Sunday, September 12, 2004

*thunk*
Uuuugh, man, I can't wait to move away. Today has been one of my pissy days. I couldn't get any rest last night and I tried to sleep again only to remain awake on my bed with a cat and several kittens sleeping around my legs. So after an hour or two of just laying there I got up feeling grumpy as ever. Soon as I stepped in the door way of my room I was asked to run an errand. Grumbling I did so only to have my ride (mother) argue with my little brother the whole time. Just so you know mother grates on my nerves so badly, just like my sister Emily. Soon as I hear them talk I just want to choke them, probably due to all the crap they had put me through through out my life. Anyway, mother's driving is pretty bad and she's paranoid of getting into a crash so I got a little pissy (at this time I still haven't fully woken up, it usually takes me about an hour or two to become fully coherent). Once I ran my errand I came home and darted to my computer to try to write in some of my fanfictions (YAY! SAINT SEIYA!). That didn't work out because of writer's block (but last night I wrote in 4 different stories, yay me!). So I was surfing the net, looking at cos-play, yes I am a cos-play loving freak, when I get a phone call from my friend. She's in town and is visiting our buddy, Kristi and had invited me over. It's not like I hate Kristi's place but it's soooo freaking boring over there, plus I'm highly allergic to one of her dogs. So I declined and instead invited her over to my place where we could watch a movie or something. Well, my buddy declines and that's all cool. She hung up to watch a two movies with Kristi, while that was going on I was being harrassed by freaking 13 year olds on my AIM. >_< DAMN IT!! I'm like this magniate for the weirdos. They think they are all adult but they are just adolesent children that at times just grate on my nerves and I just want to reach through my monitor and choke the hell out of them. That would feel soooo good. Anyway, I had about two of these 13 year old girls hit on me and they know I'm a 21 year old woman (what the hell is wrong with them?). Well, my friend calls back up and invites me to coffee so I grab my sister and we run over to a 24 hour dinner where the FUCKING WAITRESS tells us that everyone needs to order something or leave. She was a rude one too, she only stopped by our table about 3 times when she went by everyone else about 7 times the whole time we where there. Anyway, talking to the group was great we cracked so many jokes that if you were next to us you would probably think we were on crack or some other happy drug. After that we went to Kristi's where they threw a clean sheet over a chair to let me sit. The dog I was allergic too had to stay out side but I was still itching like HELL. >_< Freaking Jesus I hate itching like that it's so freaking horrid. I had to be careful not to touch my face or my eyes would swell up like a toad. So while I sat there my sister watched Hellsing (Crispen Freeman can do a nice crazy guy. =D) I had a big boned guy sitting right in my way of the TV so I was stuck there doing nothing except for giving Billy a back rub and looking at his Gothic Band pictures that he had (which didn't tickle my fancy). Ken, they big boned guy in front of me, had a hairy neck. Oh my god... *shudders* I can't stand hairy necks or backs. I can bearly stand hairy chests. It's just sooooo eeeew. So I got horrified from that... Kristi showed me some interesting Unicorn pictures (she's a unicorn freak), and Jaime got a headache and went to bed with out saying anything. *shrugs* Meh, what ever.
Tomorrow is my eldest sister's birthday, I think she'll be 28. I'm not really looking forward to it because I'm not much of a birthday person (past tragedies and all). I think I'll just skip the party like I have for everyone else this year. I'll find something to give to her though, even if it's just a cheep dragon poster just as long as it looks good and can withstand her ability to break things.
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Tuesday, September 7, 2004

Lyre
Today I was listening to some lyre music. I remembered the soothing times where I had once had an instroment to play. Unfortunately while growing up my family experianced poverty very often so when ever an insterment was bought or given it was almost always sold soon after. I'm just glad that the heirloom violen has never been sold, pawned several times, but never sold. The wood it is made out of is very pretty and it was made exactly one hundred years before my birth. I'm going off topic. What I mean to say is that I miss having a musical instrument around. I wish to strum my fingers over strings of a lyre. The sad yet beautiful music that sounds from the instroment is like a lullaby. It makes you think while you enter a state of calm.

While listening to my music I heard my sister, Emily's voice. She's the one I can't get along with no matter what. I realized that all of my pent up hatred is just frustration. I love my family, I truly due and that's why I must leave them. In order to prevent further pain to myself and them I must leave as soon as possible, get away and cut ties. I won't completely ignore them, I'll call them from time to time, possibly have coffee with my parents every now and then, see my brothers and sisters on the holidays. And with this thought I'm comforted. I finally have a goal in life that I can strive for.

I have become employed as of today, on Monday I start training for the cell phone company of Virgin Moble. The pay is decent and hopefully I can stick with it long enough to get my own car, a place of my own, etc. I believe after I have established a living place I'll change my name. I wish to change my current name to Kamyu Ataraxia. It sounds odd and all but I enjoy it. I believe I'll also buy a lyre...

Shinigami asked me for my screen name on deviantart.com I'm known there as I am here, Hiso-chan. If anyone wants a direct link to my front page there then just ask and I'll supply it in the next entry.

I got an Okita-san picture up here, as well as a wallpaper that I made from scans from the Peace Maker manga.

I know I haven't really commented on anyone's journals recently but finding a job and all is a bit time casuming. I'll catch up on comments soon, so please be paicent with me.
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Thursday, September 2, 2004

Uhhh....
Nice title huh? I thought it up all my self. *tries to imitate hick buck teeth, fails misserably*

I know that didn't make you laugh but hey it was worth a try. So today I went onto my deviantart account just to see what's going on. Poor Soldjer is going insane from her lack of contact with me. I haven't been really speaking to much of anyone lately due to depression reasons, but now that I'm feeling better I'm going to drop her a line asap. Soldjer is a really sweet girl that I had meet a few years back on a Megaman forum. She was so shy and wouldn't show anyone her artistry that she's been working on. She's not the best artist but she tries hard and her works have improved. I like her original ideas and I'm proud of her slow, yet sure, improvements. So anyway, yeah she's younger than me, she's like 16 and I'm 21 but she's a good friend and that stuff. Today on deviantart I got a note from her where she wanted to show me an artical for school. It's based off of friendship and she used some pictures done by friends. Here's the link: http://www.deviantart.com/view/10213026/
She used a picture that I did for her (the one on the right) where I drew her and me in anime style (I'm the brunet that looks like a boy, and yes I do look VERY similar to Otogi from Yugioh). She's a sweetie, isn't she?

On another note, I watched this Yu Yu Hakusho music video with the Ghost Buster's theme song. I still laugh when I watch that. I'm such a GB fan (you know that cartoon series that aired in the early 90's, the Boogie man episode still freaks me out and makes me pale, child hood trama and all). I like to watch it with my little brother. *smiles* It's great to see him laughing and interacting with others even if it's just me. Yeah, I love my little bro, and my big bro (who picks on me but he doesn't pick on anyone else, asked him why once and he said I still have hope! YAY! I'm loved by my bro! [and he acts just like Kaiba but is colder]).

I went to the coffee shop with my father today... Had an interesting talk about the Philosipher Stone as well as the aincent civilization (can't spell today! >_<) of the Saumarians (how the hell is that spelled?). That was rather neet, the one thing I can rely on my father for is the interesting talks. He theorized that the Philosipher Stone is the 'soul of the earth' or basicly a stone that can turn anything into a liquid and thus it's in the center of the earth causing a unique reaction keeping the planet together while keeping the center liquid. And with the Saumarians I had theorized that some of them broke off from their civilization and became the aincent Egyptians, thus why their writing system and seemed to appear over night, as well as some religious connections. Kind of like how some Chinese founded Japan.

Been looking for a job, kind of hard but I got a few applications in... and yeah, that's about it so far. Heard that while I was out having coffee with father that my dog sat on one of my cats who just crawled out from underneath him and gave him a dirty look, while when he streatched out his paw and flopped his paws on my sister's cat (who warningly bit him) he looked at the kitty all hurt while the cat just hissed like, "You're huge man, why do you think you're small like us?!" (yeah my dog thinks he's a big cat, I'm expecting him to try to meow some time just like I had that kitten that tried to bark, true story)

Think I'll take my dog on a walk and play with him, if my lungs hold out. I've been having breathing problems recently, think I might be catching a chest cold.
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Monday, August 30, 2004

Not Allowed
Okay... so yeah, how long has it been now? 3 weeks? More? It's frustrating. I got a break from being belittled for about... half a day. I had gone on a camping trip, just one night, with my parents, sisters Adriane and April and two friends, Jaime and Kate. Jaime was quiet and kept to herself just doing her Jaime thing, so she was cool. Kate was greatful to see the family because her father has forbidden her to see me but that doesn't stop her. So those two where cool (except when Kate kept on squishing me at night either crushing me like a large teddy bear or smushing me to the side of the camper trailer.

So, April got hurt, a nice deep gash in her index finger that was bleeding pretty badly for a while. Mother freaked, like she usually does when she sees blood, and father fawned over her like she was dying. Adriane slapped two bandaids on her with out properly cleaning it and said she was cured and stuff like that. Well, she comments about how it was starting to throb so everyone huddled around. Every one asked Adriane to tend to it and acted like I wasn't there. So I just continued to boil my water for tea, that was until they started to sound like a group of squabling turkeys. So I pushed them all to the side and took a look at the wound. I had her trim down her finger nail while I dampened a rag with the hot water meant for my tea. Yes it was very hot but that's what I wanted. I cleaned out her wound with medicine and the cloth and she was whining through the whole thing because she doesn't have a high tollerance for pain. When she yelped father yelled at me. His voice boomed and he stalked towards me was if I was some stranger trying to harm his preccious daughter. And I felt it...

I felt my mask slide back into place. You see, for the longest time I was anti-social. Always a lone, not caring, emotionless expression always playing on my face. Until I got some good friends on line. They managed to get me to feel a few things that I had long forgotten, but many of those friends have left me and new ones have come. But because of all of the support from friends I was able to finally laugh, actually laugh and not pretend, truly smile... things like that. But I felt my emotionless mask move back when father yelled at me like that. He looked like he was going to strike at me. His dark eyes had flared that aweful spark that told my instincts that he was an enemy. I didn't want to start anything so I continued to work on my sister silently, until he continued to yell as if demanding for me to stop tending to her. I shouted back with a controled voice telling him I knew what I was doing. We didn't have any anistetic to kill the pain and the dirt had to be cleaned out. After that he sat on a seat next to me, glaring at my back as I continued on. And thanks to me the bleeding had stopped and April is in no risk of the wound infecting.

But it angered me. I be came so... angry, like the days when I knew that I was worthless and no matter how hard I struggled my face would be held down in the mud until I sufficated. I wanted to harm someone, I wanted so badly to strike out at my father and tell him to back down. Tell him that I am tired of being treated as if I am not allowed to be in my own family. Yet I know if I do such a thing the family would only shake their heads, turn completely away from me. Plus I do not wish to harm others, I truly do not even though I urn for the sting to accompany my hand after I give a firm slap across someone's face.

I'm trying, I'm trying hard not to be violent, to not raise my voice. I'm attempting to change to what I was always deprived of, to be someone that can love... be loved. Some times, I wounder if it's really worth it.
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Friday, August 27, 2004

The tripple digits
Man, it's still happening. It's crazy at least 4 times a day I see identical tripple digits. Today alone I think I saw the numbers 333 about 4 times, and now when I got to look at my journal I've got 111 visits (Thanks to all who come!!!). Is it just me that is experiancing this? Is this normal? How come my eye twicks now when ever I see it happen? And why is my cat currently looking at me like I'm crazy?

Today, nothing very eventful happened. Went to the plasma bank with my sister, donated, blew all our money on food and gas. Made stew tonight (had to fight my eldest sister to get her to use a normal bowl and not a mixing bowl, yeah she likes my cooking that much). Nearly fainted about twice while making stew, with my TTOM (that time of month) and all. Geez, I hate my TTOM. I always have horrible pain for half the week (if not the whole week), experiance either really high fevers or very low temprature, I get pale as a fish's belly, and Crewger keeps trying to step on my uterous. ;-; Why doggie, why? I give you attention, why must you always try to stand on me when TTOM comes around? Weird pooch.

Oh, today I got to read the 6th volume of The King of Hell. Freaked since they left it at a cliff hanger, yet again. Love how they killed off several people (not main characters). I'm loving that manga more and more. Is that manga drawn by a woman? It's so graphic and voilent that I think it might be. Ever notice that the more dark, grusome, violent, and graphic comics usually have a female artist?
-Peace Maker Kurogane (Shinsengumi Peace Maker Imon)
-Yami no Matsuei
-Lumen Lunae
-Dragon Knights
-X/1999 (could REALLY do with out the repition of events and character interaction in that one); are just a few examples.
Did Yu Yu Hakushou have a female or male Mangaka (comic artist)?

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Thursday, August 26, 2004

When the ice blows~
That would make a nice song title, "When the Ice Blows". Maybe a nice rock song that has some creepy parts in it that reminds you of cold winter nights when the power is out and your local stocker is right out side your window. XD

New Lay out, I like the color blue, it's calming for me. You might be woundering who that is in my icon, it's Hyoga! He's from the kick butt anime (made back in the 80's) Saint Seiya. The really colored up kiddy version is called Knights of the Zodiac (love Shun's laugh in that one, it's so cute).

Okay, serious now, things have been getting better (thank you god that I look up to). My sisters April and Emily (I HATE YOU EMILY!) finally got some jobs and they're mellowing out (like Emily could ever mellow out the bitch). My eldest sister is looking for a job and tomorrow we're going to donate plasma. To be honest I hate having a needle in my arm, let alone for about an hour, but hey I'm helping to save lives and I'm getting paid to do it. My buddy AppleofBlood is visiting, which is awesome because he needed some time off from her job of watching over her sister's and sister's boyfriend's kids.

Today though, it was my mother's birthday. I didn't really want to go and see her because the previous day we got into a big fight and it was lame and I wish she wasn't so thick headed but... I can't change her. So anyway, I went over only to have Emily and her fiancee smack my dog right in front of me! I couldn't believe it! I yelled at them and all they did was laugh and act like I had no right. Emily started talking about how Crewger was band from her house (it's our parent's house you jerk, not yours) for no reason at all. It was all to get back at me for not letting them bring their Shitzu, Mocha, over (who uses my carpets as a tolet and it's only ME who cleans up the messes because Emily finds herself too high and mighty to disaplin[so?] or clean up after her pure breed bitch). So yeah, I'm a bit upset over that but Crewger seems to already have blown it off. I some times wounder how come he came out to be such a sweetie.
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Sunday, August 22, 2004

Kodamo (child)
You ever notice that your memory of when you where a child is a bit fuzzy? Have you ever stopped and thought back to those days of youth? What where your dreams back then? Have you lost them now?

Some times I wounder these things because I can't remember to much about my childhood. Most that I remember are bad things happening, being bullied, multipul attempts on my life (no joke), and a bit more horrifying things that was inflicted by my eldest half brother (when I feel more comfortable here I might tell you what he did). But I can recall that I tried. I tried hard to get people to smile around me, to work on my short temper that I was constantly teased about. I tried to be strong because I knew that my lungs where bad dispite what the grown ups always told me. I was sickly, but I fought and today when I see children like that all I can do is smile and offer them what I never got... Someone to listen. And I've noticed that it's helped so many, not just children.
When you're a child do you ever think about how easy everything is? I sure didn't. *laughs* I was always going on about how things where suspicuos and looking behind me to make sure no one was there. I was so paranoid.
Hey, do you recall what kind of shows you watched when you where a child?
What kind of things did you like?
I can remember watching Transformers, G. I. Joe, Robotech, and my most favorite show of all, Jim Hensen's The Story Teller
The kind of things I liked when I was little... that's a bit harder, I can barely remember any of that, but I know I loved the snow, stories, music, and... I would like to say friends but I didn't have many when I was little.
How about you guys? Answer some of these questions. It would be nice to reminis(sp?).
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Saturday, August 21, 2004

Kaeri (return)
I'm back from my week vacation, and like usual my vacations end up not so vacation-y. Had two hyped up kids all over me most of the time, the way to escape them was to hide out in my friend's room where there was nothing to do besides draw, watch boring movies, or play a really lame Inuyasha game, which I did all of. Then I ended up watching the kids from time to time. Uuuhf, I'm so drained. I still need to go around and check up on friend's journals. But I'll do that after I sleep some.

Before I left I did manage to appologize to my friend in a nice way so that neither of us freaked out. So that's cool. I got a pretty picture of Okita-san that I did, need to scan that and post it. Got some other pictures of Sesshoumaru (first time ever drawing him) and Kaiba (I still blaim you Jaime for suggesting the coat thing) that have a bit of an adult theme so I'll post those on Deviant Art as to not accidently insult anyone here. I can post links to them when I have them up if anyone wants to see those.
Um... I don't think I have anything else to say until next post, tired need to rest. Kristie's (friend who drove me) driving had me holding onto my dog, trying to help him keep up right as she drove like a deranged freak operating a roller coster ride.
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Wednesday, August 11, 2004

Benmei (apology)
Okay so um... yeah. I kind of snapped at a friend of mine yestarday. I was frustrated and stressed (still kind am) and I was a bit harsh with my words. But I wasn't completely in the wrong because she was all doing this "I'm stupid and don't know how to interpret your words" act, which every now and then she does. I don't think that's intentional at all, probably some kind of self defence thing she developed over the years. Anyway, she was doing it for some reason and I got frustrated and I really should apologize to her. But man, my pride is all like, "The hell?! No way! She started it." Yeah, my pride is like a little kid at times.
*twirls bangs with finger in thought* So currently I'm trying to figure out away to apologize to her. Because some times if I just right out say it she feels all weird and starts fretting. Plus I don't want to damage my pride because that'll result in several more days of just being pissed off at myself.
Well, in light of all that I realized that I really do need to get out of my house and away from the family for a while. So I got a hold of a friend and she said I could spend a few nights up there with her (she lives out in the boondocks). She's got internet so I might just ask her if I can update this if I stay there a week or so. God, that reminds me I need to get her a present. I missed her birthday.

Oh and for Okita-kun and the others who were woundering where I'm getting my Shinsengumi information here are the links:
http://www.fifay.biznethosting.com/liners/Jhistory.php
and
http://www.bakusin.com/shinnko.html (japanese)
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Monday, August 9, 2004

Shinpi (mystery)
Well, after the whole incodent that happened last friday I've finally pulled myself together and was able to think about things I'm interested in, again. Like mystery, Shinsengumi, Alchemy, language, Yugioh, stuff like that you know? Anyway. So I've noticed somethings that are kind of odd.
1) I have been experiancing triple digets i.e. 555, 666, 111, etc. for a while now for about a month. Started off with my character on Tales of Symphonia, Genis (the little cutie that looks like a little Bakura) when he gained a level and his hit points was 666, then my father got a recite (with me in the car) for 6.66, but the most common number is 555. Just today my sister came to me and told me about broken glass in the trash bin that had 555 written on it.
2)I've been bitten by a lot of spiders recently. I've never been bitten this much before, and there have been poisonous spiders around my house recently, my sister and I have been killing them but they keep coming.
Number 3 and 4 is what's bothering me the most though. It deals a LOT with Okita Souji. I found out this strange tid bit when researching the Shinsengumi.
3)Okita Souji had Active TB, contagous in the only way of air. You have to spend a lot of time breathing the same air as someone with Active TB in order to catch it. The Shinsengumi had very close quarters, how come I'm not finding any documents of Okita-san's TB being caught by someone else?
4)On the day of Okita-san's death. It is said that he had tried to kill a black cat. What's the point of that? Why would he do that when he knew he was on death's door? TB doesn't drive madness into you. He was a practical person as well as kind, so why?
Any comments? Ideas? Because a lot of these are stumping me.
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