Monday, August 30, 2004

Not Allowed
Okay... so yeah, how long has it been now? 3 weeks? More? It's frustrating. I got a break from being belittled for about... half a day. I had gone on a camping trip, just one night, with my parents, sisters Adriane and April and two friends, Jaime and Kate. Jaime was quiet and kept to herself just doing her Jaime thing, so she was cool. Kate was greatful to see the family because her father has forbidden her to see me but that doesn't stop her. So those two where cool (except when Kate kept on squishing me at night either crushing me like a large teddy bear or smushing me to the side of the camper trailer.

So, April got hurt, a nice deep gash in her index finger that was bleeding pretty badly for a while. Mother freaked, like she usually does when she sees blood, and father fawned over her like she was dying. Adriane slapped two bandaids on her with out properly cleaning it and said she was cured and stuff like that. Well, she comments about how it was starting to throb so everyone huddled around. Every one asked Adriane to tend to it and acted like I wasn't there. So I just continued to boil my water for tea, that was until they started to sound like a group of squabling turkeys. So I pushed them all to the side and took a look at the wound. I had her trim down her finger nail while I dampened a rag with the hot water meant for my tea. Yes it was very hot but that's what I wanted. I cleaned out her wound with medicine and the cloth and she was whining through the whole thing because she doesn't have a high tollerance for pain. When she yelped father yelled at me. His voice boomed and he stalked towards me was if I was some stranger trying to harm his preccious daughter. And I felt it...



I felt my mask slide back into place. You see, for the longest time I was anti-social. Always a lone, not caring, emotionless expression always playing on my face. Until I got some good friends on line. They managed to get me to feel a few things that I had long forgotten, but many of those friends have left me and new ones have come. But because of all of the support from friends I was able to finally laugh, actually laugh and not pretend, truly smile... things like that. But I felt my emotionless mask move back when father yelled at me like that. He looked like he was going to strike at me. His dark eyes had flared that aweful spark that told my instincts that he was an enemy. I didn't want to start anything so I continued to work on my sister silently, until he continued to yell as if demanding for me to stop tending to her. I shouted back with a controled voice telling him I knew what I was doing. We didn't have any anistetic to kill the pain and the dirt had to be cleaned out. After that he sat on a seat next to me, glaring at my back as I continued on. And thanks to me the bleeding had stopped and April is in no risk of the wound infecting.

But it angered me. I be came so... angry, like the days when I knew that I was worthless and no matter how hard I struggled my face would be held down in the mud until I sufficated. I wanted to harm someone, I wanted so badly to strike out at my father and tell him to back down. Tell him that I am tired of being treated as if I am not allowed to be in my own family. Yet I know if I do such a thing the family would only shake their heads, turn completely away from me. Plus I do not wish to harm others, I truly do not even though I urn for the sting to accompany my hand after I give a firm slap across someone's face.

I'm trying, I'm trying hard not to be violent, to not raise my voice. I'm attempting to change to what I was always deprived of, to be someone that can love... be loved. Some times, I wounder if it's really worth it.
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