Sunday, October 17, 2004

Swallowed up in the sounds of my screaming~~
I went up with my parents to the property that they own. We where only there for an hour or two, and there was a bad case of turenchual(sp?) rain. Father fell a few trees and I moved them while Mother studdied. We managed to get a fire going and we ate a light meal that I brought and drank some cocoa. It takes about an hour's drive to get there. We had three dogs with us, Crewger (my dog), Lucky (little bro's dog), and Mocha (bitch sister's dog). I'm allergic to Mocha, she's a great dog and I would love to pet her but last time I touched her was when she licked the back of my upper arm and caused my whole arm all the way down to my wrist to break out into hives. Sucked major eggs. Anyway, on the way back we're all wet and I'm so freaking grungy from having to tend to the fire out in the rain, move logs, and getting mauled by Crewger. My mother had her seat all the way back and my legs where crushed and no matter how many times I told her to move it up she wouldn't. I don't think she heard me. Anyway, soon as we get home I have to throw on some dry clothes, grab my sister's ATM card, get her PIN number and run off with my mother so I could give her the money that my sister owed her. I also had to buy cat food because my roommates forgot to do that while they were out. At the store the freaking bag boy was so freaking slow and he looked like he was either drugged up or really sleepy and they only had one cashier because it was near closing. Soon as I get home I find out that there is no dinner so I had to make something, then my little brother comes back from playing some Hunter The Reckoning and 'makes dinner'. Personally I don't think Chilli Mac is edible. So I get yelled at for buying some bancon inorder to make some of the dinner I had made. I also got yelled at for purchasing some really cheap six packs of Pepsi for ninty nine cents. I hid away my freaking twix box that was for a buck not wanting to get yelled at. All this time the main one yelling at me is my sister, April, who was patching up these blankets my little brother had torn up due to his highly violent tossing and turning in his slumber. Her stuff was mostly where I had placed my clip board (where I keep all my drawings on while I sketch/draw/doodle). I'm woundering where it is but I don't see it anywhere. Then all of the sudden I'm getting lectured by April for leaving my stuff around (which I don't do often, OMG! I just let my pair of shoes by the wall, bad me!) and she goes behind the couch that I was sitting on and she pulls out my clipboard out of no where. And the pages are all scattered and messed up and I'm flipping through it releaved that none of my actual drawings where messed up while she basicly drilled down on me. Then later on I'm woundering where my halloween costum (that my sister, Adriane, had just bought for me) was and April found it again, on the floor... with kittens sleeping on it. She yells at me again and all I can do is let my eye twitch. April goes to bed (FINALLY!) and I'm all by myself when my power hungry cat bullying my other kitty (who is her mother) and I have to beat her off of my kitty. Little prick, ungrateful snot, she reminds me of Emily.

Anyway, I'm hanging out and I have the sudden urge to want to kiss my friend the next time I see her. I mean like deep kiss. I feel my eye twitch because even I know that's crazy. I cut it into pieces and thought about it and realized that I'm so freaking bored to the point that I want to kiss Kate the next time I see her just to see her reaction. How freaking bored do you need to be if you're actually contimplating something like that? Pretty damn bored if you ask me.

So, I push that out of my mind and some other crazy stuff comes into my head. Such as killing Emily and actually being happy. If you know me well, or at all, you'll know that I've got a creative imagination. So this whole sceen plays out in my head where I mess with the cops' minds while they question me on my sister's murder and I answer their questions all weird right? So they get angry and yell at me for not answering their questions and I have to tell them that they have to ask the right questions. I laughed at the idea while in the shower. As much as I would love to do that, I can't. Mother would go so freaking crazy if one of her kids died. She's WAY attached, got bad empty nest syndrom.

Well, got lectured again about finding a job and keeping it. Keep telling people that I need meds for my depression and ADD but they keep telling me that there is nothing wrong with me. Do you know how hard it is to KNOW that there is something wrong with you and every one keeps on telling you that there isn't? It's hard as hell and after a while it messes with your head on a daily basis, really messes you up. Currently I can't even think straight nor sleep because of it. Sends you down into a dark sespool of contempt. You keep woundering why they only see what they want to see. Why can't they see you for what you really are? Why can't they get over themselves and actaully admit that they are related to someone that has problems? They keep saying that they are willing to help but they never do. Talk about living in a world of gray. I wounder if all they see is haze.

Wow, is this thing long enough yet? I could probably make it longer, but I'm not sure if I want to. Who knows what kind of things I might let slip.
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Friday, October 15, 2004

Ever wounder where the conspiring monkey's hide?
Just wanted to ask that. Had nothing to really mark the subject with. Who are those weirdo's on your background you ask? Well, that's Thatz and Rune from the unltra cool manga/comic book series called Dragon Knights. I don't like the English version because the translations are trash. So I order the japanese version and that's a pretty penny as you can imagine but I think it's worth it. Kind of scarry how Rune's got a ridding crop. It's like giving me one. ....... Did everyone just freeze up in shock/horror when I said that or was it just me?

Anyway, I've been going through my old folders on my computer and found my Dragon Knights and I still spaz over reading the manga I have. Too bad I only have two freaking doujinshi. It's a great series, but I loathe intierly Cesia. She's littlerally just like may hated sister Emily. Except that Cesia can play nice more often than my horrid sister. No wounder why I freaking want to stab the book when ever I see her little mug.

On a better note, I found my wallet. It was in a bag of mine that I had seriously checked before and it wasn't there, all fo the sudden it's there. Freaky little wallet monkey snatchers or something.

Anyway, Shanny AKA Dark Phoenix gave me this code to put into my entry thingie to make the background fixed and all, and I did it but it doesn't work. I did everything she said to do but the darn thing hates me. Then again freaking codes hate me. I'm sure she gave it to me correctly, I probably screwed it up some how so I'll give it another look. But while I'm messing with that you get to have this theme. Enjoy Thatzy-baby and Rune (naturally formal when refering to Rune, Alfeegi, and Lord Lykouleon the rest get funny nick names. XD)
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Thursday, October 14, 2004

Pissed
Time for a rant! Please be warned that I will be cursing because I'm just that ticked off:

I'm so fucking pissed off man! Those bitches of sisters that I've got are fucking horrible! The only one that isn't constently down my fucking throat is the one that has no self esteem and acts like everyone is bullying her when she used to beat us all up as kids! You can only imagine how annoying that is to me.
To day my sister April looked at the cooking squedual and said that I cook tomorrow. I told her that I wouldn't because I've been cooking on days that I wasn't supposed to and so I was going to skip that day. She got all pissy on me and soon as I tried to explain myself she told me that I was yelling and that I shouldn't. I was just talking to her. I'm sorry that I have a naturally fucking loud voice!! I have it because I grew up in a house of 8 and you can only imagine how noisy that gets! So it's natural to develop a loud voice so that you can talk over all the shouting and screaming. Anyway, so Apirl was basicly telling me that she didn't give a fuck about me and I had to do the work. I told her that I wouldn't talk to her if she thought that every word out of my mouth was out of anger. So I'm not talking to her.
Then there is Emily, that little mother peasent fucking donkey, yeah you can tell how much I love that bitch. Some comes over today with her fucking dogs and starts picking on my little puppy man. My dog is awesome! While her little whelps aren't even potty trained and I'm allergic to one of them. Currently my arm is red and covered in hives from her little bitch licking my arm. I told her not to bring her dogs over countless times but the fuck does she care! When I yell at her all she does is close me off and think that she's the victim. Little ho.
Then there is my brother, he's having trouble in school because he loves fucking over the teacher. He just loves messing with their minds and arguing every point he can find but that doesn't work! He doesn't get it! As long as he does the work with out insulting the teacher and their methods then he can pass, but will he do that?! No! Then he comes home and complains to me while this whole time I've been telling him that he shouldn't be doing what he does!
So far my only sanity line is... hell, I think it's Bakura right now. I've run out of Saint Seiya to watch and I'm waiting for more to release. Oh, and Neiko, love ya man. He tries hard to cheer me up.
OH! And I lost my wallet, ain't that great? It has everything but money in it and I can't find it any where. People are complaining about me not finding a job and now they know why. Because I can't find my fucking wallet to apply!
I appologize once agian for the language but it feels good to use rude words every now and then.
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Wednesday, October 13, 2004

Nemuru (sleep)
As I have pointed out before, I've been sleeping alot. I'm not taking my allergy pills any more, no need to, but I'm still so very tired. I sleep all day and most of the night. I want to go out on walks and stuff but I just don't have the motivation. It took me over a half hour to get out of bed today, usually it only takes a minute.
I think I'm just depressed and pissed off. I know I'm trying very hard not to snap at people (even if they really really deserive it). And I think through the bottling of my justified anger I have grown depressed (yet again). I mean, I'm like REALLY depressed to the point that I haven't been drawing nor writting (which comes easily to me usually). I've been neglecting my chorse, and my cats seem to be worried about me. Hell, even my sister's cat (Carmel) was giving me attention today and was purring, when he usually growls, whines and runs off when I put him on my lap (well, everyone gets the same treatment from him except for April, he loves her).
I've been sneezing a lot lately as well. It really sucks because it hurts a lot and my ears itch so much after I just blew off the roof of my mouth and nose with the sneeze. And my face has been dry and itchy. Sucks man.
Anyway, I've been letting my little warped mind wander the dark coridores of my soul and brain and I keep coming back to a fanfic idea I had for Yugioh. Well, for Bakura more like it because he's my favorite along with Ryou (they tie), Otogi, Malik, Y.Malik, and Rasid (the rest can get on my nerves real fast).
The fanfic idea is that back in Ancient Egypt Bakura had two direct subordenants when he first started his carrier as the King of Thieves. These two where brother and sister and geinouses (sp?). The boy was unparalleled in stradagy while his sister was considered a god when she faught. In a nut shell they both end up dieing but their fierce loyalty to Bakura caused them to be reborn, trouble is... they were reborn in the same body. XD The rest is in the works. All I really know about my two main characters is that they will litterally do anything for Bakura. And that gives me enough fuel to really screw up the story and make it a great action packed horror drama.
What do you think?
Bad idea?
Good idea?
Get a life?
Lay off the crack?
Bakura?
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Tuesday, October 12, 2004

Expect me to be Random
Okay so this is how it has been:

Sleeping alot due to allergies and the medication I have to take works wounders but makes me sleep for the whole day from one little tinny pill

I've been wandering around woundering what to do for a job due to the fact that it's hard to find a job that isn't telemarketing around here.

Saint Seiya's been on my mind like all the time. I've been re-watching my Knights of the Zodiac and Saint Seiya over and over. Waiting for the new DVDs to be released and to get money for it. I've been going crazy on downloading 80's music (love that stuff).

My dog and sister's cat was supposed to get fixed yestarday but that didn't happen because no one leaves me a car to drive (yet they expect me to run all the errands, the dwebs).

I helped move fallen trees on my parent's property, lot of standing dead wood had to be fallen and that was a hassle but considering only my parents and I where working we got a lot done.

I've picked up smoking, not a lot but a few cigs here and there. I've got so fucked up emotionally that it's the only thing that's comforting me now besides Saint Seiya and 80's music. Yeah, I'm a problem child.

My buddy Jaime got a car so I'll be able to see her more often, which is awesome. So I don't have to hear my people bitching so much when I say I need to go up and see her.

Oh hey, my nice sister, April, she's been like Super Psycho lately. She'll yell at me a lot and if I pout even in the least bit she's all jumping down my throat. Her words have just gotten nasty. She's been saying stuff like "That rocks the dong" and even worse stuff that only comes around when she hangs out with our sister Emily to much. Emily's such a freaking pericite. I would laugh if I ever heard she had died, that's how much I love my sister. I'd probably throw up and scream in joy too, that's just how much I hate her.

Brother's birthday was yestarday and I asked him what he wanted if someone had no money. He wouldn't answer me so I just downloaded him some new anime and he loves it so I'm in the clear. lol WOOO~!

I'm going to go on a walk now, smoke a little, unwind. Come back and see what I can do in the millions of fanfics I've got going. Speaking of fanfics, that reminds me of my guy Neiko here on MyO. On his page he's got a like to this Yugioh fanfic he's writting. He took one of my characters named Nire and put her in it and has his own character. So far it's really funny, a little poorly written but I've seen worse... a lot worse.
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Thursday, September 30, 2004

Standing still on the road to hell
Haven't updated in a few days. Had some strange happenings take place. I'm used to seeing things just out the corner of my eye, but they've never stayed longer than a second. But now, they stay there and it's a bit... unnerving. I was washing dishes the other day and out the kitchen window I could see a little black boy. He was wearing a white tank top shirt, and some tattered faded blue shorts that went down to his knees. I looked up fully and he wasn't there, so I thought my eyes where just playing ticks on me so I continued on with washing the dishes but soon as I bowed my head he was there again, but insted of standing on the nice green grass of my yard he was standing on asfault and it looked like a bunch of dried up dead weeds were lining the road he was on. The kid couldn't be older than 6 years. I ignored it and continued on with my chores. With in the next few hours I heard little footsteps run through my house, my cats fled outside (my dog was on a walk with my sister at the time). The next day I went to the dentist and my father was driving. On the way home I saw a woman step out into the street, I thought we were going to hit her so I drew in a breath as my eyes widdened but she was gone soone as our bumper came in contact with her. I felt a horrible chill like she went through me but my father was unfassed, he didn't even see her. And every time I go driving at night, there is this one corner that I go by all the time, and I see a glimps of a man jogging in the way soon as I turn, but he's never there and I'm the only one that sees him. It's a bit annoying. I've seen things like this all my life but they've increesed dramaticly in just the last two months.

I feel like I'm just standing still on what this one lady told me was the road to hell. I was very small when she told me it and I can't even remember her face, but I recall meeting her some where around a store. She looked at me and said, "Don't stand on the road to hell to long." I still don't know what she meant about that.

Anyway, had gone to the dentist to get a normal cleaning, everything checked out just fine, no cavities. Found out that Shojo comics are translating Yami no Matsuei! WOOOO~!!! Decendant(s) of Darkness if anyone is woundering what that means. I highly suggest that series the anime and manga, which are both in America now. I've got the first 10 manga in Japanese, priceless humor and great violence and plot. Gotta love it. Uh, what else... Been trying to find out more Gakkou no Kaiden (school ghost stories), need them as research for a story of mine. If you know of any then please send them my way.

Everything else is pretty uneventful. If anyone is woundering who is in my icon it's Sion from Saint Seiya, some fanart I found a while back and used to make the icon. *blows kiss* Love ya Sion.

Oh hey, what is that code for making everything transperint so you get to see the background?
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Friday, September 24, 2004

Yurashite yurashite (shake, shake)
Okay, so since I'm feeling a bit morbid with memories of horrible child molesting mother peasent fucking donkey, Jarry. I'm only this kick where I'm looking up ghost stories. Some of them are rather interesting, others are just really dumb that make you think, "You got scared over that?" So I decided to share a few supernatural events that have happened in my life, with all of you. I love ghost stories, so please do not hesitate to message me with a ghost story of your own, be it your own experiance, something you heard, or a friend's or what not.

Um... just for you to all know, these are real experiances. If you choose not to believe it then hey, I can respect that.

I can't recall my age to well, but I was very young. I had a fear of something being under the bed, like all children. It was in the middle of the night and I had convinced myself that there was nothing underneath my bed. Soon as I stepped onto the floor, I felt a hand wrap around my ankle. I was jerked so hard that I fell forward onto my stomach. I recall being pulled underneath and seeing a man with very long white hair, his eyes were pure black (no whites, only black). I can't recall what he said to me but I know he said something when he held up a long, thin, sharp object that almost looked like a sewing needle. I remember a real bad pain in my stomach and passing out. To this day I still have scars on my stomach that are identified by doctors as needle scars.

The house I am currently living in, boy that's a nice nightmare, but I think I've lived in worse. When we first moved in there were green flies all over the front display window of the house. I killed them all and not even three mintues later they were back. I looked in the garbage where I had thrown away their crushed little bodies but they were not there. So I killed them again, making sure they were nothing but mush under my shoe. 15 minutes later they where back. My cat, Jade, she used to mew at a closet all the time (recently has stopped, thank god), my friend had seen a face in the kitchen window (impossible since there was no reflection and a used refridgerator was blocking all view with no space for even a cat to crawl between the house and the fridge). Durring the summer a strange little girl holding some kind of teddy bear will run up to my bedroom door and peer in for a good 10 minutes. The gurage(sp?) has some phantom on the steps that lead inside, he just stands there and watches you. In my parents gurage (which is right next to mine) has some spirit in there that will lock animals in (not good because my sister's cat nearly got killed when we where bug bombing). There's something in my tree, don't know what it is, but when you walk under it don't be surprised if an apple is thrown at you.

How about you? Got any incounters? I'm sorry these aren't my best ones, but currently I've got the flu and I cna't remember to well. I'll write down some more once I feel better.

And thanks guys, for your comments on my last entry. It really means a lot to me to have you support me.
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Wednesday, September 22, 2004

*waves*
I haven't been on here for a while. Sorry about that. I'll try to catch up on everyone's journals as soon as I can. I've had a F**KING load of stuff happen to me. Lets start:
1) I had a mental and emotional break down because my sister wouldn't stop telling me how pathetic I was.

2) Couldn't stop crying, and I had a head ache two days straight after that.

3) Same sister started to cry and I had to comfort her. (god I'm too f**king nice)

4) Worked really hard to clean the down stairs and try to catch up with the dishes, take care of the animals, write in my stories, draw request pictures (by the way the computer that has the scanner is down and out).

5) Two sisters had a graduation that I had to come to because no one else can freaking take pictures.

6) Had to run a BUNCH of errands because my brother got his finantual aid check and I was the only one willing to drive him. The whole time he couldn't stop telling me how useless I was, untill I asked him about his way home where he promptly dropped the subject and started to complain about taking the buss.

7) Been looking for a new job.

8) While driving with my father he F**KING POINTED OUT! where Jarry used to live! I mean just a few months ago! This is the SAME MOTHER FUCKER that molested me when I was a kid! Why the FUCK did father point it out?! Now I'm on edge and back to wanting to hide in the corner so that Jarry can't get me. THANKS DAD! Fucker. (sorry for not sensering that but I just needed to get that out)

9) My little brother's dog tried to kill mine once again, and when I tried to punish his dog he was yelling at me. I mean, WTF, he saw his damn dog doing it!

10) Have to give away some kittens this week, but I'm keeping my little Hiei. After Anubis disappeared I need a black cat.

11) More rumors spread by my sister, Emily, about me that I have to straighten out.

12) I've got a head cold and I want to distroy the world. ~.~

I think that sums it all up. Don't you?
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Tuesday, September 14, 2004

Disappointment
I quit. I couldn't stand her any more, I just couldn't!! She just kept damaging my pride over and over again. She was prodding at my sore spot of being treated like a child. So I quit. But I walked home (that's like a 15 minute to get there) while I walked I stopped by a few of my old work places and picked up some application. I'm also looking at going back to school. This time I want to not only go into Japanese but also Art.
Thanks Neiko for trying to support me with this job. Sorry to have disappointed you and everyone else.
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Toui (distant)
Well, as you might have known or heard or whatever, I've got a job. Yestarday was my first day of training and it was HORRIBLE!! The trainer treats us like small children and everyone else seems to be having fun but I'm so INSULTED it's not FUNNY!! Stop laughing... Anyway. Just because of that I want to go and quite I don't want to work there any more because they just... are children. I can't stand it! So this is what I'm going to do. I'm going to save up some paychecks and enroll into school for Winter Quarter and take Japanese class. After that I'm going to fight like hell to get finantual aid back and stay in school until I've graduated and am fluent in Japanese. Once that's done I'm going to get myself a job as a linguest. Because at this moment I want to shout at the lady and just walk out. I... can't take it! She's treating me too much like a child and my pride just can't take it. I've been treated as a child for far to long and I can't have it. I won't have it! Hell, I think I might even quit and just go back to Dakotah just because they're not as childish. We'll see.
Wish me luck, because my pacients needs it.
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