Thursday, March 31, 2005

If I only could...
I know this post will be a bit sad. Please, if you are already depressed no not read this. If you tend to pour your emotions into whatever you read this may make you cry. I'm sorry but I must get this out and I feel compeled to warn you.

Five years ago, I had a first love. I had spent many years in Jr. High with him just being around me. I was your typical shy, quiet girl that had a crush on the popular boys. But after a bit of time I started to see him more and more and muted out the squeals of the popular kids. He wasn't very handsome, nor had top grades. He was normal, and I found myself falling in love with him. I never got to tell him before he had died. I had been informed by his death from his best friend, Gene, and also was told that Ben had been in love with me and was going to ask me out on the first day of school after Summer Vacation.

Ever since then, when I was overly depressed due to family troubles I would have a dream with Ben in it, from time to time. After those dreams I would wake comfortated. But two nights ago I had a dream that seemed to make my wounded heart, bleed once more.

In the dream I had been trying to find a picture of Ben and I couldn't find one. I finially tracked down Gene and all he did was giving me this look of, "I know what you have come for." and I could see and feel the hate with in him, and no matter what I did Gene wouldn't even let me see a picture of him.

I woke and through out the day I would close myself in my room and sob. Large tears would run down my cheeks and splash against my pillows, my knees when I was curled up, and my shirt as I looked at the ceiling. I've been trying for years to get a picture of Ben, but still I have none. The pain of not having anything seems to dig a deeper hole with in the heart no matter what you do. A chilled, bleeding, sensation runs down the heart as I know that I must let him go. But it continues to hurt because I was never given a chance, I wasn't even able to see his grave.

Try to imagine yourself in a similar sistuation. How would you feel? What would you do? Could you possibly messure how much it would effect you?

Personally I've never allowed myself to attach to someone before. So all of those emotions were foreign to me, I had to wing it. But when that feeling of dispair, the kind of helplessness that you experiance when walking up the stairs in the dark and think there is an extra step only to find that there isn't. You have a moment of deaf silence that seems to last for ages. That's the only way I can discribe it. And I hope with all my worth, that you will never have to experiance it any time soon. Such damage takes over an eternaty to heal. I, myself, have only recently started to patch up, very slowly, but only because of Neil and a few friends that I still seem to shy away from from time to time. So please, be careful when you fall in love.
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