Sunday, October 17, 2004

Swallowed up in the sounds of my screaming~~
I went up with my parents to the property that they own. We where only there for an hour or two, and there was a bad case of turenchual(sp?) rain. Father fell a few trees and I moved them while Mother studdied. We managed to get a fire going and we ate a light meal that I brought and drank some cocoa. It takes about an hour's drive to get there. We had three dogs with us, Crewger (my dog), Lucky (little bro's dog), and Mocha (bitch sister's dog). I'm allergic to Mocha, she's a great dog and I would love to pet her but last time I touched her was when she licked the back of my upper arm and caused my whole arm all the way down to my wrist to break out into hives. Sucked major eggs. Anyway, on the way back we're all wet and I'm so freaking grungy from having to tend to the fire out in the rain, move logs, and getting mauled by Crewger. My mother had her seat all the way back and my legs where crushed and no matter how many times I told her to move it up she wouldn't. I don't think she heard me. Anyway, soon as we get home I have to throw on some dry clothes, grab my sister's ATM card, get her PIN number and run off with my mother so I could give her the money that my sister owed her. I also had to buy cat food because my roommates forgot to do that while they were out. At the store the freaking bag boy was so freaking slow and he looked like he was either drugged up or really sleepy and they only had one cashier because it was near closing. Soon as I get home I find out that there is no dinner so I had to make something, then my little brother comes back from playing some Hunter The Reckoning and 'makes dinner'. Personally I don't think Chilli Mac is edible. So I get yelled at for buying some bancon inorder to make some of the dinner I had made. I also got yelled at for purchasing some really cheap six packs of Pepsi for ninty nine cents. I hid away my freaking twix box that was for a buck not wanting to get yelled at. All this time the main one yelling at me is my sister, April, who was patching up these blankets my little brother had torn up due to his highly violent tossing and turning in his slumber. Her stuff was mostly where I had placed my clip board (where I keep all my drawings on while I sketch/draw/doodle). I'm woundering where it is but I don't see it anywhere. Then all of the sudden I'm getting lectured by April for leaving my stuff around (which I don't do often, OMG! I just let my pair of shoes by the wall, bad me!) and she goes behind the couch that I was sitting on and she pulls out my clipboard out of no where. And the pages are all scattered and messed up and I'm flipping through it releaved that none of my actual drawings where messed up while she basicly drilled down on me. Then later on I'm woundering where my halloween costum (that my sister, Adriane, had just bought for me) was and April found it again, on the floor... with kittens sleeping on it. She yells at me again and all I can do is let my eye twitch. April goes to bed (FINALLY!) and I'm all by myself when my power hungry cat bullying my other kitty (who is her mother) and I have to beat her off of my kitty. Little prick, ungrateful snot, she reminds me of Emily.

Anyway, I'm hanging out and I have the sudden urge to want to kiss my friend the next time I see her. I mean like deep kiss. I feel my eye twitch because even I know that's crazy. I cut it into pieces and thought about it and realized that I'm so freaking bored to the point that I want to kiss Kate the next time I see her just to see her reaction. How freaking bored do you need to be if you're actually contimplating something like that? Pretty damn bored if you ask me.

So, I push that out of my mind and some other crazy stuff comes into my head. Such as killing Emily and actually being happy. If you know me well, or at all, you'll know that I've got a creative imagination. So this whole sceen plays out in my head where I mess with the cops' minds while they question me on my sister's murder and I answer their questions all weird right? So they get angry and yell at me for not answering their questions and I have to tell them that they have to ask the right questions. I laughed at the idea while in the shower. As much as I would love to do that, I can't. Mother would go so freaking crazy if one of her kids died. She's WAY attached, got bad empty nest syndrom.

Well, got lectured again about finding a job and keeping it. Keep telling people that I need meds for my depression and ADD but they keep telling me that there is nothing wrong with me. Do you know how hard it is to KNOW that there is something wrong with you and every one keeps on telling you that there isn't? It's hard as hell and after a while it messes with your head on a daily basis, really messes you up. Currently I can't even think straight nor sleep because of it. Sends you down into a dark sespool of contempt. You keep woundering why they only see what they want to see. Why can't they see you for what you really are? Why can't they get over themselves and actaully admit that they are related to someone that has problems? They keep saying that they are willing to help but they never do. Talk about living in a world of gray. I wounder if all they see is haze.

Wow, is this thing long enough yet? I could probably make it longer, but I'm not sure if I want to. Who knows what kind of things I might let slip.
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