Sunday, January 30, 2005

*pulls at hair*

You know what?! I can tollerate a lot. I can put up with a lot, I've been doing it for years. People step on other people, I've learned how to deal with this. I know that there are people out there that will help others with out regard of their own feelings, I know that there is good and bad. I'm also aware that most of my cursed family says I'm evil. They say bad things about me behind my back and to tell you the truth that's the part that will screw you up. Having people tell you to your face that you are kind, talented, and sweet, but soon as your back is turned they tell others how horrible and two faced you are. Like a monster with mask under a mask, their whisperes echo through the shadows never coming into the edge of the light.
They tear at me, hurting me more and more pushing me further into the red abyss of confussion telling me that it's okay to drown. Everything inside is now black and red, a room filled thigh deep with thick liquid that gives off a crimson light. It hurts and no matter how I express it, how much I tell them they will not stop.

Why all this profound stuff today? Because the one sister that I thought I could trust made it apparent that my trust is worth less than a helpless kitten mew. I was just trying to tell April that I would be out in the car when that damn palmeranion half breed starts barking. I could hear people down stairs laughing and saying that I was evil and how dogs could sense it. It wouldn't have hurt if it was just the usual group... but then I heard Adriane's voice (my eldest sister who always seemed to be nice to me) agree with them. Now I realize that out of all of my siblings I can only trust my brothers... but even them I can't trust all the way. Eric, my younger brother, will steal and lie when he can. Cory, my elder brother, will treat me indifferent, as if I'm stupid and have ill mannered tendancies.

Okay, yeah, I'll be the first to admit that I want to shove an ice pick through people's heads. I'll admit that I want to toss little girls in front of moving trains and kick palmeranions into traffic. But I don't do them. I grit down and don't act on my sadistic desires. Why? Because I know they are wrong. If I didn't then I believe I would be committed and most likely have a few murders under my belt. Personally I'm proud of myself for not doing any of these things, in fact I rarely think about them until these... these hateful jerks get me angry enough TO think of these.

*sighs* Well... whatever, right? Not much I can do about all this. After so many years of trying I think I've learned only a few things from them; hopelessness, dispair, how to cut myself to ease pain, as well as how to make spaghetti with sausage (hate sausage).

Let's hope tomorrow my humor will return, right now I just want to make them all go away.
Comments (4)