Saturday, August 7, 2004

Soru (warped)
I've had a trying time the past few days or so it would seem.
A few days ago I was nothing but depressed, then I was told for two days strait that I was worthless and blah blah blah, like I usually get. Then last night my father got drunk.
At first my sister had come to me and asked for my help to get him to drink water because he was refusing. So I did, it took an hour of listening to him interacting with him to make sure he knew that I meant no harm (he gets over defensive and depressed when ever he drinks). Then an other half hour to finally get him to drink the water. After that I thought I could finally relax, but NO! My sister comes running back and says, "(insert my name here)!! Dad's throwing things!" So I run off to help. By the time I made it there he was already in his room brooding and still drinking. I went in, just me and him and I listened as he wailed, cried, screamed, threw his fists around the air. I didn't flinch even though several times he looked like he was about to strick out at me. It took a few hours to calm him down then he talked with my mother and got upset again and it took another hour or so to calm him down enough for me and my sister to talk sense into him.

To day I don't want to talk to him. Is that wrong of me?
I just want to be by myself for a little bit, be away from him, my mother, my sisters and my brothers. Is that warped of me?
I keep trying to love them, to accept every thing they do and try to offer what little wisdom I have gained through out life. Is that cowardice of me?
I don't know...

Please let the winter's snow come soon... Okita-san... I'm tired...
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Wednesday, August 4, 2004

Traditional
What happened here? For some reason traditional things that were once considered to be the most beautiful things have lost their fandom. My friend Nikore had brought this to mind. She's a Traditional Artist, meaning she doesn't do CG (normally), it's all hand, pencil, paper, ink.
We both used to belong to DA or deviant art. At first it was nice, people commented and welcomed us but that was only because we where doing CG, then soon as we started doing Traditional the comments had stopped, people left and forgot about us. I don't see why. I find Traditional Art to be beautiful with the swirl of inks, pencil, and paints.
But it's not only art, what happened to family traditions where it brought the family closer. What about town traditions such as old festivals where people bring out their own hand made goods and traded or bought from others got together as a community. Traditional ways of cooking, greeting someone, courtship, etc. It's all fading away and it's not right. These things are apart of us and should be persurved. Sure you don't have to do it all the time but every once in a while, just every not and then would be sufficant enough so that it'll always be remembered and never get boaring.
Try it, see how you feel, think, and see if by doing this you can persurve just a piece of yourself.
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No where
So many days, so many hours and years. Everything counts up and leaves its scar. Day in day out, I recall always being treated like an outcast and a foreigner in my own homeland. Always pushed to the side, ignored or made fun of. Hard labor was pushed onto me when I was young resulting in many long term injuries that cause my bones to ache at my current young age of 21. But I know that all the work I had done was for the best. My family was never rich, always poor and even had to scavange in the forests and back yard for edible plants and mushrooms.
But no matter what happens to me like this, it seems I always pull through. I don't know why. So many times I should have died from either an illness or some sort of accident but I remain. I remain only to feel the sharp pain that I must welcome. I must accept the fact that I will always feel like I belong some where else, that I will always feel like an orphen with in my own family. And I smile in hopes that some day he will take me away. And I hope it happens by the winter's snow.
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Tuesday, August 3, 2004

Miburo
Wolves of Mibu, rather interesting name to give to the Shinsengumi. I'm still trying to figure out exactly why, but so far I know it had to deal with someone named Serizawa Kamo who used his status and wealth to pick fights and gain a bad name for the Shinsengumi, he was also an alcoholic. Apperently he was assassinated by Kondo Isami, Hijikata Toshizo, Yamanami Seisuke (I think he was one of them), and Okita Soujirou.


But I still have to kind of wounder, why were they labeled Miburo? Surely something else had to happen. I need to find out more about it because for some reason I feel like something is coming, something that could be related to something deep in the past.
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Sunday, August 1, 2004

Hey Jimmy!!
I love that song. XD So anyway I love chatting with my buddy Celes-san, she can be so funny. She's a great person and even though she forgets about me half the time she still at least remembers to chat with me every once in a while, which I can't really say the same for a lot of on line friends.


Okay, so today kind of sucked. I had to donate plasma and I got really dehydrated near the end of it and got all sick like. Then when I came home I found out that my dog had chewed up my sister's favorite shoes and I had to go and buy her some new ones. Went to the coffee shop with my dad only to fill out paper work, and come home only to have to cook dinner and have people lecture me and yell at me. Then I found my dog trying to chew on shoes again so I had to punish him good (they were my only shoes damn it!). And all day I've been day dreaming about getting a miniture pig and how I would have to disaplin it because I know they can be house trained. I would want to take my pig on walks to, that would be fun. I would name him Saizo, just because Saizo and Okita-san are my fave characters from Peace Maker Kurogane. I'm going to be drawing some fanart of them some time soon too, just don't really want to go over and use the scanner my parents have because my most hated sibling will be there and she'll be bitching about me. She does it all the time and it makes me feel really uncomfortable. I always have to keep quiet because if I say anything then she'll bitch more and more.


Any how, Hey Jimmy by HAV is my favorite song of all time and you can download it from here http://www.kamidake.com/peacemaker/
The other song they have is kind of cool as well. OH! And big thanks to Sesshoumaru25 for being the first to sign my guest book, you're Mu! (my way of saying awesome)
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Thursday, July 29, 2004

Rebirth

It's been a while since I had an actual journal that wasn't something of my own creation or from Deviant Art. But it feels kind of nice to have one.


Recently my sister had ended her externship and all she can do is complain but it seems that I'm the only one that is willing to listen to her. Actually, now that I think about it a lot of people have been complaining to me, probably because they just need someone to listen. I can understand that, but I just wish they could see me for once.


I've been in a lot of pain recently, physical pain but since I was raised the way I was I tend not to show my hurts and I just smile and try to help people have fun. Maybe that's a weakness but right now it's my greatest strength.
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