with him.

Lately I haven't been able to get much rest either. I can work myself to the bone but soon as I lay down on my bed I have... nightmares, strange ones as well. Things that I've never dreamt before... things that make me... not want to close my eyes again, nor open them when I wake. My sister, April, says; "Your hord of demons are just moving around more." I still feel a bit uncomfortable that she says that I've got a hord of demons around me, but whatever, not like I can do much about that. Back on subject,...... When... When I wake up, I expect to see someone... something peering over the edge of my bed at me. A few times I've woken up and looked over to the chair next to my computer and thought that there was someone sitting in that chair. My dreams... I can't remember them well but they leave my mouth dry, my throat sore, and this feeling of "don't sleep until dawn". I believe it is safe to say that it's a bit disturbing, but it happens at times in this house... in all of the houses I ever lived in actually, but never this much. So now I can only really sleep if I have an animal with me in the room so I'm not alone. I hope I can get some rest soon, I'm wearing down quickly. The other day I was asleep for hours on end waking up just to feel like I pulled two all nighters in a row.
... It's not... comfortable here.
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Sunday, January 2, 2005

OMFG!!!!
Today, well, yestarday... the first, WHATEVER! My mother got her school money and she actually insisted on getting me a new computer and now I've got one!! YES!!

I was having so much trouble with that old one, it would at least lock up over ten times a day (when it was behaving) and when it decided to be an ass it wouldn't work at all. So I ended up with this new one and it's so beautiful and actually matches my scanner. XD

Anyway, I've been working on stuff and having fun. Lots of typing on some Naruto fanfics that just kind of pop up into my head. Got one here that might interest you.

Title: Youth Neurosis
Link: here
Plot: Sasuke gets amnesia and Naruto is cursed to be a fox, they end up traveling with an orginal character (she's 6 years old) that is trying to find her father (who is Jiraya) while their friends try to find them.

It's kind of cute, ne? Anyway, starting today I'm the maid of the house. Kinda pisses me off how April was saying 'maid' as if it was demeaning and "I'm paying her to wipe my ass." I just wanted to slap her so hard core. But whatever, April's been a bitch ever since she found out that I knew she was in love with her twin. She almost totally loathes me now. XD I laughed in her face when she told me she broke my chair I got for christmas (a papason). I don't know if she really did feel bad about that or not, like I care I'm having to much fun being lazy minded and picking up after people. I getta tell them to put their shoes away and scream at them if they leave a mess. YES! Finally they'll listen! WAHHAAAAA~! .... I hope.

Father was funny on New Years Eve, he got all of his daughters and made us all dance with him. He liked the selection of music I had playing but Mother was complaining and saying stuff like, "This sounds like things Erin would listen to." I just laughed at her because of how stupid she is. God I wanna slap her. =D Didn't have to see Dustin's face, that's good because he's a total F'ing ass around me. Emily was semi-decent and I'm sure she's still spreding rumors about me being some kind of crack whore. Little bro hasn't changed much at all, but he is a little more compliant now and is actually taking care of his dog, gasp of all gasps. Eldest sister is actually trying to put herself on a diet but after she realized that I'll be cooking from now on she only got this smug smile and said, "Well, at least now I know I'll be eating healthy." We had a good laugh over that. I've got a sensitive stomach so I can't eat a lot of junk food. But now I'm off topic. I got a cool new computer that just barely even makes the sound of the fan. God I love it. *hugs computer* I love you computer~

Read my fic and pull up your pants!
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Friday, December 17, 2004

Exponents~

Okay, so both of my sisters have agreed that I'll take up the job of taking care of the house and the cooking. They also said I get to have power of the household maitanince so people can't give me guff over that. Damn sweet. XD I'll be getting 60 bucks a month, and if they like what I'm doing then they'll raise it. Muwahahaa~

On a completely different note, my brother downloaded a new trailer for that Final Fantasy XII:Advent Children. *vibrates* They showed Cid~! and Red, and Vincent talks and you catch a glimps of Aries. I can't wait to see the movie! Oh yeah and the evil bad guys, with the silver hair, the one that looks like he's running the show, he's got like my favorite male voice actor, but I can never remember that guys name for the life of me. >.>' OH OH OH!! They even show RENO~! *spazzes* RENOOOO, he's my favorite character of all time. Seeing him reminded me of my first college days, people were calling me Reno because of it. I recall my basic music teacher would always say my nickname in a very strange way, he still does it IF by chance I walk past him in the halls. Which is like once in a life time kind of thing because I don't go to that school any more and when I had his class I was still in high school... so it's been... who~a, it's been four years since I had been in his class, and the man still remembers me. Freaky~

Naruto fic update, first chapter is coming along well. Finially figured out my plot that I want and it's running smoothly. I'll have the URL to it once I post it, in my next post.
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Wednesday, December 15, 2004

Ratio~

Talked with my sister last night about a new situation. Turns out that our father is having some allergy troubles with Lucky (our oldest family pet, but techniquely my little brother owns him but never takes care of him so he lives with my parents). So, Father has requested that since all of the kitties we where going to give away have all new homes that we now take in Lucky. Lucky is... old, very old. We've had him for about 14 years and I'm surprised that he's not dead yet. Lucky also sheds very badly due to his thick fur, so he needs constent baths, groomings, and things that I know I'll be left to do. This is where my sister and I got to talking. You see I don't mind cooking and cleaning, and constently taking care of people and animals. I don't mind having to fix pipes or water tanks or even computers and helping with cars. I just want to have it clear that I'm not free loading when I do all of these, which everyone seems to think I do (besides my eldest sister). So she's prosented me with a propistion. I do all that (which I've been slacking off of due to internal striff of the family) and she'll give me a monthly sum.

I was like, "Whoa, you sure you can do that? I mean you buy me little things here and there and that's totally freaking awesome on your part but actually paying me a monthly sum?" She just said she'd like to talk it over with April first. >.> Then she asked me how much I would work for for a month, I told her about 40 to 50 bucks. She almost slapped me with, "I was thinking at LEAST 60!" I think it kind of ticks her off when I she realizes the big bad little sister that she has doesn't have much self worth. But anyway, that'll be cool if she can start all that up, then I can have some personal money that people can't complain about. YAY!

Oh, and I'm writting my Naruto fanfic! Yayness~ I'll most likely post the url soon as the first chapter is up, I'd love for people I know/trust could read it and tell me how bad of a writter I am. *looks at Neiko* And I'm a bad writter, face it. My damn plots need to be more twisted.
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Tuesday, December 14, 2004

Dawn of the dead

Or at least I feel like I'm a zombie, that was until I saw Dawn of the Dead (zombie movie for those who don't know) and I ended up busting my gut laughing my butt off by the last half of it. It was great, all that death and mayhem was what I needed to see, because that was what I was feeling... I think. Whatever.

so yestarday I had a two hour nap after spending the whole night throwing up (fuuuuun). We only have one kitten left to give away and I was able to eat some chicken and rice soup (yay got to eat something). My stomach still kind of hurts, think I got the stomach flue or something, but hey, it'll pass. Other than that, nothing to report. Ja na.
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Monday, December 13, 2004

*moan*

Okay, my weekend was hell from Friday to Sunday, and as I predicted today would be hell as well. I had to take sleeping pills last night in order to get some decent hours of sleep, constently waking up (like usual) to let my dog in and out of my room as well as throwing up all freaking night. I'm still nausieated and haven't been able to eat anything, I'm also still swamped with giving away cats and kittens. One good thing that happened was that my cat, Speck, was addopted which we thought there was no hope of her and that she might have had to be sent to the pound. But she was taken in by this sweet lady that wanted a mouser, so now she's got a good home. Only two kittens to go... yaaaaaay. Oh god I feel like up-chucking just typing. I can't go to sleep, even though I'm still tired as hell, because people might call and I can't rely on my roommates/siblings because they'll try to give away every single one of my kitties. *hugs Jade* No one's taken Jade or Hiei from me. ;_;

Last night I was talking to Neiko and was about to just cry my eyes out because of all the bad stupid stuff that was happening. You would think that I would be used to stuff like this because it happens rather often. Bad things suddenly just decide to gang up on me instead of slowly killing me one by one. Damn karma or whatever causes this to happen.
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Sunday, December 12, 2004

Fowl Language~~

Turkey!! *leans real close to you with crazed look* Guess what? The Banana's didn't take them today. *distrubed grin*... Sparrow~!

As you can see I've finally snapped. It's a wounderful purple world when the jellyfish dance. What did I do today Mister Fluffims? Well, today I had to help my mother go Christmas shopping. After four exhausting hours of not finding anything we finally found what she was looking for, then we spent over a half hour arguing with the teller because of stupid debit card reasons. What did we eat, Mister Shnookims? *more crazed smile* Well, we didn't eat really, we had latte's for lunch and no breakfast. While I ran on very little hours of sleep and I might slip into a coma tonight. Why you ask?
Pheseant! Last night I spent over four hours trying to help my brother get my computer working again after he tried to install a new mother board that didn't work. Then we had to reinstall Windows XP and the verification code was wrong so we had to wait until today in order to get the right code that our Duck of a neighbor had. *drools a little* After that I had to cook dinner (back onto today) when it wasn't even my day to cook because my Hen of a sister who is prettending to be sick skipped work in order to hang out with evil Emily. Yes Mister Fluffims, the devil cried when Emily tried to give him a lap dance. Now then, this isn't the first time April has pulled this off. And my paicents is running very thin, so is Adraine's (eldest sister, only real family member I get along with) and that's very hard to do considering she doesn't like conflict.
Waha~ *comes closer to you* Goose!
After dinner I spent three more hours trying to get my monitor to work properly and now my computer tells me there is no sound card when the speakers can play what ever the computer has on it. Isn't that nice? Now I have to deal with that before I can reinstall everything I need.
*walks off laughing in a very distrubed way, zips back into your face* COCK~!!!
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